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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Asking friend to return maternity clothes

739 replies

CakeCrumbs88 · 08/02/2019 16:36

Last year a good friend of mine was pregnant with her first DC, so I gave her a load of maternity clothes; the good pieces e.g. Isabella Olivier trousers, Seraphine dresses, a lovely woollen maternity coat, rather than my washed out Primark leggings with holes.

I’m now pregnant with DC3, and she with DC2. During one WhatsApp chat I said “let me know when would be good for me to pop in and collect my pregnancy clothes, can’t believe how soon I need them with number three!”

She responded “um, pretty taken aback you’d ask me that. I’m pregnant too and you gave them to me”

I’m stunned. Surely I’m NOT unreasonable??

By way of comparison, a friend of mine gave me load of her baby’s clothes and toys when I had DC1 but when she was pregnant with her DC2 at the same time as me, I arranged to return her belongings, even though of course I could have made use of them. It didn’t occur to me not to!

FWIW, I intend to insist, but would rather get some views first to try to understand where she is coming from.

OP posts:
Shitonthebloodything · 08/02/2019 18:22

Mat clothes are always passed around in my circle then offered back to the original owner once they're finished with.

I find it outrageous that your friend has taken this attitude and expects you to pay for new clothes whilst she wears yours again! Don't get me wrong, if she took a different attitude and asked you if you didn't mind because she couldn't afford her own etc I'd understand more but she's just being rude!
Yadnbu!

MrsJane · 08/02/2019 18:23

My sil 'gave' me a load of maternity and baby clothes. I gave them back as soon as I didn't need them anymore, it wouldn't have occurred to me not to!

But your df clearly thought they were a gift unfortunately. You really should've stipulated they at the time. Saying that, although I understand her confusion, I'm shocked at her response!

slcol · 08/02/2019 18:24

She hasn't worn them out or chucked them, she says she needs them as she is pregnant. So she is staying she has more claim to them than the OP.

Omzlas · 08/02/2019 18:25

It depends on whether you gave them or lent them to your friend

That said, my friend gave me some of hers after her DC2 was born and specifically said that she wouldn't be needing them any more and for me to pass them on when my DC was born. Had she not been specific, I'd have asked if she wanted them back

YANBU but neither is she if you weren't specific. She is cheeky though if she didn't ask if you wanted them back.

TaimaandRanyasBestFriend · 08/02/2019 18:25

Specifying it's a loan gives a person a chance to decline.

pictish · 08/02/2019 18:25

I don’t think her response was rude. I would be taken aback by that request and feel annoyed by it too. Especially if I knew some had fallen by the wayside getting trashed, passed on or thrown out. I’d hate to be put in that position!

Merryoldgoat · 08/02/2019 18:25

What if your friend then put them up for sale on Ebay?
would that be ok...?...because, by the logic of a lot of posters on this thread, the clothes now belong to her, therefore she can do whatever she likes with them once her pregnancy is over?

My friend just had a baby - I gave her masses of stuff - clothes, blankets, toys etc. Made sure it was clean and good condition. I said to her it’s hers to do with as she pleases and if she wants to sell them she can.

If I GIVE someone something it’s no longer mine, they did me a favour taking it off my hands. If you don’t explicitly say you expect something back then I think it’s extremely unreasonable to expect it back.

MaisyPops · 08/02/2019 18:27

I would have assumed they were given. In my area people pass maternity and baby and children's things (including clothes, equipment, toys, cot beds etc) around and the expectation is they keep doing the rounds. but once they've been passed on there's no claim to them.

People might say 'oh I'm expecting DC2 I don't suppose you've still got that dress I passed to you, if you're done can I grab it back' but the idea of giving things out but it needs returning at some unspecified date (and could be ruined in the process) seems odd to me.

RicStar · 08/02/2019 18:27

I think if it was a loan op should have asked for them back shortly after her baby was born - as she didn't then of I was friend I would have assumed they were mine. That said if I had them left in a se24 ent condition I would have offered them back when you asked for them. I would guess they are lost / sold / she doesn't remember who gave her what.

MilkybarsROnMe · 08/02/2019 18:28

A couple of my friends lent me baby things (jumparoo, Moses basket, bottle steriliser, baby bath... etc) they said they were done and their families were complete and didn’t want them back. Even though both were adamant they didn’t want them back when we no longer needed them after our first child I asked them both if they wanted them back. We used them again for our second child. Had either couple announced they were pregnant again I’d have been asking if they needed their items back even if it clashed with our second.

I think the friend is being cheeky to expect to keep your items when you are having another and need that stuff back. I’d always see baby items and indeed maternity clothes as something that you pass back if they have another baby.

Barbarafromblackpool · 08/02/2019 18:28

She should have offered the clothes back to you after she had her first baby, not held on to them in case she needed them again.

This

TurquoiseDress · 08/02/2019 18:29

Well if you told them they could do as they please and sell them etc that's totally clear- you've given them away and made it crystal clear that you don't expect them back!

