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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask your thoughts on having two adults, a toddler and a newborn in a studio flat?

297 replies

0valtine · 06/02/2019 19:32

How practical do you think this is? Two adults, a boisterous toddler whos walking and into everything, and a newborn.

One room where you sit/cook/eat/play and then one bedroom. Tiny bathroom and no other space.

Thoughts?

OP posts:
Magpiefeather · 06/02/2019 19:57

Are you financially dependent on him? Is this a deal breaker for your relationship? (Don’t want to catastrophise but it would be for me, if OH was forcing me to live like this and refusing to admit it is an unworkable solution).

What would your ideal solution be?

BarbaraofSevillle · 06/02/2019 19:58

He might change his mind when trying to sleep through the day in the same small space as a crying baby and a bored toddler?

category12 · 06/02/2019 19:59

Are you bending over backwards to keep it quiet during the day so he can sleep?

Cos if you are, I would stop.

In the short-term, it's liveable, but in the long term - no way. Does he see you living like this as they get older?!

Celebelly · 06/02/2019 19:59

Sounds bloody grim. Why does he get the deciding vote? Tell him you're miserable and either you move somewhere that's suitable for a family of your size or he can stay in his one-bed flat on his own.

anniehm · 06/02/2019 20:00

I don't know what he does for a living but unless it's a London specific job you earn almost the same elsewhere and could rent a 4 bed house on what you pay! We live in a city, the shops and restaurants are basically the same but people on ordinary wages can buy houses, despite wages on average being 20% lower (but remember retail and hospitality still have to pay min wage and teachers, nurses etc are on a national pay scheme so are much better off!(

Original poster
0valtine · 06/02/2019 20:00

I am financially dependent on him at the moment yes.

I worked until DS (13 months) was born then became a SAHM. I want to go back to work after DD arrives but childcare here in London would outweigh my earning potential.

Ideal scenario is moving north where everything is cheaper, getting back to work and giving the children a proper home.

OP posts:
NotANotMan · 06/02/2019 20:01

I suggest you give some serious thought to moving somewhere sensible and leaving him to his poky London flat

RandomMess · 06/02/2019 20:01

I hope you leave the bedroom door open whilst he is sleeping!

He is being ridiculous you could easily have a better standard of living by moving out...

Original poster
0valtine · 06/02/2019 20:01

He could sleep through a tornado so I don't need to be quiet in the day whilst he sleeps, thank god.

We're not professionals, he works a basic manual labour job that he could get anywhere in the country as they are ten a penny.

OP posts:
burritofan · 06/02/2019 20:03

If he gets to make unilateral decisions such as "we're staying in this too-small poky space because ooh, London" you get to make unilateral decisions too, and move north.

It sounds completely unsustainable, stressful, and hellishly unfair for him to just decide this.

RandomMess · 06/02/2019 20:03

How much is the rent?

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 06/02/2019 20:04

Sounds completely ridiculous. Unless you have family willing to do stacks of free childcare I can’t see why you’d stay.

Original poster
0valtine · 06/02/2019 20:04

Reasons he's given for not wanting to move:

His family are here
He'd feel isolated elsewhere
London is all he has ever known
There's lots to do (that we can't afford to do!)
His weekend sports club team is here (he doesn't want to join another one elsewhere)

It's basically fuck me and the kids, isn't it.

OP posts:
Ellieboolou27 · 06/02/2019 20:04

We did it for a few months then moved out of London as it was awful. DH didn’t want to move as commute takes an hour longer, best thing we ever did.
I’d discuss with partner and make it clear it’s for a fixed period only.

AnotherEmma · 06/02/2019 20:04

"Discussions were had and agreements reached about relocating which have now been backtracked on, by DP."

Move by yourself then. This post and your subsequent ones have revealed that your partner is a selfish arse who is ignoring and dismissing your wishes and your very real concerns.

So move. He can come, or not.

Mayrhofen · 06/02/2019 20:04

Ok it sounds squashed but if this is how life has to be this is it.

What would I do?

Bunk beds in bedroom. Sofa bed in living room. Declutter. Don’t waste money on unnecessary possessions. Save all you can for a move. Live frugally whilst you are young. Get outside as much as you can. Make the most of all that london has to offer outside the home.

Then get a bit put by and try to get a two bed in the future if London is were you have to be. But as the kids get older your DH may accept that it isn’t actually possible.

CountessVonBoobs · 06/02/2019 20:04

I suggest you give some serious thought to moving somewhere sensible and leaving him to his poky London flat

THIS.

Honestly, the two of you sound like you hate each other (and you sound like you have cause). Are your family up north? I'd think hard about going back to them if they might be able to take you in, or finding a job and place of your own up there.

category12 · 06/02/2019 20:04

So what's his vision of the future? As teenagers, dd sleeping in the bath and ds on the sofa?

Jaxhog · 06/02/2019 20:06

He may want to stay put, but that doesn't trump your sanity. And your sanity will be at risk in this situation. Not to mention your toddler's health. How will you be able to keep an eye on him with a new born as well?

Missingstreetlife · 06/02/2019 20:07

What about work if you move? Can you make or claim more money, move to cheaper area (further out, Essex, Kent) if you go first would he follow?
Any chance of social housing or help to buy scheme?
It will become untenable eventually, even if bearable for now.
What do his family say?

Original poster
0valtine · 06/02/2019 20:07

The only family who help with childcare here is my DM, his family don't do anything for us.

That being said, I'm prepared to sacrifice DMs help in order to have a better standard of living. Without a doubt.

Our rent is £1,000pcm before bills

He earns £1,400pcm after tax

1k of that goes to rent

250 goes to repaying a loan

We survive thanks to child benefits and a very small amount of tax credits

It's ridiculous

OP posts:
WhatTheNightBrings · 06/02/2019 20:07

What is his long term plan?

Mummadeeze · 06/02/2019 20:08

Am about to move into a one bed flat with partner and 10 year old DD to get into the catchment area of a secondary school. But the rooms are big and it has good storage and a wide hallway that will fit a desk. I don’t think I could live how you are for long. I looked at loads of one beds to get a roomy one and they vary a lot. (I couldn’t really afford a two he either)

RandomMess · 06/02/2019 20:09

You could move out to just beyond commuter built and get a lot more for £1k

How often does he see his family?

Missingstreetlife · 06/02/2019 20:10

Sorry xpost, slow typing!

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