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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to not want her back in my home?

188 replies

Bowrito · 09/02/2019 05:42

This is long winded but I don’t want to drip feed.
We have Carers that come each morning, 6 days a week to help me get my son ready for school. He is non mobile, non verbal but the loveliest boy who unfortunately needs quite a lot of care. The Carers are a small team of 3 that are rostered by an agency and only one a day is needed as I do most of the care myself.

This week my DS was sick and out of school so I cancelled his Carers from Monday-Thursday. He was sleeping in and I didn’t want to wake him at 7 if he was unwell. By Thursday he was better.

Thursday evening I had 2 missed calls from a number I didn’t know which I didn’t answer. Then a message from one of his Carers asking if she was needed on Friday. I replied straight away saying he was much better and would probably be going to school but that I couldn’t 100% say until the morning, that she could leave coming in and I would email the agency. If I do the canceling the Carers are still paid for their time.

On Friday morning this lady arrived at 7.30 when I was dressing my son in the living room and I smiled and said I hadn’t expected her as I’d replied she didn’t need to come in. She had such a bad attitude saying I had told her to come in, I asked her to read her texts again. When she did she said she had misunderstood and in future to be clearer. She asked if my DS was going to school, signed her agency attendance book and left! I read her note and it said ‘mother asked me to leave’ I did not. Throughout the brief conversation I was smiling as my son was there and I was in great form as he was better.

But now I’m pissed off, AIBU to be?

I don’t want someone in my home with an attitude.
If you’re rostered to do a job, come in and do it - don’t be texting me hoping for a morning off.
She should have gone through the agency to ask for the morning off and not me directly.
She was also 30 minutes late if she had thought she was due in.
She saw me struggling to dress my DS but didn’t help just walked out in a huff.
But I’m mostly annoyed that she didn’t interact with my DS. He doesn’t know she’s a carer he thinks she’s his friend. She said hi to him but that was all she was too busy arguing with me.

Do I give her another chance or has a line been crossed now and she will always be rude to me?

OP posts:

SaturdayNext · 09/02/2019 07:46

If your message to her was as you describe it above, to be honest I would find it confusing. If you didn't need someone on Friday morning, I don't understand why you still hadn't told the agency by Thursday evening?

Springwalk · 09/02/2019 07:47

I wouldn’t want her back because the trust has now been broken, and given that your son is so vulnerable, and unable to communicate I would only want the most gentle, trusted carers around him.
I would not make a complaint about her, it was a misunderstanding, but I would ask for her to be swapped for someone else.
The fact she stormed out without helping you, argued with you in front of your son and lied about you asking her to leave would be enough for me to not want her back in my home.
If she were to come back the atmosphere and tension would not be good for your son. The carers are supposed to be helping you, not adding another layer of stress.

Lovestonap · 09/02/2019 07:51

It's a shame you didn't like her attitude.

She did everything correctly. She wasn't sure whether she should come to work. She tried to get clarification from you but didn't receive a clear answer either from you or the agency. The agency office wouldnt have been open at that time in the morning and if she had asked advice from out of hours service they would have said 'go' just to err on side of caution. She wrote 'mum asked me to leave' as it makes it clear you decided she wasn't needed.

Had she not turned up and you had needed her that morning I expect you would have complained.

Communication problems happen, but if your son has a reliable team (and clearly she is reliable) I wouldn't be so quick to change that.

Your call though, as it is your house and you need to be comfortable who is in it - I just think you should be more reflective about your own part in this miscommunication

Bluntness100 · 09/02/2019 07:52

Gosh, saying she was arguing, lying and storming out is an extreme interpretation of what the op wrote. That's a bit much.

And I also had to read what the op wrote a couple of times. I think it boils down to I think I will need you but I'm not sure, which kind of puts her in a position to call it. She clearly hesitated then decided to go. But I think telling her to read your text again was a bit rude, because quite frankly we all had to read it again and aren't sure what you were saying.

And agree with the pp, saying she left because you asked is simply showing she attended and didn't do the job on your request

talktoo · 09/02/2019 07:54

onlyjoinedforthis no, the only problem was not being late. She was late, she misread the text but blamed the mother and told her off. She then became petulant. She stormed off. She lied about being told to leave. She is not suitable as a carer.

Original poster

Bowrito · 09/02/2019 07:57

The misunderstanding was caused by my wording in the text and English is not her first language. Of course I could have done with the help but I didn’t want her to come so early if she wasn’t needed. He may have work up unwell again.
I didn’t answer the calls to the unknown number as I didn’t see them at the time - I have a newborn as well as my DS and it was 7.30pm which is bedtime for them. Also I never gave her my number, contact should be through the agency only. I gave my number to her friend last week as she asked would I be a reference. The text was there when I looked at my phone so I replied to that as it’s easier. I would have replied in a hurry and not noticed how confusing my wording was.

I am never rude to his Carers or nurses or anyone else in my sons life. Why would I be when they are helping us?! They are people that we will need for his whole life and a blessing.

This lady is rostered in for 2 mornings next week - I will see how it goes for these days.

OP posts:

StoppinBy · 09/02/2019 08:08

I think it was a misunderstanding, I also wonder if the reason she didn't interact with your son was because she was taken back by the way you spoke to her and didn't really know what to say?

Janecon · 09/02/2019 08:11

I think you're being unfair on the carer and because not everyone agrees you're backtracking. In your first post you said you didn't answer the calls because you didn't know who they were from, now you're saying you didn't see them? You're implying the carer wanted a morning off but in fact she turned up for work as she wasn't sure if she was needed or not?

Being a carer is a tough job. I don't really see what the major issue is here and I think you should accept it was a misunderstanding on both sides and move on.

