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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want her back in my home?

188 replies

Bowrito · 09/02/2019 05:42

This is long winded but I don’t want to drip feed.
We have Carers that come each morning, 6 days a week to help me get my son ready for school. He is non mobile, non verbal but the loveliest boy who unfortunately needs quite a lot of care. The Carers are a small team of 3 that are rostered by an agency and only one a day is needed as I do most of the care myself.

This week my DS was sick and out of school so I cancelled his Carers from Monday-Thursday. He was sleeping in and I didn’t want to wake him at 7 if he was unwell. By Thursday he was better.

Thursday evening I had 2 missed calls from a number I didn’t know which I didn’t answer. Then a message from one of his Carers asking if she was needed on Friday. I replied straight away saying he was much better and would probably be going to school but that I couldn’t 100% say until the morning, that she could leave coming in and I would email the agency. If I do the canceling the Carers are still paid for their time.

On Friday morning this lady arrived at 7.30 when I was dressing my son in the living room and I smiled and said I hadn’t expected her as I’d replied she didn’t need to come in. She had such a bad attitude saying I had told her to come in, I asked her to read her texts again. When she did she said she had misunderstood and in future to be clearer. She asked if my DS was going to school, signed her agency attendance book and left! I read her note and it said ‘mother asked me to leave’ I did not. Throughout the brief conversation I was smiling as my son was there and I was in great form as he was better.

But now I’m pissed off, AIBU to be?

I don’t want someone in my home with an attitude.
If you’re rostered to do a job, come in and do it - don’t be texting me hoping for a morning off.
She should have gone through the agency to ask for the morning off and not me directly.
She was also 30 minutes late if she had thought she was due in.
She saw me struggling to dress my DS but didn’t help just walked out in a huff.
But I’m mostly annoyed that she didn’t interact with my DS. He doesn’t know she’s a carer he thinks she’s his friend. She said hi to him but that was all she was too busy arguing with me.

Do I give her another chance or has a line been crossed now and she will always be rude to me?

OP posts:
Fowles94 · 10/02/2019 17:38

As a carer of 6 years myself, I would say her behaviour is disgusting. To ignore a client and not help, it should come natural to her.

Relightmyfire2017 · 10/02/2019 17:49

I appreciate that up until this point you have by the sounds of it had a really good, "informal" working relationship with your sons team of carers but going forward it would probably be in everyone's best interests to make it a bit more formal.

I have had my son in respite care for short periods in the past and although it's not the same as in home carers I always insisted on all communication by email for an audit trail.

Also, with regards to any paperwork is this reviewed/audited regularly? If not I would insist on this happening as well.

It doesn't matter how close you are with them, at the end of the day yours is a working relationship and they need to remember that.

I don't think I'd be comfortable having someone with an attitude/temper around my son.

It's a rather delicate situation and I hope you get something sorted out - being a carer is bloody hard work Thanks

manicmij · 10/02/2019 18:05

Your response about your DS being better but not sure if he will be going to school and not sure about needing carer was to me misleading. You also describe yourself as "struggling" when carer arrived. Did you or did you not want the carer to attend. The carer seemed to have given you the benefit of any doubt about whether your DS would be going to school and turned up albeit 30 mins later than usual. I would say the carer was trying to be helpful in a "maybe yes, maybe no" situation. No wonder she huffed off. Give her another chance.

Lunde · 10/02/2019 18:10

I think you are giving very confusing and mixed messages.

You texted her to tell her not to come in and said you would inform the agency. Then she arrived and you told her I hadn’t expected her as I’d replied she didn’t need to come in and now you are upset because she didn't stay and you needed a carer!

I cannot actually work out what you wanted

Ethsmum · 10/02/2019 18:18

Bowrito
After reading your post, it’s as thought I wrote it myself. Snap same situation as you, actually identical. Hard isn’t it?
I take no shit now, I don’t give anyone a second chance. You are not being unreasonable at all. Life is hard enough we don’t ask much, how dare she be rude to you. When I am not caring for my son, I work for our local authority in care. I have done this for 26 years and wouldn’t dream of being rude to my clients.
Keep up the good work mum x

MakeItAmazing · 10/02/2019 18:37

It's very clear that leave coming in means don't come. As in leave it. Don't do it. I'd be very annoyed about her lying.

riotlady · 10/02/2019 18:50

@MakeItAmazing I don’t see how she’s lying at all? If someone said to me “I didn’t need you to come in, reread my texts” I would assume they wanted me to leave?

ChakiraChakra · 10/02/2019 19:17

I think you're the one being rude here OP.

She tried multiple times to get hold of you to ask if she should come in the next day - very reasonable given that he had been off school. You replied with something that several of us here would have been confused by, I personally thought itityou read like you intended to wait and see until the morning to see if you needed her - so she probably waited to hear from you, worried, and decided she should turn up just in case you do need her. You were then rude to her when she turned up. She exchanged common courtesy with your son by saying hi, and she was probably taken aback with your attitude, hence not making "friends" talk with your son (because according to you she shouldn't have even been there)... and you did tell her there and then you didn't want her there, so of course the end result is what she wrote in the book, she wasn't wanted or welcome, so of course the right thing to do was to leave and to explain to the agency that she had turned up and was told to go away again.

I don't think she's done anything wrong. She didn't want a morning off, and it's very unreasonable to leave somebody hanging on as to whether they should turn up to work or not, and care agencies can be awful to staff; if she got it wrong she'd be in trouble with the agency, sacked, told off and/or not paid, even if you are still paying the agency there's no saying she'd be paid, and maybe the book is how she will ensure that she does get paid.

