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AIBU?

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Original poster

Asking friend to return maternity clothes

739 replies

CakeCrumbs88 · 08/02/2019 16:36

Last year a good friend of mine was pregnant with her first DC, so I gave her a load of maternity clothes; the good pieces e.g. Isabella Olivier trousers, Seraphine dresses, a lovely woollen maternity coat, rather than my washed out Primark leggings with holes.

I’m now pregnant with DC3, and she with DC2. During one WhatsApp chat I said “let me know when would be good for me to pop in and collect my pregnancy clothes, can’t believe how soon I need them with number three!”

She responded “um, pretty taken aback you’d ask me that. I’m pregnant too and you gave them to me”

I’m stunned. Surely I’m NOT unreasonable??

By way of comparison, a friend of mine gave me load of her baby’s clothes and toys when I had DC1 but when she was pregnant with her DC2 at the same time as me, I arranged to return her belongings, even though of course I could have made use of them. It didn’t occur to me not to!

FWIW, I intend to insist, but would rather get some views first to try to understand where she is coming from.

OP posts:
PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 08/02/2019 23:22

Regardless, my point still stands.

cad186 · 08/02/2019 23:29

Your friend should give the clothes back, I honestly can't understand why she didn't offer as soon as she found out you were pregnant.

pictish · 08/02/2019 23:33

“But the point is, it's not being 'given away'- maternity clothes are given/loaned for the duration of a pregnancy, the actual time of needing specific stuff is less than the 9 months- but the clothes still belong to the original owner/giver.”

I must have missed that specific memo.

The friend thought they were hand-me-downs, just as I would have in the same circumstances. Of course she is taken aback by being asked to (essentially) take them off and give them back while she’s still wearing them. Those are her clothes! She says as much in her reply. I’m still using them...you gave them to me.
It’s a discomfiting request.

I’m not trying to be argumentative. I just don’t know anything about the arbitrary maternity clothes rule and agree with the friend that the clothes were given. The breezy announcement that the giver would be popping in to take them back while they were still being used as my clothes would throw me.
I’d not dream of asking someone to do that.

pictish · 08/02/2019 23:37

Paul same here. if I was able to return the clothes I would do so sweetly...but I’d be thinking “noted” and my perception of that person would be more guarded in future.

ReanimatedSGB · 08/02/2019 23:45

Also, it sounds like she got PG for the second time before you got PG this time - and has therefore been wearing some of these clothes again, without you having said anything, which would reinforce her belief that they were hers, not a loan. So you demanding them back, particularly if the wording of your text was what you posted, would have come as a surprise to her.
Does she know that they were expensive clothes? Are you both on about the same level of income? I probably wouldn't be able to tell the difference between £75 dress and a £10 dress unless it was pointed out to me (TBH there probably isn't that much difference unless you are precious about brand names.)

lerrimknowyouretheyir · 08/02/2019 23:46

Utter madness on your friends part. If I were pregnant at the same time as a friend who had loaned me lovely mat clothes for my previous pregnancy, even if I had thought they were a gift, I wouldn’t dream of not giving them back when asked. I’d be mortified in fact.
The reality is you’re probably going to end up falling out with your friend about it because clearly she thinks nothing of the fact that you’ll potentially have to go and buy a second set of smart mat clothes as she swans around in your Isabella Oliver and will most likely refuse to give them back.
I’m not sure what I’d do in your situation. I’d probably explain the fact that I had always meant the clothes to be a loan until such time as I needed them back but if she didn’t give them back at that point, I’d probably suck it up and buy more or borrow from other friends. And never lend her anything again.

givemesteel · 08/02/2019 23:53

Your friend is incredibly rude and of course should give them back. I would have done so without asking.

Hopefully it is a lesson learned though OP, I don't think it is worth lending people stuff that you might need back. It always seems to get awkward.

Either give away stuff you definitely don't need anymore (and suck it up if you have an accidental pregnancy) or make it really clear it's a loan til you need it again.

Personally when I'm done with babies / maternity I'm selling it all to try and recoup the huge outlay hut we literally were given nothing by others so had to buy it all new.

TurquoiseDress · 08/02/2019 23:57

I've no idea about the maternity clothes memo or specific rules...!

It's more about being courteous to a friend who has done you a favour by lending you the clothes in the first place, it was kind of them to do so, because you were pregnant and needed new clothes to fit your new shape.

It's not as if you gave your non-pregnant friend a random bag of clothes that you no longer wear and weren't expecting any of it back.

It's not about maternity clothes rules/memos/whatever- it's basic politeness, courtesy and appreciation towards a friend who has done you a favour.

All this disingenuous "oooh but I thought it was gift" is just bollocks and once more further underlines to utterly grabby CF nature of some people

pictish · 08/02/2019 23:58

I guess the outcome from this is that if we want something back we have to make it clear that it’s on loan. Otherwise this sort of thing happens.

rosablue · 09/02/2019 00:03

The phrase 'talking at cross purposes' is very useful in cases like this when both people have a different take on a situation and neither one is particularly right or wrong (or you know you are right but you want to give the other person a chance for a graceful get out clause and to restate exactly what you meant!).

So if you say that you were obviously talking at cross purposes when you lent her your expensive maternity clothes that you thought she would find useful while pregnant, but that as you were planning baby 3, you always knew that you would need them again so it never occurred to you that she would think you were giving them to her when you would need them again.

