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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want her back in my home?

188 replies

Bowrito · 09/02/2019 05:42

This is long winded but I don’t want to drip feed.
We have Carers that come each morning, 6 days a week to help me get my son ready for school. He is non mobile, non verbal but the loveliest boy who unfortunately needs quite a lot of care. The Carers are a small team of 3 that are rostered by an agency and only one a day is needed as I do most of the care myself.

This week my DS was sick and out of school so I cancelled his Carers from Monday-Thursday. He was sleeping in and I didn’t want to wake him at 7 if he was unwell. By Thursday he was better.

Thursday evening I had 2 missed calls from a number I didn’t know which I didn’t answer. Then a message from one of his Carers asking if she was needed on Friday. I replied straight away saying he was much better and would probably be going to school but that I couldn’t 100% say until the morning, that she could leave coming in and I would email the agency. If I do the canceling the Carers are still paid for their time.

On Friday morning this lady arrived at 7.30 when I was dressing my son in the living room and I smiled and said I hadn’t expected her as I’d replied she didn’t need to come in. She had such a bad attitude saying I had told her to come in, I asked her to read her texts again. When she did she said she had misunderstood and in future to be clearer. She asked if my DS was going to school, signed her agency attendance book and left! I read her note and it said ‘mother asked me to leave’ I did not. Throughout the brief conversation I was smiling as my son was there and I was in great form as he was better.

But now I’m pissed off, AIBU to be?

I don’t want someone in my home with an attitude.
If you’re rostered to do a job, come in and do it - don’t be texting me hoping for a morning off.
She should have gone through the agency to ask for the morning off and not me directly.
She was also 30 minutes late if she had thought she was due in.
She saw me struggling to dress my DS but didn’t help just walked out in a huff.
But I’m mostly annoyed that she didn’t interact with my DS. He doesn’t know she’s a carer he thinks she’s his friend. She said hi to him but that was all she was too busy arguing with me.

Do I give her another chance or has a line been crossed now and she will always be rude to me?

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 09/02/2019 21:31

Did you actually say this:

I replied straight away saying he was much better and would probably be going to school but that I couldn’t 100% say until the morning, that she could leave coming in and I would email the agency.

Because english is my first language and I read it as she wasnt needed at first which I think she did as first and then presumably got told by the agency she was needed and was annoyed at the misunderstanding

But then rereading it you had said she wasnt needed - did you tell the agency that

So its clear there was a misunderstanding and you both got annoyed

How she is next time is key

Bluntness100 · 09/02/2019 21:33

It might not be normal but it doesn't mean it's not permitted. And if it's permitted I am failing to see your issue. It seems to be fully based on the fact your agency doesn't permit it.

MyDcAreMarvel · 09/02/2019 21:43

Why do people not understand what “ leave coming in “ means it means the same as do want to go swimming tomorrow - no thanks I”ll leave it.
The op was being generous saying if her son was well w ough she would dress him herself.
I just cannot see how it is in anyway confusing.

SpanielEars070 · 09/02/2019 21:50

I used to care for a young lady with a life limiting illness. She lived at home with her Mother, and I was supposed to visit once a week to help her clean her room, change her bed, do laundry, and take her out food shopping or go to the bank etc. Every single time, I'd get there and she'd say "I don't feel up to doing anything today", so I'd sign the book saying she requested me to leave, and drove home again. The frustrating part was that it was an hours drive each way, and I had to arrange childcare as it overlapped school pick up. But I could never take the chance that she wouldn't need me to stay. I asked to be moved off the job in the end as I found it so frustrating and a waste of time and fuel each week.

But we had a very strict rule that the client was never to contact the carer directly, all calls about appointments especially changes had to go through the office. Next time, you need to contact the agency and not the carer due in.

