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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not know his wage?!

270 replies

notaniota · 08/02/2019 22:55

A few threads on here have got me thinking, I have no idea what DH earns pm! I know his salary (give or take) but couldn’t tell you how much he gets paid and I don’t look at his pay slips ever!! Is this that odd?? Anyone else?? 😂

OP posts:
Rufusthebewilderedreindeer · 09/02/2019 17:18

So you do know, roughly, if you are ticking those boxs

I know dh earns more than 60k as we dont get child benefit, in theory I don't know how much more than 60k he earns

In practice as i said i know within about 5k

PooleySpooley · 09/02/2019 17:51

I know exactly how much he earns as we have a joint bank account.

When he goes away with the forces I also totally in charge of all our finances.

PooleySpooley · 09/02/2019 17:52
Grin
Original poster
notaniota · 09/02/2019 17:54

@PooleySpooley Dh not in the forces but he does work away for weeks at a time also.

OP posts:
PooleySpooley · 09/02/2019 17:56

DH can’t contact me or access his bank account for months so I have to have access.

Original poster
notaniota · 09/02/2019 18:04

Yes DH just leaves me his card and he uses work credit card for his expenses which are only travel related. Once he is at work then there is no need for money 😂

OP posts:
Gennz18 · 09/02/2019 18:11

How does it work if you have to take maternity leave and aren’t earning?

How is the effect of caring for children factored in?

I have a friend who has separate finances with her DH - she has to save up to cover “her” bills etc for the duration of time she wanted to take off for mat leave. There was no recognition that she was providing a service (childcare) that would have otherwise cost actual money. Quite apart from anything else.

They recently moved cities for his job- his salary has increased & she can’t find a job. As a result she’s just scraping by while he goes on flash fishing trips with the boys.

I’m sure there are ways to manage financial inequality in a relationship when finances are separate but IMO it makes it more likely to occur and the usual person who suffers is the woman who tends to beat the financial impact of childbearing & caring.

Original poster
notaniota · 09/02/2019 18:22

@Gennz18 we are finished our family, I have stayed at home when the were babies and we just used my mat leave pay and his pay, same process just less money in my account.

I find it amusing that ppl automatically assume your DH must be a financially abusive asshole because you keep separate accounts 🙄

OP posts:
Stickerrocks · 09/02/2019 18:28

We had enough joint savings for me to take whatever I needed during my mat leave. That was when you only had 90% pay for 6 weeks, a token amount for the next 12 weeks and the remainder of 6 months unpaid. Full time childcare costs were paid from our joint account alongside all other bills, so split equally, as both our careers were equally important.

Original poster
notaniota · 09/02/2019 18:36

@Stickerrocks are you finding it as annoying as I am that ppl are hell bent on finding something wrong with the fact that you can have separate accounts, transparency with money and a DH whose not an asshole 🙄

OP posts:
OhTheRoses · 09/02/2019 18:42

Dunno about stick but I am.

Gennz18 · 09/02/2019 18:42

@notaniota I didn’t say (or assume) yours was - just that I think these arrangements are more likely to negatively affect women. DH and I have the exact same qualifications and had the exact same job titles/ seniority (lawyers) pre our 2 kids. I’ll leave you to guess whose career has gone gangbusters and whose has stalled.

IMO it also mkes planning for large capital expenditure trickier - for example we are mulling over renovating our house in the next 3-5 years. Would be virtually impossible to plan for this without knowing what our total income is, pay rises etc. You’d never run a business without visibility of all revenue figures, profit growth etc! It just doesn’t seem very efficient.

Stickerrocks · 09/02/2019 18:43

I think it simply depends how financially secure you are in your own right. If I only had a part time minimum wage job, I would need to know how much DH earns. However, as we can both comfortably cover our total household expenses each month out of one of our own incomes, it really doesn't bother either of us what we each earn or spend our money on. Last year he knew I was going to buy myself a new car, but we didn't discuss how much I was going to spend. He has booked a long weekend away for him & DD in the summer, again, I have no 8dea how much it will cost him, but he doesn't know how much a cruise I'm taking her on in a few weeks will cost. It's worked for us for 25 years of married life, but probably wouldn't work for others. You sound to have a similar mindset to me.