And if she knew that you wanted another baby, then even better as you can say that she knew you wanted another baby - what on earth did she think you were going to wear when you were next pregnant, that was the whole point of buying clothes that would last you for several pregnancies.

Then follow up with a brisk - it's clear that we were at cross purposes, but now that we are not, and I have clearly explained why I lent them to you to use while you were pregnant the first time, please can I have them back as I really need them. Don't worry if they're in need of a clean, I can sort that out, I'll just come and get them asap - how about this evening...

Guessing she is going to counter with the fact that she is going to need to go and buy something if your stuff is all she has that's suitable for work so you might have to leave her with an outfit or two until after the weekend so she can get something sorted - but good luck!

pictish · 09/02/2019 00:15

Grabby nature? Just how much do you think anyone wants a load of second hand clothes off their pal?! It’s not a Mexican holiday home.

Sometimes people take these items so as not to offend with a refusal. If they’re actually of any use that’s a total bonus.
I don’t ever want anyone else’s clothes...but if I end up being given something I wear, don’t announce you’re taking it back while I’m wearing it. Rude!

2isabella2 · 09/02/2019 00:17

Of course you're not being unreasonable and I am shocked at how many people think you are. I have been lent and given so much over the past few years (maternity clothes/baby stuff etc) and always ask the giver when I've finished whether they'd like them back or would like me to pass on/sell on their behalf. Can't believe she said no even when directly asked!

PCohle · 09/02/2019 00:18

Well clearly the OP's friend does want these clothes. Pretty badly too, given how rude she's being about keeping them.

If she didn't ever want them why wouldn't she just give them back?

Guineapiglet345 · 09/02/2019 00:21

I imagine the clothes are probably quite well worn if they’ve already been through 3 pregnancies and two different women, perhaps she didn’t really want them but was too polite to tell you and binned them and now doesn’t have them to give back.

I didn’t find maternity clothes that expensive, I got quite a lot in sales and they were quite well worn by the end. I definitely would not have wanted clothes another pregnant lady had been sweating in Hmm

pictish · 09/02/2019 00:26

She probably will, I imagine. I would and nicely. But I wouldn’t accept another offering again. I’d feel humiliated by this one.

Maybe the friend IS a cheeky fucker. I can only opinionate from my own perspective.

pictish · 09/02/2019 00:34

“perhaps she didn’t really want them but was too polite to tell you and binned them and now doesn’t have them to give back.”

This would be me. I have done exactly that. Nowadays I just refuse them but yeah, I used to worry about turning my nose up at a well-intentioned offering and end up with a bag in my hallway that I would feel faintly guilty about for weeks before finally throwing in the clothes bank.

Gennz18 · 09/02/2019 00:39

Even if - speaking from the friend’s perspective - I’d thought they were a gift, once I was asked to return them I would have assumed I’d misunderstood.

Very weird to dig your heels in and insist it was a gift when the giver is telling you it wasn’t!!

ZenNudist · 09/02/2019 00:49

If i were your friend id return them. Maternity clothes aren't like normal clothes and it makes sense to share them, especially coats and nice dresses that dont get that much wear.

I cant believe shes so selfish that she expcts you to shell out for more clothes and she keeps yours.

To be honest they wont be as good now youve both had a go in them. Probably just buy more.

What a cow!

ZenNudist · 09/02/2019 00:58

If you didn't specify gift or loan the default setting is its a loan, she should check if you want them back.

I think its cheeky when people sell other peoples property. Least you can do is split proceeds.

honeybeetheoneandonly · 09/02/2019 01:02

How many times did you ask for them back after her first pregnancy?
It sounds like you were happy for her to keep them with no mention of wanting them back.
Was she aware she was just storing them for you (for years)?
Sorry, it's very unlucky timing that you are both pregnant at the same time but I don't think you have any right to ask for them back now.
If she wasn't pregnant it would be a different story.
If you had asked for them previously, it would be a different story.

Marvelus · 09/02/2019 01:19

Now I'm wondering if I offended my friend nearly 10 years ago by not giving her back her maternity clothes ConfusedBlush

She gave them to me and I moved several months after dc1 was born so I just gave them to the charity shop. Didn't think anything of it. She never asked me about them and did go on to have another dc.

On the other hand another friend lent me (clearly said I could borrow) a cot and I returned this when we moved.

Over the years when people have given me things (clothes toys etc)I have generally passed them onto charity shops or given them away when I no longer needed them. I would never sell them as that would feel dishonest.

ReanimatedSGB · 09/02/2019 01:19

And yet another thing with 'loaned' maternity clothes - how long is the recipient supposed to store the fucking things, just in case, if the original owner neither asks for them back nor announces another pregnancy by way of hinting that, despite nothing having been said at the time, they were only on loan?

redredrobins · 09/02/2019 01:40

I think the ops friend is an example of the current me me me generation, when I had my DCs it was the norm for maternity clothes and baby things to "do the rounds". But the original owner always had first dibs on their stuff.
I think if a lot of people behave like the friend then people will just hang on to their own stuff and everybody loses in the long run.
She should realise that the op was generous allowing her to use the clothes and should of course give them back now they are needed again.

SnuggyBuggy · 09/02/2019 04:02

Maybe the unwritten rule of maternity clothes always being a loan should be added to the information given at the booking in appointment because I've never heard it.

Do people keep a list of who "gave" them what so they know who to offer it back to?

PCohle · 09/02/2019 04:19

If a friend gave me clothes worth several hundred pounds I'd hope I'd be grateful enough to remember without a list.