To ask my 18yo to pay towards house?

[moshpitmolly]

My daughter decided not to.go to.uni and started an apprenticeship. Sjlhe gets paid just over 200 per week and I have asked her to pay 20 per week towards house/bills etc. I also still pay her phone contract of 38 per month but have said that once it finishes she will need to pay for her own. I paid rent to my parents when I started working. So aibu?

You need to add up the household bills and divide it by the number of adults - that would be her 'fair share' of the bills. Clothes, mobile, leisure should all be paid for by her.

Im not saying ask her to pay that much, but it serves as a useful benchmark to show what a good deal she's getting.

Yes she should be paying her keep.

I lived with my in laws just after uni. We paid £20 a month. It's all they would accept! They didn't want us to pay anything, but I wouldn't have felt right paying nothing. But I guess 21 is slightly more mature than 18.

At that age I paid £60 a week and my own phone bill. I also bought my own toiletries (I would have been provided cheapies, but since I wanted better I had to buy it). I also bought all my own clothes. And the only thing I had done for me was washing (more because my parents found it more convenient to do The washing rather than trying to schedule in 4 teenagers to wash their own clothes).

My rent was based on what it would have been had I moved out (from memory, I think £95 per week plus food/extras/etc). I had a discussion with my parent and I set the amount and they were happy with it.

When I finished uni and was on job seekers it was 50% of that per week (I think about £30) and went back to £60 when I got a job.

She should be paying one third of her take home salary and also her phone etc.

My DS Is exactly the same as your DD, age 18, he earns £220 a week from an apprenticeship plus a further 50 or 60 from his very part time job at McDonald’s that he kept on.
I pay his mobile phone bill of £15 a month but he pays £20 a week to me too to contribute towards the utilities and food. He runs his own car and pays for his clothes and work / college lunches.
He grudgingly ok about it but will remind me that his friends on the course don’t pay as their parents consider them to still be in full time education. 🤷‍♀️

I wouldn't charge her anything. However, she is responsible for phone, buying and cooking food and doing all of her laundry. That is a lot more than £20 per week.

I think that's fair. I'd say when the contract runs out, she'll have to sort it out and pay for her own.

I teach apprentices. Many voluntarily contribute towards household expenses without being asked, because it’s the right thing to do. I am especially touched by those who recognise their parents have done a great deal for them and want to reciprocate. Others have clearly sat down and had a grown up conversation with parents. Your daughter sounds inconsiderate and selfish. Do her friends not have something to say about it?

Thanks everyone. I will sit down with her tonight and go through all the bills and also show her the tax credit statement and child benefit payments before and after her starting work, and the council tax bills. Hopefully, seeing it in black and white will make her realise rather than me just telling her.

She needs to set up a payment directly to your account every week.

I would absolutely stop doing everything for her. No more laundry, she buys her own food.

Start today, buy yourself a meal for tonight, cook it, pour a nice drink and when she says where's mine just say she's paid no rent so you couldn't afford it.

Yanbu. Part of being a parent is preparing a child for the real world. Living costs is part of this. For starters op stop paying the mobile bill. I think you need to sit down with dd and show her how much rent, bills, food costs. £20 is a contribution. I do agree with if childs working and not in education they should pay something towards the household. If you have alot of money and not bothered by this put money in saving account and return to child when they leave home (never tell them that).

I think she should be paying £50/week plus her phone bill, and she needs to be doing her fair share of chores too - do laundry, cooking a few times a week, making her own lunches and vacuuming etc too.

She could also do a food shop for the house once or twice a month as well.

Did you tell her you spent it on shampoo to wash her hair, food for her meals, bills to keep the roof over her head? The normal amount of "keep" suggested is a third of take home pay, so explain to her that she should actually be paying about £65 but is getting a generous discount. I assume she has a bank account? I would suggest helping to set up a standing order so she no longer forgets to pay. If she continues to complain, explain to her that she'll need to do her own food/ toiletry shopping and cooking from now on, she will soon realise where the good deal lies.

