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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Asking friend to return maternity clothes

739 replies

CakeCrumbs88 · 08/02/2019 16:36

Last year a good friend of mine was pregnant with her first DC, so I gave her a load of maternity clothes; the good pieces e.g. Isabella Olivier trousers, Seraphine dresses, a lovely woollen maternity coat, rather than my washed out Primark leggings with holes.

I’m now pregnant with DC3, and she with DC2. During one WhatsApp chat I said “let me know when would be good for me to pop in and collect my pregnancy clothes, can’t believe how soon I need them with number three!”

She responded “um, pretty taken aback you’d ask me that. I’m pregnant too and you gave them to me”

I’m stunned. Surely I’m NOT unreasonable??

By way of comparison, a friend of mine gave me load of her baby’s clothes and toys when I had DC1 but when she was pregnant with her DC2 at the same time as me, I arranged to return her belongings, even though of course I could have made use of them. It didn’t occur to me not to!

FWIW, I intend to insist, but would rather get some views first to try to understand where she is coming from.

OP posts:

slcol · 09/02/2019 14:23

Very fair response

Bellatrix14 · 09/02/2019 14:32

In your friend’s position I would have asked you after I had given birth to baby no. 1 “Did you want these maternity clothes back or were they to keep, because we’d like to try for no.2 in a year or so?” or something along those lines. But then again, if I had been lent maternity clothes and the person who lent them didn’t ask for them back within 6 months or so of me giving birth then I’d assume they were mine to keep. Surely if you’d just intended them as a loan you should have asked for them back once she didn’t need them any more, not once you did need them?

I do have sympathy for you, but you say in your opening post that you gave them to her. I think if you push this it might cause issues in your friendship

turncloak · 09/02/2019 14:43

Haven't RTFT but I'm very suprised by the posters saying that your friend should get to keep the clothes. My friends and I have always 'passed down' baby equipment amongst ourselves (think Jumperoo's, walkers, bouncy chairs) and as soon as our children have outgrown them we give them right back to the original owner, unless they've said specifically not to. It's bloody rude to assume otherwise.

ReanimatedSGB · 09/02/2019 14:49

Maybe this is a wierd-shit-mundanes-do thing, just assuming that a person who has had one baby will keep on having them and therefore it should be understood that they will want everything 'back'. I would have thought that a lot of people give away maternity clothes because they are either not having any more DC or not having any more for ages - or don't know one way or the other. So clothes are definiatly not always loaned. Again, if you are loaning stuff but know you want to have another baby, you need to make this clear.

PCohle · 09/02/2019 14:50

OP has explained why she hadn't asked for them back earlier "I didn’t ask for them back straight away partly because I guessed if she was like me see’d still be in mat clothes for a few months post -birth, and partly because I didn’t want to tell people I was pregnant til after 12 weeks."

Those seem like pretty good reasons to me to be honest.

Aridane · 09/02/2019 15:08

Borrowing a ladder / wheelbarrow is somewhat different to being given some second hand clothes!

bigandbumpy · 09/02/2019 15:10

Why would your give your clothes to someone expecting them back? Also why would you want them if she's been wearing them? Don't be so tight and pathetic and buy some more!

PCohle · 09/02/2019 15:17

OP should shell out twice for mat clothes whilst her friend pays nothing (all because of OP's generosity) and it's the OP who is being tight?

Ceebs85 · 09/02/2019 15:47

I was given some maternity clothes by a friend but when she got pregnant again I offered them back to her because that just seemed like the right thing to do. It different to giving her normal clothes I think. It would be weird to ask for normal clothes back for no reason but maternity clothes are expensive and only worn for a short time

Tavannach · 09/02/2019 15:47

Why would your give your clothes to someone expecting them back?

She didn't, they were maternity clothes or worn for a specific event that lasts a specific time.

Wholovesorangesoda · 09/02/2019 17:39

I see both sides too. I was passed on maternity clothes when I had dd and once I was no longer pregnant I asked if the owner wanted them back. Having said that, if I hadn't done that and she also hadn't asked for them back once I was no longer pregnant, I would assume they were a gift and not a loan. It kind of sounds as though you probably thought you were done having kids so gave them away, but now you're not done you want them back. Either way, I'd have been surprised if you asked for them back, but if it had been me I would have offered to return them since you paid for them and now need them!

moreginrequired · 09/02/2019 17:54

Amazed at the responses on here today. Of course she should hand them back. Maternity wear to us (two separate circles of friends) has always been something that is given when in need and returned afterwards. Perhaps as we are still having children, that seems obvious, but also a way to help each other’s out. Mat clothes are super expensive (as cost per wear) so of course you would want them back in another pregnancy. What sort of friend though wouldn’t return them?

