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AIBU?

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Original poster

Asking friend to return maternity clothes

739 replies

CakeCrumbs88 · 08/02/2019 16:36

Last year a good friend of mine was pregnant with her first DC, so I gave her a load of maternity clothes; the good pieces e.g. Isabella Olivier trousers, Seraphine dresses, a lovely woollen maternity coat, rather than my washed out Primark leggings with holes.

I’m now pregnant with DC3, and she with DC2. During one WhatsApp chat I said “let me know when would be good for me to pop in and collect my pregnancy clothes, can’t believe how soon I need them with number three!”

She responded “um, pretty taken aback you’d ask me that. I’m pregnant too and you gave them to me”

I’m stunned. Surely I’m NOT unreasonable??

By way of comparison, a friend of mine gave me load of her baby’s clothes and toys when I had DC1 but when she was pregnant with her DC2 at the same time as me, I arranged to return her belongings, even though of course I could have made use of them. It didn’t occur to me not to!

FWIW, I intend to insist, but would rather get some views first to try to understand where she is coming from.

OP posts:
Doublechocolatetiffin · 08/02/2019 22:16

Bit odd this thread, I can see why the misunderstanding has happened but I can’t understand the mentality that the friend should keep the clothes. A similar thing happened to me, I was given clothes & baby equipment by a friend as they were done with having babies. She then got pregnant accidentally with another and I was pregnant too. I gave her back all the maternity clothes, baby clothes and equipment she’d given to me, I wouldn’t have thought twice about keeping them. Why on earth should my friend have to fork out for that stuff again? Yes maybe asking for them back was crude, but I don’t think you should have had too, she should have offered to return them imo.

PrimalLass · 08/02/2019 22:19

Obviously I would return them after asking being asked but I would find it very strange

So you wouldn't offer them back if you were both pregnant at the same time?

Itssosunny · 08/02/2019 22:19

If I were your friend I would return the clothes to you but you wouldn't be my friend anymore. If you lend something then specify it but don't make it sound like it's normal to return the clothes back or toys.

Bluntness100 · 08/02/2019 22:25

If I give someone something and don't state it's a loan and want it back,just simply here you can have these, I would not dream of asking for them back,

On saying that though as soon as you asked me, I'd have given them back and thought you were a twat,

In future when you give someone something, if it's a loan, and you want it back then tell them,

You clearly thought it was a loan. She clearly thinks you gifted them. I don't think she is unreasonable in this assumption. I do think she's unreasonable to not just give you them back and keep her thoughts on your behaviour to herself

Maelstrop · 08/02/2019 22:26

I think, whether you or she are being unreasonable (I think she is) that if a friend asked for her clothing back, I’d be pissed off but wouldn’t tell my friend and I’d give back everything freshly laundered. I don’t get why you should pay for another maternity wardrobe when she keeps it for free.

Itssosunny · 08/02/2019 22:26

What if the clothes are spoilt, e.g. holes, food marks?

sonjadog · 08/02/2019 22:27

I think that even if you had given them as a gift because you weren't planning any more children and thought you would never need them again, it would be the act of a real friend to offer them back as soon as you found yourself pregnant again. Otherwise you end up in the position of meeting up with a friend whose clothes you are wearing for free, while she is wearing a second round of clothes bought because you refused to give her back what she had had before. You'd have to be pretty self-absorbed to be okay with that, I reckon.

Lochroy · 08/02/2019 22:27

I don't think it's as simple as semantics and after all this time if it wasn't specific e.g. 'I won't need these again, you have them' or alternatively 'you have these until I need them again' then it could go either way. She's obviously assumed she could keep them and come back to you with a really ballsy reply to test your resolve. If I were her I'd probably have been disappointed but would have given them back. Give her reply, I think you need to front up and say 'sorry you misunderstood,but I do need them back, thank you,'.

Ireallywantmylifeback · 08/02/2019 22:30

I wouldn't expect to have to give them back. Although knowing you were currently pregnant would make me feel uncomfortable about wearing them.
Could you split the bundle?

Ribbonsonabox · 08/02/2019 22:34

I would not have asked for them back if I'd given them. But if I'd received them from you I'd have offered them back if I knew you were pregnant, even if I was.
So I think you are both being a bit rude.

GreenTulips · 08/02/2019 22:36

In my circle of friends and family, baby stuff is temporary and does the rounds of friends and family

This is 100%

Your friend is just grabby

Squigglesworth · 08/02/2019 22:38

Honestly, some of the mindsets on here would put me off the idea of loaning out things to begin with, ever again!

