To make it clear I am not rich

[chatnicknameyousuggested]

I live in a poorish country in Europe. I have a very good job, but I only work part time and am not allowed to take on any other work. I am quite highly paid for here, but I am also a widow (no widow's pension as I never married), have two children and am a single parent. I am not complaining at all, I am comfortable, but just one trip back to the UK is a drain on finances. I go back quite a bit as it's important for my children to have a close relationship with their cousins.
I have a friend who has a decentish salary for this country, also a single mother, but who works very part time as she is big into political activism. That's fine, that's not the issue.
What is the issue is that I am sick and tired of her little comments about how rich I must be. Constant little digs about she's too poor to X, while it's OK for me, I am her rich friend etc.
I was at a restaurant last week and she passed by, came in and I invited her to sit down and eat something. She spent the entire meal saying how lucky she is to have such a rich friend (I am NOT), who was paying. It was so embarassing. Each time she ordered something she'd ask me if it was OK, as she was too poor to pay. It sounds bizarre, but it was awful.
Anyway, these comments have been going on for a few years now, and I have so far been able to ignore them.
She has written a book, which I simply don't want to buy. I would, but I am sick of texts about how her rich friend (me) won't buy it. It's really only a few quid, and otherwise I would have bought it, but at this dinner she made a lot of comments about how rich middle class civil servants refuse to support their working class friends of old.
After 3 days of "jokey" texts about my lack of solidarity buying this book, I finally snapped and told her to put a sock in it about my financial situation which she knows nothing about. She has spent the last two days crying and leaving me tearful messages about how she didn't mean to upset me.
Well done if you got to the end of this! I don't know what my AIBU is. I am just sick of snarky comments about my life which she really knows nothing about.

[chatnicknameyousuggested]

@brownjumper
I always refer and referred to my children's father as my husband. It's common here. Lots of people say it.
What would you say in the UK?

[chatnicknameyousuggested]

It's a kond of shorthand. It's not really relevant and would have made my post even longer.

[ThanosSavedMe]

I would go with my imaginaryCathasfleas idea. But if she continues then drop her

[Mummyoflittledragon]

Ok but how much would the publishing cost in relation to a plane ticket to the U.K. or to eat out? She’s not as dirt poor as she’s making out if she can afford this.

[whilethechiefputsshineonleith]

what country r u in op?

[Yulebealrite]

You've already snapped and she's upset. Talk to her properly now and lay your cards on the table. Give her one last chance then drop her if she does it again.

[Saracen]

I think that by snapping and telling her just how much her behaviour bothers her, you've solved the problem.

She's clearly sorry and still wants to be your friend. Now you just have to decide whether you want that. If you do, accept her apology and ask her never to mention your financial situation again. If you don't, tell her that it has just been too much and since she clearly feels that finances create a gulf between you, you'd rather not see her anymore.

[OnTheHop]

Instead of seething and snapping just say ‘you seem to think I am rich. Actusllly I am not and i feel exhausted by you keep mentioning it, so could we leave that out of the conversation, please?’

Be firm and direct.

[OnTheHop]

Oh, don’t be pedantic and de-railing, BrownJumper

[RubaiyatOfAnyone]

Your post seems to have brought out the humourless and point-missing quite well, so that’s a...plus?

I thought your DS’s comment was funny and actually quite supportive in a teenage-boy way too - he’s obviously not happy with how your “friend” treats you.
In the UK we tend to say partner for unmarried, but if mine died i would use the word widow too. The state of loss is the same.
FWIW i spent some time in Cyprus where political activism is v.strong in some of the young people, and although i didn’t get on the receiving end of it myself very much i know some longstanding friendships buckled under the weight of rhetoric v reality, and that might be what is happening here. What happens next is down to how forgiving and kind you can both bring yourselves to be, not just one of you.

[SinkGirl]

It sounds like underneath all this she’s a good friend - if you can have an honest conversation you may be able to salvage it. Is the gulf between your financial situations so large that you seem rich to her? Wealth is relative I suppose.

[YetAnotherSpartacus]

If you think she's worth it point out that you are both oppressed as women and as workers by the real enemy and that by making digs at you she is letting the real culprit get off scott-free. Further, point out that divide and conquor is a popular tactic of right wing facists and she's falling for it.

[VanGoghsDog]

Joking? But it’s not funny

Since when were teenagers funny?

[AnnaMagnani]

I am guessing you are a civil servant in a country which has a tradition of civil servants being seen as corrupt, well paid with large potential for kickbacks and a vast pension. You even admit that your field used to be corrupt but isn't now.

