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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not know his wage?!

270 replies

notaniota · 08/02/2019 22:55

A few threads on here have got me thinking, I have no idea what DH earns pm! I know his salary (give or take) but couldn’t tell you how much he gets paid and I don’t look at his pay slips ever!! Is this that odd?? Anyone else?? 😂

OP posts:
Original poster
notaniota · 09/02/2019 21:30

@WelcomeToShootingStars glad to here you can keep it separate and still be in a successful relationship

OP posts:
LaBelleSausage · 09/02/2019 21:34

My DH works in sales, so his incomings vary a substantial amount from one month to the next. He does keep a spreadsheet with it all mapped out on the computer for tax reasons so I could look if I wanted to but I never feel the need. We live well within our means so it just impacts what’s in our savings accounts

OlderThanAverageforMN · 09/02/2019 21:39

OK - I am obviously in an odd relationship, but DH and I had a joint account even before we were married, when we bought our first house together aged only 21. Then we got married, then we had kids etc etc We just basically share everything, everything possible is in joint names, where it isn't we have given right to the other to run the account, we even have the same credit card.

WickedGoodDoge · 09/02/2019 21:45

I don’t know how much DH earns. I could take a rough guess because I know roughly how much people in his role tend to earn. We used to have a joint account years and years ago but switched to separate accounts due to tax purposes. Each of us covers certain expenses and it works for us.

Actually it works really well as I pay for our holidays. I like to go on holiday and spend rather more on them than DH would- he actually likes not knowing how much I spend so he can live in a little fantasy world and pretend that going to the US (for example) for two weeks with two children only costs £50. Grin

Original poster
notaniota · 10/02/2019 09:07

@WickedGoodDoge thank you I feel better knowing I’m not the only one 🙈😆

OP posts:
fussychica · 10/02/2019 09:43

What OlderThanAverage said pretty much word for word.

thecatsthecats · 10/02/2019 11:27

My husband always makes a tedious deal out of telling me it. "Oh it's x plus I don't know what my bonus is, plus car allowance."

Just tell me the damn number for last year or your salary! I think we earn the same once you take all the flim flams into account, but my salary is higher.

OlderThanAverageforMN · 10/02/2019 12:32

I've got it all on spreadsheets too, all the income and pensions. Who they are with, the references, the value. You need to know this stuff if DH kicks the bucket !

Sophiesdog11 · 10/02/2019 12:49

OlderThanAverageforMN - we too have everything joint, except for individual ISA and share accounts and credit cards, and we also have a spreadsheet showing where everything is and how they can be accessed.

All those with separate accounts, do you know who to contact if your DH suddenly died - and could you live on your own earnings/savings until his money was released? It may sound morbid, but better than being left in poverty if money in sole accounts can’t be accessed for months.

fussychica · 10/02/2019 13:10

Yes Older and Sophiesdog agree that's absolutely essential. The older you get the more essential it becomes!

Stickerrocks · 10/02/2019 13:52

Sophiesdog Yes, definitely. There is a world of difference between not knowing exactly how much is in a bank account and knowing who they bank with. We both earn more than enough to pay all expenses out of our own income if we had to and we also have joint savings. That was a key reason why neither of us gave up our career when we had children, so we weren't financially dependent on the other.

OhTheRoses · 10/02/2019 14:04

Yes Sophie'sdog. Many of our assets and accessible money is in my name for that reason.

WickedGoodDoge · 10/02/2019 14:07

I could easily live on my own savings but DH has a spreadsheet on his laptop showing where he holds his savings and details of his various life/pension policies (as do I). Even without it, I could make a pretty good stab as to where things are.

Original poster
notaniota · 10/02/2019 14:33

@OlderThanAverageforMN of course as I have said we have joint savings and investments and anything separate we have named each other as beneficiary’s.

OP posts:
Ohnonotuagain · 10/02/2019 14:48

I roughly know what my DH earns, I don't ask to see his payslips or his bank balance though. I don't see it as important as long as I have a rough idea of what's in the bank and what assets we as a married couple have.

