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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To make it clear I am not rich

172 replies

chatnicknameyousuggested · 08/02/2019 06:28

I live in a poorish country in Europe. I have a very good job, but I only work part time and am not allowed to take on any other work. I am quite highly paid for here, but I am also a widow (no widow's pension as I never married), have two children and am a single parent. I am not complaining at all, I am comfortable, but just one trip back to the UK is a drain on finances. I go back quite a bit as it's important for my children to have a close relationship with their cousins.
I have a friend who has a decentish salary for this country, also a single mother, but who works very part time as she is big into political activism. That's fine, that's not the issue.
What is the issue is that I am sick and tired of her little comments about how rich I must be. Constant little digs about she's too poor to X, while it's OK for me, I am her rich friend etc.
I was at a restaurant last week and she passed by, came in and I invited her to sit down and eat something. She spent the entire meal saying how lucky she is to have such a rich friend (I am NOT), who was paying. It was so embarassing. Each time she ordered something she'd ask me if it was OK, as she was too poor to pay. It sounds bizarre, but it was awful.
Anyway, these comments have been going on for a few years now, and I have so far been able to ignore them.
She has written a book, which I simply don't want to buy. I would, but I am sick of texts about how her rich friend (me) won't buy it. It's really only a few quid, and otherwise I would have bought it, but at this dinner she made a lot of comments about how rich middle class civil servants refuse to support their working class friends of old.
After 3 days of "jokey" texts about my lack of solidarity buying this book, I finally snapped and told her to put a sock in it about my financial situation which she knows nothing about. She has spent the last two days crying and leaving me tearful messages about how she didn't mean to upset me.
Well done if you got to the end of this! I don't know what my AIBU is. I am just sick of snarky comments about my life which she really knows nothing about.

OP posts:
DarlingNikita · 08/02/2019 11:54

She's got a major chip on her shoulder and I'd ditch her.

Yulebealrite · 08/02/2019 12:03

She probably thinks you have more money than you do. Tell her straight and tell her she's ruining your friendship by constantly mentioning it, Give her one last chance then dump her.

ChakiraChakra · 08/02/2019 12:07

That kinda just confirms to me that I'd tell her to take a hike.

HoraceCope · 08/02/2019 12:13

She benefits from others riches, people to buy her books, and you to pay for her meal!
what does she want?
she sounds so annoying.

Bluntness100 · 08/02/2019 12:17

God some of the responses on here. Your sons a knob and his joke wasn't funny, I mean seriously 🤪

Anyway op, I think everyone gets the issue, even if they are just feeling shitty and looking for someone to attack.

I'd challenge anyone to not find your friend annoying, just tell her you care for her a lot, like her company but thr comments on your financial situation needs to stop or it will end the friendship.

BejamNostalgia · 08/02/2019 12:39

So you’re in one of the Balkan states right? Believe me it is cultural. My family originated there. This sort of behaviour will be hugely more likely as you are a civil servant. Don’t forget that most people in these countries have lived through a civil war and experienced life under a dictatorship.

As a civil servant, you are in a position which in the past people would have had to cultivate, compliment and generally toady to in order to get even the most basic civic things done, it really does sound like a hangover from that and a desire to emphasise her inferiority to you and supplication to you.

Albanian’s are the absolute worst for this sort of thing, they will brown nose and flatter and debase themselves to social superiors but will treat social inferiors like shit unless they crawl over broken class to kneel down at their feet to flatter them.

QuimReaper · 08/02/2019 12:43

I understand, OP. It isn't about the money, it's about the naked manipulation. I can't think how she justifies it to herself in her head, but I suppose it's within the realms of possibility that she is unaware enough to need someone to tell her it isn't OK. I agree with a PP that if you value the friendship you could give her one last chance, but quite honestly, if it were me I wouldn't be able to see past it.

