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AIBU?

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Original poster

Asking friend to return maternity clothes

739 replies

CakeCrumbs88 · 08/02/2019 16:36

Last year a good friend of mine was pregnant with her first DC, so I gave her a load of maternity clothes; the good pieces e.g. Isabella Olivier trousers, Seraphine dresses, a lovely woollen maternity coat, rather than my washed out Primark leggings with holes.

I’m now pregnant with DC3, and she with DC2. During one WhatsApp chat I said “let me know when would be good for me to pop in and collect my pregnancy clothes, can’t believe how soon I need them with number three!”

She responded “um, pretty taken aback you’d ask me that. I’m pregnant too and you gave them to me”

I’m stunned. Surely I’m NOT unreasonable??

By way of comparison, a friend of mine gave me load of her baby’s clothes and toys when I had DC1 but when she was pregnant with her DC2 at the same time as me, I arranged to return her belongings, even though of course I could have made use of them. It didn’t occur to me not to!

FWIW, I intend to insist, but would rather get some views first to try to understand where she is coming from.

OP posts:
wildbhoysmama · 09/02/2019 10:08

snout we clearly have a different perspective, and that's okay. But would you really take an expensive wedding outfit ( hat, dress, jacket matching jewellery in my case) that your friend bought recently and still fits her but offered to you so you don't need to spend and not give it back?! It would be known that it was a loan even if that word wasn't used. And it's polite in my circle of friends to thank people ( box of chocs/ cheap bunch of flowers/ small candle ), in fact, I would never turn up to anyone's house empty handed- always with biscuits/ choc/ fruit/ booze/ candle depending on if it's a quick cuppa or bigger get together it's just how I've been brought up.

CallMeRachel · 09/02/2019 10:09

Except the Op hadn't given her friend her clothes as a gift. She intended them as s loan and assumed the friend would use them and return them. The friend assumed they were a gift as that suited her mindset.

To those who say if you give something away it's automatically a gift, do you not believe borrowing exists anymore? If so, why has it become extinct? It hasn't, it's just people are now more grabby and entitled than before.

wildbhoysmama · 09/02/2019 10:12

But the point is it was obviously not a gift, as in not a present but something which the OP could use again. Obviously no-one returns an actual birthday/ Christmas gift! It's ridiculous to compare.

I actually think that those keeping the clothes are the ones that are tight as fuck! We're not talking kids baby gros here, it's expensive clothing.

snoutandab0ut · 09/02/2019 10:13

CallMeRachel of course borrowing exists but you have to specify whether you are lending or giving! Saying ‘you can have this/would you like this’ etc implies a gift. Although having said that we don’t know the exact words the OP used.

wildbhoysmama if you offered me a new and expensive outfit without using the word lend or borrow my first reaction would be something like ‘are you sure you don’t want this? Wasn’t it expensive?’ or similar. At which point it would likely become clear that it was a loan.

wildbhoysmama · 09/02/2019 10:13

Well said Callme. I'm still waiting for a neighbour to return ladders she asked to borrow to cut a hedge 4 months ago. I'll get round to asking but I shouldn't have to.

Ethel80 · 09/02/2019 10:15

@CallMeRachel Yes, I lend friends things and make it clear it's a loan.

Would you like to borrow my collection of Ryan Gosling dvds as I'm not using them at the moment?

Or

Here's my collection of Ryan Gosling dvds.

Very different and needs to be made clear at the time.

My friends often pass on baby stuff and when it's not needed it's passed on to someone else unless someone says 'you can use this but it was expensive/has sentimental value so I'd like it back when you're done please'

It's really not complicated.

snoutandab0ut · 09/02/2019 10:18

If they asked to borrow a ladder and haven’t given it back that is cheeky, but also not comparable. They asked to use your ladder on a temporary basis. That isn’t what happened here (apart from via the medium of telepathy, it would seem)

wildbhoysmama · 09/02/2019 10:18

snout I'm sure that conversation would clarify things, but I'm surprised that you wouldnt know that it was a loan if it is new and expensive. But I suppose I'd only lend clothing to a very close friend and they'd know as we always offer expensive items to each other if needed.

E.g baby swing £££ my friends bought for DS3 has been passed around 5 babies now, is going string and I will get it back- not because I'm having more ( God forbid) but because it belongs to me and I will keep it for nieces' children.

CallMeRachel · 09/02/2019 10:20

@wildbhoysmama well good luck with that. Going by the current mindset on here the neighbour would be right to assume she now owns your ladders as you 'gave' them to her Hmm

If given things from someone and they don't specify at the time if it's a gift or to borrow, why not ask if they need them back?? Why is the default position always assume it's to keep? I couldn't be like that. I'd be mortified to take kindness as weakness and then deprive the person who paid for it all when they need them.

wildbhoysmama · 09/02/2019 10:20

But snout the mat clothes are for a temporary basis. Everyone knows that- or so I thought, perhaps not!

wildbhoysmama · 09/02/2019 10:22

Exactly callme it's taking kindness as weakness, a good phrase.

snoutandab0ut · 09/02/2019 10:23

Well it would depend how it was said. ‘You can wear this’ would imply a loan. ‘Would you like this/you can have this’ implies gift. I would certainly be very surprised at someone gifting me something new and expensive, which is why I would clarify it if it wasn’t immediately obvious. But then I probably wouldn’t loan my expensive clothing out at all (not that I have any really expensive clothing)

snoutandab0ut · 09/02/2019 10:26

wildbhoysmama clearly everyone does not know that! If the OP planned to have more children I don’t know why she gave them away in the first place. But it goes back to the coversation and the handover, if she said ‘I don’t need these maternity clothes so you can have them’, there is nowhere in that sentence that implies it’s a temporary loan!

