If my mum left me at 6 weeks old, does that mean she didn't bond with me?

[NobodysChild19]

This is something I deal with thinking about as it comes up now and again, and upsets me. We don't have the closest of relationships now as adults.

She left me when I was 6 weeks old to go back to uni, leaving me with a close family member. I totally see it makes sense to finish your year at uni. Then however, during the uni summer holidays for the next two years, she went overseas to stay with cousins for six weeks.

I suppose I just wonder why she didn't want to be with her baby/ small toddler daughter even in the holidays. Is it probable that the whole reason is a lack of mother & baby bonding?

She might not have understood how crucial the early years are for developing the mother/child bond. There's a really interesting book, I forget what it is called now, that explains what happens in a child's brain when they don't have a strong bond with a primary carer in infancy.

It's really sad; it can be very difficult, sometimes impossible, to reverse the impact later in life; and there are far too many of us living with it. It's good to hear you have a good relationship with your partner though - you clearly had a good bond with someone

Take care of yourself

I have yet to hear of a disgusting baby. I’m sure you were lovely! And you have close, functional relationships with people so that’s a very good sign.

It wasn't your fault at all. It sounds as if she just wasn't ready to be a mother

Or possibly pressure was put on her by well-meaning family to concentrate on her studies and having fun. Some people worry about a teenage mum "missing out".

You were a baby, you cried, weed, pood, and slept erratically, that was your job. No different to any other baby. Some cry a little more than others, some sleep a little less than others.

You weren't the problem, your mother and her home situation was the problem.

If she left to go to university, was it your GM that looked after you? It could well be that your GM took over, and there wasn't a place for your mother to actually BE a mother, combined with her immaturity, and difficult situation.

It wasn't unheard of for the youngest child in a family to actually be a child of one of the older daughters, but raised as the child of the GM instead.

My mother left me with her SIL as a newborn for a while (though less than a year). I was somewhat surprised when I learnt of this as a teenager (I think) but can't say it's affect our relationship

It wasn't your 'fault' and there is nothing wrong with you that makes you unloveable. However, pestering your mum about this will not help: people who are not very interested in emotions don't respond well to conversations they percieve as needy and whiny. If you are really bothered about this, better to look for a counsellor than try to make your mum into a person she is not.

"There's a really interesting book, I forget what it is called now, that explains what happens in a child's brain when they don't have a strong bond with a primary carer in infancy"
The primary carer doesn't have to be the mother. The problem can arise when the primary care giver, be it a mum, we, aunt, gran whoever, isn't constant and for what ever reason the bond doesn't develop.

It sounds like the OP did have a constant source of care, just not by her mother.

I assure you, op, there is no such thing as an unloveable baby. I've had the odd very needy/challenging baby and have adored them. There are mums who are not able, or not given the opportunity, to love their baby though.

My friend was cared for by her aunt for a year because her mum couldn't look after her. The alternative was adoption. She doesn't remember and wasn't told until she was a teenager. She is very close to the aunt. The mum was a bit jealous and defensive, people judged her.
From her mums point of view she fought hard to be able to take her child back because she loved her. My friend struggled with how her mum could have left her. She has some abandonment issues which probably come from being separated from the aunt who was her attachment figure, and not being told until later.
Years ago people did not speak about feelings or acknowledge the effect childhood experience has. They lied to protect people, which of course it doesn't. Perhaps protecting themselves. Knowledge is power.
It's very complex, and hard to process especially if you are preverbal. Would counselling help you make sense of it if your mum won't speak of it?

I don't pester my mum. I give her plenty of space and if I'm upset about something in my life I keep my distance until I'm feeling better before I'd catch up with her, to make sure she doesn't get a whiff of anything.

Time for more counselling I think.

I wonder if your mum would talk about what it was like for her. It might have been quite hard. Take care of yourself op.

I'd be willing to wager that she was forced into doing so by her parents.

