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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Over 8s in the changing rooms

999 replies

HenweeArcher · 07/02/2019 20:19

I’ve started swimming just before swimming lessons at my gym recently as it fits in well with the crèche being quiet. I’ve noticed that no matter what day I swim, I can always count at least 2 or 3 boys who are almost undoubtedly over 8 (which is the rule) in the female changing rooms just before lessons. Sometimes they use the separate cubicles (there are a couple in the corners) to change themselves so are more than capable of changing alone! I’m aware that some boys might need extra support for whatever reason but I fail to believe that a handful every day at a small health club do.

AIBU to mention it to management? It doesn’t necessarily affect me a great deal as I’m fairly relaxed about nudity and don’t see it as my responsibility to all of a sudden start changing under a towel or anything but I do feel it’s unfair for younger girls to be put in this position.

OP posts:
nolongersurprised · 09/02/2019 09:22

“so I can see how much more was expected of my son than my daughter because I was able to go with her and provide help if needed when he just had to muddle through, or not go.”

but your daughter wouldn’t have needed help after the age of 8, surely?

BertrandRussell · 09/02/2019 09:23

Interesting assumprion that only women take their children swimming......

HalfBloodPrincess · 09/02/2019 09:31

I am a parent of both so I can see how much more was expected of my son than my daughter because I was able to go with her and provide help if needed when he just had to muddle through, or not go

But that’s your choice to help - you could and should expect her to be able to cope alone and treat the same as your ds.

And I’m sorry but I think I’m this situation you’d be expecting so much more of your daughter than your son by conditioning her that she should put up and shut up by allowing a male to take precedence. It may seem like such an insignificant thing but it’s the foundation of a lifetime of having to do it.

Weetabixandshreddies · 09/02/2019 09:33

but your daughter wouldn’t have needed help after the age of 8, surely?

Well, yes she did. Sorry if that upsets you. And as I said most of the girls who have swimming lessons at the same time as my aqua class have mums helping them and they are easily 10.

Interesting assumprion that only women take their children swimming......

I'm not assuming that at all. I've even raised what happens if a dad takes his daughter swimming.

More provision needs to be made for family changing rooms and family toilets.

BertrandRussell · 09/02/2019 09:34

Frankly, I would think I had failed as a parent if my NT physically able 8 year old was unable to get changed for swimming without help.

HalfBloodPrincess · 09/02/2019 09:35

More provision needs to be made for family changing rooms and family toilets

Definitely. But not at the expense of the single sex facilities. It’s all well saying ‘make them all unisex’ but that’s not the right thing to do. We still need single sex facilities as well.

birdiewoof · 09/02/2019 09:42

@wellhellothereall

Are you joking? There have been a few incidents local to me recently with boys being assaulted in public toilets. So I’ll keep my son safe thanks and crack on with offending you 👍

Weetabixandshreddies · 09/02/2019 09:43

HalfBloodPrincess

I haven't said that males should take precedence or that girls should put up with it.

I've said all parents should make a fuss for better family provision.

With regards to helping my dd - if I am in there with her and she asks for help, can't work the locker etc what do you suggest I should do? Tell her to ask someone else or go and find a staff member because that's what her brother had to do? Even though I am standing right there?

Why is no one telling the SD that he is wrong for taking the dd into the men's toilet because it is wrong to tell the boys in there that they don't matter?

The whole attitude is entirely different.

There is such a difference between what we expect from girls and boys. The expectation, as is shown on here, is that boys need to be independent, man up and deal with it whilst girls are being "mothered" more.

nolongersurprised · 09/02/2019 09:43

“Well, yes she did. Sorry if that upsets you. And as I said most of the girls who have swimming lessons at the same time as my aqua class have mums helping them and they are easily 10.”

We’re going in circles here. As stated previously, this in no way resembles my experience of children this age. That perfectly capable children have been infantilised to need help to get dressed past 8 (special needs notwithstanding) shouldn’t be an excuse.

Dothehappydance · 09/02/2019 09:44

Interesting assumption that only women take their children swimming......

For the purpose of the thread I have been talking as if I would take ds. In reality DH takes ds (the one with additional needs that no-one has solutions for) and we alternate taking DD (7).

But as I have already mentioned it is a moot point as ours is a changing village.

MsTSwift · 09/02/2019 09:44

Bertrand same. I helped with school swimming. All the 8 year old girls bar one were perfectly capable of showering changing etc without assistance. The one who wasn’t? My friends dd - my friend was also helping. This girl is perfectly capable but as mum was there didn’t “get on with it” like everyone else. Far too much molly coddling I think. Kids are more capable than some posters think. Frankly I think some parents like being needed.

