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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Asking friend to return maternity clothes

739 replies

CakeCrumbs88 · 08/02/2019 16:36

Last year a good friend of mine was pregnant with her first DC, so I gave her a load of maternity clothes; the good pieces e.g. Isabella Olivier trousers, Seraphine dresses, a lovely woollen maternity coat, rather than my washed out Primark leggings with holes.

I’m now pregnant with DC3, and she with DC2. During one WhatsApp chat I said “let me know when would be good for me to pop in and collect my pregnancy clothes, can’t believe how soon I need them with number three!”

She responded “um, pretty taken aback you’d ask me that. I’m pregnant too and you gave them to me”

I’m stunned. Surely I’m NOT unreasonable??

By way of comparison, a friend of mine gave me load of her baby’s clothes and toys when I had DC1 but when she was pregnant with her DC2 at the same time as me, I arranged to return her belongings, even though of course I could have made use of them. It didn’t occur to me not to!

FWIW, I intend to insist, but would rather get some views first to try to understand where she is coming from.

OP posts:
SingaporeSlinky · 08/02/2019 20:01

I didn’t give or loan any maternity clothes until I was sure I was done having children. In case I’d needed them sooner than planned or in case any got ruined or stained etc. If I had though, I’d have made sure it was clear it was a loan.

I think your initial message could have been nicer, but her response was rude and she should give them back.
I agree on messaging something like “sorry I assumed you knew it was a loan and I’d need them back for my own pregnancy. I didn’t realise we’d end up pregnant at the same time, but I don’t see why I should go out and buy another set of clothes while you wear mine. Why would I give away hundreds of pounds of designer clothes?”

bluebeck · 08/02/2019 20:02

You are being completely unreasonable. In your OP you state that you GAVE them to her. That means they were hers forever, to do with as she wished.

Yes, you will have to buy a new maternity wardrobe.

Your friend must think you are a total CF to be demanding them back like this, especially as she is pregnant.

hammeringinmyhead · 08/02/2019 20:06

I think YWBU to lend/give/whatever knowing you were likely to have another baby. My mat stuff was worn so much and it showed. I wouldn't want a dress back after 9 months of someone else's deodorant, washing/drying and underarm bobbling.

PCohle · 08/02/2019 20:06

If the friend assumed the items were a gift and they are therefore ruined, donated, shrunk or whatever, why hasn't the friend politely explained that. Just a blanket "no, they're mine now" comes across as aggressive and rude. Surely in the interests of friendship (and it recognition of the fact OP did a really nice thing in lending/gifting the clothes in the first place) she could have at least apologised for the misunderstanding.

MichelleM30 · 08/02/2019 20:08

I think she's got a cheek. She obviously still has the items as she's planning to wear them. When she heard you were pregnant she should have said I've still got your mat clothes I'll look them out for you.

Can't believe she expects you to buy new stuff while she parades around in your clothes.

Try message her again there have been some gd suggestions on how to word it.

Cheetahssitonfajitas · 08/02/2019 20:09

Well, this thread really separates the cheeky fucks socially inept from the not! Just surprised there's so many of the former.

AhNowTed · 08/02/2019 20:09

@bluebeck

"Your friend must think you are a total CF to be demanding them back like this, especially as she is pregnant."

Ha ha. "She" is pregnant.

News flash so is the OP, and any reasonable person would figure that the OPs pregnancy trumps the friend.

The friend is the CF, and certainly not the OP.

ShesABelter · 08/02/2019 20:11

She is unreasonable. If someones asks for something like that back that they initially paid for and could now make use of I'd definitely give them back not question it. What a brass neck.

thefirst48 · 08/02/2019 20:12

It all falls down to communication. The OP didn't state they were a loan and the friend thought they were a gift.

Tavannach · 08/02/2019 20:12

YANBU. Even if you had given them to her she should repay the favour now that she knows you're pregnant again.

dashitauntagatha · 08/02/2019 20:12

"To all the posters who say it's a gift..... what would you do if someone asked you to return something you has assumed was gifted?"

This thread just gets weirder and weirder - is this about semantics? Or friendship? Even if someone had made it clear they were a gift, once I knew they were pregnant again I would give them back - even if there was some wear and tear - because I value my friendships and I'm not a dick? (or try not to be!)

How awkward and weird to be totally fine with meeting up whilst we're both pregnant and I'm wearing these nice expensive clothes my friend bought and she's clearly had to go out and buy some more!! How is that ok?

And of course totally not the same as asking for a Christmas or birthday present back - how strange to say it is. Someone has done you a kindness - not just anyone - a friend - and now you want to rely on semantics to save yourself a bit of money - clearly you don't care very much about your friendship!

