To make it clear I am not rich

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I live in a poorish country in Europe. I have a very good job, but I only work part time and am not allowed to take on any other work. I am quite highly paid for here, but I am also a widow (no widow's pension as I never married), have two children and am a single parent. I am not complaining at all, I am comfortable, but just one trip back to the UK is a drain on finances. I go back quite a bit as it's important for my children to have a close relationship with their cousins.
I have a friend who has a decentish salary for this country, also a single mother, but who works very part time as she is big into political activism. That's fine, that's not the issue.
What is the issue is that I am sick and tired of her little comments about how rich I must be. Constant little digs about she's too poor to X, while it's OK for me, I am her rich friend etc.
I was at a restaurant last week and she passed by, came in and I invited her to sit down and eat something. She spent the entire meal saying how lucky she is to have such a rich friend (I am NOT), who was paying. It was so embarassing. Each time she ordered something she'd ask me if it was OK, as she was too poor to pay. It sounds bizarre, but it was awful.
Anyway, these comments have been going on for a few years now, and I have so far been able to ignore them.
She has written a book, which I simply don't want to buy. I would, but I am sick of texts about how her rich friend (me) won't buy it. It's really only a few quid, and otherwise I would have bought it, but at this dinner she made a lot of comments about how rich middle class civil servants refuse to support their working class friends of old.
After 3 days of "jokey" texts about my lack of solidarity buying this book, I finally snapped and told her to put a sock in it about my financial situation which she knows nothing about. She has spent the last two days crying and leaving me tearful messages about how she didn't mean to upset me.
Well done if you got to the end of this! I don't know what my AIBU is. I am just sick of snarky comments about my life which she really knows nothing about.

The teenager was just saying that because the friend was being tedious company. Which she was, by any measure. That doesn't make the teen an unpleasant person FGS.

OP, it's not clear if you actually really like your friend and enjoy her company when she's not banging on about your finances. If so, and she's been a real friend when you've needed one, then it's worth giving her a chance and telling her that you value her, but you are sick of all the comments about you being rich; that it isn't actually true given various expenses you have, and if she cannot stop with this you will have to end the friendship. Because it cannot continue like this. For an idealist and philosopher, she is showing a complete lack of understanding and empathy about the lives of other people.

Yeesh, how you haven't given a big sigh and announced "GIVE IT A FUCKING REST, BRENDA!" by now is beyond me.

She exhausts me and I have only read about her! She won't change and you don't seem to be compatible, do just slowly phase her out.

I'm also in Forrin and know how financially draining visiting the UK can be

Wow - as a PP said, some really humourless, 'offended' posters on here!
Your teenager is 'a knob' - for making a jokey comment
You can't call yourself a 'widow' as you haven't been married - disregard any years of being together, kids etc
It's your fault for letting it gt to this stage - the one in which you 'snap' and she/you say things you don't mean (or rather DO mean, but maybe shouldn't say)

Fgs, the OP is just having a rant. It's done now - CF friend will probably think twice about freeloading off you, and maybe have a think about how her comments and attitudes come across to someone who is supposed to be her friend!
Job done.

If you read my earlier posts you will see that I said that she would do anything for me or the DC. Especially in a crisis. I also said that her book was very clever.
I don't think I am making myself sound heroic in this.

I will buy her book. I just want to buy it without the snide comments.

Oh for God's sake, I can't believe the people who are accusing you (and your son!!) of being nasty. She sounds very wearing - but also a bit entitled so you might be better off dropping her gradually rather than immediately. She could be someone who'll turn nasty if she decides you're part of the establishment that needs to be cleansed.

Start putting on a poor mouth whenever you see her. Don't invite her to sit down with you when you're out, just pretend not to see her. If she does sit down, say you came out without your purse and were lucky to find a bit of money in a pocket. Lie to her face.

How bizarre? I couldn't imagine a grown woman saying things like 'oh look a credit card, my rich friend this, my rich friend that'... Ditch her. She sounds embarrassing.