I work with many West Indian women who leave their child in Jamaica with their own mother for years, the child may come over to the UK for educational purposes at a much later date. You do what you have to do to provide for your children. The world over, education is seen as a means out of poverty and the road to improvement for the family and people will work to those ends.

My grandparents were married (shotgun) and lived next door to her mother. The day she had the baby (my father), her mother went to the hospital and took the baby home, registered it and every thing. Grandmother continued living next door having more children. Eventually she and grandad emigrated with the other children leaving Dad with his own grandmother. Odd. But that was the 1930's. He didn't see her again for at least 18 years.

I don’t think that a mother being present 100% means they will bond either
My mother was a SAHM and I don’t think we ever bonded. I don’t remember her ever being nice to me, playing with me or making me feel loved at all.
My Dad worked full time - at one point he had two jobs. One of which was shift work. I bonded better with him that my mother because I remember him actually making me feel loved.
Don’t know if this helps at all OP.

She chose to our other stuff over the needs of her 6 week old baby.

I couldn’t never have done that.

She might not have understood how crucial the early years are for developing the mother/child bond. There's a really interesting book, I forget what it is called now, that explains what happens in a child's brain when they don't have a strong bond with a primary carer in infancy

I’d love to know more about this.
In the case of my own mother - she lost my twin brother when he was only 5 months old and I wonder how much of an impact that had on her relationship with me - is that why she always seemed so cold and distant with me? Is that why I am the way I am now as an adult?
One day I will get counselling too when I can afford it!

What happened after mum finished uni OP? Were you wholly raised by family or just for those early years?

its also perfectly normal to drift as you get older, become your own personality and have differences. My mum complained recently that I don't confide in her - which is true, because she makes a mountain out of a molehill and isn't always very supportive when i do confide. I live 250 miles away. That just part of me growing up (I say at 40) and having my own way of living my life and dealing with my life.

She was a great mum when I was younger, but as adults she is far from the first person I would go to if vulnerable etc

There's a really interesting book, I forget what it is called now

Is this the book?

"Why love matters- How affection shapes a baby's brain?"

The past is a different country, they did things differently there. Judging the behaviour of the past can't be judged by today's standards.

The positives: you have a great relationship with your dh. You’re an introspective person who is looking for answers, so you’re emotionally intelligent.

The negatives: you have/do feel like you don’t have a strong bond and you can lean towards thinking you were unlovable (but you’re emotionally clever enough to know that’s not factually true.

Lots of people have very challenging upbringings and it’s how they deal with it in later life. And that’s what’s most important. You’re mother might not be the mother you really wished for, but there are huge positives about your life and your personality.

Don’t be too hard on yourself. Good idea about therapy. It’s just good to talk about these feelings out loud.

Yep, that's the book, Aliyya. I only skimmed through some of it really though. It was lent to me by a psychotherapist friend of mine who thought it might help me understand my situation a bit better.

It sounds like the OP did have a constant source of care, just not by her mother.

Yes, I agree. But she has said it is the relationship with her mother that has suffered.

I couldn’t never have done that.

This is pure "walk a mile in my shoes". You have no idea. None of us do. The mother (who was only 19, remember) may have been under huge pressure from her family. She may have been told "We will only support you to keep the baby if you do as we say - go back to uni. Stay away during the holidays. Let us bring up the child until you have finished, and don't try to interfere".

Or she may instead have been completely heartless and not care.

Truth is probably somewhere very complicated between the two and all wrapped up with OPs grandparents' ideas about what would be best for their daughter and her mother's ideas about what would be best for her child, compounded over the years with the inevitable "Did we do the right thing?".

For the OP, it must be very hard and confusing to look back on. Can I ask - did you live with your mother when she left uni? Did she move home, or did you move in with her?

I remember reading how Vivienne Westwood left her infant sons for months at a time. I wondered if that is why they are not close now.

How long ago was this?