To ask your thoughts on having two adults, a toddler and a newborn in a studio flat?

[0valtine]

How practical do you think this is? Two adults, a boisterous toddler whos walking and into everything, and a newborn.

One room where you sit/cook/eat/play and then one bedroom. Tiny bathroom and no other space.

Thoughts?

I could not live with your situation, I would go crazy and become depressed, all living on top of each other. I would leave my husband not out of choice but I’d have no other opinion, makes me feel claustrophobic just reading about it.

I don’t understand what’s keeping you all there, if his Mum and siblings have moved and he wants to be near family how about moving to a town near them?

Your DP really had a choice between having DC2 and relocating to make that work or staying put and not having second DC.

He chose to have DC2, so I think he has to face the music and relocate.

He helps alot with the toddler when he's at home but due to his permanent state of exhaustion and falling asleep I'm not comfortable leaving him in charge whilst I go out for extended periods / anything more than popping to the shops.

I've witnessed him crash out on the sofa from exhaustion whilst DS has been on his playmat whilst newborn, and he couldn't be roused. If I was at work for example then DS would have been left to his own devices until he woke himself up, which could be hours.

He's fallen asleep with DS in his arms many times and I've had to remove him, another situation that could have been catastrophic had I not been here.

He's a very deep sleeper, over worked and doesnt get enough sleep. Whilst I don't resent him for being tired I am well aware it's far from ideal with two young DC (when baby arrives)

He works the shifts he does to pay for this flat because he wants to stay here. In reality he could work a day time job and have a far better quality of life elsewhere, as could I.

Ideal scenario is moving north where everything is cheaper, getting back to work and giving the children a proper home.

Too bloody right those seem to be the standards of Dickensan times.

Can't he move a bit out of Londom and see his family from time to time go to London by bus etc now and again?.

You could get a 4 bed detached up north for less than what you probably paying.

The living arrangements have already taken a toll on my mental health and exasperated my PND and he does know this.

Without wanting to throw around labels I've long since suspected there's something not quite 'normal' about his thought processes and reluctance for change.

To,be honest, I can understand where your husband is coming from . .

(but then I love London)

So what’s his long term solution then? What’s he going to do when your children are bigger and want their own bedrooms or teenagers who want their own space? How will that work?

We lived in a very compact flat above DH's business for nearly 3 years. 2 adults and 3 DC all shoehorned on top of each other. I hated hated hated it, but we'd still be there if DH had his way . He loved it, as he wasn't there for 12 hours a day and couldn't understand why I was like a caged tiger.

After we had the "either we move or we split up" little chat and him realising I meant it, we moved out to a small village and felt like we could all breathe again. The kids excitement at having their own space was amazing.

He found it tough to compromise, and only saw things from his perspective, not the other 4 members of the family. Sometimes you need to just say "enough"

I suspect it's a case of him keeping us hanging around here for as long as possible and making the most of being a live-in-dad until I snap and relocate by myself.

He's actually said before that If I moved away he'd try to come and visit every weekend, if that doesn't say enough about his commitment to us as a family then I don't know what does.

London means more to him than we do, it seems.

He has on occasion said he sees my point and changed his mind but always reverts back to this.

I don't want to be a single parent but he's not leaving me much option.

This does make the issue of how is London going get its I suppose manual workers on that salery the the OP mentioned, if they can't be housed etc?.

so what do you want to do long term.move now to somewhere completely different.
might it be easier with your toddler being so young to move now.are you talking far away and for you both to commute?

I keep thinking how all these solutions – get a sofa bed, do Kondo and declutter, kids & toys in the bedroom with a baby gate, fit work around his work, etc – all fall on you to organise to work around his selfishness. Not that moving and finding work elsewhere with a new baby is simple, but it's a one-step solution with long-term benefits versus plastering over the cracks. Only not with plaster but flour and water paste.

What isn't doable and is actually worse than the living arrangements (which aren't ideal but could be coped with whilst the children are under school age) is your budget! You have £150 plus child benefit (so £140 ish with two kids?) plus a bit of tax credits to pay everything. Are you eating air? What about council tax, water, heating, light? That's very very tight if you need to pay transport, phone of some type, internet at home even on cheap deals. I couldn't do it myself, I really couldn't.

He could get advice with Step Change or one of the debt charities who could help him renegotiate the debt- £250 is ludicrous as they have to allow for priority bills first (so all the ones I mentioned, plus food). They would not take that much if you showed them your living allowances (plus what's the interest rate if he's still paying high rates a couple of years later?)

I agree there's a stubbornness there and I guess you have to decide whether you can call his bluff and threaten/actually move out or whether you can suck it up. I would be exceptionally worried about money in your situation -what if anything breaks? Where's his club money coming from? I don't see that salary sustainable in the long-term with rent at that rate.

I think some changes need to be made.this is making you miserable and wont get better hen the stress of a new born will come along.seriously you don't deserve to live like this.

Could you get yourself on the housing register?

I don't suppose he'll stick to his city living idea for long under those circs!

I've no idea how you're surviving on one modest salary while paying crazy London prices for things.
You need to move somewhere cheaper.

I'm "up North" (only 90 min train to central London) and our mortgage is £650 for a nice 4 bed detached in the catchment of an outstanding school. Imagine what you could do with all the extra ££ per month- nice trips out with the DCs, going on holiday etc

Do you want to relocate by yourself because staying is madness

The waiting lists for council accommodation here are ridiculously long with people waiting 10+ years for a home.

Although we'd be over crowded with the baby were still classed as housed so wouldn't fall anywhere near high priority.

There are families larger than ours stuck in hostels and b&b accommodation for long periods of time, due to the lack of available housing.

I also haven't lived in the burrough for five years, which is part of the criteria needed to apply to join the local housing list.

Despite all of that DP is disillusioned into thinking if we present at the council once the baby arrives they will magic us up a house. His naivety is astounding.

Where does his mum live if she's moved out of London? Is something near her as a compromise to the full move up north an option?

DH would be 10 minutes walk from city.
Kids would love it!
No council tax just mooring fees. If you do register to reside permanently it's Council Tax Band A.

£70k starting price

www.rightmove.co.uk/property-for-sale/property-77548910.html

I think I'd be prepared to move alone if I were better in myself but am reluctant because of my PND. I do feel as though I need his support, which he does provide when he's here.

He knows I rely on him to an extent so feels comfortable putting his foot down about not moving because he knows I'd stall (at least for now) it it came to going alone.

www.ikea.com/gb/en/products/sofas-armchairs/sofa-beds-chair-beds/friheten-corner-sofa-bed-with-storage-skiftebo-dark-grey-spr-09133543/

perhaps something like this for the lounge - what I would say is that many of us have 2 children in one bedroom & perhaps using /hiring external storage

His mum lives in Ipswich. I wouldn't want to live near her she's a cow not very nice.