We have a joint account for all household bits and if I need to draw cash out and I have a credit card which he pays off. I'm a SAHM so don't bring in my own money.

Namechanger001 · 10/02/2019 17:23

I don't know my husband's either. I know he is on more than me. I'm actually starting to get my finances in order as was buried in my overdraft which I have taken a loan out and cleared and pay a sensible amount off each month but he got himself into trouble and he asked me to take a joint loan to clear his debts. We have done that and I have suggested we now join all finances pre bills, and then share the remainder equally. He didn't seem keen. I am able to do overtime but I find that money is taken up with Birthday presents, ds's clothes or other things we need. I want to be able to sort things out in the house-jobs that need doing but we never have anything left to do it. He has some stag do's this year we have no holiday booked and it's a big birthday for us both this year and I see nothing being done for either of those. I'm actually starting to get a bit annoyed with how we live paycheck to paycheck. Not really sure what my point is now I've waffled on.

Momdeguerre · 10/02/2019 17:29

I know roughly what my husband earns, we don't have joint accounts and if he works additional hours he is paid more and I wouldn't have a clue. I know he doesn't have any debts. I earn more than him and cover the mortgage and bills etc so

fuzzyduck1 · 10/02/2019 17:42

Does he know what you get paid?
As long as your outgoings are less than your income does it really matter?

April241 · 10/02/2019 17:46

Not unusual at all in my eyes. I thought me and DH earned the same but turns out I earn more. I have more debt that him, I know he has a loan and a credit card. I suppose I know most of his financial stuff but there's maybe stuff I don't know about, couldn't tell you what bills come out of his account.

Just never needed to know really, we both the same amount into the joint account, we add more if we've got a busy month. Both pay for nights out, treats etc... Just never needed to ask him what he earns a year

Port1ajazz · 10/02/2019 17:50

Notaniota , this is a very old fashioned thing that the husband doesn't tell the wife his earnings ! Is there a reason you don't know ?

Longdistance · 10/02/2019 17:53

Well, it’s not unusual to me. I know what dh earns in the region of. I think he knows what I earn in the region off (shit). But, I know we don’t need to moan about money as the mortgage and bills get paid, and we have 3 or 4 holidays a year. We both have savings too. Dh more than myself, but it gets spent on us and nothing frivolous like the latest gadget.

Relightmyfire2017 · 10/02/2019 17:57

My partner knows what I earn, and I know what he earns. There's no big secret. I'd want to know. If he avoided telling me if I asked then I'd be a bit miffed. I'd also start to question why. But that's just me and I may be way off the mark.

April241 · 10/02/2019 18:06

We don't need to ask since we both know how much is available. I find it more bizarre that a couple goes out to dinner and ask who is paying this time

Just replying as an example. DH and I have a joint account which we both pay X into, we also have our own accounts for whatever is left from our wage. If we go on a day out with the kids or a night out together we use the joint account, if we check it and we're a bit short we'll both put in an extra X amount.

We have our own accounts but it doesn't mean we take turns to pay for things extra. I have a hell of a lot more debt that DH so a lot of my left over wage goes on that for example.

Original poster
notaniota · 10/02/2019 18:14

@Port1ajazz I don’t know because I don’t ask, if you RTFT I asked him yesterday morning but he wasn’t entirely sure of his monthly amount either 🤷‍♀️

OP posts:
DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 10/02/2019 18:26

I'd have to ask myself OP what is the big secret. You have two children, god forbid anything happened to either of you, but the other would need to know where they stood.
It's almost like you think its "prying" into what he earns, but you are a family unit with two children's futures to plan.
You both have a salary, how do you know that the outgoings are being split in a proportionate fair manner.
He seems to be well intentioned if the house is in both your names, but do you have enough life insurance?
Id be encouraging him to go with you to a joint financial planning/will planning to get your finances in order for yours and your children's future.
This is supposedly the age of Transparency and "open Government".