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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If my mum left me at 6 weeks old, does that mean she didn't bond with me?

83 replies

NobodysChild19 · 07/02/2019 18:27

This is something I deal with thinking about as it comes up now and again, and upsets me. We don't have the closest of relationships now as adults.

She left me when I was 6 weeks old to go back to uni, leaving me with a close family member. I totally see it makes sense to finish your year at uni. Then however, during the uni summer holidays for the next two years, she went overseas to stay with cousins for six weeks.

I suppose I just wonder why she didn't want to be with her baby/ small toddler daughter even in the holidays. Is it probable that the whole reason is a lack of mother & baby bonding?

OP posts:
AliyyaJann · 07/02/2019 18:31

If it helps, my mum was sahm and we used to be incredibly close until teenage years. We don't get at all. I never invite her for family events and feel I can never mean on her.

AliyyaJann · 07/02/2019 18:31

As a toddler, she was my everything.

AliyyaJann · 07/02/2019 18:32

Lean on her-not mean

SinisterBumFacedCat · 07/02/2019 18:34

Sounds like she was very immature. Not your fault at all OP. Flowers

SemperIdem · 07/02/2019 18:36

It sounds like she was immature for her age and the person whose care she put you in enjoyed being with you too much to reign her in. Or perhaps tried but was unsuccessful.

How is your relationship now?

SemperIdem · 07/02/2019 18:36

*rein, even Blush

Mmmhmmm · 07/02/2019 18:39

I bonded with my daughter immediately but it did strengthen over time ofc.

Was she suffering from PND? That and immaturity could explain her actions a bit.

Original poster
NobodysChild19 · 07/02/2019 18:41

It's not great; it's ok and pleasant though. She's very smart and knowledgeable and great to listen to. We work in the same field so she gives good advice. I just need to be very careful to never let her see when I am feeling vulnerable; I have been too needy in the past.

OP posts:
Dieu · 07/02/2019 18:41

How old was she when she had you, OP?
Thanks

Original poster
NobodysChild19 · 07/02/2019 18:42

She says she has never been depressed in her life, so when I was depressed I think it made her annoyed.

OP posts:
Original poster
NobodysChild19 · 07/02/2019 18:43

She was only 19 which is very young.

OP posts:
SinisterBumFacedCat · 07/02/2019 18:44

Too needy? Are those her words? Sorry OP she doesn’t sound affectionate at all, sometimes that’s what you need from a mum! Do you have other people in your life you can rely on?

hammeringinmyhead · 07/02/2019 18:44

What were the circumstances of your birth? I'm assuming she wasn't ready for a baby but didn't want to have an abortion. I think in some cases women can more easily detach from their babies, especially if they know they are being well taken care of.

Seniorschoolmum · 07/02/2019 18:46

Also, how long ago was this? What sort of family culture? Was she pressurised by anyone?

SnuggyBuggy · 07/02/2019 18:46

I'm sorry OP, it doesn't sound like an easy situation

picklemepopcorn · 07/02/2019 18:48

She sounds like she has an avoidant attachment style, and you have an anxious attachment style. The more you try and be close to her, the more she pushes you away. It's a vicious circle.

For whatever reason, she didn't feel able to parent you fully as a baby. You want more from the relationship than she is able to offer, so she pushes you away (inadvertently leading you to want more reassurance etc).

picklemepopcorn · 07/02/2019 18:48

I meant to say, not your fault, and almost inevitable from the situation!

WetWipesGoInTheBin · 07/02/2019 18:55

OP my older nephews and nieces mothers only had 3 months maternity leave. In the worse case one of my SILs spent 8 weeks with one of them. So leaving you after 6 weeks, if you mum had you before the late 90s, wasn't odd.

The only part that's odd is leaving you over summer.

In regards to not getting on with your mother - there are lots of toxic mother-daughter and mother-son relationships out there where they refuse to talk to one another, and some of the mothers were SAHMs.

Original poster
NobodysChild19 · 07/02/2019 18:59

My relationship with my partner is very healthy and doesn't make me anxious, so I'm lucky. But yes with my mum I feel very anxious about the relationship at times. Other times it's fine though.

OP posts:
MitziK · 07/02/2019 19:00

Could it be that she was dissuaded from 'disturbing you' by being there for several weeks and then leaving again - or found it was too much to handle being with you for so long and then leaving you again/thought that she was doing the right thing for you by not putting you through it each year?

I've known people who have said that if a relative were to leave a baby in similar circumstances that they would never allow them to come back and 'confuse the child'/it wasn't 'their baby anymore, it's the carer's', along with others who have been incredibly harsh about women simply going to work, claiming that they're more a mother because they are there during the day.

It could also be that she doesn't accept depression because she had it and whoever took care of you didn't accept it and pushed her away because she was showing symptoms of PND. It would be hard to tell you that she desperately wanted to have you, but she couldn't tell you that the person who cared for you forced her to stay away because you loved them.

She might be incredibly negative about depression because she had to get on with Uni and wasn't even allowed to come back in the summer, for example - so she could think that endogenous depression is less acceptable than depression in response to being apart from her baby.

Do you think it is something you could ask her about? Not in a accusatory way, as it could be something she doesn't want to burden you with (circumstances of conception, for example), but as an 'I always wondered why you didn't come back for the summer' She might not tell you, she might not have bonded (which feels absolutely awful for many women, as it's seen as a huge failing to not feel a rush of overpowering love), she might have been forced into it and hated every moment - but if you don't ask at all, you'll always wonder whether you should have done.

Original poster
NobodysChild19 · 07/02/2019 19:00

WetWipes, that's interesting about it being different years ago. Were they not coming home to the babies in the evening though?

She went to live somewhere else at university.

OP posts:
Birdsgottafly · 07/02/2019 19:01

As said, leaving you at six weeks is what a lot of Mothers have to do, globally.

She made the judgment call that there was no harm in leaving you over summer and it might have been sold to her by others, that it was fine to go.

It sounds as though that's just your Mother's personality and you are looking for reasons why she is as she is.

MostlyBoastly · 07/02/2019 19:06

Tricky to tease out cause and effect here. You might feel you can’t be vulnerable with her because of her personality, and it may be that no nonsense personality that meant she could leave you for long periods without dwelling on it.
Or, you don’t feel you can be vulnerable with her because you’re lacking the attachment and consequently she’s avoidant because of deep-seated guilt.
Or, most likely, a bit of both.

spreadingchestnuttree · 07/02/2019 19:09

Has she ever spoken to you about that time? Is it something you could discuss with her or not really?

Original poster
NobodysChild19 · 07/02/2019 19:09

Yeah I just don't think I was ever very loveable to her personality. Not her fault, I'm not blaming because you can't choose who you love. You either love someone and want to be in their company, or you don't. That's ok. But still hurts a bit. It puts you in an odd place.

I prefer to think, oh maybe it was a lack of bonding that unfortunately then didn't get a chance to develop as we weren't together; instead of thinking I was an abnormally disgusting unloveable baby.

OP posts: