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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Asking friend to return maternity clothes

739 replies

CakeCrumbs88 · 08/02/2019 16:36

Last year a good friend of mine was pregnant with her first DC, so I gave her a load of maternity clothes; the good pieces e.g. Isabella Olivier trousers, Seraphine dresses, a lovely woollen maternity coat, rather than my washed out Primark leggings with holes.

I’m now pregnant with DC3, and she with DC2. During one WhatsApp chat I said “let me know when would be good for me to pop in and collect my pregnancy clothes, can’t believe how soon I need them with number three!”

She responded “um, pretty taken aback you’d ask me that. I’m pregnant too and you gave them to me”

I’m stunned. Surely I’m NOT unreasonable??

By way of comparison, a friend of mine gave me load of her baby’s clothes and toys when I had DC1 but when she was pregnant with her DC2 at the same time as me, I arranged to return her belongings, even though of course I could have made use of them. It didn’t occur to me not to!

FWIW, I intend to insist, but would rather get some views first to try to understand where she is coming from.

OP posts:
wireswireswires · 08/02/2019 18:00

Icky to share clothes?!

Ffs. This planet is drowning in bloody waste. A large part of that is the way so many people see things as short life or disposable.

Most of ds's clothes are hand me downs or from consignment stores (2nd hand).

Some of the more ethical and trendy brands are starting to do used clothing sales online and in stores (Patagonia being one.)

Cheetahssitonfajitas · 08/02/2019 18:01

I mean, no lawyer would argue your friend is not within her rights to keep them, but her letting you go and buy it all again is a cunts move. Anything else is just semantics.

TurquoiseDress · 08/02/2019 18:02

@SaturdayNext

I think people are over-fixating on the gift/loan thing. Even if OP gave the clothes to her friend, a good friend would recognise her generosity by giving them back once OP was pregnant again. Plus, in the nature of things, maternity clothes are not clothes you expect to wear on a long term basis

Absolutely agree with the above

It's the generosity bit, between friends- you were doing your friend a favour lending/giving her the clothes. She should absolutely not be hanging onto them now!

RoseReally · 08/02/2019 18:04

I would have offered to return them as soon as I found out you were pregnant. I'm surprised that's not the common view!

Agree with this. If a friend had given me maternity clothes and a year or two later she was pregnant, I would return them back without a second thought.

MrsTWH · 08/02/2019 18:05

Maternity clothes have no use if you’re not pregnant. They’re also pricey. I have lent maternity clothes to friends previously in between pregnancies and vice versa but unless they’re worn out, we handed them back after the babies were born for the next round of pregnancies!

Over all, YANBU - you bought them, you’re pregnant, you’re within your rights to ask if she could hand them back to you. It’s not like a normal “gift”. However, I also think YABU not to have made it clear it was a loan at the start or not to have asked for them back when her first baby was born. You’ve left it quite some time now! Your friend should either give them straight back to you or come clean about having passed them on to someone else, etc.

fashiondevotee · 08/02/2019 18:05

I think you were too vague, OP. It's unfortunate, but you'll probably have to buy some new stuff and count this one as a lesson learned.

That said, if I was your friend, I'd probably give some (if not all) back out of good will.

pictish · 08/02/2019 18:06

You can’t insist. Fgs...you gave them away! Don’t be a dick.

KarmaStar · 08/02/2019 18:07

She should offer to return them.have you seen them op since you gave them to her?perhaps they are not in pristine condition any more and she is embarrassed to tell you?
But in all fairness,she should be agreeable to discussion and open to returning the majority if not all of your clothes.

username79999 · 08/02/2019 18:08

You gave her them , if you said here have these but if I get pregnant again I would like them back . The fact you gave them to someone and didn't say it was a loan then yabu .
So you could ask for them back but if she refuses then not a lot you can do .

marvellousnightforamooncup · 08/02/2019 18:09

What Pictish said!

You were vague. She's probably passed them on, worn them out or chucked them.

anotherwearytraveller · 08/02/2019 18:09

Wow she’s a CF!

I’d be straight and say sorry if you misunderstood, I lent you those whilst I wasn’t pregnant and you were. I really would appreciate them back but if you don’t want to return them then I guess there isn’t much I can do but I won’t Say I’m not a bit upset.