If I were her, I wouldn't be very happy with you.

fuzzyduck1 · 10/02/2019 19:32

Are you sure the carrers get paid then you cancel them?
I think you may find the agency get paid but as they didn’t work they might not get paid?

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 10/02/2019 19:52

It is possible she saw "Leave coming in" as "Leave it till later" , hence arriving at 7.30 not 7,00?

Leave the washing up : I would take this as "Do it later" (because it will need done at some time)

Just a thought.

And signing the book as being asked to leave . Seems ok.
(I would put "declined visit "myself )

Humboles · 10/02/2019 20:05

The expression you should leave coming in is informal English and possibly open to misinterpretation, especially if read in a hurry or when flustered. The context is usually you should leave coming in until nine o'clock or whenever, where you are asking for a postponement, not a total cancellation. The first three words, you should leave (if read quickly) could be misunderstood as a request to go away, full stop. Such are the vagaries of the English language. I think you need to restart the conversation with the carer.

celticprincess · 10/02/2019 20:10

I think one of your issues is with the ‘carers are still paid if they’re cancelled’ type of attitude to your late in the day decision to cancel. Yes, thankfully they’re paid - I’ve worked as a supply teacher and my cancelled days are not paid, even when I’ve tirned up at the school to be told. The other issue for your carer, which could account for her attitude, is the fact that she’s got herself up and ready and out of the house to your for 7:3am without fully understanding your text meant to cancel. And even if she was cancelled the night before she could have had to make arrangements for her own children (if she had any) to be looked after or taken to school, or her partner to have to get the bus and not have the car, or she could have simply just not had to set her alarm clock when she very mich needed a lie in. Lots of reasons to cause the attitude. And lots of reasons why you need to make firmer plans with more notice.

I don’t think what she wrote was wrong. You didn’t want her there, you made that clear so her version says as much. Agree it was splitting hairs.

You said she didn’t interact but you said she did say hello. That’s as much interaction as I would expect to be honest I’d you were telling her she wasn’t needed and also arguing with her. She didn’t offer to help as you made it clear you didn’t want her there by the sounds of it.

greybluegeometry · 10/02/2019 20:13

I smiled and said I hadn’t expected her as I’d replied she didn’t need to come in

I cannot at all understand OP or pp saying the carer lied when she wrote in the notes she was told to leave by the mother.

If I arrived at work to be informed that I had already been told not to come in, I would turn around and head back out the door too! It's hard to know what else this could mean other than ' your services are not required today'.

And when carer protested she HAD been told to come in, OP told her to check her texts to prove that she had been told NOT to come in. What on earth else was the carer supposed to think other than she was told she wasn't required?

Sorry, OP, but your protestation that she wasn't told to go away when she arrived is completely unreasonable.

Original poster
Bowrito · 10/02/2019 20:59

As she has two shifts for the coming week already scheduled I will wait and see how her interactions with my DS are.

I trust her to be punctual as I have not had any issues in the past with her time keeping. As a PP suggested she may have been late as she was waiting to hear from the agency.

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 10/02/2019 21:01

Bowrito - no I think she assumed she wasnt needed and then as you had not cancelled the agency she was forced to go.

But you still dont seem to accept that any of this may have been due to your miscommunication and frankly v mixed messages

ErickBroch · 10/02/2019 21:07

I don't think your text was clear, i'd give her another chance.

Original poster
Bowrito · 10/02/2019 21:13

Quartz2208 I stated early on in this thread that her frustration was caused by my text and the misunderstanding that I caused Hmm
There was only one message exchanged. I thought that it was clear but it was not - no ‘mixed messages’ just one text.

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 10/02/2019 21:18

Did you want her there though or not?

That said just see how she is next week when she turns up - and just chalk it down to a misunderstanding

GloryforGloves · 10/02/2019 21:29

I stated early on in this thread that her frustration was caused by my text and the misunderstanding that I caused

Yes - the text where you told her not to come in and you’d inform the agency & then you didn’t actually inform the agency (so she didn’t have it as an official instruction). I would say that is mixed messages.

Original poster
Bowrito · 10/02/2019 21:33

I did want her there and needed the help which is why I hadn’t cancelled the shift during office hours with my agency nurse manager.

When she texted I felt pressured to let her have the shift off as she asked if he was going to school. If he woke unwell & didn’t go to school, after I said he was, I would have felt bad that the carer made a call so early for nothing.

OP posts:
Nomorepies · 10/02/2019 21:37

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on the poster's request.

Aridane · 10/02/2019 21:41

Bloody hell, I am even more confused now

Quartz2208 · 10/02/2019 21:41

So in your original OP you said on Thursday she could leave coming in (i.e. not bother) and you would email the agency,

Then when she arrived you told her she wasnt needed as per your text

So how come now you are completely changing the story that you did want her there?

Jux · 10/02/2019 21:50

The misunderstanding occurred ONLY because she didn't follow protocol by circumventing the agency. If she had stuck to protocol she'd have gone through the agency and there'd have been no misunderstanding. Fureore,he'd have turned up on time unless you cancelled through the agency.

I'd be telling her to delete my number at the very least. I don't answer calls from unknown numbers either, so I'd be having stern words about her using my private number without permission.

WyfOfBathe · 10/02/2019 21:50

I'm very confused.

Native English speaker (and as an MFL teacher get plenty of practice deciphering strange sentences in many languages!) but wasn't sure what your text meant.

If "leave coming in" means don't come in, it seems that you:

  1. texted to tell her not to come in = don't come
  2. didn't cancel with the agency = do come
  3. said you weren't expecting her/didn't need her = don't come
  4. was annoyed that she left = do come
So I am no clearer and don't blame her for not being sure either!