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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want her back in my home?

188 replies

Bowrito · 09/02/2019 05:42

This is long winded but I don’t want to drip feed.
We have Carers that come each morning, 6 days a week to help me get my son ready for school. He is non mobile, non verbal but the loveliest boy who unfortunately needs quite a lot of care. The Carers are a small team of 3 that are rostered by an agency and only one a day is needed as I do most of the care myself.

This week my DS was sick and out of school so I cancelled his Carers from Monday-Thursday. He was sleeping in and I didn’t want to wake him at 7 if he was unwell. By Thursday he was better.

Thursday evening I had 2 missed calls from a number I didn’t know which I didn’t answer. Then a message from one of his Carers asking if she was needed on Friday. I replied straight away saying he was much better and would probably be going to school but that I couldn’t 100% say until the morning, that she could leave coming in and I would email the agency. If I do the canceling the Carers are still paid for their time.

On Friday morning this lady arrived at 7.30 when I was dressing my son in the living room and I smiled and said I hadn’t expected her as I’d replied she didn’t need to come in. She had such a bad attitude saying I had told her to come in, I asked her to read her texts again. When she did she said she had misunderstood and in future to be clearer. She asked if my DS was going to school, signed her agency attendance book and left! I read her note and it said ‘mother asked me to leave’ I did not. Throughout the brief conversation I was smiling as my son was there and I was in great form as he was better.

But now I’m pissed off, AIBU to be?

I don’t want someone in my home with an attitude.
If you’re rostered to do a job, come in and do it - don’t be texting me hoping for a morning off.
She should have gone through the agency to ask for the morning off and not me directly.
She was also 30 minutes late if she had thought she was due in.
She saw me struggling to dress my DS but didn’t help just walked out in a huff.
But I’m mostly annoyed that she didn’t interact with my DS. He doesn’t know she’s a carer he thinks she’s his friend. She said hi to him but that was all she was too busy arguing with me.

Do I give her another chance or has a line been crossed now and she will always be rude to me?

OP posts:
cherrytreesa · 09/02/2019 17:18

I didn’t contact the agency to cancel the shift as I needed a carer on Friday morning

But you said you texted her to say you didn't need her to come in(but she misunderstood)...I'm really confused still.

ChardonnaysPrettySister · 09/02/2019 17:36

But you told her in the morning you didn't expect her to come? Yet you didn't cancel with the agency because you though you needed a carer in the morning?

So if she'd followed your text but you hadn't cancelled officially she would have been in trouble.

lottiegarbanzo · 09/02/2019 18:22

Yup, totally confusing. She was contracted by the agency. If you wanted to cancel you needed to do so through the agency.

She arrived, you told her she wasn't needed and sought to humiliate her by making her read back a text message which you claim (but she quite reasonably hadn't understood) had told her not to come in (but, see above). In this way you directed her to leave. You then got in a strop because she recorded that you asked her to leave.

In future, keep all contact through the agency. If she contacts you directly, tell her clearly to communicate through the agency.

Bluntness100 · 09/02/2019 18:42

I didn’t contact the agency to cancel the shift as I needed a carer on Friday morning

I was dressing my son in the living room and I smiled and said I hadn’t expected her as I’d replied she didn’t need to come in

Honestly op., I'm on here far too much and I have not ever seen a poster write such contradictory stuff. With every post you basically contradict your previous one. But you're doing it like it makes sense in your own head or something.

Bluntness100 · 09/02/2019 18:53

I was not rude at all to her in the house, there was no need for her attitude but I will give her another chance as my confusing text caused her frustration

You'll give her another chance?? You caused this. 100 percent. Even we can't understand what you were playing at.

These carers usually do a fabulous job for little pay. Are you trying to get her fired? To create a situation so you can complain about her

Either there is some learning difficult that causes you to not be able to articulate properly or you were being malicious and trying to cause a scenario to get this woman fired.

Livedandlearned · 09/02/2019 19:00

If i was the carer in this situation im mot sure if I would want to go back.

Onlyjoinedforthisthread · 09/02/2019 19:08

bluntness
You are on here nearly as much as me and I agree. The OP seems to live on a different planet

Bluntness100 · 09/02/2019 19:12

Op, do you have a history of causing difficulties for the carers? I think it's natural to now wonder if this woman wrote that you'd asked her to leave as a way to protect herself as she knew the score.

ChardonnaysPrettySister · 09/02/2019 19:22

Maybe she was 30 min late because she was waiting for the agency to cancel the job, because you had told her you would email them?

It's not ideal, but it would explain it.

OlennasWimple · 09/02/2019 19:23

I'm thoroughly confused by what the OP actually wanted from the carer

I'll be charitable and put it down to the OP having had five days of dealing with a poorly child plus a newborn, but I feel very sorry for the carer having to try to navigate the situation

bigbluebus · 09/02/2019 19:38

It sounds as though she was a little p**d off because she arrived and it seemed that you didn't want her there. I would have said "now you're here you may as well stay and help" in that situation.