If you read my earlier posts you will see that I said that she would do anything for me or the DC. Especially in a crisis. I also said that her book was very clever.

But it kinda feels like you're only keeping her sweet for the just in case scenario where you need her in a crisis. Don't you have better friends who would help in a crisis but jot be so weird draining all the time day to day?

Depends on the dynamics here. Are you comparing yourself to someone who lives in a one bed flat in Kensington, London or someone who lives in a one bed flat in Blackpool ?

When you say a trip to UK drains your finances, Are you coming back to the UK with Ryanair or are you flying Business class with British airways?

You'll find that someone earning £1million a year will compare themselves as poor to someone earning £20million a year. And most people live paycheck to paycheck according to their income. Some have £5k mortgage a month and are struggling and some have £400 mortgage payments and struggle.

But it kinda feels like you're only keeping her sweet for the just in case scenario where you need her in a crisis.

I think that's a bit mean spirited. It can be incredibly hard to ditch someone over what is essentially an annoying character trait when they've shown genuine loyalty in the past, especially if you're one of those people like OP seems to be who is quite generous and empathetic in general. My mum is always ending up in what to me like parasitic relationships because "she was so kind when I had that awful bug in 1989 and she took you to the park so I could sleep, and made a lasagne".

However, to be equally mean spirited, I wonder whether this friend's past generosity has been motivated by a desire to keep her "rich friend" on side and keep her favour books in the black.

Impossible to say without having met her, she might just be a genuinely well meaning person with zero social skills. I've met people like that. But fucking hell OP, she sounds totally exhausting.

I'm interested too to hear whether this is a cultural thing? You say this is your and your late partner's culture, so you'd presumably not be reacting like this if it came with the territory - does it embarrass everyone around her when she pulls this "rich friend" act?

And most people live paycheck to paycheck according to their income. Some have £5k mortgage a month and are struggling and some have £400 mortgage payments and struggle.

But it's nobody else's business if you have more money than they do, it doesn't mean you owe them anything, or are guilty for having more money.

It actually doesn't matter how rich or poor you are and who are you comparing yourself with! Friends don't do this, regardless of country and culture. She's out of line and rude and she should be told so. It's common sense

Oh, and I agree that coming and sitting in a cafe / restaurant and then baldly saying "I have no money" is 100% done in the expectation (especially based on past experience) that you'll buy her something, and the immediate subsequent references to your perceived wealth are to make sure you feel mean if you ever decide to say "fair enough, take a seat anyway while I enjoy my coffee, how are you?"

I'm quite surprised by the lack of empathy in these replies.

If she has called you in tears apologising then surely you must accept her apology?!

We're all on a journey and some people need the feedback of peers to see themselves how they really are.
She probably thinks she's being clever by pointing out differences but actually it's just crass.

You've told her how you feel, now let her show she can respect your friendship by acting more appropriately.
I would not be throwing away a friendship without giving her a chance.

Greece?

I am not an expat, my family is from here although I was born in the UK.

But to her you are a 'rich Brit'

TBH its a cultural thing, we don't know the country, we cant say

O/T did you ever see a programme, cant remember its name (helpful) but they took a number of black people and DNA'd them to do their ancestry, in the light of the slave trade, they have no ability often to go back further then 200 years. So this one lady, who actually was a uni student from what we in Britain would call a poor socio-economic background, her DNA pinpointed a village in Sierra Leone. So the TV company took her there, they welcomed her as family because she had a connection, and almost instantaneously they were asking her for money , to foster their children through the British education system, to sponsor older children and get them jobs. They had absolutely no qualms in asking for these 'favours' from 'family'. See, that is shocking to us in Britain but not in other cultures.

So to reinforce, I have no idea whether your friends is cheeky or perfectly normal, whether you have integrated into your parents culture or whether you still stick out like a British sore thumb!

It's really not about money, it's not about who earns what. It's just the constant digs and comments.
I would say I am pretty integrated, and I also look like I'm from here. You wouldn't know from my accent, for example.
Interesting what you say about DNA. It isn't that culture here though.