When I went to Uni at 18 a stayed living at home so missed out on accommodation grants. I paid £100 a week to live at home - this meant I had to go out and get two jobs to fit round uni work so £20 is not unreasonable at all (I was also paying me own phone bill)

You are being very fair with her, she may not like it, now she has grasped what it is like to work, and how hard most of us have to work to afford to live. We all have to pay our way st some time, this is a good place to start.
I would draw a line under the four weeks due, and start today, and then be sure every week that she pays on time every week or the phone is cut off. And follow through.

You sound like a very giving and kind parent, and now maybe the time to reign back the packed lunches etc, and encourage your dd to be independent.

You need to tell her that from the next month her phone contract is due will not be paying it. Nor will you be feeding her and that she needs to get food for her meals.
If she wants to use the washing machine tell her it's a pound a go to cover electricity conditioner and powder.
Start showing her rather than telling her the cost of living. Ok it doesn't include rent but it'll give her a good insight that she was on a good deal.

She's got jam on it then, hasn't she...

You do all her cooking and washing. You pay her phone bill of £38 a month? And she occasionally slips you £20 but even has the cheek to moan about it....

Madness.

What on earth is she spending £180 on per week? Or is she at least saving it?

I moaned about paying board. I was earning 80 a week when I started my apprenticeship and gave my mum 20 a week and had to pay for my own bus fairs etc. She went on estate agents on rooms to let and said there you go the cheapest on here is £60 per week for a single room where we live. Feel free to go love there and pay that plus your travel

I soon stopped moaning.

Now the rooms where we live are about 90 - 150 depending whether single or double. Bills generally included but still obv buy your own food and travel etc. Show her how much it costs to live alone she may have a change of view

Sadly as she earns over £195 she doesn't qualify for an apprenticeship discount on your council tax.

Yes, I would sit her down and show her all the benefits you lost, and the increased council tax bill.

Has she ever gone shopping with a list and a budget?

You are setting her up to fail in life as she has no life skills. She needs to do laundry, cooking, cleaning. She is an adult and needs to behave like one.

Maybe look at spareroom.co.uk to see what she would be paying locally for a room in a house. It will be a reality check for her.

I paid 15 a week to my parents in 1989!! You are not being unreasonable. Summarise how much worse of you are since she turned 18. List all tour costs that she benefits from. She can move out if she doesn't like it.

In an ideal world you’d be able to swallow the costs. You can’t. Take some time today to go over outgoings over the last year or less if too difficult and remember to include all costs. Then do the calculations with the current situation. Then explain if she doesn’t help now you will be asking her to leave to avoid bailiffs at the door. And this time ask for the actual amount needed. It sounds as though you are actually a bit frightened of her or at least of her reactions as you would have been able to ask for the actual amount required the first time around.

It does sound as though you have infantilised your dd somewhat. My dd is 10. I had an operation when she was almost 10 and another one last week and need some basic help with hygiene, getting things out from low cupboards etc. She actually offered help and is fine to put cream on my feet, back etc. The difference in maturity is actually quite staggering only 7 months on and I’m going to build on this.

I think it’s high time your dd started to adult a bit. I wasn’t taught anything by my mother. She was and is controlling and did everything for me. It didn’t do me any favours tbh. I really struggled with adulting.

Bragfest it sounds as though Greenkits dd has chosen to live with her rather than her dds father. This is more of a house share scenario as she has effectively left the family home. With choices come obligations.

Kalidescope
If you had a thread like this and you were struggling in the same way, shame on those posters. I hope you didn’t heed their “advice”.

She went on estate agents on rooms to let and said there you go the cheapest on here is £60 per week for a single room where we live. Feel free to go love there and pay that plus your travel

I think this is a good strategy. And I'd be charging her more tbh - you're part of the same household (and family!), mum shouldn't be struggling while she has £180 spare a week to wave around.

I do think she should be paying her own phone, but the problem is when you take them out you sign a credit agreement so if the OP refuses to pay it, it will most likely be her name that gets the bad credit listing.