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AIBU?

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Original poster

Asking friend to return maternity clothes

739 replies

CakeCrumbs88 · 08/02/2019 16:36

Last year a good friend of mine was pregnant with her first DC, so I gave her a load of maternity clothes; the good pieces e.g. Isabella Olivier trousers, Seraphine dresses, a lovely woollen maternity coat, rather than my washed out Primark leggings with holes.

I’m now pregnant with DC3, and she with DC2. During one WhatsApp chat I said “let me know when would be good for me to pop in and collect my pregnancy clothes, can’t believe how soon I need them with number three!”

She responded “um, pretty taken aback you’d ask me that. I’m pregnant too and you gave them to me”

I’m stunned. Surely I’m NOT unreasonable??

By way of comparison, a friend of mine gave me load of her baby’s clothes and toys when I had DC1 but when she was pregnant with her DC2 at the same time as me, I arranged to return her belongings, even though of course I could have made use of them. It didn’t occur to me not to!

FWIW, I intend to insist, but would rather get some views first to try to understand where she is coming from.

OP posts:
notanythingnewuser · 09/02/2019 04:54

I think you are BOTH being unreasonable, you to begin with because you clearly never stated this was a LOAN rather than a GIFT when you should have instead of assuming but also her because she has also assumed and I would of just bitten my tongue when you asked and returned the items...

I also think its very strange that people 'lend' people mat clothes and baby clothing 🧐🧐🧐

AlmostAJillSandwich · 09/02/2019 05:16

I can see both sides. For you it was only ever meant as a loan until your next pregnancy, she thought you gave them to her for keeps, especially as you didn't ask for a return after she gave birth.
If she weren't currently pregnant then yes it would be unreasonable of her not to give them back.
However, she's pregnant too, and intended to wear them this pregnancy too, maybe already is. With a young baby i assume shes still on maternity leave or hasn't been back long, i seriously doubt she has the funds to stump up a whole pregnancy wardrobe, especially not the nicer stuff she has you gave her.

Her message maybe was a bit blunt but hardly rude, she might be in a real pickle and facing having nothing to wear that fits, and probably embarrassment/panic if she can't afford to buy anything to replace the stuff you gave, you havent said (unless i've missed it) if shes working or not.

PennilessPaladin · 09/02/2019 05:56

Agree with @redredrobbins

I've been lent/given baby and maternity stuff. I always just ask if they want it back or if they're happy for me to pass it on.

Also if the friend isn't working she doesn't need the expensive smart clothes.

catkind · 09/02/2019 06:00

Don't think it matters of it was a gift or a loan. Take the baby out of the equation. Say a friend gifted me a car because they were moving abroad then unexpectedly moved back - common decency would say you offer the gift back if you still have it. It's not an 'I've got you a nice present' gift, it's passing on an expensive item to someone who can use it when you can't type gift.
They're supposed to be a friend. I could not for a second imagine going about with a friend wearing things they'd given me when they no longer needed and I hadn't given back when they did need again.

Snog · 09/02/2019 06:31

You should have made crystal clear that the clothes were a loan and also asked for them back after her first baby.

However, despite this, if you asked for them back, even though friend would have been surprised and disappointed of course she should return them whilst being entitled to feel a bit miffed about it.

If friend refuses to return them (assuming she still has them) it may be difficult to continue the friendship.

If I were you I would apologise for not being clear at the outset, say you can't afford to buy loads more maternity clothes but appreciate she probably can't either and say how about you just give me back x y and z items that were my favourites and keep the rest.

SnuggyBuggy · 09/02/2019 06:52

I wouldn't remember who gave what especially if multiple people gave me things.

Bluntness100 · 09/02/2019 06:55

I'm shocked at how many people think it's ok to gift something to someone and then ask for it back.

Because that's exactly what happened here. Even her op is confused and she specifically states she gave them to her friend.

Of course the friend should have given them back on request, but thr ultimate rudeness is to gift something then ask for it back when you need it,

And for those trying to pretend there is an unwritten law about baby stuff never being a gift, 🤣🤣🤣

ittakes2 · 09/02/2019 06:58

Honestly, I think the poor communication was on your part - BUT I agree with you - she is your friend and as your friend once I found out you were pregnant I would have offered them back - regardless if they were a loan or given. I would not expect you to go buy more clothes while I wore the ones you bought. But that said...if I had given them to someone I also would not have asked for them back. Its a bit sad that a very generous gesture on your part is potentially going to affect your friendship - both of you need to sit down and decide is this what you want - your friendship ruined over this. And if its not - you need to negotiate the way forward. Good luck with your baby.

snoutandab0ut · 09/02/2019 07:11

OP you say you’re shocked people keep going on about the semantics of ‘gave’ and ‘loaned’ but they are two very different things! You absolutely need to specify which one it is.

If someone came to me with an item they knew I could make use of, and said ‘you can HAVE this’, I would think that’s a gift and be very taken aback if I was asked to give it back.

If they said ‘you can BORROW this/I can LEND you this until I need it again’, then I’d give it back when I finished with it.

