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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My Partner of 8 years being invited to family wedding without me...

308 replies

BettyR03 · 08/02/2019 22:19

My partner and I received a save the date about a year ago, for their cousins wedding, whom we both have a good relationship with, it’s not a close one, but when we do see each other we all get along really well. Well the invitation for said wedding have just arrived... but only for my partner to attend during the day, and for me to join in the evening... the location is a good couple of hours away so it will mean travelling and turning up by myself. Am I being unreasonable to be a bit upset to not be invited? We’re not married but have been together for 8 years and have kids together. My partner can’t see why I’m upset/annoyed by this, and just keeps calling me immature and self centred for being a bit irked by it.
Any advice would be great. Thanks x

OP posts:
Fabaunt · 09/02/2019 10:19

We’re currently planning our own wedding so I have a little bit of sympathy towards the couple who sent the invitations. Depending on the venue, or the budget, they may have a small enough max number. My own wedding myself and my partner are expecting 120 to the sit down meal. That’s 60 couples each really. That’s nothing when you add parents, siblings, their partners, close friends, close family, extended family.
I have a huge extended family so while all my aunts and uncles are being invited, one cousin from each family will be invited.

I would be miffed too, OP. So you’re not wrong to be upset and certainly not selfish. However they did follow it up with an email explaining. You aren’t close to this particular relation and to be honest, id just let it go. I would say the other distant relatives other halves aren’t invited to the meal either.

Aeroflotgirl · 09/02/2019 10:28

Reading through your posts it looks like double standards, he was hurt when he found out your brother was thinking about not inviting him die to numbers. Difference is, your brother was understanding when you explained it was a no, you had your partners back. Sorry your partner does not have yours, he does not sound like much of a partner tbh. That would make me think less of him. You need a long hard talk to him and take it from there.

RaffertyFair · 09/02/2019 10:32

I would say the other distant relatives other halves aren’t invited to the meal either.
except the OP knows for a fact that's not the case Fabaunt
The Dp's sister is an equally distant relation but her partner of just 2 years is invited to the whole day.

SimplyPut · 09/02/2019 10:33

@BettyR03 I feel hurt on your behalf just reading about it all. I would not be going and clearly explaining the following;
Brothers wedding- hurt felt by your partner and your solidarity and support.
Sisters partner invited.
Unacceptable to call you immature etc.

Original poster
BettyR03 · 09/02/2019 10:39

My SIL and her partner have just had a little girl together, but haven’t spoken of getting married anytime soon, so they’re in the same boat I suppose.
We have started talking marriage the last couple of years, but aren’t engaged and don’t plan on getting married for a while. So I’m not sure what the reasoning behind not being invited could be.
My partner and I aren’t currently speaking as both feel we are in the right, so I’ll try and bring it up again later once he’s home and had time to cool off.
Thank you all for your advice, it really helps to know I’m not overreacting and that others would feel the same. I’m still pondering whether to go or not, as childcare is a genuine issue now (karma works in mysterious ways).
Has anyone ever attended an evening part by themselves before and had a fun time, knowing all the other guests had bonded over the day and had shared experiences?
As for my partner, I agree we need to have a talk about why he feels it is okay to behave this way and disregard my feelings the way he has.
He’s generally a good partner and has been there for me in really hard times in my life, but he sometimes gets it wrong when it comes to family and priorities, but we’re all human and everyday is a learning day. Who said relationships were easy? 🤦🏻‍♀️🙈

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 09/02/2019 10:43

I just wouldn't go op, a on principle and b it's a faff. What your 'partner', decifes to do, will say a lot about how he sees you! He wod not like to be treated like that, why on earth would he think you can be!

cuppycakey · 09/02/2019 10:44

YANBU.

I would be mightily relieved as I hate weddings and would not attend the evening.

Redshoeblueshoe · 09/02/2019 10:47

Show him the thread

Fabaunt · 09/02/2019 10:48

The Dp's sister is an equally distant relation but her partner of just 2 years is invited to the whole day.

Ok, that is weird and even more understandable that she be annoyed. I wouldn’t take not being invited by his family out on him as he can only be responsible for his own actions however, I’d recommend a calm chat about how you were feeling and id be expecting him to have your back or at least be more supporting. If he’s not, then you’ve a bigger issue than not being invited to a wedding.

Haggisfish · 09/02/2019 10:48

Nope. I have gone to evening dos on my own and spent a perfunctory amount of time there and left. I hate it.

lisasimpsonssaxophone · 09/02/2019 10:49

I really couldn’t get worked up about this. A cousin that you’re not close to... I would never even expect an invite and would be very understanding of the numbers issue (I am currently planning my own wedding and know what a logistical nightmare that can be!)

If you say yourself that you aren’t close then I think YABU to expect an invite. I also don’t get this outrage at only inviting one half of a couple. My friend is going through this same thing with a cousin at the moment and has been informed that the cousin ‘should not be expected to go anywhere without her husband’. What century is it?!

thebabysmellsofpooagain · 09/02/2019 10:57

I get on amazingly well with my cousin yet wasn't invited at all to his wedding, and only got invited to the evening of his older brothers who I'm not as close with.

