Asking friend to return maternity clothes

[CakeCrumbs88]

Last year a good friend of mine was pregnant with her first DC, so I gave her a load of maternity clothes; the good pieces e.g. Isabella Olivier trousers, Seraphine dresses, a lovely woollen maternity coat, rather than my washed out Primark leggings with holes.

I’m now pregnant with DC3, and she with DC2. During one WhatsApp chat I said “let me know when would be good for me to pop in and collect my pregnancy clothes, can’t believe how soon I need them with number three!”

She responded “um, pretty taken aback you’d ask me that. I’m pregnant too and you gave them to me”

I’m stunned. Surely I’m NOT unreasonable??

By way of comparison, a friend of mine gave me load of her baby’s clothes and toys when I had DC1 but when she was pregnant with her DC2 at the same time as me, I arranged to return her belongings, even though of course I could have made use of them. It didn’t occur to me not to!

FWIW, I intend to insist, but would rather get some views first to try to understand where she is coming from.

You didn't make it clear tbh.
I would never have asked and if she offered and was pregnant I probably would have said that I would appreciate the coat but the rest of the stuff she can keep.
Do you really want the clothes back after she has worn them anyway?
I think I would have bought new stuff and just left it.

Also, those of you bleating that everyone understands maternity/baby stuff is a loan - no. No, not everyone thinks this, as is blindingly obvious from the number of posters here who would not regard passed-on maternity or baby clothes as a loan without it being clearly stated that the person who passed them on would want them back. It's stupid to assume that everyone thinks the same way as you do, because it leads to situations like this.

I think it’s perfectly obvious maternity clothes are for that pregnancy while the owner doesn’t need them, unless otherwise specified.

The thought she is wearing your maternity clothes so you have to buy more is incredible to me. Really surprised by some of the responses to you.

YABU. You gave them to her and were pretty rude in demanding them back the way that you did. However, if I was her I would give them back ASAP but probably wouldn't fall over myself to be friends with you in future.

Another one here who had no idea about this unwritten maternity clothes rule

Sorry OP but I think you are BU and quite a CF tbh. You gave them to her, they are hers. If she wasn't pregnant then you could ask if she's still got them and can you have them but she is pregnant so I think it's really cheeky to ask for them, as I said they are hers.

You should have specified that you were LENDING them and asked for them back a couple of months after she gave birth.

If I was your friend I would give them back no problem. I can't understand anyone who would let you go out and buy new clothes and carry on walking around wearing your clothes. She wouldn't be a friend anymore that's for sure. You were very kind to share such lovely clothing with her.

Did she know you planned to have a third? (Some people are happy discussing, others not etc).
As i said upthread, I would have offered them back long ago, but if she even remotely thought you ought be trying for a third, then she is a being a CF for trying to hang on to them now. It should have been obvious you would want your maternity clothes back!

Op. Yanbu, she is. Her response was bloody rude, and she's a cf. of course she should return them.

I’m genuinely shocked that so many people seem to think your friend out to be giving anything back to you.

You gave them away, and gave her no indication it wasn’t a standard gift. It does suck to have to buy new, but you should have thought lf that before you gave your posessions away.

Do you routinely ask friends or family for Christmas gifts you gave them back because they’d be a bit useful for you now? Or revoke birthday presents after giving because you quite fancy them yourself? I can’t see any difference. FWIW i can’t imagine anyone would accept maternity clothes on those grounds if it was made clear - the concern about keeping someone else’s clothes perfect for returning later would be too weird. I was lent a cot when pregnant - it was made clear the giver would like it back after (for possible future grandchildren if nothing else) and i was happy to agree because a cot is wipe-clean and fairly indestructible. I’d never have agreed to the same conditions on clothes.

I cannot understand some of these posts.

Yes of course she should have handed them back immediately.

Who on earth would say eh they're mine now tough shit.

Unreal.

OP you are totally within the bounds of reasonable to demand your clothes back.

I think you need to ask again quite bluntly and say that if you don't get the clothes back, then you will have to pay for an entire maternity wardrobe again.

You can't give people things and then take them back. It's rude and confusing.

"To all the posters who say it's a gift..... what would you do if someone asked you to return something you has assumed was gifted?"

I wouldn't assume pregnancy clothes were gifted. Genuinely. What kind of 'gift' would someone's old clothes be!? I'd assume it's a loan as a. People only need them for a short amount of time and b. Most people have more than one child. I was loaned maternity clothes, I just gave them back straight after. I don't think anything was discussed. Same happened to me when I lent them to someone else. After the birth she asked if I wanted them back or wanted to charity shop them (both of us are finished!).

I think she should give them back. Even if she had an expectation of keeping them if she thinks about it you shelled out once to buy them, she got the use of them for nothing in her last pregnancy, so can she really expect that you would spend that kind of money again so she doesn’t have to spend at all? You buy on the double and she gets a free ride? Not a very nice attitude.

I would always check by saying, “Do you want this back at a later date?”, and refuse the item if they said yes. In the unusual event that I assumed I was being gifted something, then got the request to hand it back, I’d express surprise but give it back if I still had it and it was still serviceable (while making a mental note to NEVER accept a single thing from that person again). If I had thrown it out or passed it on and couldn’t return the item, I’d be annoyed at being put in the position of having to confess. Jeez, if I kept every single item that had been passed on to me over the years I’d be tunnelling through stacks of crap.

I think you are totally reasonable to expect them back OP! In fact I’m quite shocked by all the responses on here saying you should have specified they were a loan. I’m very shocked that your friend didn’t immediately offer them back when she found out you were pregnant. Or at the very least when you asked. What’s the point of being friends with someone if you are not kind to them?

I gave (loaned)

These are two completely different things.

Yabu to expect a gift back.
Yanbu to hope she would offer

Maternity clothes are different from normal gifted clothes because you only wear them for a set amount of time! I don’t get why other people don’t get this?!!

Of course the clothes should be returned. She's being extremely cheeky. Good luck!

Have only read page 1 but I disagree with most - it doesn’t matter whether it was a loan or a gift. How this would work in a normal friendship is that the person with the clothes would proactively offer them back whatever the original deal (and would not have passed them on to others without checking with you first that you def didn’t want them back)

You're not been unreasonable, she's taking advantage of your kindness.
Even if at first she believed you'd given them to her once she heard you were pregnant too she should've had the manners to offer them back to you.
A good friend and indeed a decent person would have valued your friendship more than clothes and wouldn't have got snooty when she replied to your request. If she can't afford to buy a maternity wardrobe
She could've said she'd misunderstood and opened a conversation about what's best to do rather than go on the defence.

I think it’s perfectly obvious maternity clothes are for that pregnancy while the owner doesn’t need them, unless otherwise specified.

No, it isn't universally obvious. That's why you specify rather than relying on your own mindset, believe that your view is universal world view.

Even if you 'gave' them to me at the time you weren't pregnant I'd still give them back. Actually I'd even have offered them back first when I found out you were pregnant. Disappointed as I'd be because they're expensive. Yanbu your friend is x

Surely most people, if asked, would just return? By all means be pissed off about it, but it would be incredibly cheeky to keep the clothes now you've been asked to return them?

This. Most people would offer it back anyway. Unless it was given as a birthday or Christmas present it was clearly just a favour to let you wear them and they should be returned. It's the same thing with baby clothes if they unexpectedly have another baby assuming you still have them you return them.