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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Asking friend to return maternity clothes

739 replies

CakeCrumbs88 · 08/02/2019 16:36

Last year a good friend of mine was pregnant with her first DC, so I gave her a load of maternity clothes; the good pieces e.g. Isabella Olivier trousers, Seraphine dresses, a lovely woollen maternity coat, rather than my washed out Primark leggings with holes.

I’m now pregnant with DC3, and she with DC2. During one WhatsApp chat I said “let me know when would be good for me to pop in and collect my pregnancy clothes, can’t believe how soon I need them with number three!”

She responded “um, pretty taken aback you’d ask me that. I’m pregnant too and you gave them to me”

I’m stunned. Surely I’m NOT unreasonable??

By way of comparison, a friend of mine gave me load of her baby’s clothes and toys when I had DC1 but when she was pregnant with her DC2 at the same time as me, I arranged to return her belongings, even though of course I could have made use of them. It didn’t occur to me not to!

FWIW, I intend to insist, but would rather get some views first to try to understand where she is coming from.

OP posts:
LetsTessalate · 08/02/2019 21:22

I wouldn't have asked. I've learned my lesson about loaning stuff out.

(Loaned a string of (v good) pearls to a friend for her sister's wedding under the proviso that her toddler didn't get to play with them. I don't need to finish this story).

betterbeslytherin · 08/02/2019 21:26

Wow I think your friend is really cheeky to be honest.
I was first pregnant out of my friends, next friend was then my maternity clothes when she got pregnant next, and has had 2 in that space.
I've just had my second so received back all my mat clothes plus any other clothes she had bought. And now another friend is pregnant and I'm about to pass on the accumulated mat clothes I now have.
I won't be pregnant again so don't expect them back ever- but if I were to have another of course I would expect them back.
Why would op buy more clothes while her friend walks round in her freebies. Not ok. It's not like she said she doesn't like/want them any more, it's different with maternity clothing as obviously only wearable whilst pregnant!!

Atalune · 08/02/2019 21:27

Can I just clarify- I am not the friend Wink

Monestasi · 08/02/2019 21:32

Atalune you don't need to be the friend. We understood. Wink

SD1978 · 08/02/2019 21:38

You're utterly unreasonable!!! Unless you had specified this is purely for use during the this current pregnancy and then must be returned, no normal person would assume they were to be returned. You gave her clothes. There was no subtext given, except in your head. Yes you buy them again. She is using the clothes you gave her- and it wasn't a loan, you gave them. They are now hers and you are going to lose a friendship as well as (hopefully) the clothes.

MerryMarigold · 08/02/2019 21:40

YAdefinitelyNBU OP.

As a PP said, it's only on MN that people are incapable of nuanced thought. These are not a 'gift' in the same way a birthday present is. It's clearly sharing your stuff around (eg. baby clothes which do the rounds) until required by the original owner.

Your friend is cheeky at best, rude and grabby at worst. I would have offered them back to you as soon as I knew you were pregnant. Even if I was kind of hoping you wouldn't ask and cheekily keeping hold of them OR had genuinely misunderstood and thought they were now my property, once you'd asked I would definitely have given them back.

I think you're going to have say 'bye' to this friendship in the end. That's some weird mindset going on there (and also in the 'but-you- didn't-state-your-terms-and-conditions-upfront--when-you-passed-them-to your-friend' MN crowd). Friendship isn't about 'terms' in my book. Do you lot all have pre-nup agreements in place?

RubaiyatOfAnyone · 08/02/2019 21:42

*Yes if a friend of mine would be so crass to ask for it back I would be cringing so hard for them!

I’d return sweetly but inside would be thinking well....you haven’t been brought up very well!*
^ This 100%

You gave a gift. You demanded it back apparently assuming that your belief that maternity items are always a loan was universal (it isn’t, i’ve never come across it before). I assume from your updates that you will eventually bully her into giving it back, despite the fact that she is pregnant and thought she had a wardrobe of suitable clothes that belonged to her so had not budgeted for replacing, whilst you knew that you had given yours away and had plenty of time to budget for replacing. In her shoes i would, once i had scraped my jaw off the floor, gather everything i thought might be yours and give it back but there wouldn’t be a friendship there once i saw that what’s yours is yours and what’s mine is also yours.

tumtitum · 08/02/2019 21:43

Your friend is BU. I have maternity/nursing clothes friends have lent me and even though I know they're probably not having any more children I still plan on giving
Them back when I don't need them, or at least asking if they want me to give them
To charity, pass them on to another friend etc

SnuggyBuggy · 08/02/2019 21:47

If someone gave something to me I would never assume they would want it back at a later date unless they said. I certainly couldn't be bothered keeping a record of what different people had given me.

If you don't want to pay for a new maternity wardrobe you shouldn't have given the old one away.

Nothinglefttochoose · 08/02/2019 21:47

Like the others have said, if you have her the clothes that sounds like you weren’t wanting them back. However your friend should have clarified that with you at the time. Also I would not hold onto clothes knowing the actual owner wanted them back because they needed to use them. I think she’s pretty cheeky to be honest.