Original poster

Bowrito · 09/02/2019 08:12

I hadn’t contacted the agency to cancel Friday’s morning shift as I expected my DS to be okay. I was leaving it as scheduled until I got a text. This is not common I don’t usually get contacted at all outside of the agency.
I’ve had nurses and Carers be late, miss shifts and I never complained to their agency. In over 100 healthcare workers I have only dismissed one and that was because she fell asleep!

OP posts:

TheNoodlesIncident · 09/02/2019 08:16

OP you told her when she arrived that she wasn't needed and you'd said so, then complained in your post here that she could see you were struggling to get your DS dressed but didn't help. But you had told her she wasn't needed! If you had said, "I thought I'd said I didn't need a carer this morning but I'm glad you're here, please help with this" there wouldn't have been the same bad feeling, would there?

I don't think she's entirely at fault tbh. If she is usually good with your DS - and having a rapport with him is really positive. You wouldn't want to lose that.

Bluntness100 · 09/02/2019 08:19

Can you not see how confusing your being? You can cancel but I might need you, then didn't cancel the agency indicating you did need her then told her to leave when she turned up.

emilybrontescorsett · 09/02/2019 08:22

Why didn't the agency contact you?
What was the career supposed to do?
She tried phoning you twice and 7.30on is not an unreasonable time to my phone.
Your text message was unclear.

Original poster

Bowrito · 09/02/2019 08:25

This lady used to only do one morning a week and recently moved to two with my DS. He likes her and I’ve never had any issues with her before.
I’ll put the way she spoke to me down as frustration from the misunderstanding. But I won’t be snapped at by anyone, especially not in my home and not in front of my children. Being a carer is a hard job and I respect their time. Caring for a disabled child as a mother is just as hard and I don’t need added stress from people that are supposed to be there to help.

OP posts:

tazzle22 · 09/02/2019 08:31

Ok.... so now you are saying you did not cancel with the agency for the morning. The carer then quite rightly arrived even if late although there could have been lots of reasons.

You were leaving

I find it so astounding that the resulting situation has then been interpreted by several posters as her being petulant, rude, flouncing off etc. Bowster said none of that !

If you were leaving it as scheduled Bowster unless you got a text ... from whom as the agency day staff probably don't start to 8am at earliest and if it was the carer had you made it clear to her you wanted her to text you before setting out to your house?

VeraWangTwang · 09/02/2019 08:32

How did she get your mobile number?

Ragnarthe · 09/02/2019 08:33

I think you have added to your stress here. You were vague about whether she was needed and then cross because you told her not to help and she didn't.
Also, you are accusing another carer of giving her your number. How do you know that it wasn't given by the office?
Honestly, I think you should calm down about it and give her another chance.

tazzle22 · 09/02/2019 08:35

Oops sorry.. did not see that sentence " you were leaving" had stayed...was to be amended as I had made a mistake typing but it didn't oops

Original poster

Bowrito · 09/02/2019 08:36

a roster goes out on a Friday from the agency with the following weeks times & details. When my son was sick on Sunday I contacted the agency and cancelled his morning shift. Then as he wasn’t better I would cancel the afternoon before by email. If I cancel less than 24 hours in advance the carer still gets paid for the full shift. As he was well on Thursday I did NOT cancel Friday’s morning shift. I also did not cancel any of his afternoon shifts for the week only the morning ones.

He was well on Thursday and going to school Friday morning - he did go to school. The only reason I said for her to not come in was because I couldn’t 100% say he was going to be okay in the morning and didn’t want to get her up out of bed for no reason and only because she txted and asked.

OP posts:

Aridane · 09/02/2019 09:00

YABU (and terribly unclear to boot- English not being her first language has nothing to do with her inability to understand your confusing text)

SavoyCabbage · 09/02/2019 09:15

Texting that she could leave coming in is nonsensical. Especially when tagged on to the end of the information that you ds was feeling much better.

When she came, you told her you didn't think she was coming as you had said in your text you didn't need her so she went.

Cuttingthegrass · 09/02/2019 09:16

English is my first language and I still can't understand whether you wanted her to come Friday morning or not or whether you wanted her to help or not.

OP. In future perhaps just use the phrase 'please cancel [morning/afternoon] shift for [date]

FredFlinstoneMadeOfBones · 09/02/2019 09:17

I wouldn't be happy either. She was half an hour late and shouldn't have been in a huff because she was being paid to be there.

Springwalk · 09/02/2019 09:27

Can I also add it is the agency’s job to ensure they organise staff, it shouldn’t be down to you or the carer. In that respect they could have been more proactive, and then this situation may not have happened.
The fact she is contacting you late in the evening on a number she shouldn’t have is not ideal, but she was showing commitment by pursuing an answer as to whether she was needed ( or trying to avoid an early start if not, depending how you look at it)

Either way it is exhausting looking after your child and new born, and you did not deserve to be treated in such a way. I would not stand for it in my home and in front of my children. She overstepped the mark by challenging you, walking off and then lying about her reasons for leaving.

I would let her go, you don’t need to feel uncomfortable in your own home.

Springwalk · 09/02/2019 09:30

I understand fully what your instructions were btw. Yes you thought he would be well enough to go to school, so to keep to the schedule but be aware things may change in the morning if he is still ill or has a relapse.
Perfectly clear.
I am assuming you don’t have a crystal ball to check what day your child will be better....do you tried to keep it flexible. Fair enough

Bluntness100 · 09/02/2019 09:37

I really don't understand how you can't see it op.

You write you didn't cancel the day before because you thought he would be well so expected the career to come, but told the care she didn't need to and you'd call the agency. Then when she got there you told her to leave, that you did not want her.

Can you really not see how confusing that would be for someone? Or do you just not wish to accept any form of personal responsibility here?

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