To make it clear I am not rich

[chatnicknameyousuggested]

I live in a poorish country in Europe. I have a very good job, but I only work part time and am not allowed to take on any other work. I am quite highly paid for here, but I am also a widow (no widow's pension as I never married), have two children and am a single parent. I am not complaining at all, I am comfortable, but just one trip back to the UK is a drain on finances. I go back quite a bit as it's important for my children to have a close relationship with their cousins.
I have a friend who has a decentish salary for this country, also a single mother, but who works very part time as she is big into political activism. That's fine, that's not the issue.
What is the issue is that I am sick and tired of her little comments about how rich I must be. Constant little digs about she's too poor to X, while it's OK for me, I am her rich friend etc.
I was at a restaurant last week and she passed by, came in and I invited her to sit down and eat something. She spent the entire meal saying how lucky she is to have such a rich friend (I am NOT), who was paying. It was so embarassing. Each time she ordered something she'd ask me if it was OK, as she was too poor to pay. It sounds bizarre, but it was awful.
Anyway, these comments have been going on for a few years now, and I have so far been able to ignore them.
She has written a book, which I simply don't want to buy. I would, but I am sick of texts about how her rich friend (me) won't buy it. It's really only a few quid, and otherwise I would have bought it, but at this dinner she made a lot of comments about how rich middle class civil servants refuse to support their working class friends of old.
After 3 days of "jokey" texts about my lack of solidarity buying this book, I finally snapped and told her to put a sock in it about my financial situation which she knows nothing about. She has spent the last two days crying and leaving me tearful messages about how she didn't mean to upset me.
Well done if you got to the end of this! I don't know what my AIBU is. I am just sick of snarky comments about my life which she really knows nothing about.

[lunar1]

Please drop her, this is no way for a friend to behave. Don't ever let someone speak to and about you like that. I'm not surprised everyone was uncomfortable!

[HoraceCope]

Is this part of her political activism.
Buy one book or two
well done for telling her your feelings.
hopefully she will stop now.

[chatnicknameyousuggested]

DS says he will dump me as a mother if I invite her to dinner again.
Here the custom is that the bill payer pays, and the other guests put in for the tip. It worked out at about 20 pence each. It's fine not to chip in, no problem, but there's no need to say "I'm not like you lot (other guests work in same field as me), I can't put in tip money".
Honestly, nobody expected her to.

[Myimaginarycathasfleas]

" I don't know if I can have a big portion or not, it depends on my rich friend"

“Haha, no it doesn’t, it depends on whether you brought any money out with you!”

She is totally expecting you to subsidise her. Don’t do it.

[SileneOliveira]

She sounds like a nightmare, one of those eternal student types who has never grown up properly and is banging on with her leftie ideas which nobody else is interested in. (If they were interested, they'd be buying her book and they're not).

I couldn't be friends with someone like that.

[Parthenope]

You’re a mug where she is concerned, and she clearly doesn’t respect you for your generosity. And honestly, no one buys their friends’ self-published books.

[astuz]

I AM well-off and this would drive me mad! I've never had ANYONE behave like this with me.

She's weird. She must have some kind of political chip on her shoulder, and she's pigeon-holed you into that somewhere.

I agree with Silene - she needs to grow up.

[WomanWithAltitude]

Leaving the possible scrounging aside, it is incredibly rude to make assumptions about someone's finances and then constantly refer to them as 'rich / 'poor' etc. And given her leftie politics, calling you rich isn't neutral, it's a dig (I know a lot of people who are heavily involved in leftie politics and they see calling someone middle class as an insult). So she's been making constant digs at you on the basis of an assumption she's made. That isn't friendship.

[chatnicknameyousuggested]

The field I work in was notoriously corrupt a few years ago. I actually agree with a lot of her activism, but I am nowhere near as radical. I think deep down there is some political chip.

[WorriedMum11]

What a strange, draining and toxic friendship - actually you're not even friends.

[Barbarafromblackpool]

What silene said.

[certainlymerry]

Silene, I agree . I have a family member like this and it's so wearisome.

[Guineapiglet345]

As her book has only sold 11 copies I imagine it’s a vanity publishing thing in which case yanbu not to buy a copy.

I’d drop her, she sounds cringeworthy and tedious.

[chatnicknameyousuggested]

I gave the copies of the other book to family members. Nobody read it. I did. It was clever but heavy going.

[QueenieInFrance]

Why didn’t you tell before it became so much that you snapped?
Telling her that her comments were making you uncomfortable was never .
But I don’t understand why you waited to be so ressentful to do so. And Obvioulsy because of that, you snapped and phrased it in a way that was probably just as hurtful as she was with you.

The bottom line now is wouod be able to get over that ressentment?
If not, I’d GENTLY let her down and move on.
If you can, then up to you to reopen the communication lines and be a bit more assertive.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

She sounds like a drama queen and a reverse snob. Some people just need a cause. My take is these people aren’t grounded, don’t know who they are and latch onto a cause as a way of finding direction. Im pretty sure if she were very wealthy, she would find another cause.

It looks as though you’ve outgrown the friendship. You don’t need to keep seeing her. In your shoes, I would accept her apology, buy one copy of the book to get her off your case and distance yourself.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

Guineapig
Good point about vanity publishing. How did she afford to publish the book see in as she’s living hand to mouth?

[FamilyOfAliens]

DS says he will dump me as a mother if I invite her to dinner again.

So even your own child is a knob. I feel for you, OP.

[chatnicknameyousuggested]

@Familyofaliens
He was joking. He's a teenager. I thought that was obvious.

[Bangingdoors]

Could it be a cultural thing? If it's not the norm to earn the salary you do and be able to do stuff we take for granted like eat out or go on holidays, maybe this seems like a very grand lifestyle to her, something she's not experienced and wouldn't if it weren't for been friends with you? Maybe she genuinely feels lucky to have you as a friend and doesn't realise how inappropriate her comments are?

I would forgive her this time, I'd buy the book but make it clear things change moving forward.

[chatnicknameyousuggested]

I think vanity publishing is quite cheap here. It's very well produced, but it is a lot of work and very clever.

[FamilyOfAliens]

He was joking. He's a teenager. I thought that was obvious.

Joking? But it’s not funny

[chatnicknameyousuggested]

Eating out etc is pretty cheap here. What is a drain is visiting the UK. For example, a round of drinks in a British pub. I am quite well off for here, but I have costs that others don't.
We are from the same culture.

[brownjumper]

How can you be a widow if you've never been married? A widow is someone who was married but their husband died.....

[chatnicknameyousuggested]

@Familyofaliens
He's a teenager. It didn't upset me at all because I know it's a joke.