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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Asking friend to return maternity clothes

739 replies

CakeCrumbs88 · 08/02/2019 16:36

Last year a good friend of mine was pregnant with her first DC, so I gave her a load of maternity clothes; the good pieces e.g. Isabella Olivier trousers, Seraphine dresses, a lovely woollen maternity coat, rather than my washed out Primark leggings with holes.

I’m now pregnant with DC3, and she with DC2. During one WhatsApp chat I said “let me know when would be good for me to pop in and collect my pregnancy clothes, can’t believe how soon I need them with number three!”

She responded “um, pretty taken aback you’d ask me that. I’m pregnant too and you gave them to me”

I’m stunned. Surely I’m NOT unreasonable??

By way of comparison, a friend of mine gave me load of her baby’s clothes and toys when I had DC1 but when she was pregnant with her DC2 at the same time as me, I arranged to return her belongings, even though of course I could have made use of them. It didn’t occur to me not to!

FWIW, I intend to insist, but would rather get some views first to try to understand where she is coming from.

OP posts:
Rezie · 08/02/2019 19:09

If I was the friend I would obviously give them back. I would be thinking WTF. Maybe there is unwritten rule on maternity clothes that I'm unaware. I do think if something is given then they are yours unless specified. I wouldn't loan things unless it is for a specific event etc.

I don't think either is specifically unreasonable and this sboudltn really affect friendship other than stopping giving/loaning things for a while.

Igotthemheavyboobs · 08/02/2019 19:09

But why did you give them to her if you wanted them back OP? And why haven't you asked for them back since?

Weetabixandshreddies · 08/02/2019 19:10

OP, I've given lots of stuff away when we've finished with it. I've never gift wrapped it - it's second hand! Gift wrapping is for brand new gifts surely? Not for stuff I've finished with and am giving to you to make use of?

pictish · 08/02/2019 19:11

Honestly, it is totally off to demand something back that you have given away. Once it’s gone it’s gone...you relinquish ownership when you hand it over.

“I don’t suppose you’ve still got those maternity clothes I gave to you do you? I’d take them back if you have.” Is fine.

“Let me know when I can pop in and collect my clothes.” Is bloody cheeky.

Lovingit81 · 08/02/2019 19:12

I think you are totally unreasonable. Who swaps about clothes willy nilly?Confused You gave them to her pure and simple. If you wanted them back you should have made it clear it was a loan. If you were my friend I'd be giving you a wide birth,excuse the pun!

LuckyLou7 · 08/02/2019 19:12

I would have specified the clothes were a temporary loan and asked for their return once her pregnancy was over.
As it is, it seems she regards the clothes as a gift and therefore hers now.
If I were her, I would have returned them the minute I realised you were pregnant again, and gone and bought myself some tunic tops and cheap leggings from Primark.
She may have passed them on to someone else or even sold them though?

Original poster
CakeCrumbs88 · 08/02/2019 19:17

I gave ( loaned?) them to her as they were lovely clothes sitting unworn until/ if I got pregnant again and she is my friend so I was happy for her to borrow them.

I didn’t ask for them back straight away partly because I guessed if she was like me see’d still be in mat clothes for a few months post -birth, and partly because I didn’t want to tell people I was pregnant til after 12 weeks. To be honest I hadnt given it a lot of thought.

OP posts:
TaimaandRanyasBestFriend · 08/02/2019 19:19

You didn't loan them, you didn't tell her it was a loan.

Pinkbells · 08/02/2019 19:19

YABU, you gave them to her. She's going to think you're nuts, asking for them back while she is pregnant herself. Go shopping and synchronise your pregnancies better next time! :-)

Pinkbells · 08/02/2019 19:20

Hehe, wide birth, love it! Grin

Crystalintheeyes · 08/02/2019 19:20

You didn’t loan them though.

You gave them to her. They are hers now.

macmacaroon · 08/02/2019 19:22

I think she's cheeky . Tell her to buy her own pregnancy clothes. How dare she presume you'd gift her such expensive togs. I would always ask if friend wanted them back.

MotsDHeureGoussesRames · 08/02/2019 19:23

Not RTFT but if I was your friend, I would have immediately offered them back as soon as I knew you were pregnant. She's a CF. I couldn't stand by and watch a friend who'd helped me out during my last pregancy have to shell out all over again when I hadn't needed to even once. She's a CF for not offering. Why should you fork out twice to her zero?!

