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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To make it clear I am not rich

172 replies

chatnicknameyousuggested · 08/02/2019 06:28

I live in a poorish country in Europe. I have a very good job, but I only work part time and am not allowed to take on any other work. I am quite highly paid for here, but I am also a widow (no widow's pension as I never married), have two children and am a single parent. I am not complaining at all, I am comfortable, but just one trip back to the UK is a drain on finances. I go back quite a bit as it's important for my children to have a close relationship with their cousins.
I have a friend who has a decentish salary for this country, also a single mother, but who works very part time as she is big into political activism. That's fine, that's not the issue.
What is the issue is that I am sick and tired of her little comments about how rich I must be. Constant little digs about she's too poor to X, while it's OK for me, I am her rich friend etc.
I was at a restaurant last week and she passed by, came in and I invited her to sit down and eat something. She spent the entire meal saying how lucky she is to have such a rich friend (I am NOT), who was paying. It was so embarassing. Each time she ordered something she'd ask me if it was OK, as she was too poor to pay. It sounds bizarre, but it was awful.
Anyway, these comments have been going on for a few years now, and I have so far been able to ignore them.
She has written a book, which I simply don't want to buy. I would, but I am sick of texts about how her rich friend (me) won't buy it. It's really only a few quid, and otherwise I would have bought it, but at this dinner she made a lot of comments about how rich middle class civil servants refuse to support their working class friends of old.
After 3 days of "jokey" texts about my lack of solidarity buying this book, I finally snapped and told her to put a sock in it about my financial situation which she knows nothing about. She has spent the last two days crying and leaving me tearful messages about how she didn't mean to upset me.
Well done if you got to the end of this! I don't know what my AIBU is. I am just sick of snarky comments about my life which she really knows nothing about.

OP posts:
Original poster
chatnicknameyousuggested · 09/02/2019 17:52

@Jimdandy
My children' father died a short time ago. I can call him what I like. Look at your message and your nasty emojis and please go away.

OP posts:
GCAcademic · 09/02/2019 17:58

Oh, fuck off Jimdandy. What a nasty thing to post.

ShelleyMae · 09/02/2019 17:59

Just don’t bother with her anymore

WhereYouLeftIt · 09/02/2019 18:00

That is one huge virtue-signalling chip-on-the-shoulder issue she has.

"She has spent the last two days crying and leaving me tearful messages about how she didn't mean to upset me."

IF - and it's a big "if" - IF I wanted to stay friends with her (and I think you do) then I'd have a face-to-face with her. Confirm to her that yes, she has upset you. I'd ask why she keeps referring to me as her 'rich' friend, and whether she considers me a friend at all or merely as someone she thinks is rich. I'd hammer it home to her just how much this 'rich' sniping is getting you down, and that you don't want to hear it ever again, ESPECIALLY in the truly shitty way she's been doing in cafes. Because it is shitty. Really shitty behaviour. Rude, manipulative, sneering, shitty behaviour.

And if she ever - EVER - pulled this stunt on me again, I'd know that she really wasn't my friend and never see her again.

WhereYouLeftIt · 09/02/2019 18:02

Oh and as for "DS says he will dump me as a mother if I invite her to dinner again."

That's a teenage boy's clumsy version of supportive behaviour. I think it's sweet of him.

LuckyLou7 · 09/02/2019 18:04

@Jimdandy posting laughing emoticons when a woman has lost the father of her children is unbelievably crass.

Playmytune · 09/02/2019 18:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn as it quoted a deleted post.

RumpoleoftheBaileys · 09/02/2019 18:14

@Jimdandy - reported, you truly vile person.

You should be ashamed.

Aridane · 09/02/2019 18:20

OP - take some comfort from the fact that however awful your friend is, at least she isn't as unspeakable vile as Jimdandy

Aridane · 09/02/2019 18:21

PS Love your DS's comment - it made me smile

Original poster
chatnicknameyousuggested · 09/02/2019 18:23

@Aridane
I was just feeling incredibly fond of my friend! She may be a pain in the arse but she would never say anything so awful. I might buy a few more books from her. I might send them to Jimdandy and the other PP who mentioned my marital status.

