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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask my 18yo to pay towards house?

158 replies

moshpitmolly · 07/02/2019 22:58

My daughter decided not to.go to.uni and started an apprenticeship. Sjlhe gets paid just over 200 per week and I have asked her to pay 20 per week towards house/bills etc. I also still pay her phone contract of 38 per month but have said that once it finishes she will need to pay for her own. I paid rent to my parents when I started working. So aibu?

OP posts:
Baby1onboard11 · 07/02/2019 23:56

This is the problem when teenagers grow up entitled, they kick off when they’re expected to be adults. I’d be charging a lot more. I’d also stop paying her phone bill! Transfer this into her name

Also stop making her lunches and doing her washing. She’s an adult, time to be treated as such. She might actually then be a bit more grateful for everything you do for her.

If she moves out, would you be able to cope op? Time to also think about maximising your own income

NorthEndGal · 07/02/2019 23:56

She needs to act like the grown up she is becoming. Time to have an honest talk about the real costs of running a house!

ADarkandStormyKnight · 08/02/2019 00:02

Draw up a household budget and take her through it. Stick to the expenditure. E.g. rent, utility bills, insurance, council tax, basic running costs. In my experience young people don't understand that bills actually have to be paid - every month! Or that cleaning materials, toiletries, loo rolls etc don't get thrown in for free with the food shop.

ADarkandStormyKnight · 08/02/2019 00:07

To be honest, I wish my parens had done this with me - its a life lesson. It's weird that we send young people out into the world expecting them to know this stuff.

JeezOhGeeWhizz · 08/02/2019 00:11

She sounds very ungrateful. She should pay at least 50. If she won't help out, I would tell her she's moving out. Not ask her. Tell her.

Greenkit · 08/02/2019 00:13

Charge her 20% of her wages and she can pay her own phone bill.

My daughter and I are currently living together (I have just split with her dad) she is 22 and earning £1300 a month, she has to pay half of the rent and bills and food £750 per month.

I don't have a choice

PyongyangKipperbang · 08/02/2019 00:20

I would ask her exactly why she thinks its unreasonable, agree with everything she says and then send her a link to local properties on spareroom.co.uk. Say that you understand that she would rather be independent and choose what to spend her money on and does she have a rough date on when she will be moving out......

Worked with DS and DD (who still tried to pull this shit despite her older brother trying to tell her she was getting a good deal and not to rock the boat)!

Butchyrestingface · 08/02/2019 00:20

I worked it out that I'm around 500 per month worse off since she turned 18/started working. I do all her washing, cooking etc, even make her lunch for work.

Why? Just stop. Stop paying her mobile either.

If £800 is her net pay, I’d say a £250-300 pm contribution is fine.

Shootfirstaskquestionslater · 08/02/2019 00:46

When I lived at home I use to give my mum £150 every month which was half my wages she probably lost a lot more than that when I hit 18 but that was all she asked for and I never argued about giving her money. Your DD either rips up or moves out I would be asking for more than £20 off her and stop paying her phone bill.

Aquamarine1029 · 08/02/2019 00:53

FFS, op. Stop treating her like a baby. She should be paying 50 a week, paying for her food and phone, and doing all of her own laundry including housework. You are doing her NO favours. You are doing nothing but promoting her immaturity.

KaleidoscopeEyes · 08/02/2019 00:56

I had a thread very similar to this a few years ago, and I was told that I was unreasonable asking for any rent at all! Even though I'm in a minimum wage job, 90% of posters said I was greedy and she was only a child!

PyongyangKipperbang · 08/02/2019 00:58

Kaleidoscope

The joys of the AIBU sheep....if the first says YABU then the rest baah along saying the same thing. One mob, one thought.

MumUnderTheMoon · 08/02/2019 00:59

You need to work out how much she is costing you being at home and charge her that. £200 a week is a good income. There is no reason for her to not contribute.

zzzzz · 08/02/2019 01:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MissedTheBoatAgain · 08/02/2019 01:28

To OP

Do you have any spare rooms? I will move in for £20 per week and my mobile paid.