In absolutely no world is a gift the same as a loan, and these posters who automatically assume gifts are loans are frankly bonkers imo. I wouldn’t give something to someone if I thought I might need it again in the future, and if I only wanted them to have it for a limited time period I would make damn sure I used the words ‘borrow’, ‘loan’ and ‘I will need this back’.

Having said that, I would give the clothes back in your friends position, but I would feel awkward and weirded out by you asking

Sierra259 · 09/02/2019 07:11

I don't think either of you are being particularly unreasonable. It sounds like you could have been clearer when you gave/loaned them to her that you would want them back for your next pregnancy (assuming this wasn't a surprise one!). And I imagine she probably wouldn't have been reluctant to give them back if she didn't also happen to be pregnant! Unfortunate timing but no-one's fault. I think the onus has to be on the person lending to state clearly that they want certain items back - if someone didn't say that specifically I would probably assume it was a gift, though for more expensive items I would probably double-check when I had finished using them.

cliffdiver · 09/02/2019 07:12

If she knew there was a possibility you were having another DC then she should have expected to give the clothes back.

noneofyourbusinessx · 09/02/2019 07:13

Haven't read the whole thread but If i gave someone some clothes their to keep I wouldn't want them back. To be honest I'm quite shocked you want them back.

PurpleFlower1983 · 09/02/2019 07:21

I’m due with my first in a few weeks, quite a few people have kindly offered to lend us things (baby bath, breast pump, carrier etc.) but I’ve turned them down respectfully as I would’ve worried I would damage them. Other people have given us things, I’ve offered them money for them but they’ve made it clear they are a gift. You needed to be more specific that you were loaning her the clothes.

diddl · 09/02/2019 07:42

How long has she has the clothes for that she's had one baby & is expecting her next?

I would have thought that she would have given/offered the clothes back after her first baby.

That not done, I wonder why you didn't ask for them back.

Perhaps she's had them for so long she thought that you didn't want them back?

She should give them back now asked, but how long would you have let her store your clothes??

SpeedyBojangles · 09/02/2019 07:44

It's awkward because you are now pregnant at the same time. It would seem like you gave her the items, although if I were her I would return them when you asked.

I gave my friend all my maternity clothes and a load of baby stuff when she was pregnant with her first DC as I thought I was done. Turns out I wasn't and she gave me the stuff back but it wasn't as awkward as we weren't pregnant at the same time. We will exchanges back again when she is pregnant again.

SnuggyBuggy · 09/02/2019 07:47

See I see it as a pay it forward thing. I have some lovely hand me downs from my OHs ILs. I will keep them until I'm sure I don't need them and will probably pass them on to someone who needs them.

If the person who gave me them becomes unexpectedly pregnant I'd probably offer a bag of baby clothes if I had some to give, if she expected a return of the exact clothes given I'd probably laugh.

caroline161 · 09/02/2019 08:16

I don't think she's got them anymore and that's why she's coming across as defensive. If she has every piece and knew where it all was she may feel a bit miffed but I think most people would just gather it all up and bring it back round to you whilst feeling a bit annoyed.

Her answer suggests to me that she isn't able to do that, she's either passed them on or sold them.

Chocolatecoffeeaddict · 09/02/2019 08:18

You don't give stuff to someone ans ask for it back. Weird and rude.

lazymare · 09/02/2019 08:32

You also shouldn't accept a very generous gift then not offer it back if it is needed.

lazymare · 09/02/2019 08:33

OP should not have had to ask

babysleep4 · 09/02/2019 08:38

I agree with other poster s that she does not have then anymore otherwise you would give them back.

SnuggyBuggy · 09/02/2019 08:40

I certainly wouldn't accept any gifts from a friend that had the cheek to ask for them back. It's the exact opposite of generous.

TurquoiseDress · 09/02/2019 08:45

I don't see what is strange about lending quality maternity clothing which will only be worn for a tiny amount of time overall.

It can then be worn by somebody else- especially the original giver if they are now pregnant again!

Decent maternity clothes tend to have a high re-sell value on places like eBay because the relatively short length of time they've been worn.

They don't tend to get worn out especially if it's an 'occasional' dress that you might wear to attend a wedding. Unless people tend to ruin an outfit/dress each time it's worn??

The bit that would be strange is lending generic baby clothes, especially size 0-6 months as these are likely to get covered in milk, baby sick, poo and wee!

Unless it's a specific outfit eg for a christening, I don't think anyone in their right minds would be expecting it all back in the same condition or otherwise.

Lending maternity clothes is a totally different thing to lending baby clothes!

The posters who are baffled about this are clearly not getting the point that it's just the maternity stuff op is on about!

TurquoiseDress · 09/02/2019 08:46

"Occasion" dress that you might wear to attend a wedding. Not occasional!

hammeringinmyhead · 09/02/2019 08:52

I do understand it's mat wear and not baby clothes. I just think that as it's workwear (not wedding wear?!) the friend has probably worn it all to death 5 days a week.