To make it clear I am not rich

[chatnicknameyousuggested]

I live in a poorish country in Europe. I have a very good job, but I only work part time and am not allowed to take on any other work. I am quite highly paid for here, but I am also a widow (no widow's pension as I never married), have two children and am a single parent. I am not complaining at all, I am comfortable, but just one trip back to the UK is a drain on finances. I go back quite a bit as it's important for my children to have a close relationship with their cousins.
I have a friend who has a decentish salary for this country, also a single mother, but who works very part time as she is big into political activism. That's fine, that's not the issue.
What is the issue is that I am sick and tired of her little comments about how rich I must be. Constant little digs about she's too poor to X, while it's OK for me, I am her rich friend etc.
I was at a restaurant last week and she passed by, came in and I invited her to sit down and eat something. She spent the entire meal saying how lucky she is to have such a rich friend (I am NOT), who was paying. It was so embarassing. Each time she ordered something she'd ask me if it was OK, as she was too poor to pay. It sounds bizarre, but it was awful.
Anyway, these comments have been going on for a few years now, and I have so far been able to ignore them.
She has written a book, which I simply don't want to buy. I would, but I am sick of texts about how her rich friend (me) won't buy it. It's really only a few quid, and otherwise I would have bought it, but at this dinner she made a lot of comments about how rich middle class civil servants refuse to support their working class friends of old.
After 3 days of "jokey" texts about my lack of solidarity buying this book, I finally snapped and told her to put a sock in it about my financial situation which she knows nothing about. She has spent the last two days crying and leaving me tearful messages about how she didn't mean to upset me.
Well done if you got to the end of this! I don't know what my AIBU is. I am just sick of snarky comments about my life which she really knows nothing about.

[aariah08]

@brownjumper her PARTNER died. Do you really need to play samantics about the death of her partner, hardly the point??

[aariah08]

@FamilyOf Aliens, so it’s not okay for him to make a joke (even if you thinks it’s tasteless) but it’s okay for you to call a child a knob??? Seriously 😒

[aariah08]

Mumsnet make life easier by pooling knowledge, advice, support... apparently not. More like judgement, snide comments and nastiness. FFS I’m so fucking over this website. I would encourage anyone who actually wants some advice or insight to hop on to reddit instead. It is much better regulated and has far fewer snide awful arseholes trying to tear you down.

[DailyMailFuckRightOff]

‘You need to stop referring to me as your rich friend. It’s embarrassing’.
‘Is our friendship about money? No? Do not mention my financial circumstances again’.
At the cafe....’your rich friend only brought cash and is budgeting, so can’t afford to sub you this time’.
‘Oh, I forgot my purse’.
‘My credit card expired and it was becoming too much of a hassle so I have cancelled it’.
‘Am i your rich friend or your friend? If the former, then we are no longer friends at all. Drop it’.
‘Sorry, I can’t pay for you today’.
‘My son says he’ll disown me if I invite you to sit down so we’ll chat later’.

(The last is a joke....ish).

[Teacher22]

The words ‘political activist’ say it all. There is a part of the political left which tries to justify its attitudes with political philosophy but whose adherents are really just jealous, resentful, angry and bitter. They are delusionalists and think that it isn’t OK to attack anyone who is better off than they are. The victims of their ire are often, like you, not really richer than they are but are more prudent with their cash, better managers or work harder or longer hours.

I was as poor as a church mouse growing up but worked full time and exhausting hours - as did my DH. After many years we had a house on a mortgage and were no longer in the red every month. For some jealous friends and family who wasted their money on ephemera it was as if we had been left a fortune by a rich relative. The snide, ‘ You’re rich,’ comments started and never stopped. Even our poor children were bullied by being called rich and ‘lucky.’

I am afraid that, though we put up with the comments, the jealous friends and family never got over their envy and gradually distanced themselves - even though they became better off themselves as everyone does who keeps working.

It has made me very wary about the political left and, on examination, I find much of its dogma based on the rationally unjustifiable. It is a faith based on setting one neighbour against another and on creating and maintaining resentment in adherents to keep them keen and unable to think for themselves.

I feel very sorry for your friend as her beliefs have made her into a toxic person but she will not change so I should drop her. What sort of ‘friend’ pretends their own pals are rich, makes them pay for things and is then ungrateful for their generosity on the grounds that they are ‘rich’?

[Teacher22]

Sorry, is OK, not isn’t OK. Dratted predictive text!

[certainlymerry]

@Teacher22.
Exactly right.

[Teacher22]

Thank you, certainlymerry, I expected to be flamed!