OP posts:
brizzledrizzle · 09/02/2019 18:26

Maybe she thinks that you have a widow's pension or a life insurance payout?

Original poster
chatnicknameyousuggested · 09/02/2019 18:31

She knows I haven't, we have discussed that several times. Thank you though!

OP posts:
Original poster
chatnicknameyousuggested · 09/02/2019 18:33

In fact, one of the things I am getting involved in now (I work in law) is a test case about this very issue: unmarried couples pension rights.

OP posts:
Shimy · 09/02/2019 18:33

I thought OP's ds's comment was very funny. Some people need to get a sense of humour.

RandomMess · 09/02/2019 18:33

Geez I cannot believe the horridness about you not being a widow as if your long term partner of 15+ years is meaningless and both you and your DC won't be suffering ConfusedAngry

Ask your friend how she would feel if you always referred to her as a "naive political wannabe" or something similar...

Original poster
chatnicknameyousuggested · 09/02/2019 18:37

@RandomMess
That's not my friend! That's two mean spirited PPs. My friend may be a pain, but she wouldn't say that.
My friend is standing for local office, so in a few years she could be in a position of power, in which case I will be pressing my nose up to café windows :)

OP posts:
RandomMess · 09/02/2019 18:49

I know it was awful posters, just so vitriolic of them I had to comment!!!

I hope you friend listens and starts just referring to you as "her good friend"

Original poster
chatnicknameyousuggested · 09/02/2019 18:50

Ah, I see! I work in law so I quite fancy "my learned friend" :)

OP posts:
mywigwamneedsnewflaps · 09/02/2019 18:55

I had several lovely polish men working with me a couple of years ago but after some time they kept mentioning how rich I was , I'm not , but I am a business woman who's tools happen to be working capital, it really grated when they kept on and on about it , I think they were more proud to be involved in part of the business than envious as they all had aspirations to run a similar business themselves but even so to be constantly told how wealthy i was , was frankly embarrassing and unnecessary.
When the work they were doing came to an end I didn't ask them to do more ( they were self employed ) I was very disappointed it had to come to this as they were great but I just couldn't take the constant comments anymore

GinghamStyle · 09/02/2019 18:59

I think if you make your friend aware that when you think of you and her, you see yourselves as friends and as equals. You don’t see that she’s any lesser to you because she earns less, not that you’re any better than her because you earn enough to be able to afford meals out etc. Tell her that you enjoy her company and her friendship, but she really must stop this “rich friend” “poor friend” business. I think she’s glad of your generosity but is also awkward (hence the reoccurring reference to you being rich) because she knows that aspect of your friendship is one-sided.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 09/02/2019 19:28

My friend is standing for local office

If you mean political office she'd probably be very good at it, given the self indulgence, virtue-signalling and the inclination to spend someone else's money

Like others I'd tell her - just once. politely but in words of one syllable - exactly how unpleasant she's being, then leave it in her hands. I'd also ignore snivelling about "how upset she is" and await something rather better ... and if it didn't come, I'm afraid that would be the end for me

Meowandthen · 09/02/2019 20:10

I don’t understand why you haven’t pointed out that you aren’t wealthy any of the other times she has said that you are. Why would you let someone carry on thinking that if it isn’t true?

Original poster
chatnicknameyousuggested · 09/02/2019 20:12

I mentioned before, I have, but in a half hearted way. I should have been firmer long ago.

OP posts:
TriciaH87 · 09/02/2019 22:24

If she has a book thats on the shelves its either a decent seller to be published making her money or she had the funds to publish it herself. Sounds like shes playing the poor card for pity to guilt you in to funding her. Personally i would tell her to mind my finances. Point out you are not rich but unlike her you must be able to budget better.

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