Aridane · 09/02/2019 21:53

Well bully for you in being able to decipher what the rest of us can't!! ⭐️

Quartz2208 · 09/02/2019 21:53

How can this
I didn’t contact the agency to cancel the shift as I needed a carer on Friday morning. If she hadn’t of called and texted I wouldn’t have contacted anyone to change the roster.
I was not rude at all to her in the house, there was no need for her attitude but I will give her another chance as my confusing text caused her frustration. However There shouldn’t have been a text, she shouldn’t have contacted me as she was rostered to come in at 7am.

not contradict this

On Friday morning this lady arrived at 7.30 when I was dressing my son in the living room and I smiled and said I hadn’t expected her as I’d replied she didn’t need to come in. She had such a bad attitude saying I had told her to come in, I asked her to read her texts again

So presumably she was late because she thought she wasnt suppose to be there and then got in trouble from her agency because she should

Curiousdad18 · 09/02/2019 21:54

@MyDcAreMarvel - then honestly you have no empathy for non-native English speakers or understanding that idioms like this are hard to understand.

You may understand it but if English was not your first language then it would not be as clear as saying "don't come tomorrow morning".

My wife speaks English as a second language - has done all her live and lived in UK for years. I asked her and she had no clue what was meant by what OP said. Non-native speakers really do not understand idioms like this. Even the example you gave to illustrate your point is not clear. Leave it? Leave it where would be the response some would give.

Bluntness100 · 09/02/2019 21:59

Even with English as a first language, the text is unclear. She specifically states she " could" leave coming in. Not " should" thus making it the carers decision. I suspect it was deliberately unclear. Becsude the op already knew she wasn't calling the agency to cancel.

IceRebel · 09/02/2019 22:07

I agree with @Quartz2208, your text was very confusing, and you should have emailed the agency. None of this seems like the carer's fault. She didn't understand your text (like many on here), she tried to ring and you ignore her calls. Finally she said hi to your son but you're mad that she didn't say anything else, but how could she when she was trying to sort out whether or not she was needed by talking to you.

MyDcAreMarvel · 09/02/2019 22:10

@Curiousdad18 English is not my first language so your point is rather lost on me.

MidniteScribbler · 09/02/2019 22:12

I don't think the OP needs to worry about whether or not the carer comes back. I suspect the rosters may be shuffled around next week.

was dressing my son in the living room and I smiled and said I hadn’t expected her as I’d replied she didn’t need to come in

But then you're getting upset because after you were rude to her by telling her to check her messages (which were about as clear as mud) where you claim to say she wasn't needed, you expect her to come in and help out.

You need to be incredibly clear. "Please check with the agency" if anyone ever contacts you again by phone. Then either cancel, or if you don't cancel and they arrive, then accept their help. You are all over the place, and very confusing.

ADropofReality · 09/02/2019 22:24

Idonotlikeyoudonaldtrump

Do I guess you and I are Midlanders?

I understand what “You can leave coming in” means but I can well understand that someone outside the Midlands wouldn't have the first clue whether that means come in or don't. Especially if they weren't even British and English was a 2nd language. OP is BVU.

Curiousdad18 · 09/02/2019 22:29

@MyDcAreMarvel - then I'm even more stunned than I was before.

Either way you're being deliberately obtuse. In your entire life you've never been confused by an unfamilar idiom / phrasing? Sorry I don't believe it.

trooth · 09/02/2019 22:37

Does it really matter if any of you understand or don't understand what OP meant? The carer didn't.

Miscommunication/misunderstanding leading to frustration & interpretation of the situation being "she asked me to leave".
Just see how the next visits go if you've never had a problem with her before.

Marriedwithchildren5 · 10/02/2019 00:41

How does the majority not understand? Leave coming in. You can leave the washing up. Leave the hoovering. Im with you op. Message was clear.

Quartz2208 · 10/02/2019 00:51

Marriedwithchildren apart from the fact she never told the agency that

MidniteScribbler · 10/02/2019 03:28

How does the majority not understand? Leave coming in. You can leave the washing up. Leave the hoovering. Im with you op. Message was clear.

The OP never informed the agency. Likely, the carer finished one job, probably running late due to some issue that occurred, the agency said the OP's job was never cancelled, so the carer hotfoots it over to OPs house only to be told she wasn't needed. OP then gets snotty with carer, who may have been able to catch up on her day by not making an unneeded trip.

I replied straight away saying he was much better and would probably be going to school but that I couldn’t 100% say until the morning, that she could leave coming in and I would email the agency.

So come in because he's probably going to school, but I'm not sure, so "leave" coming in because I might need you, but I'll let the agency know. OP did not let the agency know, so carer would have assumed she was still booked. OP needs to learn not to be wishy washy with her decisions. "Not sure if he's going to school or not, but I'd like you to please come in because I will still need assistance" would be much clearer, not this changing things around at the last minute.