[PurplePenguins]

If she is that bothered about being broke, then she needs to get up off her arse and work a bit more than very part time and earn some more money. Then maybe she'll be rich like you OP.

[woollyheart]

Do you think that she is like this with everyone? So has lots of 'rich' friends, and this is her normal way of speaking.

I wouldn't like it either. It sounds extremely embarrassing. Maybe she will take that on board now that she knows you are upset.

I would buy one copy of her book, and read it and discuss it. It is important to her.

I would not buy more than one copy because that is feeding into her narrative that you are 'rich' and can patronise her.

[Muddyslippers]

I think it’s really difficult to comment because we can’t fully experience the context. There is often a role for people to support people who are trying to change things politically (as long as they really are doing that, not just pissing around). However, on any level, the going on about you being rich thing sounds infuriating. As some of the other posts say, you do need to tell her to stop, go through what that looks like and try it out. Good luck. As a single mum I know how important those people who will help at the drop of a hat are.

[chatnicknameyousuggested]

I am quite sure she only does it with me. I appreciate her activism. Like I say, she is always there in a crisis, and I know that she really does walk the walk about working for change.
The book is clever but incredibly dense, and I do suspect there may be a bit of virtue signalling in it. Having said that, she gets up at the crack of dawn to do good works when I am still in bed.

[Puzzledandpissedoff]

The words ‘political activist’ say it all. There is a part of the political left which tries to justify its attitudes with political philosophy but whose adherents are really just jealous, resentful, angry and bitter. They are delusionalists and think that it's OK to attack anyone who is better off than they are. The victims of their ire are often, like you, not really richer than they are but are more prudent with their cash, better managers or work harder or longer hours

Beautifully put

[Sparklynails7]

Why did you pay for her meal? Do you often pay for her or give her money? If so then STOP. She sounds resentful and she's using you. That's not a friend. Keep her at arms length or ditch her compl3.

[Jsmith99]

Well said Teacher22. Too many people on the left resent success, hate self-reliance and object to ordinary working people bettering themselves. They want to keep people ‘in their place’ for their own political objectives.

[Nickpan]

you may have fed her issues, by buying 5 copies of a her previous book.
Can she REALLY not afford to eat in a restaurant, when you describe restaurants as very cheap in that country? She really can't chip in for a cake and a coffee - but I assume she goes home where there's food she has paid for.
All seems odd. I had a friend who'd refer to me as Moneybags, and I finally snapped, and we never spoke again. Bollocks to him.

[Sparklynails7]

It seems like you're only her "rich friend" not her good friend. Friends don't care about money and wouldn't expect friends to buy them things. Tell her outright that you hate how obsessed she is with your finances. It's non of her business and you don't want to buy her book because you don't have time to read it. You have children to support.

Shes using you.

[Mumoflove]

This could be a cultural thing meant as a compliment. When I lived abroad I heard it quite often said to other people and meant to be something lighthearted and positive. Be gentle on your friend, she probably means well.

[lynxca16]

TBH life is too short to tolerate this type of toxic friend.
While I appreciate that you both go back some years, the constant snipping, digs and really cheek when coming into café/restaurant declaring to all she has no money leaving you with no alternative but to pay - isn't the actions of someone that gives any regard to you.
Good on you for telling her 'to put a sock in it' and don't give in to tears.

[Patroclus]

Send her away to Brighton with the rest of them.

[malificent7]

So instead of getting a proper job she makes snide comments about those that do and as a result earn good money. RIIIIIIIIIIGHT.
She's hard work op.

[StormySunshine]

OP, I am from Eastern European background and have experienced some of this attitude - in various ways. I have a really good friend and a cousin - I always pay for them when I invite/meet them out. It is due to the fact that the help they've given me over the years (before I started paying) has been immeasurable to me (my parents, legal help, everyday help, etc, etc). To me, it's a small and nice thing to be able to do, as I really don't think I could ever return their favours back and I believe all are good with this. Had other friends and relatives - not that close - that were piggybacking on it. After a bit, I made a point of saying "this is for mine and so-so bill and tip" and leaving it to them to sort out. Had comments initially but at the end of the day it's my business how I spend my money. Thankfully, most of them got it and we're still ok. My friend (that I was paying for) made some similar comments to yours initially (not a lefty, very-anti, if anything). I had to tell him straight that I really didn't like those "jokey" epithets - and it stopped. So all I can say is, please be straight and honest about how she makes you feel (half-hints often don't work, especially with someone a bit socially-challenged) and see where it goes after a while. Good friends who are there when you need them are hard to come by and are worth giving as much chance as you feel you can. Good luck!