Weetabixandshreddies · 09/02/2019 09:46

Frankly, I would think I had failed as a parent if my NT physically able 8 year old was unable to get changed for swimming without help.

And of the dad whose daughter won't go into a public toilet alone because she's locked herself in before? (Another thread running). He is being told it's absolutely fine for him to keep taking her into the gents.

Why has he also not failed because his daughter can't do that independently? And why is it ok for her to go into the gents?

nolongersurprised · 09/02/2019 09:46

“The expectation, as is shown on here, is that boys need to be independent, man up and deal with it whilst girls are being "mothered" more.”

You keep saying this and have even falsely attributed to me but I haven’t actually seen evidence of this on the thread. Maybe you’re projecting?

My youngest DD is 6, she is taken swimming by DH and navigates getting changed herself. My older 2 daughters were completely independent well before 8.

ThanosSavedMe · 09/02/2019 09:48

It really pisses me off when someone says that they are uncomfortable with their son changing in the male changing room with strange men. But it’s absolutely ok for young girls to have to put up with older boys in their changing room?

So you’re saying all men are paedophiles?

Weetabixandshreddies · 09/02/2019 09:54

nolongersurprised

But you are talking about squad swimmers in Aus.

The whole tone is that boys, from age 8 need to manage on their own, need to keep themselves safe around naked strangers, and that if they can't their parents have failed.

Meanwhile, girls should be able to but "I may as well help her as I'm there".

It's so odd. We teach our children not to talk to strangers, some people avoid sitting in a train carriage with a lone man yet it's perfectly ok for 8 year old boys to be naked alongside naked unknown males.

Weird world we live in.

ThanosSavedMe · 09/02/2019 09:54

I remember one time a dad tried to get into the female changing rooms with his daughter. At first I thought he was just mistaken about which room was which, but no, he knew it was the females, he was going there specifically as he didn’t want to take his dd into the men’s and it was right that she should be in there. He honestly couldn’t see anything wrong with him going in with his dd.

Weetabixandshreddies · 09/02/2019 09:56

ThanosSavedMe

What happened? Presumably she proceeded to use the female changing room on her own?

birdiewoof · 09/02/2019 09:56

No of course I’m not saying that however I’d rather not take the chance. That’s why we go to the pool with unisex changing.

RedCabbageStains · 09/02/2019 09:58

And of the dad whose daughter won't go into a public toilet alone because she's locked herself in before? (Another thread running). He is being told it's absolutely fine for him to keep taking her into the gents.

This was the case for my dd. She either went into the ladies by herself and didn’t lock the door (leaned a bag against it, held it with her foot, just risked it) or went in with a friend who held the door for her from the outside. When I was with her we did a lot of practicing different types of locks, until she was confident enough to use them. This was all at about age 8 and younger - it stemmed from getting locked in a cubicle in school when she was in Reception.

Which is a bit of a diversion - but my point is that you need to help children get over their fears, manage independently and know what to do if there’s a problem. Which is what she has to do when her dad takes her swimming.

Final point, my 10yo dd now refuses to use our local pool, because there are boys her age in the communal changing. She is too embarrassed to strip naked in front of them, whether they are staring / looking or not.

nolongersurprised · 09/02/2019 09:58

“Meanwhile, girls should be able to but "I may as well help her as I'm there". “

Please direct me to the posters who have said this. It’s odd, because you keep saying that this is what “people” are saying, yet it’s only you.

ThanosSavedMe · 09/02/2019 09:59

Weetabix he did not go into the female changing that’s for sure! I was having none of it. Unfortunately I don’t know if he tried again on another occasion. Wouldn’t have put it past him.

Femaleassassin · 09/02/2019 10:02

Not me clavinova - i take the view that most people are not paedophiles

Weetabixandshreddies · 09/02/2019 10:03

nolongersurprised

There are lots. I can't go back through and quote them all but they are there. Read back and you will see them.

Answer my question though - if you, or another mum, are with your daughter and she needs help do you refuse and tell her to ask someone else, despite being right there?

Weetabixandshreddies · 09/02/2019 10:04

ThanosSavedMe

Yet a mum on here says she goes into the mens with her son and barely anyone comments?

BertrandRussell · 09/02/2019 10:05

“There is such a difference between what we expect from girls and boys. The expectation, as is shown on here, is that boys need to be independent, man up and deal with it whilst girls are being "mothered" more.“
I think over 8s of either sex should be in the appropriate changing rooms.