NicolaC17 · 09/02/2019 17:55

I am with you on this one @cakecrumbs88. My friend passed some clothes to me when I was pregnant and I automatically assumed she would have them back, she has them now I’ve had my baby as she’s pregnant. Also a friend passes me her LG clothes as she’s 6 months older than my little girl. I always bag them up and return them to her after (minus a few that are ruined) which I explain to her and she’s absolutely fine. I think it’s cheeky to presume they are now here’s. Seraphine clothes etc are not cheap.

Stormy76 · 09/02/2019 17:58

Yanbu I do t understand why your friend didn’t ask you when you wanted them back ? Maternity clothes are expensive and those ones sound pricey so I would have been worried about damaging them. It’s very common for people to borrow maternity clothes and also very common for them to be return3d to their owner. Especially if the owner is pregnant! Why should she have to go out and replace all of that while someone else swans around in her expensive clothing. Maternity clothes are always a temporary lend, I always returned them

itsabongthing · 09/02/2019 18:03

If it was her I would have clarified with you at the time what the deal was.

It probably wasn’t a great idea to pass them to her if you weren’t done having babies.

I passed on loads of baby stuff because I thought I was done after dc2 then had a surprise dc3. There were some specific bits I wished I still had so I asked the person who i’d passed them to if she still had them but said not to worry if not as I had given them to her thinking I was done with them.

I would message apologising that it wasn’t clear/there was a misunderstanding but if she still has them if you could have them back to use again yourself.

Cornettoninja · 09/02/2019 18:13

I’m surprised so many are treating maternity clothes like normal clothes. They’re designed for a specific temporary shape.

The friend has now made the situation really awkward. So they’re going to see each other whilst pregnant and she’ll be wearing nice clothes that the op bought? It’s odd.

The fact they are good quality clothes makes it worse. The op could probably make some decent money back reselling them if she wanted to, that alone means the friend should have always had the intention to offer them back when she’d had her baby.

There is literally no reason why the op should have to pay out more money whilst

BessMarvin · 09/02/2019 18:18

*bigandbumpy

Why would your give your clothes to someone expecting them back? Also why would you want them if she's been wearing them? Don't be so tight and pathetic and buy some more!*

Why wouldn't she want to wear the clothes after her friend has?
And it is not being tight to not want to pay for maternity clothes twice. Could be applied to someone not wanting to pay for any at all though.

BessMarvin · 09/02/2019 18:19

Argh preview wouldn't work and bold didn't work. Hopefully it's obvious.

ToftyAC · 09/02/2019 18:21

If you handed them over and were not explicit that they were on loan then your friend can only have assumed they were being gifted. In those circumstances you are being incredibly unreasonable and an utter Indian giver.

musketeersmama · 09/02/2019 18:32

I’m astonished at these responses! Of course you should get your clothes back. Pregnancy clothes are totally different to regular clothes. I think your friend is a CF

wildbhoysmama · 09/02/2019 18:34

I can't stand gifted - it is not an adverb! It's everywhere these days. Being given as a gift, not gifted. Sorry for derail and inappropriate rant.

LaraLondon1 · 09/02/2019 18:41

If I was offered clothes I wouldn’t be expecting to return them tbh . You should have asked for them back before now .

However given you have asked for them back , I’m a bit surprised at her reply. Tread lightly tho as it’s not worth ruining ur friendship .

whitechocolatespaceegg · 09/02/2019 18:42

If I give clothes to people I don't expect them back! I would specifically say if I did. A similar thing happened to me. A friend sent me a load of maternity and baby clothes. Some of the baby clothes were ones I'd sent which was a lovely surprise. It caused me to realise to ask if she wanted any of them back, which she did so lucky I asked!

Deadpoet · 09/02/2019 18:55

I lent my sister my maternity clothes ( good quality well made etc) when I asked for them back I found out she’d sold them!!! I gave her a John Lennon high chair and a couple of new baby gates. I asked to borrow them back as she didn’t need them and was told how much she wanted for them!!
My lovely friend lent me her maternity clothes and they went straight back as soon as I didn’t need them again.

If you lent them then she should return them regardless whether she’s pregnant or not. If you gave them I’m afraid, as much as it’s annoying, you’ll need to get some new bits.

TheScottishPlay · 09/02/2019 18:59

I would have offered to return them too.

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