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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Asking friend to return maternity clothes

739 replies

CakeCrumbs88 · 08/02/2019 16:36

Last year a good friend of mine was pregnant with her first DC, so I gave her a load of maternity clothes; the good pieces e.g. Isabella Olivier trousers, Seraphine dresses, a lovely woollen maternity coat, rather than my washed out Primark leggings with holes.

I’m now pregnant with DC3, and she with DC2. During one WhatsApp chat I said “let me know when would be good for me to pop in and collect my pregnancy clothes, can’t believe how soon I need them with number three!”

She responded “um, pretty taken aback you’d ask me that. I’m pregnant too and you gave them to me”

I’m stunned. Surely I’m NOT unreasonable??

By way of comparison, a friend of mine gave me load of her baby’s clothes and toys when I had DC1 but when she was pregnant with her DC2 at the same time as me, I arranged to return her belongings, even though of course I could have made use of them. It didn’t occur to me not to!

FWIW, I intend to insist, but would rather get some views first to try to understand where she is coming from.

OP posts:
HogMother · 09/02/2019 08:53

I think it’s a little daft to loan out your maternity clothes whilst trying to conceive another child. Surely it was always going to be possible you would be asking for clothes back, and that’s almost as inconvenient for friend. Who wants to buy mat clothes for the last few weeks of their pregnancy when they’ve got so much other stuff to buy?
I also think you were daft not to specify the loan. A gift doesn’t have to we gift wrapped does it.
So sorry, no constructive advice.

SnuggyBuggy · 09/02/2019 08:54

Also the friend is pregnant again so is using the "gift" for it's intended purpose still.

Pinkyyy · 09/02/2019 09:01

What I find interesting here, is that she protested giving them back. Even if I thought you had given them to me, I couldn't be CF enough to try and refuse to give them back if you asked for them.

LuvSmallDogs · 09/02/2019 09:04

God how mortifyingly tight some posters on MN are. I am in a low income family, and there have been times we were on the bones of our arse, living in fucking charity housing, and it’s only since finding MN that I have come across the concept of demanding back handmedowns you have gifted to friends/family to help them out.

Fiddie · 09/02/2019 09:06

I'm so glad lots of people agree it's rude to ask for a gift back.

If I was the friend I'd return them if you asked but I'd be thinking you're strange.

And before anyone says it's rude of the friend not to return them, I've never once been given a present and then asked for it back. Not once.

wildbhoysmama · 09/02/2019 09:13

OP I'm not sure if you're still reading but this entire thing is ridiculous! OF COURSE she returns them, it is awful if she doesn't. I truly can't believe all the people on here saying that she should keep them - walk about with your lovely clothes on whilst you need to buy more, I don't think so. How cheeky!

You're completely right that she should have known they were a loan. We had a maternity bag ( Ikea the same as you Grin) which was passed around my group of friends. We were given it, added to it and passed it on. It was brilliant. Most things survived 5/6/7/8 babies because there was loads of stuff, much of it seasonal or work/ casual specific so not worn to death. I remember a fancy top I bought for a wedding, it featured in so many ' occasion' photos for everyone for years that it was funny and lovely that we all wore it. Everyone raved about the jeans I bought and the standard joke was as soon as someone announced they were pregnant ' Time for the jeans to come out! Literally we all wore those jeans to death and they still looked brilliant when the bag eventually became redundant ( all finished with kids) and it was passed with a ' Use what you can and pass on the rest ' to my son's swimming coach. We still smile wondering if the jeans/ fancy top are still surviving somewhere, I hope so.

She has no right to be miffed and clearly has not been brought up well at all.

wildbhoysmama · 09/02/2019 09:22

luvsmalldogs but the difference is that they're not hand me downs! It's not kids' clothes that are too small, they're adult clothes that are only needed for a short time.

If I gave you a wedding outfit ( expensive) to save you spending a lot of money, would that mean you wouldn't give me it back?! It generally means that you return it clean with a box of chocolates.

If I was pregnant and gave you some lovely work dresses for a new job as right then they didn't fit me and I knew you didn't have a lot of funds until you had wages coming in, would you keep them forever or would you return them clean and ironed a few months later?

Both scenarios have happened to me and I've had the clothes back with a thank you and a hug. That's what friends do- help each other out.

TurquoiseDress · 09/02/2019 09:27

@LuvSmallDogs

I really think you're totally missing the point here, OP did not gift the maternity clothing to her friend, it was done to help her out/give her more stuff to wear during her first pregnancy last year.

No ideas of OP or her friend's financial circumstances so can't comment.

I think it's rather unfair to say they are being tight in these circumstances.

Yes of course if it was a bag of random adult or baby/children's clothes given to the friend, then OP would be slightly bonkers asking for them back.

But maternity wear has a specific purpose, you don't wear a maternity dress years down the line etc

TurquoiseDress · 09/02/2019 09:29

@wildbhoysmama

My thoughts exactly, I've written pretty similar!

BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 09/02/2019 09:32

I don't know why the OP didn't ask for them back as sooner as friend no longer needed them, ie a couple of months post partum

Aridane · 09/02/2019 09:33

You also shouldn't accept a very generous gift then not offer it back if it is needed

Eh?

Farmerswifey12 · 09/02/2019 09:33

I think your friend is rude OP- you gave clothes to her to help her while pregnant.

