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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Asking friend to return maternity clothes

739 replies

CakeCrumbs88 · 08/02/2019 16:36

Last year a good friend of mine was pregnant with her first DC, so I gave her a load of maternity clothes; the good pieces e.g. Isabella Olivier trousers, Seraphine dresses, a lovely woollen maternity coat, rather than my washed out Primark leggings with holes.

I’m now pregnant with DC3, and she with DC2. During one WhatsApp chat I said “let me know when would be good for me to pop in and collect my pregnancy clothes, can’t believe how soon I need them with number three!”

She responded “um, pretty taken aback you’d ask me that. I’m pregnant too and you gave them to me”

I’m stunned. Surely I’m NOT unreasonable??

By way of comparison, a friend of mine gave me load of her baby’s clothes and toys when I had DC1 but when she was pregnant with her DC2 at the same time as me, I arranged to return her belongings, even though of course I could have made use of them. It didn’t occur to me not to!

FWIW, I intend to insist, but would rather get some views first to try to understand where she is coming from.

OP posts:
onemouseplace · 09/02/2019 10:44

I don't think the OP is being unreasonable - the timings are unfortunate, but in my circle maternity/ baby things are always considered a loan unless you make abundantly clear that you don't want them back.

If I was the person who was on the receiving end I would never have said what the OP's friend did, I would have had an internal grumble that I was now going to have to replace them, but never said that openly.

TurquoiseDress · 09/02/2019 10:45

Snout

ok we are clearly not living on the same planet over this one!

lljkk · 09/02/2019 10:46

This happened to me in a small way, once. Lady who loved designer clothing handed me a pair of toddler (high brand) trainers. I had no impression she would ever want them back. After 18m, DS wore them a little & I sold them on Ebay (so shoot me) for about £3 profit.

2 weeks later she asked for them back!! Because her friend was expecting a little boy. She was well miffed when I said I made £3 on them ("But they cost £32 new!" she said). We're still on friendly terms. I wouldn't accept anything from her now, though. This whole thread makes me wary of accepting cast-off clothing. I hand you something I never need to see it again.

Montsti · 09/02/2019 10:47

I think it’s irrelevant what you said when you gave them to her. If she still has them then she needs to give them back. I can’t believe she didn’t offer...YANBU

Cornettoninja · 09/02/2019 10:51

I don’t understand the friends presumption that she would have these clothes indefinitely. Was she planning to give them back after the 2nd pregnancy or was she going to pass them on/sell them?

It’s just weird to me. Personally if I still had them at the point someone felt they had to ask for them back I would hand them over with thanks for the use I had gotten out of them. No way would I expect someone to buy twice because I wanted a freebie.

TurquoiseDress · 09/02/2019 10:54

Wow I bet the OP was not expecting 21 pages of responses on this matter when she posted barely 18 hours ago! Grin

snoutandab0ut · 09/02/2019 10:59

Perhaps it’s a specific thing about maternity wear - nobody in my circle is pregnant or has children so this specific issue has never come up. However, fairly regularly my flatmate and I will go through our clothes and clear out stuff we don’t wear anymore, and one of us might say ‘I don’t wear/need this, do you want it?’ In my mind that is exactly the same as giving it to charity. Another friend also comes round with a bag of clothes she doesn’t wear anymore, we pick out what we want, and ownership is transferred.

However if one of us had a specific occasion to go to and the other said ‘I have a great outfit you can borrow for the night’, that’s completely different.

But if it was an item I had no use for and had passed to someone else, like I said earlier I’d actually find it quite odd if they then tried to give it back to me! If I wanted to lend things out on a temporary basis I would always feel the onus is on me to specify that. Just passing things onto a friend because you don’t need them implies a donation - the same as giving to charity.

I have already said earlier if I was the OP’s friend I would have given the stuff back, albeit while feeling a bit bemused

Guineapiglet345 · 09/02/2019 10:59

I can see why the friend wouldn’t want to give them back, had she known they were a loan she may have refused them and bought her own maternity clothes in designs that she wanted, and got 2 pregnancies out of them. If she gives the clothes back now she’s got to buy fork out for new maternity clothes that will only be worn for half a pregnancy.

She may have thought the 2nd hand clothes weren’t ideal but as it was saving her money accepted them. Now she’s got to pay out the same amount of money for new clothes but only get to wear them for half the time, so now she’s in a worse position than if she’d never accepted the 2nd hand clothes in the first place. So yes, if I were her I would be annoyed.

In my circle of friends if something is given away then that means the giver doesn’t want it anymore and common sense tells you never to give away something that you might want back as you’re not guaranteed to get it back or if you do it might not be in the same condition you gave it away in.

