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AIBU?

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Original poster

Asking friend to return maternity clothes

739 replies

CakeCrumbs88 · 08/02/2019 16:36

Last year a good friend of mine was pregnant with her first DC, so I gave her a load of maternity clothes; the good pieces e.g. Isabella Olivier trousers, Seraphine dresses, a lovely woollen maternity coat, rather than my washed out Primark leggings with holes.

I’m now pregnant with DC3, and she with DC2. During one WhatsApp chat I said “let me know when would be good for me to pop in and collect my pregnancy clothes, can’t believe how soon I need them with number three!”

She responded “um, pretty taken aback you’d ask me that. I’m pregnant too and you gave them to me”

I’m stunned. Surely I’m NOT unreasonable??

By way of comparison, a friend of mine gave me load of her baby’s clothes and toys when I had DC1 but when she was pregnant with her DC2 at the same time as me, I arranged to return her belongings, even though of course I could have made use of them. It didn’t occur to me not to!

FWIW, I intend to insist, but would rather get some views first to try to understand where she is coming from.

OP posts:
Butchyrestingface · 09/02/2019 12:51

but that they were only ever intended for loan and I’m not in a position to repurchase and I hope she understands.

I suspect this will not go well. Confused

mcmooberry · 09/02/2019 12:54

@cakecrumble88 good response I think. I hope you take comfort from the posters who feel the only unreasonable person here is your friend. In my circle it wouldn't have needed spelling out at the start as it would have been so obvious that it was a loan and even if you didn't use them again you might have wanted to lend them to someone else or sell them. It beggars belief that she would expect you to buy more clothes while she wears yours! Good luck!! x

wildbhoysmama · 09/02/2019 12:54

Spot on motherlondon a PP earlier expressed that if I suggested the use of an expensive occasion item they would presume they should keep it unless I specifically said I needed it back. The mind boggles.

wildbhoysmama · 09/02/2019 12:55

mcmooberry exactly

Iused2BanOptimist · 09/02/2019 12:57

OP I haven't read the whole 21 pages but it seems clear there is a divide between the pass down/lenders and those who don't really get the concept.
I take a perverse delight in wearing things til they are practically falling apart even though I also love the occasional new and smart item.
Pregnant with DD1 born in Feb I spent the winter wearing a baggy sweatshirt and some maternity trousers a friend passed on to me. I think I was about the tenth person to have use of them.
Pregnant with DD2 born September I bought a lovely floaty lilac wrap skirt and tunic top from Blooming Marvellous and visualised myself floating around all summer. It pissed with rain all summer and I wore the old maternity trousers again most of the time.
Later I sold the outfit in a second hand maternity/baby wear shop. It cost £88, she sold it for £18 and I got £9.
I really wished I had given it to a friend who would have appreciated the gift.
I also had a very cheap stretchy black tunic. DD1 dug it out of my wardrobe and still wears it! I never told her it was a pregnancy dress. Wink
I am shocked your friend didn't instantly return the clothes either at the end of her pregnancy or when she heard you were pregnant again.

WellBHouse · 09/02/2019 12:58

OP, I’m completely on your side. Even if you didn’t state loan in big flashy letters, if at a later date you said you were pregnant again and wanted them back, I couldn’t keep them and wear them knowing you were out of pocket!
If I kept them I would assume it would be friendship over for the sake of spending my own money. I hope you get them back and friend had to buy her own clothes this time.

motherlondon · 09/02/2019 13:04

It's like borrowing something that everyone knows is only for a temporary timeframe - in the same vein as lending a dinosaur cake tin or a tent to someone who only goes camping once every ten years, if you don't realise it's a loan and coming from a place of generosity, then you are either thick, disingenuous or greedy,

Iused2BanOptimist · 09/02/2019 13:07

Re pass downs:

