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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Asking friend to return maternity clothes

739 replies

CakeCrumbs88 · 08/02/2019 16:36

Last year a good friend of mine was pregnant with her first DC, so I gave her a load of maternity clothes; the good pieces e.g. Isabella Olivier trousers, Seraphine dresses, a lovely woollen maternity coat, rather than my washed out Primark leggings with holes.

I’m now pregnant with DC3, and she with DC2. During one WhatsApp chat I said “let me know when would be good for me to pop in and collect my pregnancy clothes, can’t believe how soon I need them with number three!”

She responded “um, pretty taken aback you’d ask me that. I’m pregnant too and you gave them to me”

I’m stunned. Surely I’m NOT unreasonable??

By way of comparison, a friend of mine gave me load of her baby’s clothes and toys when I had DC1 but when she was pregnant with her DC2 at the same time as me, I arranged to return her belongings, even though of course I could have made use of them. It didn’t occur to me not to!

FWIW, I intend to insist, but would rather get some views first to try to understand where she is coming from.

OP posts:
Aridane · 08/02/2019 20:32

Lol at The Great Unwritten Code That Everyone Knows about gifted maternity clothes being a loan!

CurlyWurlyTwirly · 08/02/2019 20:32

If I was her, even if I was a bit miffed, they are basically your clothes and I would give them back.

cuppycakey · 08/02/2019 20:34

Last year a good friend of mine was pregnant with her first DC, so I gave her a load of maternity clothes;

So those clothes are hers now. So it's up to her if she passes them on to others, uses them herself, whatever.

I think you will have to suck it OP and be a lot clearer in future if you intend to lend something to someone.

Yabbers · 08/02/2019 20:34

Seems the clothes are worth more than your friendship.

Unless you specified you wanted them back YABVVU to ask for them back.

DevaDiva · 08/02/2019 20:34

No YANBU they are your clothes that you were kind enough to give to your friend while she was pregnant.

Anyone with any social skills and an ounce of common sense would return them if they were needed.

If she wasn't pregnant and you asked for them back would she still insist they were a gift and you couldn't have them back?

stealthbanana · 08/02/2019 20:37

I also think it’s really weird she didn’t offer them back when she found out you were pregnant. Quite frankly whether you were planning another baby or not, I can’t imagine being given expensive items by a friend and not offering them back!

It’s bad luck for her that you’re preg at the same time, but them’s the breaks. YANBU OP!

AhNowTed · 08/02/2019 20:39

@Yabbers

Well by your logic the friend could sell them while the OP is in need of them back.

Nice friend. Not.

bluebeck · 08/02/2019 20:40

@AhNowTed

Most of the things on your list I would not accept as I would want my own.

Baby clothes - yes, have both gifted to people and not expected back, and accepted and not returned. After I had my last child I just gave everything I had away. I knew that none of my friends are so weird that they would ask me to return something they had given me.

Do you give someone a Christmas present and consider it is still your property? It's exactly the same to me......

If I give something I give it wholeheartedly. I must be very fortunate that in my circle that's the way we all operate. Never come across anyone asking for gifts back.

SovietKitsch · 08/02/2019 20:41

What size are you CakeCrumbs88 ? I’ve got 2 maternity suits in my wardrobe 10-12 that I’m not wearing (and won’t need again) that you can have if you’re interested. I know what a ball ache it is to dress for a professional job when pregnant!

AhNowTed · 08/02/2019 20:44

@bluebeck

No it's not the same as a Christmas present.

In my circle of friends and family, baby stuff is temporary and does the rounds of friends and family.

My nieces kids are wearing my kids stuff 20 years later.

What comes around goes around.

It's called community.

WombOfHerOwn · 08/02/2019 20:44

I actually think she’d have more of an excuse if she had gotten rid of them since because what could she do. However, she still has them. Clearly she has no issue with the OP having to spend again while she makes double use of free items. That’s just wrong in my view.

LettuceP · 08/02/2019 20:46

I do wonder if the difference of opinion on here is based on what people spend on maternity clothes? To me they were something I would only be wearing for a short period of time so I bought about 5 cheap tops from new look, 3 pairs of cheap leggings, bras and knickers, trousers for work and a coat from primark 2 sizes up. Probably spent £150 max all in. So if I gave them away I wouldn't think to ask for them back.

I can kind of see where op is coming from as they are expensive clothes but I don't think she should expect them back. If her friend wasn't pregnant then she could definitely ask and hope that her friend still has them and they are in good condition. If the friend wasn't pregnant then I'd expect her to offer because it's what friends do.

thefirst48 · 08/02/2019 20:47

Does anyone else find it odd that maternity clothes are being passed around between several people? I'm lucky where I didn't need to buy any maternity clothes through my pregnancies.

