Asking friend to return maternity clothes

[CakeCrumbs88]

Last year a good friend of mine was pregnant with her first DC, so I gave her a load of maternity clothes; the good pieces e.g. Isabella Olivier trousers, Seraphine dresses, a lovely woollen maternity coat, rather than my washed out Primark leggings with holes.

I’m now pregnant with DC3, and she with DC2. During one WhatsApp chat I said “let me know when would be good for me to pop in and collect my pregnancy clothes, can’t believe how soon I need them with number three!”

She responded “um, pretty taken aback you’d ask me that. I’m pregnant too and you gave them to me”

I’m stunned. Surely I’m NOT unreasonable??

By way of comparison, a friend of mine gave me load of her baby’s clothes and toys when I had DC1 but when she was pregnant with her DC2 at the same time as me, I arranged to return her belongings, even though of course I could have made use of them. It didn’t occur to me not to!

FWIW, I intend to insist, but would rather get some views first to try to understand where she is coming from.

My friend gave me a huge bag of nice pregnancy clothes when I was pregnant and it just made sense to give them back after. She gave them to me but I knew it was for my pregnancy which is temporary.
I think she should give them back🤷🏻‍♀️

@CakeCrumbs88 good luck. I think your message sounds reasonable and is pretty much what I would say in this situation.
Just make sure it is something you are willing to lose the friendship over though incase it escalates.

That’s why I think asking for them back is weird as well...I wouldn’t want them back after being worn by someone else. Their secretions, their body shape, their wear and tear. They’re welcome to keep them.

As much as I am a ‘make do and mend’ type with loads of second hand items in my home, I have never been one for second hand clothing. The idea makes me feel a wee bit queasy.

I'm surprised that she didn't offer them back when you said you were pregnant! Can't imagine any of my friends doing that.

Also I wore my maternity clothes for a few months after birth, I actually gave birth in one of the dresses as DS popped out so quick there was no time to change. They got sick, poo, wee and milk on them. I would have felt uncomfortable about that in loaned clothes and pretty awkward to be asked to return the clothes if it hadn't previously been made clear they were a loan. In my circles the presumption is maternity and baby stuff is given not loaned unless otherwise stated.

I would never borrow clothes from a friend - I would find it too stressful.

But if I had received clothes from a friend who found herself in need of them at the same time as me I wouldn't dream of keeping them.

Likewise if I had passed them on and my friend was now using them I wouldn't be able to ask for them back.

Oh and thanks for this thread. I’m not actually all that invested in maternity wear or hand me downs...I’ve got some major shit going on at home atm and this nonsense is providing me with a distraction while I gain perspective. Mumsnet can be good for that.

Yes, 21 pages, I had no idea it was such a polarising issue!

Moral conundrums always create a lot of noise on MN.

I don’t understand why you would ‘lend’ your maternity clothes out anyway if you were planning another pregnancy. Surely there’s the risk of them getting stretched/stained/damaged by the other person?

To be nice. To help your friend out. That’s why the friend is a dick for insisting on keeping them.

Good luck with it all. Definitely remember to be clear in future and ask yourself if you are lent things. As you can see people have different opinions and things are done differently in friendship groups.

Im very working class, always ask if someone wants it back as i get too worried about staining or breaking things that are loaned. I once lent (made it very clear once they were finished i would need it back as we were ttc and it was an expensive gift of ours) a swing to friends and their new friend kept asking for it once they were done. They are pretty passive so made comments looking like they'd lend it out and i put my foot down and took it straight back once they were done. So best to be crystal clear though sometimes even then its hard!

But how is it astonishing OP if those things are given without any mention of it being a temporary loan? Don't give things away if you actually want to keep them!

Maybe you wouldn't wear your posh Seraphina / Isabella / WORK COAT during the first couple of months with a newborn ... At least if you'd paid for them yourself ...

She didn't give them away snoutshe planned to loan them, she has now said she'll be more careful in future! You're not getting it!

OP I think your message is spot on. Ignore all those saying they would baulk at 2nd hand mat clothes- it's standard practise and makes total financial and environmental sense. Obviously if something gets stained or stretched that's fine, I think that the person loaning mat clothes knows that. There were so many clothes in our bag eventually that they were only lightly worn each time. I'd rather have lots of nice things to wear, borrowed, than a few items worn constantly (woman at work wore same trousers and 2 different tops for 7 months, not my idea of enjoying pregnancy).

But how can her friend have been expected to know they were a loan when the OP never told her? By her own account she just gave them to her! Her friend isn't psychic!

@CakeCrumbs88 don't mull it over for too long. If I was your friend I would have returned them already.

Maybe you could share ‍🤷🏻‍♀️

You didn’t specifically say she could only ‘borrow’ them, so this is down to you really. You both made an assumption, but they belonged to you, so you were the one who should have made it clear you were only lending them to her.

Being on MN certainly opened my eyes to what other people assume and think is obvious and normal.

CakeCrumbs88, I suspect your poor friend will be more careful about accepting gifts from friends in the future, which is also quite a shame...

Yes snout I see your point, but it seems a very polarizing issue, where on one camp it is known in circles of friends that these things are loaned, but in the other camp it is known that if you give it away, you have given it and it now has a new owner. We l get that now. I'm sure it has come as much of a surprise to you that the other camp existed as it did to me. We learn new things every day on MN, which is why we're here, I suppose.

The OP ( and me and, maybe, you) will make things clearer in future/ understand another point of view.

I, for one, now understand why people in the past ( looking at you ex mil) would not offer a drink/ cuppa when people visited, or would look at me strangely when I brought cake to visit ( which then sat unopened) , or didn't buy us a wedding card/ present or birthday card/ present but then would randomly offer to buy pricey things like tumble dryer/ dish washer/ waterproofs for the kids. We're clearly all brought up differently.

I don't think it's a shame that you'll have to reconsider "giving" in future OP.

I think it's a good thing. I think you've embarrassed yourself here and I'm glad lots of people agree with me on here as I really don't think we're the odd ones

What I find most interesting on this thread is the people who say categorically 'Everyone knows maternity clothes are different and are only lent, not given' as if that statement could ever be true.

For myself

• as the giver I would never have asked for the clothes back - this seems spectacularly rude
• as the friend, I would most likely have offered them back as soon as I knew you were pregnant

"Here's my clutter, you may as well store it for me instead" is kind of how I feel about “ I’m not wearing these at the moment, so here you go” property movements.

For those who think OP was reasonable & her friend was cheeky... what if friend had damaged or merely lost the items? Would friend be obliged to provide OP with replacements?

I think if you lend something there is of course an understanding that wear and tear happens.

The friend hasn't said that the clothes are ruined or indeed that she's disposed of them on the assumption that they were hers. She just selfishly wants to keep them, knowing full well the OP needs them back.

The OP did a nice thing for her and in return she expects the OP to go out and buy a whole second maternity wardrobe whilst she swans around in OP's clothes. Bizarre.

I think your message is spot on OP. If I was her and genuinely thought you had finished with them, I would still give them back if you asked, even if it was a bit of a nasty shock. As I said earlier, neither of you is being completely unreasonable. Your communication could have been clearer perhaps, she is being a bit of a CF not wanting to give them back now you've asked.

I would never assume that expensive maternity clothes were anything but lent.
When I have lent things, the borrowers have always at the end of their pregnancy asked if it's ok to pass them to another pregnant person or if I want them back. I am the same.

And expensive pieces borrowed for evenings etc, I would get cleaned and return pronto.

Cheeky as hell to keep, especially after you asked for them back.

That sounds more like you gave them to her and I think it's really bad manners to ask for them back whilst she still needs them.