At 16 in 1981 I had a summer job that paid £1.95 per hour. With overtime I sometimes took home over £90 per week (more than my father). Mother took £30 per week on basis that if there are three earners in the house then I should pay a third.

pineapplebryanbrown · 08/02/2019 01:42

In 1990 i used to take home £800 pcm. My parents took £650 pcm, i thought that was pretty outrageous so left home. In your situation I think £250-£300 pcm is fair as you are skint yourself.

Iseverynametaken · 08/02/2019 02:27

When I was an apprentice at similar age I was paying the Aus equivalent to 50 pound a week. Also paid my own expenses such a phone & additional things I wanted such as clothes/makeup etc and running of car. I understood why I was asked but of course at the time thought 'man this is so unfair!'. Looking back now I am greatful as unlike so many friends I went on to have no issues with managing money when it came to renting and then buying my home (had a real sense of money doesn't grow in trees) Setting in place money management skills to your kids as early as possible does pay off IMO

Tixywixy · 08/02/2019 03:20

It might be different if you were well off OP but it sounds like you really need this money. Your daughter also needs to learn budgeting and how much things really cost. From the experience of friends in this situation, where the adult children are allowed to keep all their wages, they just spend it on crap and don't have anything to show for it years later in terms of savings, cars or anything useful long term.

I'd agree it would be worth actually going through all the bills with your daughter so she can see how much extra you are paying as a result of her living with you. I'd also stop doing all the washing, cleaning etc for her. Really teens need to start looking after themselves. Mine are a bit younger and there's no way I'd be doing their packed lunches. And they occasionally do the cooking, tidying etc (about weekly).

WhentheRabbitsWentWild · 08/02/2019 04:43

@thighofrelief

I am not surprised you moved out . Wow . That was a hell of a lot your parents wanted off you from your salary Shock

Bragfest · 08/02/2019 04:52

Greenkit 750 is quite a lot to take from her! How is she supposed to save for her own place if she's paying that much? How would you be paying your own rent /bills if she wasn't there?

Really I think 20% is a fair amount. She should definitely pay her own phone bill.

I disagree about buying your own food. You end up with a uni situation where you are housemates labelling milk, instead of being family.

Buggeritimgettingup · 08/02/2019 06:11

My 'rule'is a third of what they're earning. Plus they do their own washing and pack up (and have done since age 11)
They still have to do chores and often do the odd extra without being asked, ie fettle the lounge
I pay their mobile (10 pet month) and include food ( they're happy to eat what I've planned and they often buy treats for everyone)
They're happy, we're happy and we all pull together

Di11y · 08/02/2019 06:33

I honestly think if she's being so ungrateful and not giving you the money you should look into how much a house share would cost her. £100 pw plus food, mobile etc??

She has a brilliant deal, and it's costing you a lot to have her living with you. I'm sure you'd rather she was, but she needs to understand. And she needs to set up a standing order to your bank for £20 the day after she gets paid.

personally I think £40 a week would be better. maybe you could save £20 of it for a deposit when she moves out.

PookieDo · 08/02/2019 06:46

I am watching with interest as this will be my situation soon, you lose all the additional help when they leave education and still have to pay the bills. I have been wondering what a reasonable contribution would be - £20 wouldn’t be enough for me. DD only has a £13.99 phone contract because I refuse to let her have an iPhone X with 8GB data. she can pay for her own if she wants that!
I would probably charge £50 a week...

dancemom · 08/02/2019 06:48

Contact your council and see if you are eligible for Apprentice Discount on your Council Tax.

Alternatively if it's just you and your dd In the home you may be eligible for Second Adult Rebate.

RhymesWithOrange · 08/02/2019 06:54

Why on earth are you babying her by doing all her laundry and meal prep? That should have stopped years ago.

£20 is more than reasonable. She should also pay for all of her personal expenses including her phone.

Stick to your guns OP, and if you have younger children then think carefully if you are setting yourself up for a similar situation with them as they grow up.

And lol at the poster who said put the money in a bank account for her. OP needs the money to live.

Tell your daughter if she doesn't start contributing your only option will be to move to a smaller, cheaper property where there won't be room for her.