Plain that doc sounds interesting. I remember a few years back I heard through a friend of a guy who had moved over from Bangladesh and was being badly exploited by his employer. I arranged for him to get a job at my company (delivery driver), same job but compliant working conditions, and to be honest it was a nightmare. The requests didn't stop coming. He wasn't well, could I find him a doctor? His manager wanted him to work this Saturday but he didn't want to, could I speak to her? He had mould in his room and his landlord wasn't sorting it out, could I speak to him? He didn't like this job, could I get him a job in the finance department (!)? I did what I could to guide him (with doctors, how to complain about landlord, etc.) but I confess I ended up wishing I'd never got involved. My friend met him because he'd somehow been stranded on a random road in Bangladesh and this guy had been driving past, stopped to ask if he could help, then invited my friend to hop on the back of his motorbike and taken him back to his place, fed him and let him stay in his home for the night. Total unquestioning saintly generosity to a complete stranger, unquestionably an amazing guy, but it just didn't translate culturally.

I am going to go against the grain here and say you come across as a bit judgey and superior. The last line of your original post says 'she knows nothing about your life' why not? What ki d of a firend.kniws notbing about your life. Just list out the first few you paragraphs. She would know then.

And you gestured for her to come into the cafe, sit and have something to eat. I get her 'too poor' comments were a little grating but at least she asked before she ordered. She didn't order a zillion expensive dishes and Chateau Lafite and tell the waiter 'I'm filling my boots, rich bitch is paying'

Glad you are going to buy the book. It's not about the price, your friend is upset at the lack of support. I recently bought a friends poetry book, I am not a poetry fan and may struggle to read it (which I told her) but I wanted to show support. I have also supported a friend by going to see their 'am dram' production when no one else could make it. It's what you do.

You have said something now and the fact she is upset and has left messages paves the way for a frank discussion. If you want to continue the friendship then tell her her comments are untrue and irritating.

I think if you value the friendship, then try and have one last conversation with her to clear the air, especially as she has apologised. But make sure you’re clear about everything, so you can move on without holding a grudge.
Very bizarre of her to tell a waiter, and in front of your other guests that her portion size depends on your wealth. If I knew my friend was offering to pay for a meal, I wouldn’t say “ooh, in that case supersize me!” And a large glass of champagne please!
Ask her not to refer to you as rich anymore, especially not in front of other people, as you wouldn’t refer to her as your “poor friend”. Ask her not to join you for meals if she can’t afford to pay towards it, as you’re not rich as she thinks. And remind her you bought copies of her previous book, so can she please stop asking you to buy this one too.

It's nothing to do with me paying at all. Nothing. PPs have made a big thing about it, but I haven't. I know I have more available cash than her and I don't resent paying at all. I just resent the digs.
She knows nothing about my life as regards finances.
I really don't think I am being superior. I don't mind paying I just want her to knock it off with the comments.

I don't think anybody is saying you're making a thing out of you paying. We are. Because to us, and I appreciate perhaps this is a cultural difference, she is a taking from your what she shouldn't, and she isn't even being gracious about it. You might bee happy to pay for her; our point is that she shouldn't be happy to take from you repeatedly for a luxury, especially not while being rude to you about the exact thing you're giving her.

Yes, it's the rudeness. I was always going to buy the book. Recent texts are:
"Is my rich friend going to buy my book?"
"As my richest neighbour, you could buy 20."
"Us poor people need rich people to be able to write our books".

It's all draining.

And that's exactly why I wouldn't buy the darn book put of principal. I simply would disengage if somebody tried to manipulate me like that.

Is it a cultural thing, do you think? I get the impression you're unwilling to tell us what country you're in which is fine but it is making it a little harder to understand what role culture may/may not have in this.

I am in a tiny country to the east of Europe. I have never posted where I live.
I really don't think it is cultural. I do think there is a bit of politics in there though.