If my mum left me at 6 weeks old, does that mean she didn't bond with me?

[NobodysChild19]

This is something I deal with thinking about as it comes up now and again, and upsets me. We don't have the closest of relationships now as adults.

She left me when I was 6 weeks old to go back to uni, leaving me with a close family member. I totally see it makes sense to finish your year at uni. Then however, during the uni summer holidays for the next two years, she went overseas to stay with cousins for six weeks.

I suppose I just wonder why she didn't want to be with her baby/ small toddler daughter even in the holidays. Is it probable that the whole reason is a lack of mother & baby bonding?

No, she married suddenly without telling anyone and they had more children. I had met him once; he's a nice guy.

I always assumed they didn't want me, she says she did but I didn't want to go and the female relative caring for me said it wasn't a suitable environment for me.

She felt the female relative was too controlling (but my mum said she knows female relative was trying to protect me, she knows it was coming from a good place but still felt smothered) so she cut her losses and I think I was the collateral damage.

I didn't know any of this until a few years ago. I felt guilty because I know, as a small child, I openly loved female relative more than my mum. I loved her so much, she made me feel safe.

I loved my mum too and when I was very small we were affectionate when I saw her; but it was sort of like loving a princess or a film star; she was so beautiful and cool and I was a bit awestruck by her.

Worked out okay for her with her husband and new kids, in fairness.

She sounds like she is an emotionally absent parent . There was a film with a very similar mother in it , and the DD was affected very much . I don’t think she is a bad person per se , but she appears to have emotionally neglected you and ran away from motherhood to some extent . I am not at all surprised it has affected you so much .

As you say back to counselling . You can’t change it . But you can make some sense of how you feel and maybe accept and forgive the feelings you have for her ?
The fact you lay low when depressed and avoid her is very telling

Sending hugs OP . Being a parent is hard and sometimes I want to escape . Your post makes me realise why I can’t x

That is very sad, but not an unexpected explanation. So easy to see how everyone would have had your best interests at heart, but still have left you feeling confused and unwanted.

It looks like your mum tried to do what was best for you. And the woman who brought you up did the same. And they both loved you and wanted you.

Just read update
Sounds like female relative truly loved you . And rightly or wrongly didn’t want to give you up . I can see that . If I had care for a baby from birth and loved them and loved me I would probably hold Onto them . But the damage is how you feel now . Where is female relative now ?

Also I would hazard a guess that if you’re depressed, that makes her feel immense guilt. And if she’s not as emotionally intelligent as you she might not really understand those feelings, or at least not want to confront those feelings.
This I think is quite common.

Ach op, as everyone else has said, it def was not you as a baby, it really can’t possibly have been, as your personality won’t have even really started to come through.

I’m going with others and think it’s more than likely circumstances pushed your mum into that situation. So it really isn’t you, but that doesn’t help when it seems like everyone else’s parents love them.

Just because you are a parent does not mean you will automatically love the child. At least that’s what happened in my case as my dad didn’t particularly even really like me ~ and I know it can’t have been me, because I am awesome🤣

Please speak to someone if it’s bugging you though, as it can eat away at your self esteem if you leave it.

It sounds like you have great insight and sensitivity into your relationship with your mum, and more counselling could be good if you've got as far as you can with it by yourself. For what its worth from an internet stranger you seem to have a huge amount of resilience.

Things definitely were different a few years ago.

They are also different in other parts of the world even now - US mat leave for thousands of mothers is six weeks, and commercial childcare facilities take in babies that young. Some women go back even earlier, or work from home with a nanny doing the baby care. Often a grandparent moves in.

I have good (Russian) friends who took care of their grandchild from birth as the mother (also a good friend, I got to know her when her DD was 5) was in university when the baby was born. She graduated and got a job and apartment in the city, met and married a nice guy, bought a house together, had another baby, went to graduate school (involving the MIL spending three days and four nights per week taking care of this second baby), got her professional degree, started work, had another baby, moved out to the suburbs and closer to the grandparents with H and two babies plus nanny, and at that point, finally, at age 9 her first child joined her family.

It was very, very hard for the grandparents to transition to the changed roles. The grandmother is still very involved with all the grandchildren but feel a special bond with the oldest who was to all intents and purposes 'their baby'.