If I was her, I would have asked you after my pregnancy what you wanted me to do with them, and I would definately have returned them after finding out you were pregnant.

wildbhoysmama · 09/02/2019 09:36

turquoisedress farmerswifey thank goodness there plenty of us sensible posters here!

LuvSmallDogs · 09/02/2019 09:39

wildboyshmama, that would rather depend on whether you gave it to me or loaned it to me - though seeing as maternity clothes are sometimes worn for several months before being no longer needed, I would say they have more in common with children’s clothes than an outfit worn for a day.

OP says gave, therefore it is a gift. If OP’s friend weren’t pregnant again, there is every chance these clothes would be in a charity shop or being worn by a pregnant friend of a friend of a cousin by now.

Yes, OP is tight AF as is everyone who does the same as her, HTH.

TurquoiseDress · 09/02/2019 09:43

So just because the op did not ask for the clothes back within a specific timescale she has now lost any 'claim' to them?

Maybe she didn't want to pressure her friend just a few months post partum.

Maybe her friend was still getting good use out of them- I wore maternity stuff for a good few months after baby arrived!

It sounds like her friend is having DC2 very quickly after number 1 last year. Perhaps OP didn't anticipate her friend having another baby so quickly.
Who knows

But at the end of the day, those clothes belong to her and her so called friend is being incredibly dense or deliberately obtuse, in not agreeing to return then quickly and without fuss

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 09/02/2019 09:44

She should just give you your stuff back end of.

cushioncovers · 09/02/2019 09:44

Well only you really know whether it was a gift or a loan so...

cushioncovers · 09/02/2019 09:48

If maternity clothes were a loan I'd have expected you to ask for them back within 2 months of her DC1 being born. So assuming she didn't get pregnant again right away and your initial statement of 'gave' then I too think you shouldn't expect them back.

Excellent point. How old is her first child op? What year did you lend/ give her the clothes?

shirleyschmidt · 09/02/2019 09:50

My first thought was if you gave them to her they're hers, and technically that may be true. Knowing another child was a possibility you should either have made it clear it was only a loan, or sold them to her.

But morally she's in the wrong. She's already benefitted from your free stuff during her first pregnancy, and thinks she should benefit twice at your expense, all because the original terms were a bit ambiguous.
You're asking for it back to avoid spending MORE money, but she gets to keep it to avoid spending ANY (over two pregnancies!) A normal person might moan and groan in private, but would understand why you'd need it back. Crap friend.

CallMeRachel · 09/02/2019 09:50

Yanbu.

Regardless if you were vague at the time of letting her have/use your clothes, you have made it clear now you need them yourself and she absolutely should return them to you.

I can't understand the mentality of someone happy to take take take, and presume that everything given is theirs to keep. Where I'm from people would be polite and offer it back before presuming it was now theirs to keep.

If she doesn't return your clothes she's a greedy scavenger as far as I'm concerned. She hasn't paid for them, you did and you now need them. No decent friend would even dispute this.

Lesson learned, never lend stuff again. If you do it seems you now have make sure you almost draw up a signed contract in writing so the CFs know they are being given it to use, not keep! Confused Manners and morality gone out the window.

snoutandab0ut · 09/02/2019 09:56

Where is this parellel universe in which gifts are assumed to be loans? I’ve literally never come across this concept before reading this thread. If you give something away it is a gift! If you think you might want it back you need to make that clear! Do you ask for Christmas and birthday presents back as well if you decide you might need them? Doubtless someone will come along and say that’s different, but to me and many others here it isn’t. A gift is a gift - whether for a special occasion or no reason at all. A loan is a loan! They are not the same thing!

snoutandab0ut · 09/02/2019 10:01

wildbhoysmama in those examples it would entirely depend if you said I could HAVE them or if I could BORROW them. If you said, ‘I’ve got a great dress for the wedding you can HAVE’, then no it would not cross my mind to give it back. If you said BORROW, I would return it (but not with a box of chocolates, who does that over borrowing clothes?) same with the work dress. ‘This doesn’t fit me now I’m pregnant, would you like it?’ ‘Oh yes lovely, thank you’ = dress is now mine. ‘This doesn’t fit me now I’m pregnant, you can borrow it for a few months if you like’ = I’ll return it when you are no longer pregnant

wildbhoysmama · 09/02/2019 10:01

luvsmalldogs so you're saying that I was tight as fuck to want to use the maternity bag I spoke of after it had been passed around?! Seriously? Even though we all used and added to it to HELP each other and not all have to buy new constantly? Are you insane?! Or just rude?

RageAgainstTheVendingMachine · 09/02/2019 10:03

I gave an acquaintance a couple of maternity dresses without further thought - she then asked me later if I wanted them back and I said pass them on/donate to charity. Point is: she asked even though they had been gifted. Friend did the same with some child costumes the other day - and got the same response from me.
So if these clothes still exist - and the friend still has them - there is no good reason she can't hand them back given the OP is now in the same boat.

snoutandab0ut · 09/02/2019 10:04

I would actually find it weird if someone I gave a gift to asked if I wanted it back. That’s... not the point of a gift. I’d feel like they were trying to politely say they didn’t like it and wanted me to relieve them of the unwanted gift, it would feel like a bit of a snub