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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Asking friend to return maternity clothes

739 replies

CakeCrumbs88 · 08/02/2019 16:36

Last year a good friend of mine was pregnant with her first DC, so I gave her a load of maternity clothes; the good pieces e.g. Isabella Olivier trousers, Seraphine dresses, a lovely woollen maternity coat, rather than my washed out Primark leggings with holes.

I’m now pregnant with DC3, and she with DC2. During one WhatsApp chat I said “let me know when would be good for me to pop in and collect my pregnancy clothes, can’t believe how soon I need them with number three!”

She responded “um, pretty taken aback you’d ask me that. I’m pregnant too and you gave them to me”

I’m stunned. Surely I’m NOT unreasonable??

By way of comparison, a friend of mine gave me load of her baby’s clothes and toys when I had DC1 but when she was pregnant with her DC2 at the same time as me, I arranged to return her belongings, even though of course I could have made use of them. It didn’t occur to me not to!

FWIW, I intend to insist, but would rather get some views first to try to understand where she is coming from.

OP posts:
stayathomer · 08/02/2019 18:40

I wouos have thought maternity clothes were always passed back ( toys no but maternity clothes yes). I think you were polite in how you asked and she was a c.f. ( and irritating in her phrasing!!!) not to come straight back no matter what was said initially as you helped her out. I'm afraid in the same way I'd let her go and probably the friendship too as tyhisll come up again

TidyDancer · 08/02/2019 18:43

I'm surprised at the responses. I think it's perfectly okay to ask for them back. You could phrase it as 'oh dear, I'm sorry if there's been a misunderstanding, but....'.

There's no way she's sold some of the items is there?

Stayawayfromitsmouth · 08/02/2019 18:44

Any baby clothes or indeed other tools/ household items given to me I have always double checked with the original owner whether they want them back. Your friend is a bit cheeky.

Praiseyou · 08/02/2019 18:45

YANBU. She should have given them back to you when she found out you were pregnant.

Pk37 · 08/02/2019 18:45

I would never give something to someone and expect it back unless I’d made it abundantly clear that it was a loan

PolarBearDisguisedAsAPenguin · 08/02/2019 18:48

I just don’t understand why, since the OP considered the clothes a loan, she didn’t ask for them back as soon as her friend gave birth. Otherwise you’re just expecting a friend to have the inconvenience of storing clothes for some unspecified future date.

Igotthemheavyboobs · 08/02/2019 18:48

I probably wouldn't assume they were to be returned but no one in my circle has ever done this with anything. If you lend someone something, you say it's a loan so the person can say no. I wouldn't accept any type of clothing as a loan as I would worry constantly about spillages / holes etc. It's not worth it imo.

However, if I was the friend, I would give back all the items or chuck the op some money to replace the items I couldn't. It's not worth the stress but I would then back away from the relationship.

pangolina · 08/02/2019 18:48

I can't believe most of these responses. Irrespective of what she thought, the second you said you wanted them back should have agreed. She thinks it's ok for you to pay for two lots of maternity clothes while she pays for none and wears yours? Bizarre.

slcol · 08/02/2019 18:50

I would have offered them back as soon as the OP said she was pregnant. Otherwise you're expecting to keep the nice pricey clothes belonging to a friend while they buy new ones. How is that logical?

KurriKurri · 08/02/2019 18:51

So effectively Friend had your maternity clothing for her first child which you had bought. Now she wants to keep them whne you are also pregnant, so she expects you to buy new clothes.
So you will have id twice over for maternity wear, while she has paid not at all. How is that fair or easonable in anyone's world.
i wouldn;t dream of hanging on to someone's maternity clothes if they were pregnant at the same time as me. I'd have handed them back after i;d had my first child in case you wanted to sell them or hand them to another pregnant friends.

She's a CF - I've never hung on to maternity clothing - I always loaned it out and people lent me stuff - never for a minute thought it was mine for keeps once it came my way - it was all generally pooled around friends and sisters whoever needed it.

Really cannot get my head round the idea that people think you shoudl shell out again - doesn;t matter whether you said ' have these' or 'borrow these' or whatever - it's not a contract with legal technicalities to be fought over - it is friends doing the right thing. and the right thing is that you need the maternity clothes you bought, She may need them too but she didn;t but them - this time round she'll have to buy her own clothes - lucky her she didn't have to for her first child. And if she behaves nicely then maybe you'll relend them if she has a DC3.

KurriKurri · 08/02/2019 18:51

excuse typos - crumbs in the keyboard !

Honeyroar · 08/02/2019 18:53

It’s a tough one. I can understand why you’re upset and now you’ve asked, she should give you as much as she can back.

Did you say “would you like these maternity things?” Or “would you like to borrow these maternity things?” There’s a big difference..