To be honest, if you like her (usually) and more importantly your DS likes her I would just suck it up as a misunderstanding and in future a) make your messages clearer and b)clarify with her that you will only communicate with the agency as arranged. Believe me, you will encounter much bigger issues with agency staff/carers in future so pick your battles! (I have had many carers - both employed and agency- in my house over a 20 year period so speak from experience.

Peppapig254 · 09/02/2019 19:45

But you said you didnt need her so why would she stay?

Idonotlikeyoudonaldtrump · 09/02/2019 19:59

Blimey, the OP is getting a ridiculously hard time here.

“You can leave it” = there’s no need.

“You can leave coming in” = there’s no need to come in.

Unless it’s a regional expression?
It does sound like miscommunication though and if English isn’t her first language she could come across as rude without meaning to. It’s not something I’d sack her for!

lottiegarbanzo · 09/02/2019 20:16

'You can leave coming in' = I literally do not know if I am coming or going. Am I coming in, or leaving?

OP you sound stressed. That's understandable. But it's not ok to take it out on the low paid, ESL agency worker.

Justheretogiveaviewfrommyworld · 09/02/2019 20:23

Some posters on this thread should feel ashamed. Talk about a pile on, sorry OP Brew

Waveysnail · 09/02/2019 20:31

I think when she arrived (late but thats another issue). You saying to herb that she wasn't expected caused issue too tbh. I would have took that as you don't want me there which would be confusing since you didn't cancel through agency

Mummyoflittledragon · 09/02/2019 20:33

Bluntness
I would also tend to agree. I don’t think the woman was actually rude. I think she was confused and flustered when op told her to reread the text. I hate seeing the carer as “staff” - you can be snotty to her but woe betide if she has a wtf moment. She wasn’t invited in. Therefore she assumed she was expected to leave. But no op wanted her to stay.. actually.. probably. I’m confused myself. And to top it all the monumental drip feed she’s not even a native English speaker.

SemperIdem · 09/02/2019 20:40

You literally told her that you weren’t expecting her and there was no need for her to come in...she’s inferred from that that you wanted her to leave.

Onlyjoinedforthisthread · 09/02/2019 20:48

Idonotlikeyoudonaldtrump
Agreed she said don't come, so why complain that she didn't stay

EbbandTheWanderingHearts · 09/02/2019 21:04

YANBU! I'm a careworker and under no circumstances would I contact a customer myself. My company tells me where I go and will contact me if a customer cancels a call. Phoning or texting a customer ( assuming she's got your number from the care plan?) would be a disciplinary offence.

Bluntness100 · 09/02/2019 21:15

Phoning or texting a customer ( assuming she's got your number from the care plan?) would be a disciplinary offence

Ok, but can you explain the relevance of this pleas?do you assume this lady works for the same agency as you, or that other agencies couldn't possibly have different procedures? It has to be one or the other right?

Purplespup16 · 09/02/2019 21:15

I suspect as you didn’t cancel with the agency something like this went on...

Carer assumes you don’t want her, goes to next call early. Is called by agency to check/change/add more to her rota. She mentions not going to you and agency then say it was never cancelled and she gets an ear bashing from her agency. So she goes to you so she doesn’t get in anymore trouble. You say she wasn’t needed and she is now completely confused as to why you said in text she can leave it while agency are giving her an ear ache. She is now probably frustrated at the situation and leaves ASAP. She probably didn’t mean to ignore your DS.

If she is normally good and your DS likes her I would leave it. We all have bad/off days.

FlopsyMopsyRabbit · 09/02/2019 21:16

You told her you weren't sure if she'd be needed. You didn't give her a definite " yes, please come in tomorrow " or " no thank you, you won't be needed". So she had no idea wether she was supposed to come or not.

Your son was better and going to school and so needed a carer, right? You didn't cancel her visit through the agency, she hadn't heard anything from you or the agency to say she shouldn't go.

So all she did wrong was... turn up for work?

CoffeeRunner · 09/02/2019 21:20

I have worked as a Carer for many years. About 5 of those in the community.

The rule is generally that unless a call is cancelled with the office, the Carer is expected to attend.

Many times I arrived at a call to find I wasn’t required - for various reasons. I was never rude to the family members about it.

I wouldn’t focus too much about what she wrote in the book - it may be that she is required to use that phrase as a reason for her leaving without providing care.

Ultimately, it is your son & your home and you need to feel comfortable with the people providing his care. I think you are right to see how this week goes OP. If you don’t like her attitude you are under no obligation to have her in your home.

EbbandTheWanderingHearts · 09/02/2019 21:29

Ok, but can you explain the relevance of this pleas?do you assume this lady works for the same agency as you, or that other agencies couldn't possibly have different procedures? It has to be one or the other right?

Of course I don't presume she works for the same company. Hmm I am friends with lots of careworkers who work for different agencies in different parts of the country and it is fairly standard that you do not contact the customer/client/service user ( different agencies use different terms ) yourself. All contact is done by the office. It stops careworkers over stepping boundaries and stops customers ringing careworkers once they've got their personal numbers. The OP states she doesn't know how the careworker got her number. It is not up to the careworker to ask about calls. It is the OP's responsibility to cancel calls with the agency. As she hasn't stated that contact between herself and the careworkers is normal, I'll assume it isn't!