Weddings are expensive OP, we tried to plan ours prior to my dad passing and no matter how hard we tried, we would have upset someone because it was just too much money to have everyone there. I really wouldn't read too much into it!

Why don't you get yourselves a babysitter and a hotel near the venue, you can have a lovely chilled day while your partner is at the wedding, then join in the evening xx

HoraceCope · 09/02/2019 11:08
Sad that is rude and horrible, and he is horrible not recognising your hurt
HoraceCope · 09/02/2019 11:09

If they want a present op, give them a bucket!

x2boys · 09/02/2019 11:14

I think.it's rude not to invite.partners , I went to two of my cousins wedding s last summer I went on my because children were not invite (fair enough) so d h stayed at home to look after them but he was invited .

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 09/02/2019 11:19

He is entitled to his opinion but I'd be most upset and disappointed that he can't try and understand how you're feeling even though he felt exactly the same in a very similar scenario! Surely he can see how hypocritical that is

freemind00 · 09/02/2019 11:26

I am bit appalled with that attitude of the couple and very not inclusive. Feel they only take themselves into consideration and not others. Wedding is a family celebration where everyone will be happy and enjoy. If numbers are limited, then should have invited immediate family plus their spouse only in the church. Why are children not invited? I find it amazing!!!

This has created a rift between you and your partner. What else will come next? Stop this before it gets any worse. I think you need to let the couple know about this. Please don't burn yourself emotionally by mentioning only in this thread. Let you partner know that things has to be done as a family.

If your partner cant take criticism about his family. Stop it. You also don't take any for your side of the family. Make this as a ground rule. Only you can criticise your own family. If you want to comment, then mention it as a fact with no opinion in it and emotions. (look I have been thru this!!!).

As for the wedding, show examples of other weddings ( even global) where everyone is included. Show this to the kids. I am sure your husband will listen to the kids. With time, his mind will have a different perspective.

Hope this helps.

TidyDancer · 09/02/2019 11:29

There are definitely circumstances in which not inviting established partners is understandable and acceptable but I don't think this is one of them. It sounds like a deliberate snub, particularly since another less established partner is invited.

I think it's fine for your DP to go alone and he shouldn't be pressuring you to go just to presumably make his life easier.

I'm not a fan of two tier invitations anyway though and if DP and I ever get round to getting married we won't be having evening invitations only, they don't sit right with me.

Ethel80 · 09/02/2019 12:42

People really need to get past this idea that marriage is the only way a relationship can be long term and committed. I have friends who have been together 20 years, have a child together and own a house. Those things are way more committed than a wedding! Their relationship is no less valid than that of friends who are married. It's horribly old fashioned and total bullshit.

Whocansay · 09/02/2019 12:53

I would take his reaction as a betrayal and would be very hurt.

I am cynical, but I am wondering if he's reacted like this because he wants you to give him a lift home after he's been drinking all day. It would explain why he's thrown his toys out of the pram.

TheSerenDipitY · 09/02/2019 13:05

to be honest id be telling him to shove the wedding up his ass, no way in hell would i be going ( we know its only so you can be his sober driver so fuck him he can walk the million miles home)

And if his family think this is ok then to be honest id be fucking them off too, not no contact but a definite cooling of contact, interest in them, leaving him to do gifts and family shit with them.... if you are not considered family to them then no way should you consider them family to you.... he needs to understand that you will show them the exact same regard, THE EXACT SAME, as they show you!

i wouldn't attend a wedding where my partner wasn't invited, because we are a couple, a pair, a set, a family unit and i wouldn't be so nasty to allow him to be treated like an after thought or as something temporary in my life and he wouldn't do that to me either ( not to say we cant go out on our own which we often do as we have different hobbies and interests but we always ask if the other would like to attend)

AlpacaPicnic · 09/02/2019 13:08

He can rsvp then.
He can arrange the gift.
He can arrange the transport.
He can arrange the hotel.
He can arrange childcare.

He can sort everything out. You just pick a nice outfit!

MrDarcyWillBeMine · 09/02/2019 13:10

What I would like to know is this ‘if you were married would you have been invited?’

I think the answer to that dictates how annoyed you can be! Although as a 2019 bride, it’s pretty shitty to invite one half of a couple (especially when a long journey is involved)!

*marriage does seem to make a difference though. Our parents (paying towards our wedding) thought it ok not to invite my cousins partner of 3 years to the day but wouldn’t hear of excluding my other cousins wife - despite them having been together for only 2 years! But she’s ‘legally family’ my mother exclaimed! 😂

It’s NOT about numbers btw, it’s 100% about cost!

‘Due to numbers’ is a nicer way to say ‘due to us not wanting to pay £XXX a head for you!

There are some exceptions, if it’s a very small or limited venue (but you can easily find capacity limits online for most venues)!

Hate to say it but I’ve never heard of a wife not being invited unless she really didn’t get along with the couple!

Wearywithteens · 09/02/2019 13:22

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Ukelou · 09/02/2019 13:22

I wonder if the sil partner has been invited but you haven't is because they knew sil would kick up a fuss but your dp wouldn't.