PolarBearDisguisedAsAPenguin · 08/02/2019 18:10

Plus, in the nature of things, maternity clothes are not clothes you expect to wear on a long term basis.

Lots of maternity clothes are also nursing clothes though so could potentially have several years of use for one baby. Also, people typically have a smaller maternity/nursing wardrobe than they do for regular clothes so they get more use.

These clothes have already been worn by OP for at least two pregnancies and now her friend is on her second pregnancy, so they might well be quite ragged now regardless of the brand.

SubparOwl · 08/02/2019 18:10

I do think YABU and I'd have been taken aback by your request (probably because I'd have destroyed the clothes by washing poorly as I always do), but I think it was a bit rude of her to say 'well I'm pregnant too'.

ReanimatedSGB · 08/02/2019 18:12

If you wanted them back, you should have asked for them once she'd given birth the first time. You gave them to her; she's quite possibly passed some on, eBayed some etc. Suck it up and be clearer next time whether you are giving or loaning things.

TurquoiseDress · 08/02/2019 18:15

To add another twist, people are saying that maternity clothes generally have a limited amount of use (although some of the nicer brand stuff can be used extensively post part etc.

What if your friend then put them up for sale on Ebay?
would that be ok...?...because, by the logic of a lot of posters on this thread, the clothes now belong to her, therefore she can do whatever she likes with them once her pregnancy is over?

I am astounded at the grabbiness of people and seeming lack of shame- OP is talking about a friend of hers...I for one would now be classifying this one as an ex-friend!

Apparentlychilled · 08/02/2019 18:15

Unless you had said you weren't planning any more babies, I would have assumed you were just lending them, esp as they're not cheap brands we're talking about. Surely it occurred to her when you got pregnant again that you'd want the clothes which you had paid for?!

Apparentlychilled · 08/02/2019 18:16

Sorry, forgot to say YANBU in any way!

OneStepSideways · 08/02/2019 18:16

I think your message asking for them back was quite rude and presumptive. You want to collect the clothes she's wearing, even though you gave them to her with no mention of wanting them back. You could have asked for them back after her first pregnancy ended but you didn't. Now she needs them again, and you need them again at the same time.

She's probably attached to the clothes now, and they will have mounded to her shape. Maybe they're a bit tatty/worn/faded and she's embarrassed to return them.

In this situation I would just buy some new ones.

mcmooberry · 08/02/2019 18:18

I don't think YABU at all! Surely when she knew you were pregnant she should have realised you would want them back? Maybe disappointing for her that she wouldn't get to wear them a 2nd time round but she must surely have expected you to ask. I would text her back as per a PP that you can't be expected to buy duplicates of stuff you had loaned her. In her situation I would definitely have checked whether you wanted them back as soon as I had had my first baby, your mistake maybe is waiting so long. Good luck!

Chickenwing · 08/02/2019 18:18

I think YABU to ask for them back. Unless specified as a loan it's a gift and I'd be mortified for someone to ask me for a gift back (What if they haven't been cared for, or she's passed them on, etc.)

I do however think her reaction wasn't cool either, she should have said I'm really sorry I thought this was a gift and returned them. Consider that she may no longer have the clothes or they might not be in the same condition so she could be embarrassed to give them back.

TurquoiseDress · 08/02/2019 18:18

I wore loads of maternity stuff post partum, I even have a maternity coat that I am still wearing now as it is so warm & lovely!

TheFaerieQueene · 08/02/2019 18:19

Whatever the rights or wrongs of this, I think you have lost a friend.

AliceRR · 08/02/2019 18:20

What did you reply on the WhatsApp chat OP?

ReanimatedSGB · 08/02/2019 18:21

You can't insist. She'll tell you to piss off. Is it really worth losing a friend over?

pictish · 08/02/2019 18:22

“You were vague. She's probably passed them on, worn them out or chucked them.”

This. Unless it’s specified as a loan (in which case, I’d thank but politely refuse) I’m not expecting to have to return them so they may well be done for or passed on. I’d be cringing at a request to have them back. I never borrow anything...I can’t be doing with having to be careful with other people’s stuff.