AhNowTed · 08/02/2019 20:14

BTW OP, your were BU to share them to your piss-taking, CF, entitled "friend" in the first place.

Honestly, who the fuck would expect you to buy new while she wears your stuff. 😂

breadwidow · 08/02/2019 20:16

Not read every response here but I'm surprised by the strength of feeling. It sounds to me like though it wasn't amazingly clear the OP did at least imply that the clothes were a loan rather than gift ('I'm not using these at the moment').

Two diff friends passed on maternity clothes when I was pregnant. it was clearer to me is was a loan, I think because she only had one kid, so I gave them back to her as soon as I was done with them and she lent them to someone else before she had DC2.

I also lent my mat clothes between DCs. After I had my DC2 and I was certain I was done I needed space and gave them away to another pregnant friend. I made it pretty clear I didn't want them back - I think I said keep or pass them to someone else when you are done, I'm def not having another.

So overall the OP could perhaps have been clearer but I would always assume things like this were a loan unless specified clearly!

bluebeck · 08/02/2019 20:18

But Ted The clothes belong to the friend now...Confused The OP GAVE them to her. It wasn't a loan.

There does appear to be some misunderstanding on this thread between the words GAVE and LENT.

ID81241 · 08/02/2019 20:19

OP I think your friend is being cheeky. Given she hasn't sold or given away the clothes, why does she expect you to shell out for a second time on maternity clothes when she had them for free? I would be too embarrassed if I was her... And her text was rude.

Generally I agree with other posters that it sounds like you gave it as a gift, but most people would understand in the circumstances that you would want them back if you got pregnant again. And given the short passage of time since giving her the clothes, you're not being unreasonable to ask for them back. Definitely get them back as her cheeky response alone warrants you put your foot down.

SemperIdem · 08/02/2019 20:21

I think it may have been unclear whether they were a gift/loan.

However your friend is being ridiculous, to be honest I might be quietly annoyed in her shoes. But quietly, whilst still returning the hardly cheap maternity clothes that you bought.

TurquoiseDress · 08/02/2019 20:21

People banging on that you GAVE them to her- I would interpret that as the physical act and verb of giving...but not for her to KEEP indefinitely.

Anyway, surely this is not about semantics and interpretation.

It's about the fact that your kindness and generosity has been taken advantage of by a so called friend.

And once again I'm absolutely astounded at the number of CFs on this thread saying that the clothes now belong to the friend and you need to suck it up/buy yourself a new maternity wardrobe!

All I can say is I'm glad my friends are not like that.

Midnight21 · 08/02/2019 20:23

I'd be embarrassed to ask for them back.I'd not lend or pass on anything & expect it to be returned.
Friends are more valuble than clothing,no matter how fancy

butteryellow · 08/02/2019 20:24

I think it's bloody bizarre too that even if she did think they were a gift, she wouldn't have gifted them back when you asked (if not as soon as she heard you were pregnant).

Totally weird to expect you to buy new clothes rather than her, after you'd done her the favour originally.

mummarosie1 · 08/02/2019 20:25

I find it really odd that she doesn't think you should get them back...

Thequaffle · 08/02/2019 20:26

Sounds like you gave them, not lent them so they are now hers. Unless they were clearly a loan then YABU to ask for them back.

AhNowTed · 08/02/2019 20:27

@bluebeck

So a friend says here you can have/use my...

Birthday party decorations
Communion dress
Wedding veil
Baby wear
Pram, stroller, car seat, baby swing

She then has a wedding, birthday, communion, baby...

And you seriously think it's OK to tell her sorry, bugger off, not only am I not returning the favour, but I'm keeping your stuff and you can buy new.

Is that it?

LettuceP · 08/02/2019 20:29

I'm really confused by all the passing around of maternity clothes. How is everyone the same size while pregnant? I was a completely different size during my second pregnancy than I was in my first so I couldn't even wear my own old maternity clothes. I certainly couldn't wear my friend's as I wasn't the same size as them during their pregnancies. Or is there another "unwritten rule" about everyone wearing maternity clothes that don't fit? Grin

Piewife · 08/02/2019 20:30

I don't think you should give maternity clothes away (or lend them to someone) if you're planning / hoping for another baby. It doesn't make sense.

If someone had offered me their maternity clothes and not specifically said they were loaned I'd have assumed they were done with them and mine to use as needed.

Having said that, if I was the friend I'd at least offer back some of the nicer items in this situation. It sounds like you need a chat about it as it's a misunderstanding.

TurquoiseDress · 08/02/2019 20:31

But if you're both let's say a size 8 or 10 pre-pregnancy then maternity size 8/10 maternity clothes will fit and so you'd be able to share/loan most things