Even though your friend knows you share her political beliefs and hopefully doesn't think you are corrupt, I'd guess she is unable to put it out of her mind that you are sitting on a big salary (you do more hours than her too), possibly do have a widow's pension and has a historic view of patronage towards civil servants - the continual sponging off you in restaurants and cafes.

For all her activism and politics she may not even be aware how much she does it, or if she is just think she is entitled to exploit people on state salaries with no insight into their personal circumstances.

Whether your friendship will survive depends on whether you, and very much she, can now manage to talk to together on a person to person level and put all her baggage aside.

[Parthenope]

Good point about vanity publishing. How did she afford to publish the book see in as she’s living hand to mouth

You can self-publish now for next to nothing, though, using platforms like Amazon. Depending on how you do it, there may be no upfront costs at all, just the platform taking some of the cover price for each unit sold.

Now you just have to decide whether you want that. If you do, accept her apology and ask her never to mention your financial situation again. If you don't, tell her that it has just been too much and since she clearly feels that finances create a gulf between you, you'd rather not see her anymore.

I think this sounds perfectly reasonable.

[KrazyKatlady]

is it a conscious choice of hers to work "very part time" to free her time for political activism? If she has deliberately chosen this set up it is (even more) unreasonable to keep referring to you as the rich friend.

[DisappearingGirl]

I'd separate the two things personally. I'd buy her book as that would be a nice thing to do and she'd clearly love you to.

But I'd try and tell her straight that the constant comparison about money is getting you down and putting a strain on the friendship, and pull her up when she does it (I appreciate this is difficult especially when others are present)

[ChakiraChakra]

She doesn't sound like much of a friend to me. She's a freeloading git with a cup on her shoulder.

If I couldn't afford a restaurant meal (or even a tip) I wouldn't come in or sit down, and I wouldn't accept your offer to buy it for her. She's been playing you - now she's wailing because the gravy train looks like it's drying up.

[ChakiraChakra]

I meant a chip, not random crockery on her shoulder 😁

[Sukochicha]

she has isssshhhhhooooos

Why bother to see her or have any contact with her when she makes you feel bad?

[DarklyDreamingDexter]

She sounds like a complete user. Saying things like 'I don't know if I can have a big portion, it depends on whether my friend will pay' is absolute cheeky fuckery. She is putting you in a very embarrassing position to guilt you into paying for her. That's not a friend, that's a leech. A real friend would not do that.

I'm totally with your DS! He sounds as if he has his head screwed on and can see right through her - even if it was a jokey comment.

Seriously, block her and don't respond to her messages. Don't invite her into a cafe if she sees you in there. As you say, she has no idea about your financial situation so is making huge assumptions. Even if you were rich, it's really not on. Don't be guilted into buying her book either, you're not being petty, it's just one more example of her being a user and a taker. Who needs that in their life? Get rid!

[PlainSpeakingStraightTalking]

TBH with you, these posts are so devoid of any information. We are expected to adjudicate on, for want of a better phrase, British standards of social behaviour, which are not world wide behaviour traits. This is a British site, we will put British values on posts.

Many many countries would see a British expat (or his widow) as 'rich' or 'wealthy'.

You obviously know whether referencing money is normal in your culture, we however do not.

[chatnicknameyousuggested]

I have mentioned it to her before, in a half hearted cowardly way. However after the restaurant and some texts about how her rich friend hadn't bought the book yet, I did explain my feelings by text.
Yes, here there has been a lot of political unrest and corruption in the last 50 years, but that has changed. It's a bit insulting to be thought of as a part of that.

[ShowMeTheKittens]

This is another country so I do not know if it is a cultural difference?Of course it is kind of you to buy her coffees and meals. I'd ask why you spend time with her if you do dislike her?
Because you sound like you cannot stand her.
Also you have put this entirely from your point of view so of course many will advise dumping her.
You have clearly upset her, but again you have made yourself sound heroic and her sound a loony.
tbh I am unsure who has the problem here, you or her because you are so clear about you being so great and her being so terrible.
Stop hurting her, please, I do read guilt here as well.

[chatnicknameyousuggested]

I am not an expat, my family is from here although I was born in the UK. I have lived here for many years and my husband was from here also. I see what you mean, but I am not seen as an expat widow. Even if I was, it's not her business, I don't think.
Like I said, I have a comfortable salary but also lots of costs. I am not rich at all by UK standards, but by here I am (if I worked full time).
I don't know what more information I can provide. It's absolutely not about money, it's about a friend constantly harping on sbout it.