UnderMajorDomoMinor · 08/02/2019 21:50

Have you text her? Even if you and her have got different ends of the stick, surely she’ll give in first?

Ellieboolou27 · 08/02/2019 21:52

15 pages! Lordy me, I read each reply and Atalune speaks the most sense, agree with you 100%.

slappinthebass · 08/02/2019 21:55

Wow she is rude. Rude to assume they were given and not lent, rude to not ask at the time, and then rude to send that reply. Yes you absolutely should have said they were a lend only, but it's polite for her to ask too!

I've given and lent so much in baby clothes and equipment to my close friends over the years. I'm a sucker for baby clothes and have a lot of jojo/Boden/scandi/frugi type stuff that all my babies have worn. I've said to several friends I have enough to totally keep their babies wardrobe full until 6 months, but I'd like it back afterwards, although I wouldn't be bothered if some got stained/worn out because clothes are to be worn, they are just too sentimental for me to sell. I've said feel free to pick and choose what you like or borrow the whole lot. No pressure if you cant be arsed.

With other things I've said 'do you want these before they go to the charity shop' or I say let me know if there is anything else you need. If I don't specify I've always been asked, and I'll either say keep it/pass it on after or go on, I'll have it back. Likewise if anyone has given me baby equipment and not specified; I always check with them before passing on if they want it back first.

Even if your friend did assume they were for keeps, her reply is still rude. Why not 'oh sorry, didn't realise you'd want them back Blush, worried I've worn them out/passed some of it on. Can I give you some money towards new ones instead, what would you prefer?' Would be a bit better. Accusing you of being rude is something else.

cuppycakey · 08/02/2019 21:57

Exactly snuggybuggy

MrsCBY · 08/02/2019 21:59

And I would be thinking precisely the same of you, as well as what a total grabby CF of a friend you were!

Agreed, TurquoiseDress. This is one of those WTF threads.

Good luck getting them back, OP. Oh, and to bold you just put an asterisk either side of a username Smile

starray · 08/02/2019 21:59

YABU. If it was a loan, I would have made it VERY clear at the time. And even if it was a loan, after a year - I would just write it off as a gift to a friend.

I'm on your friend's side.

Monday55 · 08/02/2019 22:00

If we go by facts rather than presumptions, your friend has the right to keep the clothes as a gift. You never verbally confirmed or state that the clothes where a loan, you presumed it was a loan. If you're going to all of a sudden turn your presumption into a fact then surely she can also do the same in thinking that the clothes where definitely gifted. Not sure why you didn't ask for the clothes back after she'd given birth last summer ?

BlueMouseRedMouse · 08/02/2019 22:00

So your friend was supposed to hang onto them forever in case you ever conceived child number 3?

Frolie · 08/02/2019 22:02

Very rude of your friend. I’d be very offended by the text she sent you

PrimalLass · 08/02/2019 22:03

Unless you had specified this is purely for use during the this current pregnancy and then must be returned, no normal person would assume they were to be returned. You gave her clothes

No normal person would not offer them back, when they realised the person who gifted them such lovely clothes also needed them again.

bakingdemon · 08/02/2019 22:05

Several friends lent me things while I was pregnant but it never occurred to me that I wouldn't give them back. You should absolutely say that they were only a loan while you didn't need them but now you do need them back. Did you keep a list of what you lent her?

I'm actually still wearing much of the mat wear as I'm only 4 weeks pp - as soon as I can fit into my own stuff I'll be giving it all back.

birdiewoof · 08/02/2019 22:08

Haven’t RTFT but if I was her I would have given them back to you when you announced your pregnancy as I would feel uncomfortable wearing them knowing you could also be getting use from them!

Pikehau · 08/02/2019 22:08

YANBU

I gave my friend my lovely isabella olive clothes, because they were lovely and infelt someone else should get the benefit.

I got them back even though I thought i was done with 2. We both then got pregnant with 3 ... she enjoyed her clothes I enjoyed mine.

She is a CF thinking her freebies were to be kept

bourbonbiccy · 08/02/2019 22:08

Sorry I'm on your friends side, I would never think a friend would hand over maternity clothes with the intention of them being returned unless they specifically said something along the lines of " you can borrow these while you're pregnant and I will have them back for my next one once you're done with them".
Obviously I would return them after asking being asked but I would find it very strange.

User93929244 · 08/02/2019 22:12

Interesting. I both gave and lent a friend things when she was pregnant and we were undecided about more DC. I was very clear the clothes were to use and pass on, but the equipment was a loan.

Fast forward a year and we were expecting another and her baby had outgrown the equipment. We nicely asked for various (expensive) essentials back, and she’d sold them! 😳

She passed it off as ‘oh I got rid of everything and forgot what was what’ but that was pretty unbelievable. To be fair she tried to replace some of it with other second hand stuff, but some of it was bad condition or probably unsafe. We saved her a lot, but then had to rebuy it ourselves.

I think she just assumed we were done and wanted to get the cash. She’s a good friend so I let it go but I’m still really perplexed about why she did it without checking.

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