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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask your thoughts on having two adults, a toddler and a newborn in a studio flat?

297 replies

0valtine · 06/02/2019 19:32

How practical do you think this is? Two adults, a boisterous toddler whos walking and into everything, and a newborn.

One room where you sit/cook/eat/play and then one bedroom. Tiny bathroom and no other space.

Thoughts?

OP posts:
Original poster
0valtine · 06/02/2019 20:10

He sees his family once in a blue moon, and even then only his DF.

His DM saw sense and left London moons ago, as did his siblings.

OP posts:
WhatTheNightBrings · 06/02/2019 20:10

You'll surely get more than a small amount of tax credits on that wage.

Petalflowers · 06/02/2019 20:11

Can you turn the bedroom into kids bedroom, and have a sofa bed for adults in th email lounge, which you can pull out at night.

PurpleCrazyHorse · 06/02/2019 20:12

Yeah sounds really cramped. We were 2 adults and child in a very small 2-bed house and that was enough to decide not to have a 2nd child while we were there. We at least had a separate kitchen (tiny) but also a garden to offload into during the summer. We moved when DD was 6yo and had DS shortly after.

I think your DP is the problem especially as he doesn't experience it so much. Depending on his/your work, another big city could give you all opportunities but cut housing costs. Birmingham, Nottingham, Liverpool, to name but a few, obviously plenty of others.

It will be a pain when they get older and you need proper beds for them. Presumably they would share the bedroom and you and DP would sleep in the lounge area? More clothes (school uniform plus own clothes), everything gets bigger (shoes, coats) and there will be school bags, PE kit etc. You'll potentially have older toys and baby toys, older books and baby books. Of course it's possible, you'll all be warm, dry and fed, but I wouldn't want this permanently.

Toomuchworking · 06/02/2019 20:12

You've mentioned moving North and for cheaper accomodation I would recommend. Weather is shite mind. You haven't said what his job is but there's so many cities fairly close to one another and commutable from very cheap and nice areas. Childcare is also amazingly cheap in my opinion.
On another note, we are about to be a family of 5 and are concerned about space in a three bedroom house with a garage and small garden so you are definitely not being unreasonable!!

RandomMess · 06/02/2019 20:13

TBH I'd see it as a deal breaker because he's utterly selfish. You can't share a bedroom with the DC in 5 years time (well I suppose no sec and be modest and you could) so what then?

AnotherEmma · 06/02/2019 20:13

What was the loan for, what's the total and whose name is it in? There could well be a better way of dealing with it than £250/month repayments.

You could apply for social housing but the issue is that you need a local connection, so you can apply in London (but I doubt you'll get anything) but can't apply elsewhere unless you work there or have immediate family there.

Honesty I would walk away from him at this point, use savings or borrow from family to get set up somewhere more affordable with job prospects for you. Provided you don't have savings of £16k or more, you will be able to claim benefits if you separate - not a long term solution but it will tide you over until you can get a job (or maybe he'll see sense and join you in the new place... not holding my breath though).

Original poster
0valtine · 06/02/2019 20:14

We do receive some tax credits but it's definitely not alot, and money is always extremely tight.

Realistically I need to go back to work as soon as possible, but the cost of childcare here makes it difficult. Even if we were to split the cost 50/50 we'd struggle to make ends meet here whilst paying for full time childcare for two so young.

OP posts:
AnotherEmma · 06/02/2019 20:16

Have you checked whether you're entitled to any Housing Benefit?

I think the £250/month loan repayment is an issue and you should get debt advice from Citizens advice or another charity.

UnicornRainbowsRain · 06/02/2019 20:17

That sounds unsustainable. You basically have three children

Original poster
0valtine · 06/02/2019 20:17

The loan was for the sum of 2.5k which he took out in his name to get us moved into this flat, when I was pregnant with DS.

He since took another smaller loan out to cover the shortfall of rent one month as he was paid incorrectly by work. I did oppose this but he said needs must.

In total he's paying back £250 a month.

Prior to that I was living with my DM (no longer possible as shes in sheltered accommodation) and he was in a flat share.

OP posts:
Di11y · 06/02/2019 20:17

it sounds like madness mid-long term especially on his salary. but if you have to stay i would get a sofa bed for you in the living room with new born.

homegrownmumma · 06/02/2019 20:18

Can you look into working evenings so you don't have to work during the day and need childcare ? Or weekends if your other half has those as his day off ? I work in a bookies at weekends as it's my husbands day off , I still fit in 20 hours over the weekend

chordFire · 06/02/2019 20:18

@LadyGregorysToothbrush has the answer to this. Sofa bed in front room. I wouldn't want to do it though!

Original poster
0valtine · 06/02/2019 20:19

This place was only ever intended to be a stop gap but he's since refused to relocate completely rendering us stuck here.

There's no available housing here with the council and huge waiting lists, although technically we'd be over crowded when baby arrives.

OP posts:
AnotherEmma · 06/02/2019 20:20

Ok so if you leave him the loan isn't your problem

If you stay with him, the loan repayments can and should be reduced to a more affordable amount

PurpleCrazyHorse · 06/02/2019 20:21

I agree with others actually, that I'd be considering relocating without him if he doesn't discuss this and acknowledge the issues. Plus you say you have a DS and will have a DD. They can't share indefinitely and it will be harder for you to get back into work the longer you are out (I'm out 4 years and struggle at interview to have relevant examples to talk about).

I wonder if he's sabotaging your return to work plans by staying somewhere so expensive with such expensive childcare? You therefore remain dependent on him while he calls all the shots?

Tartanwallpaper · 06/02/2019 20:21

Change your sofa for a sofa bed. Co sleep with toddler and have baby in Moses basket. Put all the toys and baby equipment in what was the bedroom, put a safety gate in it and call it a playroom and put kids in there for cooking and when you need space?

ItsLikeRainOnYourWeddingDay · 06/02/2019 20:21

Absolutely insane to consider. When the newborn is screaming and wakes the toddler it is going to be awful.

Original poster
0valtine · 06/02/2019 20:21

His nights off change on a weekly basis so it's hard to find work for myself around that.

He gets two nights off per week (not together) and they're different every week. He's exhausted on his nights off (understandably) and sleeps throughout the next day to prepare for work again the following night.

He's known to nod off constantly when he's home and doesn't hear the baby so couldn't be left alone with them.

OP posts:
MeadowHay · 06/02/2019 20:22

I agree with pp, your situation atm is shit (sorry) and actually he seems to be making your life more difficult, not easier. Move up north. He can come with if he wants. If he doesn't, you probably will still have an easier life, by the sounds of his behaviour.

P.S. Liverpool is great. Grin

AnotherEmma · 06/02/2019 20:22

Does he actually add anything helpful to your life?

Because there are some big negatives

homegrownmumma · 06/02/2019 20:23

I wouldn't want to encourage an ultimatum but maybe if it was between losing his family or moving away with you he would make the right choice
If he chooses to stay in London then you know his family is not his priority

AnotherEmma · 06/02/2019 20:23

Cross post, Meadow said what I wanted to but better Grin

Ithinkmycatisevil · 06/02/2019 20:24

It actually sounds really tough! I cannot understand your DPs not wanting to improve your situation.

You wouldn't have to go up north, if that's what's putting him off, not that there anything wrong with the north, but he might feel it's just too far from family. I'm in the south (but not south east) and you can rent a nice three bed semi here for £750 or so a month.