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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

If my mum left me at 6 weeks old, does that mean she didn't bond with me?

83 replies

NobodysChild19 · 07/02/2019 18:27

This is something I deal with thinking about as it comes up now and again, and upsets me. We don't have the closest of relationships now as adults.

She left me when I was 6 weeks old to go back to uni, leaving me with a close family member. I totally see it makes sense to finish your year at uni. Then however, during the uni summer holidays for the next two years, she went overseas to stay with cousins for six weeks.

I suppose I just wonder why she didn't want to be with her baby/ small toddler daughter even in the holidays. Is it probable that the whole reason is a lack of mother & baby bonding?

OP posts:
Springwalk · 07/02/2019 21:10

I called Macmillan when I was in the same position. No family that cared and serious cancer investigation.
You can call them at any stage of the process, even before diagnosis. I sobbed and sobbed to the kindest most loveliest lady, I felt so much better. I spilled out my deepest fears and my utter disappointment in my family. It was cathartic. Consider calling them. Angels all of them.

anxiousbundle · 07/02/2019 21:11

I think it could go either way OP-

Did she leave you so she could further her education and get a good career to support you- and did she come home in the evenings and spend all weekends with you.

OR
Did she resent having a baby and not spend a lot of time with you/party/live the uni lifestyle?

I don't think a lot of 19 year olds are emotionally ready for a baby tbh.

Springwalk · 07/02/2019 21:15

Redfelt
That sounds really tough. Are you having counselling? Pets make emotionally safe companions as a starting point. Flowers for you

shitholiday2018 · 07/02/2019 21:17

Oh OP, it’s had such an effect on your confidence hasn’t it. You poor thing. All babies are beautiful, loveable, delicious. Including you.

19 is still a baby too though in my view. I suspect she was caught out and not ready for parenthood. She knew you were being cared for and went on with her life. I imagine that leaves its own trail of guilt, resentment, frustration as well. But it’s clearly affected your self confidence and worth. Can you get some counselling or CBT to help counter this? You’re needy (if yo are) because your parental needs are/were not being met. That’s an understandable need. You need to look after yourself, rather than blame yourself.

AnotherPidgey · 07/02/2019 21:38

My background is fairly similar. DM of similar age, but still living at home. Had to RTW when I was about 3wks. D(G)F was made redundant around that time and D(G)M was a SAHM for young members of the family and in a caring role for a family member with SN. Every penny counted as a large family was being kept on limited benefits and a very low salary. It was still an era when being a young, unmarried mother was deeply frowned upon although my parentage was always open. I could plausibly have been passed off as the youngest sibling.

DM was ready to move on when I was a pre-schooler. For practical reasons, it made sense for me to stay in the family home rather than being there for childcare and sleeping somewhere else. DM was a bit like a EOW type Disney Dad. She was there, but mainly for nice bits, not the everyday parenting.

I was loved. By DM in her own unorthodox way, but more critically by my D(G)Ps who I naturally called my parents. It was a secure, loving family, just not the usual 2.4 children of that era.

My adult relationship with DM is not easy. Not because of my background on my part. I've always accepted that she did what she could with what she knew at the time, and I was happy with the package of love I had. She does have baggage about it which has flared up most around stages like me going to uni and getting married. I think it hit her hard that I was a grown-up and there was no going back to reclaim her little girl. She also has baggage about other issues which connect to D(G)M which can be quite messy to deal with.

What we have in common is that awkward circumstances lead to our unusual relationships, not personality. Personality may be an added complication further down the line, but it isn't the cause, and personality can be a difficulty in the most average of circumstances.

I do feel that DM misses bits of me and my development, sometimes her need to express her motherhood is just out of touch where I'm at in life, I didn't need mothering in my 20s, I needed her friendship by then, and I think she's struggled to understand my independence of thought and tends to blame D(G)M or DH.

D(G)M is alive and still the main mother figure to me emotionally. I lost D(G)F in childhood which affected the family dynamic. Who knows what the future holds and how it would hinder or help family dynamics.

RedFeltHeart · 08/02/2019 07:49

Springwalk

No, I have 2 children and animals Wink

I've been told I'd need long term intensive therapy and I don't have the capacity for that. So it is what it is.

NobodysChild I think everyone has a point. Your mum was very young and, at the time, people probably felt they were doing what was best for both of you. Not that that makes it ok, but it does maybe explain it.

OneStepSideways · 08/02/2019 08:48

Many people find the baby and toddler stage very boring and monotonous. All babies and toddlers are needy (they cling to you, need nappy changes, feeding, constant attention, cry and tantrum and don't let you hold a conversation unless they're asleep!)

19 is very young to have a baby, I expect she just needed a break. I wouldn't take it personally.

Yulebealrite · 08/02/2019 09:01

You came along at a time when she wasn't ready and too immature for motherhood. Relative made it easy for her to carry on her young life without responsibilities.
It was probably a mixture of doing what was best for you and protecting herself emotionally and being selfish doing what she had planned for her life. She couldn't afford to get too close to you or that would mean she would be upset to leave you again.

Your mum was your relative. You have the aunt relationship with your mum. She was a product of her selfish youth. So yes circumstances meant you didn't bond in the normal way but it has nothing to do with you and your value in any way whatsoever. She wasn't rejecting you. She was rejecting motherhood at that time and your aunt made it easy for her in offering her an easy way out. She probably encouraged your mum to stay away anyway as she probably loved you too much to want to share you, which whilst not right, is understandable.

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