GooodMythicalMorning · 09/02/2019 10:59

Wow. You gave them away! you can't suddenly ask for it back. Ive given something away I wished I hadn't but its gone now. I've gotten over it. Once you give something to someone it's theirs to do with as they wish. I make a note to never loan, If its something you wish to see it again do not let it out of your possession. So yes YABU.

teaandgingercake · 09/02/2019 11:04

I think, regardless of whether she thought they were a gift or a loan she should return them. Even if you'd mistakenly said (without thinking) she could have them, the right thing to do on her part would be to return them. Surely she'd feel embarrassed wearing your designer clothes in front of you whilst you're both pregnant. If I was her I'd return them, regardless of whether I thought they were a gift or not.

Wearywithteens · 09/02/2019 11:06

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

pictish · 09/02/2019 11:08

“In my circle of friends if something is given away then that means the giver doesn’t want it anymore“

As far as I’m aware, the same Is true of mine. Loans are specified and definitely not a vague unspoken notion. Anything else is a hand-me-down and as such is not expected to be kept and returned. I think that’s the norm.

snoutandab0ut · 09/02/2019 11:10

exactly pictish! I've honestly never encountered these bizarre people who ask for gifts or donations back except for on this thread

LuvSmallDogs · 09/02/2019 11:11

wildbhoysmama, IDK, did you write a grabby WhatsApp to someone already using the bag in question demanding it? Or did you say “hey, have you still got that bag, if so do you mind me having it seeing as you don’t need it anymore?”

PolarBearDisguisedAsAPenguin · 09/02/2019 11:11

Surely she'd feel embarrassed wearing your designer clothes in front of you whilst you're both pregnant.

The OP said they were Seraphine and Isabella Oliver. That’s hardly designer. They are high street clothes (John Lewis definitely sells Isabella Oliver) and a step up from supermarkets or budget stores but not designer. They also frequently sell their clothes in sales and some of the ranges end up being fairly comparable to what you’d pick up in a supermarket.

Bluntness100 · 09/02/2019 11:12

I've honestly never encountered these bizarre people who ask for gifts or donations back except for on this thread

No me neither, I wouldn't do such a thing and I don't know anyone who would.

wildbhoysmama · 09/02/2019 11:14

weary I am not morally superior or a lady who floats about lending expensive clothes! I'm a very normal woman with a close knit group of friends who, on occasion, use each other's things. We had a maternity bag that was passed around, added to and came back to everyone eventually. It is not morally superior to help each other out ffs. Just accept that many of us have a different view of this and that's that, no need to be downright patronising.

wildbhoysmama · 09/02/2019 11:16

luvsmalldogs It was neither, really, more like as soon as I was pregnant the last person with the bag would look it out and bring it next time we all met ( weekly). It was an unspoken thing, so not really comparable. Not much help there, sorry.

Ruru8thestars · 09/02/2019 11:17

Obviously they were a loan

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 09/02/2019 11:17

Maternity clothes are in effect now 3rd hand if you get them back OP..ugh I wouldnt want to wear them,Go treat yourself and put it down to experience.

pictish · 09/02/2019 11:19

Yes...perhaps I am too working class to know about this maternity wear rule. My maternity wear consisted of three items; a peasant shirt and a pair of adjustable maternity jeans or a linen pinafore dress with a t-shirt underneath. All from H&M. I alternated between the two outfits, wash and wear. I’ve not come across anyone reverentially passing round the Isabella Oliver.

Bluntness100 · 09/02/2019 11:19

This is not them using each other's things, she gave them to her. And now she's trying to pretend she doesn't linguistically understand the difference between giving and lending.

You don't give someone something then say actually I'll,have it back now. It's incredibly ill mannered.

pictish · 09/02/2019 11:22

I’d even call it a faux pas Bluntness.

Original poster
CakeCrumbs88 · 09/02/2019 11:25

Yes, 21 pages, I had no idea it was such a polarising issue!

TurquoiseDress and other posters in a similar vein, thank you for stopping me feeling like I’d fallen down the rabbit hole. I’m astonished people would consider items like dresses to be worn to weddings to be theirs to keep forever. But as it’s clear that is the way some people view things, I shall be extremely cautious in future. Which in many ways is a shame.

I plan to muse on things for little while and then contact my friend. I’ll explain that I’m terribly sorry there has been a misunderstanding, obviously I wasn’t clear enough up front, but that they were only ever intended for loan and I’m not in a position to repurchase and I hope she understands.

OP posts:
Darkstar4855 · 09/02/2019 11:28

I don’t understand why you would ‘lend’ your maternity clothes out anyway if you were planning another pregnancy. Surely there’s the risk of them getting stretched/stained/damaged by the other person?

I happily gave mine away but only because we are definitely not going to have any more children - and if for any reason we did I wouldn’t expect to get them back!

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