When DD2 was small she was looking particularly sweet one day in various flower sprigged top and trousers from Boden, and (unusually for me) matching hair ribbons and new shoes. A couple came up to me in the bookshop and said "what gorgeous clothes your DD is wearing, are they Cath Kidston?" This was about 16 years ago and I'd never heard of CK so I said "No, they're Boden actually ".
They said (rising panic in voice) "Boden??? I haven't seen them in the catalogue!"
Me "Well, they're pass downs actually "
Them " pppppass downs???? Oh well, never mind, she looks very sweet"

Not sure who was more shocked - me or them! Hmm

GreenTulips · 09/02/2019 13:09

lljkk

Why would you sell something that was given to you for nothing - height of rudeness

teaandgingercake · 09/02/2019 13:15

Maternity clothes are rather cots and nursery equipment. They tend to get passed around amongst family and friends. To not give back when needed by the giver seems odd. It's totally different from other stuff you give away.

MakeItRain · 09/02/2019 13:16

I haven't read all the thread, but a fair bit. I agree with your view OP. If I were the friend in this situation it wouldn't occur to me to keep all the expensive maternity clothes for myself and expect my friend to shell out for another maternity wardrobe. I can't begin to imagine who on earth would think that's ok! I get she might be disappointed but not to the extent she'd make you spend another few hundred while she keeps the lot for herself.

teaandgingercake · 09/02/2019 13:16

rather like*

Jaynesworld · 09/02/2019 13:19

As you didnt specify it was a loan, she probably believes they were a gift.

However, she should give them back as she got a free wardrobe for her first child and it would not be fair for you to shell out twice.
She should put her hands in her pocket if she wants nice maternity clothes.

Butchyrestingface · 09/02/2019 13:22

Why would you sell something that was given to you for nothing - height of rudeness

Are you serious?

3luckystars · 09/02/2019 13:22

Maternity clothes are always loaned.

(Unless the person says 'dont ever give them back ever ever ever')

Wearywithteens · 09/02/2019 13:29

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

NoFucksImAQueen · 09/02/2019 13:30

no good deed goes unpunished eh. I can't believe people are expecting you to pay out for a maternity wardrobe twice so that your friend doesn't have to pay out at all 🙄

ReanimatedSGB · 09/02/2019 13:37

There's also the other way of dealing with passing on of maternity and babywear when people don't make it clear: A gives B some maternity wear; B wears it (or not) and then C is pregnant so B passes on the maternity wear - if A then announces another pregnancy and demands the stuff back, it gets awkward because C is using it...

The lesson here, OP, is be clear whether something is a gift or a loan. Don't make assumptions, particularly assumptions that your preferred way of doing things is either universal or correct.

LoniceraJaponica · 09/02/2019 13:50

"The lesson here, OP, is be clear whether something is a gift or a loan. Don't make assumptions, particularly assumptions that your preferred way of doing things is either universal or correct."

This ^^

GabsAlot · 09/02/2019 13:56

you can ask kindly i woujld also thik it weird that u gave me some clothes a year ago and now want them back-why didnt u ask for them earlier

if u hadnt conceived till a later time would u still be asking for them back in 2-3 years time?

RosieEffect · 09/02/2019 14:04

Why would you sell something that was given to you for nothing - height of rudeness

This. How rude to think you should benefit monetarily from a friend's generosity. You should either return the items when you're finished, pass on to someone else or if your friend insists they do t want it back then once you've sold them split the profit.

Iused2BanOptimist · 09/02/2019 14:09

I'm with Motherlondon

SnuggyBuggy · 09/02/2019 14:13

Selling something given to you for free is a bit grabby but I agree, person B may pass them to person C before person A gets pregnant.

SinkGirl · 09/02/2019 14:16

Haven’t read everything but shocked by the responses! I’ve given loads of maternity and baby stuff to friends - when they’re done with it they always ask if I want it back or if they should pass it on. I think she’s incredibly rude!

TaimaandRanyasBestFriend · 09/02/2019 14:20

Maternity clothes are always loaned.

Nothing is 'always loaned' unless the owner says, 'This is a loan'.

Why would you sell something that was given to you for nothing - height of rudeness

Because it belongs to you. A gift is just that. A gift with strings attached isn't a gift.