There was another daughter, also with a professional career, and the grandmother had flown off to take care of her and her family when first baby was born while she was at a crucial stage of her studies, in another city. It was at this point that I really got to know this family as I took care of the oldest grandchild during the days while the grandmother spent three months getting the other sister and her husband over the hump, so to speak. The grandfather would pick her up after work, give her dinner, go to the playground or to the pool, read together, put her to bed. This other sister and her H and baby also moved to the same suburb a few years later, and now they have three children.

Could the mother of the oldest grandchild have decided to live at home with her parents, get a job locally, and be a single mum saving up for her own place? Yes.
Did the grandparents urge her to continue with her education instead? Yes.
Did the grandparents encourage her to get that apartment in the city and enjoy the experience of working, socialising, dating? Yes.

The grandparents had hopes for their daughter and everyone was confident that the baby was secure and very much loved.

I say all this just to illustrate that sometimes circumstances can make day to day care of a baby a logistical impossibility and relationships can still be strong despite unusual care arrangements.

It's not a question of being unlovable. It's often a question of people doing their best for a baby who is loved and also doing their best for the sake of a young university student who is also loved.

I am curious in your case, OP, about how you get on with the person who took care of you as a baby, and what the trajectory of that relationship was. How do you get along with this person now, if at all?
At what point did you become aware of the existence of your mother, and were the two of you ever a household/family when you were a child?

I’d like to speak to you very clearly and directly OP, I hope this is OK.

This was not your fault.

Your mother made the choices she made because of things that were going on in her life at the time. She would have done the same with any baby she had given birth to at that time.

You were not a bad or unlovable baby

She didn’t look after you because she couldn’t care for anyone then, probably not even herself. And I’m guessing she didn’t get good advice from her family then, because what she didn’t wasn’t a good decision for either you or her.

But she was only 19 and did what she thought was best. In hindsight I suspect she knows it wasn’t a good decision, but not everyone has the capacity to reflect on their actions.

You were a good baby then and you are a good person now

She can’t relate well to you now because of the kind of person she is, it’s her personality. She also might also have a lot of difficult feelings about the past which she can’t admit to herself, let alone you. But you can’t fix this.

Sadly, she wasn’t able to parent you then and she can’t do it now . That’s very sad and its ok for you to feel hurt or angry about this. Your feelings are entirely valid. You deserved better.

I think you need to talk this through with a Counsellor, who can help you deal with your very real and understandable feelings of abandonment and loss.

My female relative is dead now, it was after that when I got very depressed.

I'm not depressed now. But for example, I have a breast lump and I'm slightly anxious about what it is. I will not tell my mum about that.

I wish I had a mum-person I could talk about that with and feel like I wasn't on my own with it. If the worst came to the worst, a mum-person who would want to come with me for the scary parts and see I'm okay. Etc.

Many many mothers do not bond with their babies at six weeks. It can take years. It sound to me like there were tensions between her and the female relative who took care of you. I understand why you feel hurt though.

I had serious abandonment issues due to my parenting. My mother never properly attached to me even though she parented me from birth. I think she wanted a live girl doll.

When my dd was around 5 months old, I got incredibly angry about it all and i strongly believe this is the age when my mother stopped connecting with me as I needed simply because I became my own person and she couldn’t deal with it. In fact I didn’t understand about unconditional love until an adult.

I was somewhat closer to my father. But he was always working. My mother tried to destroy my relationship with my father after his death (in my teens) by saying some very hurtful things. Therapy has helped a lot.

I think your mother has had to push you away to deal with the hurt of not being the person you love the most. It does sound as though she loves you very much and she struggled greatly with having to give you up for good. I don’t believe the person, who took care of you thought the environment was unsuitable. It sounds like an excuse and the way to head off a power struggle. For it sounds as though your mother was put in her place.

I imagine she can’t deal with your feeling because she’s unable to deal with her own. I agree with a pp that she was most likely told to snap out of depression. If you want to connect with her, don’t be afraid to tell her you love her. From what you have said, she’s harbouring a lot of pain and guilt and suffered a great deal.

