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AIBU?

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Original poster

Over 8s in the changing rooms

999 replies

HenweeArcher · 07/02/2019 20:19

I’ve started swimming just before swimming lessons at my gym recently as it fits in well with the crèche being quiet. I’ve noticed that no matter what day I swim, I can always count at least 2 or 3 boys who are almost undoubtedly over 8 (which is the rule) in the female changing rooms just before lessons. Sometimes they use the separate cubicles (there are a couple in the corners) to change themselves so are more than capable of changing alone! I’m aware that some boys might need extra support for whatever reason but I fail to believe that a handful every day at a small health club do.

AIBU to mention it to management? It doesn’t necessarily affect me a great deal as I’m fairly relaxed about nudity and don’t see it as my responsibility to all of a sudden start changing under a towel or anything but I do feel it’s unfair for younger girls to be put in this position.

OP posts:
nolongersurprised · 08/02/2019 12:40

Of course I care about safeguarding, if my 9 year old son was at a pool where I didn’t want him getting changed in the men’s I’d take him home in his swimmers. My big kids swim with a club, at least half of the kids go home in a towel with swimmers on. I wouldn’t march him into change with the girls though.

BIgBagofJelly · 08/02/2019 12:42

It's not at all practical for lots of people go home in their swimming shorts. That said I also don't think it's at all dangerous for a NT 9 year old boy to get himself changed in the mens changing room.

PlantsArePeopleToo · 08/02/2019 12:42

You've got to love the irony though.

People getting upset because they think people are saying their sons are sex pests (even though nobody said no such thing) whilst also tarring the men in the changing room as potential pedophiles. Do you not realise what a double standard you are spewing?

PlantsArePeopleToo · 08/02/2019 12:43

*said such thing, not no such thing Hmm

PengAly · 08/02/2019 12:43

People do care about safeguarding. Just not at the expense of the privacy and dignity of girls

Wow, that's shocking. So if a young 8 year old boy is abused in the men's changing area would be OK with that because at least the girls were comfortable?

Nomdejeur · 08/02/2019 12:45

My 7yo DS wouldn’t be seen dead in the female changing room. He gets himself showered and dressed in the male changing room.

goldengummybear · 08/02/2019 12:46

And how come a girl staring is fine because staring isn't a crime but a 7 year old boy staring (who is allowed to be there) is him showing how entitled he is?

I bet that there are under 8 girls who stare at naked men in the men's. It's obviously as unacceptable as boys doing it in the women's. This thread is dominated about women's changing room experiences as there's more female than male users of MN.

Drogosnextwife · 08/02/2019 12:47

Your son will be that age one day and are you really ok that adult women think that he's potentially a risk?

Every male is a potential risk, so it doesn't matter how we feel.

PengAly · 08/02/2019 12:47

No, of course I'm not tarring all men or saying all men are paedophiles. I'm saying the potential risk is increased in that situation. That is no where near the same as the women on here saying that all young boys will grow up to be misogynistic. I really shouldn't have to explain this

PlantsArePeopleToo · 08/02/2019 12:47

Most men are not sex pests.

The majority of men in changing rooms are perfectly normal human beings who would never hurt a child.

I have lovely men in my life who frequently use male changing rooms such as my DP and father.

I could just as easily throw a tantrum and tell you all how horrible you're being for painting people like my lovely DP and father to be pedophiles.

And I hope you're all okay with people keeping their own sons away from yours in the changing rooms after your son has grown up because your son might be a pedophile who will hurt theirs. I hope you're not going to throw a tantrum when that day comes about horrible they're being for assuming your son is a sex pest Wink.

PlantsArePeopleToo · 08/02/2019 12:49

Wow, that's shocking. So if a young 8 year old boy is abused in the men's changing area would be OK with that because at least the girls were comfortable?

No it's not okay. I have a son.

However I understand that it's up to me to find a solution to keep my son safe without stomping all over other peoples daughters right to dignity and privacy.

AngelaHodgeson · 08/02/2019 12:50

I have a DS and I would do anything in the world to protect him and keep him safe. However I understand that his safety does not trump the needs, rights and privacy of girls so if his need to be safe and feel safe begins to clash with that of girls then I understand it is up to me to find a solution. It is not up to the girls in that situation to put up and shut up.

