AIBU to not want her back in my home?

[Bowrito]

This is long winded but I don’t want to drip feed.
We have Carers that come each morning, 6 days a week to help me get my son ready for school. He is non mobile, non verbal but the loveliest boy who unfortunately needs quite a lot of care. The Carers are a small team of 3 that are rostered by an agency and only one a day is needed as I do most of the care myself.

This week my DS was sick and out of school so I cancelled his Carers from Monday-Thursday. He was sleeping in and I didn’t want to wake him at 7 if he was unwell. By Thursday he was better.

Thursday evening I had 2 missed calls from a number I didn’t know which I didn’t answer. Then a message from one of his Carers asking if she was needed on Friday. I replied straight away saying he was much better and would probably be going to school but that I couldn’t 100% say until the morning, that she could leave coming in and I would email the agency. If I do the canceling the Carers are still paid for their time.

On Friday morning this lady arrived at 7.30 when I was dressing my son in the living room and I smiled and said I hadn’t expected her as I’d replied she didn’t need to come in. She had such a bad attitude saying I had told her to come in, I asked her to read her texts again. When she did she said she had misunderstood and in future to be clearer. She asked if my DS was going to school, signed her agency attendance book and left! I read her note and it said ‘mother asked me to leave’ I did not. Throughout the brief conversation I was smiling as my son was there and I was in great form as he was better.

But now I’m pissed off, AIBU to be?

I don’t want someone in my home with an attitude.
If you’re rostered to do a job, come in and do it - don’t be texting me hoping for a morning off.
She should have gone through the agency to ask for the morning off and not me directly.
She was also 30 minutes late if she had thought she was due in.
She saw me struggling to dress my DS but didn’t help just walked out in a huff.
But I’m mostly annoyed that she didn’t interact with my DS. He doesn’t know she’s a carer he thinks she’s his friend. She said hi to him but that was all she was too busy arguing with me.

Do I give her another chance or has a line been crossed now and she will always be rude to me?

Quartz2208 it really is not that complicated.

I have a DS that needs 2 people to get him bathed, do his personal care and dressed for school.
If he was going to school then a carer is needed/wanted.
If he doesn’t go to school I can cope with just dressing myself.

On Thursday I couldn’t be sure if he would be going to school or not but I believed that he would be.
I had a carer booked for Friday. I didn’t plan to change this I only reacted to a text.

I get that bit that isn’t complicated. But that bit has nothing to do with how you communicated with and the mixed messages is and your story seems to have changed over the course of thread

I had a carer booked for Friday. I didn’t plan to change this I only reacted to a text.

But, by telling the carer to leave it/not come, surely you did change it?

English is my first language and i was confused by your vague text.

But you were going to change it weren't you OP - you said you'd contact the agency...

I wouldn't be surprised if the carer had been trying to check in with the agency who were saying "go" and then getting your message "leave coming but he's probably going to school" and ended up feeling utterly confused

My story hasn’t changed as it’s exactly what happened - all that’s changed is that I’ve realized my wording in the text was very unclear.

My original reason for this thread was to question that if someone has crossed a line and is rude and argumentative to you can you go back to having a mutually respectful working relationship?
I am willing to accept that I caused her frustration.
I am not willing to accept someone snapping at me in my home in front of my child.

But I will see how it goes this week.

I would prefer if she deleted my number and stuck to the procedure of the nurse manager organizing shift changes - that would eliminate any future confusion.

To be honest neither of you come out of this shining.

So in this instance... as an ongoing relationship I would chalk it up to you both being human and get on with a previous good working partnership.

As you said see how the next 2 shifts go. Hopefully it goes well and your son is happy with her.

To be fair, a few others have pointed out earlier that the way you spoke to her and telling her to check her text, like she's stupid isn't mutually respectful either.

bowrito you're getting so much flack here. it's crazy!

I have a similar job to your carer. we aren't allowed to contact families directly to arrange shifts and shouldn't have their numbers (and they shouldn't have ours). all arrangements should be made through the office. id never even think about being rude or argumentative to a parent even if there has been a mix up in communication, and it happens a lot! I just have to deal with it. to be honest I wouldn't want her back in my house, but if it's going to leave you short of help then maybe I'd try her one last time.