Perhaps you need to find your Mum person In a friend? Building up a strong loving network of trust, so that you can share difficult moments safely.
Your mother effectively abandoned you over and over again. It must have been incredibly painful as a little girl, but you got through it. You are so strong and resilient, more than you realise.
You have your own life now. I am not surprised you were depressed! Anyone would be. Find the most gentle counsellor, weave a web of love around your life and let the past stay where it is. I admire you hugely. Go and be happy

I also think it’s hard when the “carer” is no longer with you. Say it’s a grandma and they pass away, then one finds it hard that you feel just as upset as if you’d lost your mother, but the outside world doesn’t quite understand.
I would say the depression and grief of losing that person is harder for you.
Anyway. Again, therapy is a great idea.

needy? fucking needy?

well, that is shit, mums should be the ones that are there for you when you need them, yours is not doing so well on that front if you are worried about being "needy"

and please read what whispers wrote above. read it again. this is not your fault, may not be your mums either, but it is not ideal and you have not had what other people get and expect from their mums.

I’d also like that mum person to talk things through. How old are you? Are there any substitute mums? Friends mums? I learnt to find substitute mums. But only in my 20’s.

What happened to the female relative who took care of you?

She died of breast cancer. I'm on a two week waiting list for a breast lump appointment now, it's a weird time. Obviously probably nothing though.

Thank you all so much; for your wisdom, kindness and fresh ways of looking at certain parts of it.

Op if your mum wasn't your primary carer then it is highly likely that she did not build that bond with you that you would hope for. It doesn't mean she didn't love you or want you. Perhaps she thought after a while you were better with the family member you were with. Sounds like you had a good bond with that person and that you are now grieving on top of everything else. Either way it sounds like you've had a rough ride and are confused about how things were/are. I'm sorry you're going through what you are re: cancer scare. Can you speak to cancer support (e.g Macmillan). Would your mum be open to family therapy?

Okay so your breast lump is bringing up your feelings of loss of your mother figure/relative and the fact your own biological mother has let you down do badly.
Your lump almost certainly is a cyst, as most are, and you have to believe and hold on to the fact you are well until you are told otherwise.
Do you have a close friend to confide in? You need a lot of support right now from every single person until you are safely through this. Can your do take some time off and be there for you. This is a very raw nerve having lost someone you love from the same thing. You need some arsenal and manpower to face this down,

Hopefully you will get the all clear and will feel in a better place in the coming days. Ask to have your case fast tracked.

I'm actually fine about the lump, just a bit anxious but it's okay. I wouldn't need Macmillan support. If it was bad news further down the road, then yes I'd probably get in touch with them, but I don't think it will be.

I think something like that makes you think about your own life though, just because there's a chance it could be something bad.

I'll get some general counselling, though, to talk over my family relationships.

Yes, I think my partner will come with me to appointment if possible so all good there.

Oh OP, I have no advice, but you sound like a wonderful, thoughtful, strong person who has come through a lot of hardship. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you, then or now. Give yourself the kindness that you need

I had serious abandonment issues due to my parenting. My mother never properly attached to me even though she parented me from birth. I think she wanted a live girl doll.

Same here - in fact I still do have serious abandonment issues: very few friends and I can't sustain a romantic relationship. I can pinpoint the moment my mother emotionally detached from me completely and it was triggered by a specific incident which she saw as me rejecting her. I was 3 years old. I last spoke with her 7 years ago and she threw it back at me (again) in that last conversation we ever had. I was 37 at the time.

The truth was, she didn't ever bond with me due to circumstances that were largely beyond her control but, rather than have the emotional intelligence to recognise that and counter it, she decided she didn't love me because I was unloveable and felt so cheated by having this unloveable child that she spent the first 37 years of my life punishing me for it and telling me, and anyone else who would listen, that no one else would ever love me either.

As a result of me believing it for so long, and going through life not expecting to be loved, no one ever has and I don't even know where to begin with unpicking/reversing it so I doubt anyone ever will.

It's hard, OP, but you are lucky that you have a partner and people around you who you do have positive relationships with. I can completely understand why you wouldn't want to discuss your health fears with her. She's not an emotionally safe person for you.

do you think your mum could/would/should like to talk of this time.has anyone let her tell her side and emotions at this time or was she just told or persuauded to shut up and put up.did she then go off and live her life with huge guilt or sadness in knowing she ws doing the right thing or what she was told to do you think?
aand just because she had other children doesn't mean she never wanted you hun or that you wrent worthy like her next children were.it was obviously a situation out of her control at that moment.
have you ever seen itv long lost familys?far to often the mother has to give their child up and still goes on to have children because it doesn't stop them needing to be a mum but nor does that reflect o nthe first born.
would there ever be a moment you could have together to heal the past?talk openly about what it mean to the both of you?