This is exactly how I see the situation.

PlantsArePeopleToo · 08/02/2019 12:50

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nolongersurprised · 08/02/2019 12:51

peng

If you don’t want your 8 plus year old boy changing in the men’s, is the only other possible option you can consider is him changing where girls are?

PengAly · 08/02/2019 12:51

I could just as easily throw a tantrum and tell you all how horrible you're being for painting people like my lovely DP and father to be pedophiles.

Except nothing like that was said at all. Please don't make assumptions out of thin air just to prove you point. Its does not serve any useful purpose to the discussion.

PlantsArePeopleToo · 08/02/2019 12:52

Please don't make assumptions out of thin air just to prove you point. Its does not serve any useful purpose to the discussion.

Bit rich coming from you.

PengAly · 08/02/2019 12:54

If you don’t want your 8 plus year old boy changing in the men’s, is the only other possible option you can consider is him changing where girls are?

Who said i'm speaking about my specific child? If you lives in in a tiny town, with only one leisure centre and didn't have the privilege to be able to drive 80 miles every week for swimming lessons, nor the money for the more expensive options, than yes its the only option. Changing in the car is not always feasible either

nolongersurprised · 08/02/2019 12:55

“However I understand that it's up to me to find a solution to keep my son safe without stomping all over other peoples daughters right to dignity and privacy.”

This is how I see it too

HalfBloodPrincess · 08/02/2019 12:55

if it’s the choice between a boy not being able to swim as he’s not allowed to change in the mens, or a girl not being able to swim as she doesn’t want to change in front of a boy in the female changing rooms, then the boy loses out. Every time.

arethereanyleftatall · 08/02/2019 12:55

If you are the type of parent to assume there's a paedo just waiting for your 8yo son in the changing room, that's fine and your right. Don't send him in the changing room. BUT, you are the one that needs to find a solution which doesn't involve encroaching on female comfort.
So, to the poster who keeps banging on in capitals, first priority - risk eliminated, second priority - girls comfort intact. It doesn't have to be an either/or situation.

At some point you have to accept there's a risk and get on with life. There's risk everywhere, you can't go through life just ignoring rules, other people's feelings etc etc because there might be a tiny risk if you don't.

PengAly · 08/02/2019 12:56

Bit rich coming from you.

I never made an assumption, you did. I simply stated a situation that poses a POTENTIAL risk. Look up crime rates for yourself. Of course most men are lovely and safe but why should we take a risk with the few who aren't?

goldengummybear · 08/02/2019 12:57

Wow, that's shocking. So if a young 8 year old boy is abused in the men's changing area would be OK with that because at least the girls were comfortable?

Of course it's never ok for a boy to be abused. How would you decide the age when boys aren't at risk in the men's? My son is 17 and 6 foot 2 but was a victim of crime. (Not at a swimming pool)

Weetabixandshreddies · 08/02/2019 12:58

I bet that there are under 8 girls who stare at naked men in the men's. It's obviously as unacceptable as boys doing it in the women's. This thread is dominated about women's changing room experiences as there's more female than male users of MN.
I'm not talking about girls staring in the mens.

I'm talking about girls staring in the ladies changing room at women and other girls, making them uncomfortable.

As safety is second to feelings here then I hope you agree that if an unaccompanied 8 year old girl is staring at me that it will be fine to insist that she gets changed in the corridor? May not be safe but her safety does come 2nd to my right to privacy and dignity after all.

PengAly · 08/02/2019 12:59

At some point you have to accept there's a risk and get on with life. There's risk everywhere, you can't go through life just ignoring rules, other people's feelings etc etc because there might be a tiny risk if you don't.

And at some point people need to realise there will always be some form of discomfort. How is it ok for a child to be put at risk because it makes another child more comfortable? You can't go through life ignoring safety hazards to make sure feelings are ok.

PengAly · 08/02/2019 13:00

How would you decide the age when boys aren't at risk in the men's?

There obviously will never be a perfect age but boys under the age of 10 are more vulnerable than teenage boys.