Igotthemheavyboobs · 08/02/2019 19:25

From reading this thread there seems to be an unwritten maternity clothes rule on this. I wouldn't have known this and chances are, they would have been chucked by now. My general rule is, if I give something to you it is yours. If I then need it again, toug. It is the same as if I had handed it to a charity shop. I couldn't imagine ever asking for something back unless I had literally said 'you can borrow this'.

Crunchymum · 08/02/2019 19:27

To all the posters who say it's a gift..... what would you do if someone asked you to return something you has assumed was gifted?

pictish · 08/02/2019 19:28

But you didn’t lend them to her...you gave them to her. That was your mistake. I appreciate you did it with good will and it was kind of you but you can’t now effectively tell her you’re coming round to get your clothes. They aren’t yours.

Amy326 · 08/02/2019 19:28

I completely agree with you OP! YANBU at all in my world! I lent maternity clothes to my SIL and I never specified that she needed to return them but of course she did once she was finished with them, even though she has no idea whether we’ll have another baby or not. Likewise I borrowed from her and returned, it’s just obvious to me that it’s a loan to save you forking out loads on maternity wear. Same situation when friends have given us their used baby clothes, I’ve assumed they might want them back unless they specify otherwise. Even if she misunderstood this then as soon as she found out you were pregnant again she should have offered them back, it’s just the decent thing to do. They are expensive clothes that YOU paid for - why should you have to buy all new again while she waltzes round in your clothes?! I’d send a carefully worded message in a bid to try and preserve the friendship but I’d definitely expect my clothes back. I’m shocked at the amount of people who think the other way!

Fififerry1 · 08/02/2019 19:28

I was always happy to borrow maternity clothes and happy to lend. Particularly if you have a professional job it seems such a waste to invest in lots things that you only wear for a short period so it was a good solution to share. It would never have occurred to me or my friends to keep the clothes, particularly if the other person was also pregnant. Perhaps your friend just doesn’t understand the etiquette of these things.

Igotthemheavyboobs · 08/02/2019 19:28

I think she's cheeky . Tell her to buy her own pregnancy clothes. How dare she presume you'd gift her such expensive togs. I would always ask if friend wanted them back

Tbh, I would probably have offered some money if a friend had given me a load of expensive clothes (actually I offer money if friends give me anything except a proper wrapped gift) which is maybe why I don't think she is BU. I am putting myself in the situation and answering on how I would react, which would be to make sure it was a gift and not a loan.

Flashinggreen · 08/02/2019 19:28

I think even if she thought she could keep them once asked for them you’d think she would give them back, not to expect you to buy more.

OrigamiZoo · 08/02/2019 19:30

Maternity clothes are like baby clothes, you pass them on when you don't need them and then if the loaner is pregnant herself, you check if they want them back. She certainly shouldn't have said she was taken aback, she should have just handed them over. Now she wants you to feel bad. Don't.

slcol · 08/02/2019 19:30

Why assume that the OP was unclear and the friend isn't just confused? Regardless, now the friend knows that the expensive clothes she has of the OP's are still wanted she should jump to give them back, even if she mutters about the misunderstanding internally.

To those saying is it worth risking the friendship, it clearly is to the friend. I would be seeing her in a very different light from now on

Igotthemheavyboobs · 08/02/2019 19:30

To all the posters who say it's a gift..... what would you do if someone asked you to return something you has assumed was gifted?

Panic I had misread the situation and give back or offer money because I am a total coward and will do anythung to avoid a confrontation or upset someone

trooth · 08/02/2019 19:31

Honestly, I think you are both being U.

You for wanting the clothes back when you previously hadn't stipulated they were a known (I am also not aware of this unwritten rule that maternity wear I'd always a loan) and sending such an abrupt message about picking them up.

And a little bit her after knowing you wanted them back and not giving them back.

Unfortunately the way you have gone about this has created a situation where one of you is going to end up resenting the other. If either of you stick to your guns (either you insist they should be returned/she insists they won't be returned) then one of you is going to look like they're acting like a dick.

Crunchymum · 08/02/2019 19:33

Surely most people, if asked, would just return? By all means be pissed off about it, but it would be incredibly cheeky to keep the clothes now you've been asked to return them? Shock