Have you replied to her yet? Perhaps say sorry there’s been a misunderstanding but that’s expensive stuff and I need to use it. I’m glad you got to use it during your last pregnancy, but you’re going to have to buy some this time.

Weetabixandshreddies · 08/02/2019 18:53

I think it's 6 of one and half a dozen of the other.

Friend seems to think you gave them, which you kind of suggest you did.

Now you want them back.

If that was me, even if I thought you had given them to me, I would give them straight back when you asked.

But maybe she no longer has them to give back because she thought they were hers?

If she has them but is just refusing then that's just mean.

Original poster
CakeCrumbs88 · 08/02/2019 18:54

She has not given them away or sold them.
She had her first DC in the summer, so not a huge amount of time has passed.

I have a professional job so need smart maternity wear. As I said in my original post, I'm not talking about a pair of old leggings which would be neither here nor there.

The reason I kept the clothes for two years plus in a wardrobe is that we’d hoped to have number three but it took a bit longer than expected. Otherwise I’d have sold them/ given them to charity.

As a few posters have said she’s a friend and I think it’s an (awkward) misunderstanding so I’ll send a message similar to the one a PP drafted.

OP posts:
Hazards · 08/02/2019 18:56

Lesson learnt if you merely lending say so if your gifting say so. If I were you I might have asked would she mind if I had a few key pieces back because they fitted me well last pregnancy and I'll miss them but in no way would I have demanded or insisted.

Stompythedinosaur · 08/02/2019 18:57

I agree that if you didn't specify they were a loan she was pretty reasonable to think they were a gift.

StandAndBeCounted · 08/02/2019 18:59

It's so interesting how different we all are. The OP will need to get her pad and pen out and start tallying the responses to get an answer to her original question!

I think I'm with you tbh OP.

AndItStillSaidFourOfTwo · 08/02/2019 19:00

There's something incredibly hard-nosed and grabby about benefiting from someone's generosity (significantly so, in this case - maternity clothes are expensive, esp per use) and then refusing to return the items because it wasn't specified clearly that it was a loan, knowing the person who saved me time and money in my last pregnancy was now going to have to fork out both. I'd probably not insist on having them back, but that would be it for the friendship as far as I was concerned. I wouldn't be wanting to see her in my clothes throughout our pregnancies.

StandAndBeCounted · 08/02/2019 19:00

Even if they were a gift as a friend I would gift them back if you were pregnant and you'd bought them. And even if I did think it was a bit off I wouldn't say so.

Crunchymum · 08/02/2019 19:02

Regardless of the whole "gift or loan" conundrum, if someone asked me for something back, I'd bloody well give it back

(I did refuse all baby shit people wanted returned though as I couldn't be arsed to keep track of it and store it etc)

My sister gave me a rather expensive baby chair and once she fell pregnant again, we bought our own chair and returned it. There were no specifications about gift or loan and my sister never asked for it back, but common sense dictated I gave the chair back.

I'd just reply "sorry for any confusion, but I can't afford to replace my maternity wardrobe, whilst you keep my clothes"

Drum2018 · 08/02/2019 19:04

I'd expect them back. I gave away mine when I was finished and made it clear I didn't need them back. Recipient even gave me a voucher for a massage. She passed them onto her sister who was delighted. It was clear from the outset that I didn't want them back but she made sure to check with me. I think you should text back to say it's obviously a misunderstanding but that you will be needing them back. They saved her buying maternity clothes first time round so surely she can go off and buy a few things for herself this time. My own sister lent her clothes and also borrowed some from friends. It's the done thing in her circle. But the clothes always belong to the person who originally bought them.

StatisticallyChallenged · 08/02/2019 19:05

I think she should give them back. If she had disposed of them then fair enough, write it off as a misunderstanding. But she has them, she's had use of them, you paid for them. If only one person can use them it should be op

HunterHearstHelmsley · 08/02/2019 19:05

Oh God. This reminds me of when a friend gave me some maternity clothes for my DSis when she was pregnant. They were 100% given so I passed them onto my sister. Once she was done, she charity shopped them.

2 years down the line, friend asked her them back. Obviously I couldn't return them as I no longer had them. She wanted me to buy her new clothes.

I was not impressed. Obviously said no. I would never have considered accepting as a loan. They weren't even for me and I couldn't guarantee they'd be well looked after etc.

We still talk but it's strained now.

Original poster
CakeCrumbs88 · 08/02/2019 19:07

And about the gift vs loan issue. I gave her a gift while she was pregnant- nicely wrapped with a name tag on it. clearly a gift. I never assumed that she’d see the ikea bag of clothes i’d been storing for much wanted number three as a gift in the same way.

But this thread has definitely opened my eyes to how differently people view things like this.

OP posts:
Weetabixandshreddies · 08/02/2019 19:07

If she definitely does have them then regardless of the misunderstanding she should give them back.

Her reply sounds so odd though it's making me think she doesn't have them but if you know differently then she should give them back.