Any of my friends who were pregnant and then gave clothes to another person to use would never dream of asking for them back. I personally wouldn't feel comfortable wearing something that I know two or three people have worn before.

PCohle · 08/02/2019 20:48

Yabbers surely the friend is also choosing the clothes over the friendship?

Boobiliboobiliboo · 08/02/2019 20:54

We lent a load of baby stuff to a family member who was having a baby about a year after we had DD. We were very clear it was a loan.

They loaned it on to another family member, then took it back for their DC2, then back to the other family member for their DC2, then onto yet another family member for their DC and then finally back to the first one for their DC3.

So we lent it for 1 baby, it was gone for 4 years and used by another 5 babies before we were offered it back. Told them to give it away. Bleugh.

KTheGrey · 08/02/2019 20:56

Friend & many posters think you should definitely not have the nice maternity clothes to wear so that entitled CF friend can wear them while you go cold and/or repurchase. Yes. Unreasonable to expect a friend with whom you've shared your stuff to be decent about sharing it back. Seems really grabby and "me-first" behaviour to me. Hmm

Ihatemyseleffordoingthis · 08/02/2019 20:58

You are unreasonable to want a gift back
But she is unreasonable, you having asked, for arguing the toss

Lelly0503 · 08/02/2019 20:58

Yanbu, myself and friends pass on clothes, baby items between us, there is a bouncer that 3 of us have used, now back to its original owner as she has her next one. I wouldn’t dream of viewing these items as mine let alone thinking of selling them or giving them away! Even IF I saw the clothes as a gift the fact if the original owner asked for them back I’d just put it down to a misunderstanding but be greatful I got some wear out of some decent maternity clothes for free and be giving them back!

SpanielEars070 · 08/02/2019 20:58

I think she's being as cheeky as hell not to return them when you've asked.

FWIW I've learned never to "lend" anything I want back. My Mum kept my cot from my childhood, and DH spent hours repairing and painting it when I was pregnant with our 1st. We used it for all of our DC, and it was in the garage when a friend saw it out there and asked if she could borrow it to keep at her mums house (she lived in the same village). I was happy to, but on the condition that I wanted it back at some point as she knew it had sentimental value.

When my eldest DD fell pregnant with her 1st, I wanted it back to use for my grandchild. I asked my friend 3 or 4 times, and never got a reply. It was only when I met her mum out walking one day that I asked, and she said they'd got rid of it. I actually burst into tears I was so upset, and I've never lent anything to anyone since.

Aridane · 08/02/2019 20:59

What a fabulous reuse of clothes and sense of community!!

Original poster
CakeCrumbs88 · 08/02/2019 20:59

Reading all your replies with interest , thank you

SOVIETKITSCH that is really kind of you but I am hopeful I can resolve this!

Opinion seems to be split into two camps and my friend and I are clearly coming at it from totally different places.

As some PPs have said, I find the semantics argument very strange, people very focused on the verb ‘gave’, when to me it was just common sense that I was helping her out but that obviously they were still my clothes. I actually find the idea that she’d have sold them ( she hasn’t) rather shocking

OP posts:
Aridane · 08/02/2019 20:59

(sorry - that was to boobi)

Atalune · 08/02/2019 21:02

This thread is nuts!

You didn’t specify, you assumed there was a tacit agreement that she would return them. As you can see from this thread it’s hugely polarised with the majority of the posters saying a gift is a gift.

I personally think it’s a very poor show on your pasty to have sent such a snotty text knowing your friend is pregnant.

You ought to have sent something much more emollient and the whole thing could be avoided!

Something like-
Hi xxxx I was hoping you might be able to return some of those maternity bits as I find myself unexpected but delighted pregnant with baby no3. I know you are also pregnant so this is a bit awkward but I would in particular like some of the work wear but back if you can spare them! Sorry to ask for them back, maybe we need a rota! Hope all is well with you, shall we have a catch up in the week at blah blahs for a cuppa?

RobinsEggBlue · 08/02/2019 21:04

If someone gave me something like this I would offer to return it as soon as I didn’t need them, you paid for them after all. I think she is being a bit rude

TurquoiseDress · 08/02/2019 21:05

Here's a link from the Seraphine website, just as an example of dress that could be worn for work:

www.seraphine.com/en-gb/navy-blue-maternity-dress.html

Isabella Oliver is similar pricing, if not more.

The OP is not talking about a bag full of Primarni leggings and oversized t-shirts.

You'd have to be an out and out grabby CF to think you could just keep these kinds of clothes- unless the giver explicitly said KEEP IT

I appreciate that we all have different budgets and wants when it comes to maternity clothing.

Finding suitable stuff to wear to work, in a professional job, is a total pain...the OP is not unreasonable at all the expect all her clothes back!