Yes sorry OP my gut reaction is that you are quite hard work. I half wonder if her lack of professionalism (when it came to masking her frustration) is because of a straw that broke the camel's back type situation.

I think do as others have suggested - give her the benefit and hope it's an off-day, but monitor the situation. If you behave as though nothing's gone on then she should respond in kind; if she is still off then tell the agency.

Hopefully the carer will give OP another,go, despite OP's somewhat rude and patronising treatment of her

I did want her there and needed the help which is why I hadn’t cancelled the shift during office hours with my agency nurse manager.

But when the carer turned up you told her you were surprised she was there as you’d told her she wasn’t needed.

Even now, even after all these posts, you still seem unclear on what you wanted. She didn’t put pressure on you when she text - she asked if she was needed and you (in a roundabout way) said no and no you saying otherwise. It is confusing you still don’t seem to be able to make yourself clear.

I’m with you OP - whose ever fault it was, she misunderstood and was annoyed but shouldn’t have been rude in front of your child. And also shouldn’t be texting you.

Sounds sensible to see how it goes next week. She maybe feels bad about it and things will settle down. We all have bad days - but if her attitude seems off, you’re entitled to take it further. Must have been an unwanted extra thing at the end of a difficult week.

Guiltynetter I posted on AIBU so expected a bit of flack

The derailing of the thread to be about my text response rather than her attitude has actually helped though. I really thought my message was clear and now accept that it didn’t make any sense at all.

I find it so strange that posters assume families are rude to Carers/nurses and treat them badly. My DS needs these people in his life and we’ve always appreciated their help. His private nurses are ones that we met when he was in ICU so I know that we also have a friendship as they kept in touch and approached me about working with my DS privately. Four years later and they are still on his team. This is a happy home and although it is their workplace it is my DS’s home first. I don’t want anyone around him that isn’t friendly and professional.

I’ve read every post and I’m still baffled. I used to be a community carer and this is how I interpret the situation:

I know your DS has been unwell so I check with you to see if I’m needed in the morning (not sure how she got your number but that doesn’t really change anything), you say to ‘leave coming in and I’ll email the agency’ so I’d take that to mean you didn’t need me and that you’d inform the agency yourself. Fair enough.

It gets to 7am the next morning and I’ve not received any sort of confirmation from the agency that I’m not required so I start to worry that maybe you do need me, and that I’ve misunderstood your ambiguous text (even more so as the carer’s first language is not English so she wouldn’t necessarily understand unusual phrases!) and that I’ve missed a rostered call.

I then try to get confirmation from the office, who are incredibly confused as they’ve had no such email from you. This whole process takes half an hour as we try to decide whether or not I’m scheduled to visit your DS. It’s now 7:30 and the consensus is that I attend just in case. I find you dressing your DS, meaning he is going to school and you need help, but you tell me you didn’t expect me, although you hadn’t actually put this in writing to the agency.

You patronise me by telling me to check my texts, which make about as much sense to me as hieroglyphics so I’m not sure what I’m checking for. I apologise for misunderstanding because I sense you’re being rude to me (is this the first time?) so I sign the book saying that I wasn’t required (just so the office is clear that I left because you said you didn’t need me!)

Then you come on MN and say that I saw you dressing your child and didn’t help because you told me you didn’t need me.

Can you really, truly not understand this OP?

Aridane I wasn’t rude at all, I was with my DS and extremely happy that he had a good night.

Only after his bus left and I had time to reflect did I feel annoyed at the way I was spoken to and how she didn’t engage with my DS.

But like I’ve said already I’ll take responsibility for the frustration that my response caused and let it go.

Posted too soon. I wouldn’t dismiss someone for getting annoyed at being messed around first thing in the morning if she’s one of a team of three who have cared for your DS for years. If she’s good with him and he likes her, that’s more important than this silly misunderstanding.

However, you must accept that the carer may not even want to come back; I refused to go back to a client whose mother was truly awful to me one day even though I really got on with the client.