I’m also not sure how accepting a gift is exploiting someone’s kindness? Isn’t it basic manners 101 that if someone gives you something you accept it with good grace? Not say ‘I’ll give it back when I’m done with it?’ I think that would be quite rude, as if to say ‘your gift isn’t good enough for me so I don’t want to take ownership of it’

shirleyschmidt · 09/02/2019 10:27

People are focusing too much on the technicalities of what was 'agreed'. This isn't a courtroom - it's (supposedly) a friendship, and if the friend has clothes paid for by OP and OP now needs them, she should be gracious and give them back with thanks. She's benefitted once. Maternity clothing is expensive and this person is demonstrating exactly why she didn't deserve the OP's generosity in the first place.

snoutandab0ut · 09/02/2019 10:29

But if you take that argument to it’s logical conclusion then you could say that if you gave something to charity, then a few days later suddenly needed the item again, you’d be perfectly reasonable to march to the charity shop and demand it back because you paid for it! And I’m fairly sure (at least, I hope) nobody would think that’s an ok thing to do

TurquoiseDress · 09/02/2019 10:32

Do you ask for Christmas and birthday presents back as well if you decide you might need them?

Such an utterly ridiculous comparison- it's not the same thing at all with lending maternity clothes.

snoutandab0ut · 09/02/2019 10:33

But it’s not Turquoise - a gift is a gift is a gift, UNLESS YOU SPECIFY IT IS A LOAN

wildbhoysmama · 09/02/2019 10:34

snout we clearly have very different ideas on this. I expressed it clumsily that ' everyone knows' , it's just that everyone in my friendship group knows so I presumed that it's the done.thing everywhere. If you has used my mat wear/ wedding outfit/ work clothes and kept them/ sold them/ gave them away I'd be livid.Shirley has expressed it far better and I completely agree with her.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 09/02/2019 10:34

To me a gift is something you buy specifically for someone, new (unless you know they are really into charity shop finds or something)

Buying something for yourself, using it, then passing it on to someone with a 'you might find this useful' doesn't really seem the same...

shirleyschmidt · 09/02/2019 10:36

Of course not, because a charity donation is CLEARLY and indisputably given to keep, and the charity is not a FRIEND. This person is OP's friend, which is presumably why she was offered the clothes to begin with. And unfortunately the terms were not specified. By all means find the loophole that justifies keeping her things, but that's not friendship.

DameSquashalot · 09/02/2019 10:36

I would have offered to give them back to you.

Handprints2018 · 09/02/2019 10:38

I agree with pp, as a friend she should have offered them back already after she gave birth. Did she know you were ttc number 3 at the time OP? If so then she knew you would need the clothes back again so she is a CF. If not then maybe she thought you were done?

I think it's chalked up to:
As a lender you should always make lending clear.
As a receiver you should always ask if they are wanted back when given.

Saves a lot of issues.

In this case though, i doubt you will remain friends if she holds onto the clothes. It might be annoying but she's bought none so far so she is besr to return and get her own. Otherwise it will lead to resentment in the friendship from the sounds of things.

wildbhoysmama · 09/02/2019 10:39

Agree turquoise it is as like a Christmas/ birthday gift or donation to charity as an elephant is like an ant. Mat clothes are loaned not gifted unless you say - I don't want them back, it's a given. Even if you don't think that, you always check with someone if they want it back when you're done with it. The OP paid for it. Her friend is not a charity shop. If you think it's the same I'm so glad I've never given you something.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 09/02/2019 10:40

I think what's clear on here is that different people view it differently, some people absolutely expect that clothes would be given back, and others see it the same way as asking for a birthday present back. Both of you just saw it completely differently so it was just misunderstanding

I think in these circumstances the friend should still offer to give them back.

She hasn't actually financially lost out as she'd only be buying things she needed anyway and might be able to sell them on if only worn once

If she doesn't then OP would financially lose out and that doesn't seem fair when she was trying to do a nice thing in the first place

TurquoiseDress · 09/02/2019 10:41

@CallMeRachel

it's just people are now more grabby and entitled than before

Spot on!

I think this thread has clearly demonstrated that some people really are like this!

It's opened my eyes to how other people view these things- also it explains to me the falling out of other friends/acquaintances over the years

e.g. piece of clothing was loaned, but the receiver then decided to hold on to it indefinitely for whatever reasons, cue falling out between the two friends

It's made me realise that there are people out there that genuinely believe that stuff is theirs to hold because a friend has been kind enough to allow them to use it

It's made me very wary about loaning out any of my maternity stuff now, especially as we've not ruled out DC3

I don't think I'd trust anyone now judging by some of the responses on this thread!

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