DarAdal · 09/02/2019 18:44

My DH does not know exactly what I earn, he has a rough idea and he knows it is quite a bit more than him but that's all.

Original poster
notaniota · 09/02/2019 18:47

@Gennz18 if we want to do house stuff we dip into savings!

Anything bigger that required a loan larger loan/remortgage...well then we would go to the bank I suppose and we would declare what we earn and I would find out then 😂

OP posts:
nokidshere · 09/02/2019 18:50

@Stickerrocks are you finding it as annoying as I am that ppl are hell bent on finding something wrong with the fact that you can have separate accounts, transparency with money and a DH whose not an asshole 🙄

To be fair, your op wasn't about any of those things it was about you being pleased with yourself for not knowing how much your partner earns. That's hardly transparency with money is it? You are lucky enough to be in a position where you don't need to know the details because there is enough to go round. If you can use your partners card without first asking if there is enough in the account to fund whatever it is you are buying then presumably you either do know, or there's plenty of it.

Original poster
notaniota · 09/02/2019 19:00

@nokidshere I suppose it’s not so transparent but I could find out. And as I said upthread I did ask him this morning when I woke up. It’s not like I’m afraid of the guy!

OP posts:
mydogisthebest · 09/02/2019 19:10

Turncloak, yes we have what you so sarcastically call "family" money. Neither of us get why you would be married and have separate accounts but each to their own. It's certainly nothing to do with being worried about the other getting up to anything. That is just laughable.

I just don't get how people don't know what their OH's earn. Do couples never talk to each other? It seems on mumsnet that couples should have separate accounts, not know what the other earns, never phone of text each other during the day or even if one goes away for work or holiday.

I am surprised no one has come up with the "you are needy" comment to those of us with joint accounts and knowing what our OH's earn

Rufusthebewilderedreindeer · 09/02/2019 19:42

I might not know to the penny what he earns but i know vaguely and we have a joint account

CheerioHunter · 09/02/2019 19:57

I wouldn't worry if it's weird or not, everyone lives their lives differently.
Just because you're married doesn't mean you have to be aware of everything, UNLESS, you decide you feel you need to.
I think what's more important is -
Do you feel comfortable not knowing his monthly take home?
Do you have any financial concerns?
Do you trust him to discuss it with you if he couldn't meet financial commitments?
And I guess, does he extend the same attitude to you? Or does he insist on knowing everything regarding your incoming and outgoings?

For what it's worth, I had a rough idea of what my DP earned, I told her what I earned but I'm certain she doesn't remember it any more than a rough idea.
I have an approx idea of her savings and she had the same of mine until recently when we've looked at lots of home improvements and for the first time (in several years together) she asked what savings I had (I suspect because I told her I'm feeling f**ked off with everything needing replacing and she mistook it for financial concern rather just being royalty pfffed off! - Before that, any big purchases/holidays were just met with a "Sure we can afford it?" (We don't have a joint account or anything)
Perhaps I'm afforded such a freedom because she knows how boringly sensible I am regarding finances or indeed any form of commitments in that sense.

So, if you're comfortable with your situation, then great, if not, have a little chat, pretty certain he won't mind, if you think he might just suggest you both create a joint spreadsheet of ins/outs to help save up for a fancy getaway or something.

Original poster
notaniota · 09/02/2019 20:31

@CheerioHunter thank you. Yes we are both happy with how things are and trust each other very much.

OP posts:
bababoom100 · 09/02/2019 20:38

YANBU. I know roughly what my husband earns but not the specifics. He has told me but i always forget. As long as our finances are ticking over i don't really care.

Original poster
notaniota · 09/02/2019 20:41

@bababoom100 thank youmadorwhat

OP posts:
Original poster
notaniota · 09/02/2019 20:41

@bababoom100 thank you

OP posts:
WelcomeToShootingStars · 09/02/2019 21:24

I don't think it's all that strange.

I don't know what my husband's salary is, though I could take a stab in the dark. We keep our finances completely separately and always have done. We both have full access to our savings, shares and other assets. We just agreed how much we'd contribute to them monthly way back when we started doing it. We've both increased what we contribute to savings etc as we've had salary increases but just of our own accord. We jointly decide what to do with savings every 6 months or so.

But salary is paid to our own accounts and everything is individual aside from savings.