Di11y · 10/02/2019 07:05

even I'm confused. you told her not to come but didn't notify the agency. so the agency would have expected her to go. she should be listening to them not you.

He11y · 10/02/2019 08:37

I’m sure the OP knows this was all a bit of a mess by now. It’s not good that she didn’t speak more to your son but I think are doing the right thing seeing how it goes this week given she has a good rapport with him.

I would also ask her not to phone you directly in future. I don’t think she was trying to get the morning off, rather she wanted to know if she was likely to be contacted about an alternative job in the morning. They may be paid if you cancel late but probably only if they are available to cover another job. I I very much doubt she’d have been able to count on it as a paid morning off.

If she’d not turned up, what would you have said to the agency when you eventually emailed? I suspect she feared you’d complain and she was late because no cancellation or alternative job came from the agency and she was in a quandary about what to do.

In the end she decided to play it safe, which is the right thing to do. I’d rather that than someone who thought stuff the consequences and stayed in bed to be honest.

Marriedwithchildren5 · 10/02/2019 09:19

@MidniteScribbler i hadn't actually thought of it that way. That scenario makes alot of sense!

Mummyoflittledragon · 10/02/2019 10:00

English is not my first language so your point is rather lost on me.

But my point about the average Mnetter, education and savvy etc should not. You sound very eloquent and have a very high standard of English. Not sure this is the case for the carer.

Curiousdad
My dh is native and didn’t learn to speak english until he was an adult although he had a very good understanding of the grammar. His written English is far better than the average native speaker. He’s highly intelligent, has post grad qualifications, a perfectionist etc.

Ihaveabloodyheadache · 10/02/2019 10:09

YABU - although yes I do understand the bit about she could leave coming in, though I do see how someone might be confused by it.

I replied straight away saying he was much better and would probably be going to school but that I couldn’t 100% say until the morning, that she could leave coming in and I would email the agency.

So effectively you cancel her there to her, and tell her you will cancel with the agency, so carer now thinks she's going to get a message from the agency officially cancelling her for the call, because you have said that is what you will do. She possibly rearranges her day to take account of this, because you have assured her that you will cancel the call with the agency.
Only you don't cancel with the agency, and you say that's because he is well enough to go to school now and you need a carer, despite telling the carer you don't need her, and the carer doesn't receive official notification of the cancelled call, and is likely somewhere else at this point, which makes her late. When she does arrive you tell her that you told her the night before not to come in and to reread the texts. It's not a massive leap that if you walk into someone's house and they say you're not needed, to asked to leave. It's certainly not lying. You've told her she's not needed, twice, and backed that up by telling her to reread your texts. And then get annoyed because she didn't help and wrote mother asked me to leave. Effectively as she's there to do a job, and you told her that job wasn't needed - what else is she supposed to do? You've refused care technically, she can't go against that. Even if that's not quite what you meant, it's what you said. She was really confused now by the sounds of it and perhaps if you'd said you'd like her to help she would have, as it was it sounds like she was doing what she thought you wanted, indicated by what you said.
I think you're being quite unfair on her OP, but then if you've made your mind up then yes you should let her go because holding a grudge will make it awful for all of you, but mostly your son who had no part in all this to start with.
Of you think well, she's good with DS and it's partly my fault anyway then have a brief conversation saying you're sorry for any misunderstanding but to stop this happening in future to just go when the agency says, then there's no confusion.

Onlyjoinedforthisthread · 10/02/2019 10:13

The bit that's confusing me is you told her not to come, you backed this up by telling her you hadn't expected her and she should re-read her texts and now you are complaining that she left, you are contradicting yourself

exaltedwombat · 10/02/2019 17:37

You were holding your options open, the carers were trying to arrange their schedule. The least you could do is answer their phone calls.

jade19 · 10/02/2019 17:37

I use to be a carer before I had children. It was obviously a misunderstanding and whilst she dijjtt need to be angry with you she may, not have realised you had gotten in contact with the agency and thought she was going to miss out on the money. She may have travelled a way and with some companies the pay per mile ratio is rediculous.
Again this doesn't mean she should have been lied that with you but I would give her a seconds chance xx