Mmmmbrekkie · 08/02/2019 18:30

I would assumed loan.
Washed and returned to them.

If I had assumed you’d given them to me but then you asked for them back I would have thought that I’d got wrong end of stick - and return them.

TurquoiseDress · 08/02/2019 18:30

For me, unless I was told explicitly to KEEP them or do what I like with them, I would be giving it all back.

It's presumptive to think otherwise (in my opinion)

pictish · 08/02/2019 18:31

It wasn’t a loan. That has been established. She says herself in her OP, “I gave her a load of maternity clothes.”
gave

So “let me know when it would be good to pop in and collect my maternity clothes” can do one. It’s unexpected and assumes authority over the clothes that were given away! Ye cannae do that!

AnotherPidgey · 08/02/2019 18:32

How far on are the pregnancies? Are the dates close together?

If I had been LENT clothes and knew there was a chance of the lender needing them again, no problem.

If I had been GIVEN clothes and it wasn't expected that the giver would need them again, then I would be taken aback to find myself in a position where I don't seem to own the clothes that I'm currently using anymore. Particularly if it's a later stage of pregnancy and I'm likely to get little wear out of new purchases to fill the gap.

My friend had DC1 shortly before my first pregnancy. I outgrew many of my maternity clothes and she passed on some of hers to fill the gap of the last couple of months as she was a larger size. We then had overlapping pregnancies with a 3m gap. I offered the clothes back, but due to seasons, she was happy for me to finish wearing them over the winter and they were too heavy for her final months. A few baby items shuffled backwards and forwards between us until we lost track of what was what. We remain great friends.

Tread carefully. Is it worth endangering a good friendship over some well used clothes that you both have use for?

fruitbrewhaha · 08/02/2019 18:32

If I were your friend, even if I thought you had finished having children and had given them to me for keeps, I would return them to you once I heard you were expecting.

I had a similar thing happen but with baby clothes. A friend gave me a bag for DD1, I kept them for my DD2, but then she fell pregnant again and had a DD soon after my DD2. I sorted all the clothes she had given me, plus some more as I had been given loads, and gave them back to her.

Your friend is cheeky.

Mmmmbrekkie · 08/02/2019 18:34

@pictish

I have just given my neighbour my house keys as I’m going away for the night.

The physical act of giving someone something does not automatically mean you are handing over rights.

In my case, clearly I want my home back.
In this case, clearly the over wants them back if she got pregnant again

TurquoiseDress · 08/02/2019 18:34

I really do not think OP was in the wrong not to ask for the clothes back the minute the baby was born

And the subsequent assumption that the clothes can now be 'claimed' as they giver has not yet asked for them back.

Well, in my book that is just totally grabby behaviour and lacking any courtesy whatsoever!

pictish · 08/02/2019 18:35

Not clearly, no. Sorry.

Betty777 · 08/02/2019 18:36

I thought anything pregnancy or young baby-related (e.g. expensive maternity clothes, baby equipment etc) was always to be given back to the original owner unless they specifically said it was a gift and they didn't want it back.

It wouldn't have occurred to me to clarify either way when i lent stuff, I would assume it would be offered back to me (as it has been, because my friends are apparently more polite than most of the people on here)

Lalliella · 08/02/2019 18:38

Any stuff people gave me when I was pregnant / had small children I would check with the original owner what they wanted me to do with them afterwards. I would never have refused to give them back if they wanted them. Your friend is a CF. Expecting you to buy new stuff when she has a load of freebies off you? YANBU and she IBVU.

Mmmmbrekkie · 08/02/2019 18:38

Just shows how differently view their relationships

A friend had been kind enough to pass on some lovely maternity clothes. Whether she gave or she lent - I wouldn’t give a fig. I used them, I benefited from them. And now I give back for my friend to enjoy.

dashitauntagatha · 08/02/2019 18:39

Another one absolutely astonished by replies - sometimes mumsnet is so pre-occupied with what is legally or technically correct as opposed to a little common decency and kindness. Your friend may feel a bit put out if she wasn't expecting it but to refuse to give them back is beyond rude! Are you supposed to buy a whole new wardrobe when you've spent all that money already?!

If I were the friend I'd have offered them back as soon as I'd found out you were pregnant - I wouldn't have thought about what the exact wording was when you gave them to me to decide whether it was a gift of a loan - who cares? You're my friend, you bought them, you were kind enough to lend to me but now you need them again so have them back...? I can't believe anyone wouldn't think that was fair and reasonable but clearly a lot of people on this thread don't - what a strange world we live in

ReanimatedSGB · 08/02/2019 18:39

There are clearly plenty of people who would rather refuse a loan of maternity clothes or baby stuff, because it's a hassle having to remember who lent it to you, and a hassle to feel you have to look after it. So given that OP clearly didn't specify that this stuff was a loan and not a gift, it's not at all surprising that the friend was surprised and not pleased to have OP suddenly demanding stuff back, out of the blue.