If you do decide to give her another chance, I'd be sure to be absolutely clear that her behaviour has been manipulative, and not mention the money. Otherwise I suspect the tune will change to "I can't afford to eat in this restaurant, oh but wait, I'm not ALLOWED to talk about money am I..."

halfwitpicker · 08/02/2019 12:45

Ain't nobody got time for that shit

Consolidatedyourloins · 08/02/2019 13:27

@FamilyofAliens

Joking? But it’s not funny hmm

I thought it was funny.

Kittykat93 · 08/02/2019 14:17

Don't buy the goddamn book!! She sounds weird and a complete pain in the arse.

Mmmhmmm · 08/02/2019 14:22

I would get rid personally, she's being incredibly rude and sounds exhausting.

Original poster
chatnicknameyousuggested · 08/02/2019 14:58

@QuimReaper
OMG that has crossed my mind! If she did that (and there's a chance she might try "I'm not allowed to talk about that", I would be really annoyed.

OP posts:
AnnaMagnani · 08/02/2019 15:50

BejamNostalgia I too instantly assumed this was cultural about civil servants in the Balkans.

She probably doesn't even know how much she does it or that it looks bonkers to someone who is a kind of outsider.

Caucho · 08/02/2019 16:01

I don’t know how you could be friends with such a person. Sounds like a female version of Citizen Smith. She might not have any money but that’s because she chooses not the work to be and activist. You’re nuts for being friends with her. Like someone else said calling you rich is actually an insult as she probably campaigns against the ‘rich’. The fact she accepts anything is doubly cheeky fuckery and she’s a complete hypocrite

hickerydickerydockmouse · 08/02/2019 17:09

She has helped you in the past as she thinks you are richer than her and her superior. I doubt it was from actual fondness for you. She kept mentioning that you are rich and asking you in order to manipulate you in paying. She thinks she is being clever by on one hand getting something off you and also make a underhand dig at you for being rich. I bet she is one of those people who think that they are poor and the world is unfair and owes them. She sounds very tiring and I would ditch her if I were you.

Original poster
chatnicknameyousuggested · 08/02/2019 17:21

No... she is a good person and would drop everything if I had a crisis. I am sure of that. She also is fond of my DC. I don't think I am fooling myself. Thank you though.
Funnily enough I just passed her in a taxi and we both waved at each other. I get a taxi about 4 times a year.
I wasn't waving like the Queen though.

OP posts:
Ruru8thestars · 08/02/2019 18:14

I would find this irritating

KC225 · 08/02/2019 18:19

'Hahaha Inwadnt waving like the bqueen though'. Fair dos OP that line is funny.

Just read your update after posting upthread - her draining comments. Yes, that must be really irritating. You have to say something.

Missingstreetlife · 08/02/2019 19:26

She upset you, now you upset her, you waved at each other today. You're even It seems ok now. If she does it again, or before if you want have a talk with her and say it's embarrassing and not ok. If she can't change you will,have to distance yourself.

firsttimemummy17 · 09/02/2019 16:05

Op - I haven’t read the whole thread but she sounds like the people from the country I come from, a country in Eastern Europe. If you are foreign, no matter where you come from, but particularly if you are western, you’ll always be viewed as wealthy. And generally for this reason foreigners are treated extremely well in restaurants, banks, hotels etc. So my view is that it’s cultural.

Jimdandy · 09/02/2019 17:20

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Aridane · 09/02/2019 17:45

I think the friendship has run its course

Aridane · 09/02/2019 17:46

You have the patience of a saint, both in relation to your 'friend ' and some of the snippier posts here

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 09/02/2019 17:48

I wasn’t waving like the Queen though

😂😂😂

LuckyLou7 · 09/02/2019 17:51

She doesn't sound as if she has any redeeming features, and the constant harping on about your apparent wealth, plus the cadging meals and expecting you to finance her buy buying her self-published book, would have me running for the hills. Surely you can see this woman brings nothing to your life but irritation? Cut her off. Live life surrounded by people that like you for who you are and not your perceived income.