TallDrink, that's shocking! I don't understand people like that. She definitely should've at least checked with you, even if she'd "forgotten" that you'd already explicitly told her that the equipment was only a loan. Things like that really sour relationships. Don't think I could feel the same about someone after they treated me that way...

iolaus · 08/02/2019 22:39

You probably should have said earlier (and if they were a loan then got them back once she'd given birth)

That said if you asked me for them I would give them back

However does the gestation come into play at all - if the friend is 36 weeks pregnant and you are asking for them back when you are 7weeks I can see her thinking 'aw come on, by the time you really fit them I'll be done'

GrapesAndCheese · 08/02/2019 22:44

DSis gave me all of her maternity clothes after her difficult pregnancy that very sadly ended in a baby loss. She said she wouldn't need them again so I could have them for my pregnancy.

Happily, a few years later she did conceive. Did I hold on to her maternity clothes, since they were explicitly given to me as a gift? Fuck no. I gave them back with the extra bits I had bought too. I'm sure, if I become pregnant again, the clothes will make another cycle back to me.

MN can be a strange place sometimes.

Yabbers · 08/02/2019 22:46

@AhNowTed
She could. She didn’t but she could. They were given to her with no suggestion they were anything other than a gift.

@PCohle
The friend had no idea the gift was to be returned. OP didn’t make it clear. She made a mistake but wants the friend to pay because of that.

AhoyDelBoy · 08/02/2019 22:53

MN can be a strange place sometimes.

And that about sums it up. I think the moral of the story is as PP have said.. Neither a borrower nor a lender be

FWIW IMO she should ABSOLUTELY return the clothes to you. I’m astounded that others wouldn’t or would think of you as rude etc etc for requesting them back. IMO you shouldn’t even have needed to ask. She should have said ‘Oh damn I best get those maternity clothes back to you then’ or something like that when she found out you were pregnant.

IMO anyone that would happily wear the clothes knowing you’re pregnant as well is an absolute CF.

Also amazed at how hung up certain posters get on certain terminology as if every exchange with a friend is some legal contract!

TurquoiseDress · 08/02/2019 22:57

Honestly, some of the mindsets on here would put me off the idea of loaning out things to begin with, ever again!

Absolutely!

My mind is utterly boggled by some of the attitudes I've read on here tonight.

This thread is very salient for me as I've recently had a baby and been loaned maternity clothes previously (which I gave back a few months after baby had arrived- I did not hang onto them and then decide they were mine as nobody had yet asked for them back!) and also loaned a few of my lovely maternity dresses for friends to wear to weddings when very pregnant

Justnapping · 08/02/2019 23:03

This is such a strange thread. I only gave away maternity clothes to friends once I was sure I wasn’t having any more babies. Why would you give away stuff that you are going to need?! Just store it in the attic and once you’re definitely done then give it away.

Ethel80 · 08/02/2019 23:08

You've ballsed this up by not specifying the clothes were a loan. I can understand you wanting them back but unless you actually said that when you handed them over, how the hell is your friend meant to know?

I'd treat my own clothes very differently to some I have borrowed. If my friend lent me an expensive coat I'd be paranoid about damaging it as it's not mine and possibly wouldn't really want to wear it. But if the item is given to me then it's mine and my responsibility to look after it and my problem if it's damaged/stained.

Suck it up and be more clear in future. Your friend had no way of knowing you wanted them back. Maybe she thought you'd given them away as you'd want new clothes next time.

bourbonbiccy · 08/02/2019 23:10

I have given lots of my DS things away, which were of reasonable value, if I expected them to be returned I would ensure the recipient understood that on receiving them.
I probably wouldn't think a friend would want them back after I had them to be honest.

Aridane · 08/02/2019 23:11

Honestly, some of the mindsets on here would put me off the idea of loaning out things to begin with, ever again!

Honestly, some of the mindsets on here would put me off ever receiving 'gifts' ever ever again

TurquoiseDress · 08/02/2019 23:12

Why would you give away stuff that you are going to need?!

But the point is, it's not being 'given away'- maternity clothes are given/loaned for the duration of a pregnancy, the actual time of needing specific stuff is less than the 9 months- but the clothes still belong to the original owner/giver.

Anyhow, that's the approach I would take if borrowing maternity clothes from a friend.

Cheerbear23 · 08/02/2019 23:14

I’m on the fence with this, I’ve been given clothes but never thought I may need to give them back - really though much wear can there be left in clothes worn for 2 pregnancies already?
Don’t other people spill food / stain and generally wear things out?
However if I was specifically asked to return items I would do so without question - I wouldn’t assume it had ‘become’ mine.

PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 08/02/2019 23:18

If I was in the position of your friend inwardly I’d be saying “ah you fucker, thought they were a gift, up yours” and outwardly I’d be all “oops! Yes of course I’ll drop them off to you soonest, how daft of me not to get on it myself” [tinkly laugh].

Atalune · 08/02/2019 23:20

It was a gift not a loan!

Op said have not lend. And that is not semantics that’s basic verbiage.

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