Ok read half the posts. So I get what you’re saying but there’s two things here; if you hadn’t officially cancelled through the agency then the cater would be obliged to turn up as you could have complained if she didn’t, secondly did you text the carter in the morning to say she wasn’t needed ? You basically wanted to wait to see how your son was in the morning but said nothing to the agency or carer so of course they would turn up??!! The carer probably turned up late as she wasnt sure what was going on. I think you were bad at communicating and confused the carer. Maybe she’d had a bad morning and you messing her about was last straw. You should have made it clear. You are being unfair. It was good of her to turn up when she was unclear. I think she wrote in the book to cover her back as she was officially booked to go. Maybe it came across harshly if English is her second language. I understand her attitude upset you but you messed her about and it’s fair enough she was annoyed with you.

*carer. Predictive text!!

Op, you still haven't answered the question why you told her you weren't expecting her, and made her read her messages her again to prove it, when you've said multiple times since that you didn't cancel with the agency as you still needed help from a carer.

I didn’t contact the agency to cancel the shift as I needed a carer on Friday morning.

I did want her there and needed the help which is why I hadn’t cancelled the shift

Were you expecting her to turn up on Friday morning or not?

Op, apologise to her when she appears for her shift and put it behind you.

I don't think any of us really understand what you were doing.

You basically told her she didn't have to come
You basically indicated to thr agency by not cancelling she did indeed need to come
You told her when she arrived she didn't need to come
You were rude to her and told her to re read her text messages when she queried it. A text that was in no way definitive.

You then decided she was the rude one as apparently she snapped at you and only said hi to your son. How she restrained herself from walloping you I don't know.

Just apologise to her for the confusion you caused, and next time if someone asks you a straight question then give a straight answer.

Yes please plan to come, if anything changes I shall let you or the agency know tomorrow.
No, please cancel, I shall inform the agency I have cancelled also,,,,and then actually do that.

So English isn't her first language and you reply by text that is so ambiguous those of us for whom English is a first language struggled to understand it.

You had cancelled his carers Mon-Thurs and she rang and messaged you Thurs eve for clarification, presumably after office hours, regarding a care call that was to take place, presumably before office hours, the following morning because you hadn't been proactive and contacted the office regarding Friday's requirements.

Erm... yes, YABVVU.

As for not interacting with your son, please realise that whilst he is your son, he is her job, and probably one of many.

Carers shouldn't be too involved with their charges; the best carers are those who can do the job efficiently in a respectful, caring and friendly manner and then forget about the person the minute they're out of the door. In this way, they keep their sanity.

She is not his, "friend", she is his carer. and she is a person in her own right who has a life of her own and her own worries and concerns and you made life very difficult for her on Friday morning by presuming that you could make a last minute decision on the very morning she was due. At least that's what your text message seemed to say on my first couple of readings, and I do use English as my first language.

She did her best to be considerate to both you and your son and you treated her very badly imo. That you would even think of telling the agency you didn't want her any more, which would be a slur on her employment record after you caused this situation, just points to an attitude of entitlement.

If I were she, I'd be telling the agency that I didn't want to be part of your son's team any more tbh.

Update

I received an immediate apology this morning. I was not going to bring it up at all. However his carer explained that she was very ill last week with a throat infection. She had tried to get time off from the agency but as they are understaffed it was not granted. She took the weekend to recover and was fine to work today. She had wanted Friday to stay home too. Apparently the agency have been scheduling her hours between 7am and 10pm and she has been feeling overworked and very run down.

I’m hugely relieved and was reassured that it was a once off situation.

Did you apologise too OP?

Op, apologise to her when she appears for her shift and put it behind you.

bluntness has it spot on. You owe her an apology for your lack of clarity and the impact that had on her and her plans

You basically told her she didn't have to come
You basically indicated to thr agency by not cancelling she did indeed need to come
You told her when she arrived she didn't need to come
You were rude to her and told her to re read her text messages when she queried it. A text that was in no way definitive.

I hope you can now see how confusing and contradictory this all is. Clarity of communication is so important in these kinds of relationships.

Sometimes when things are clear in our own kind we fail to step back and see how it looks to someone else. It's easy to do. In this case I think you've been unfair to her.