To regularly check my 14 year old's phone

[Frazzels]

14 year old DD has had a phone since she was 10 but I've always monitored what she does. She didn't mind it up until recently and she's saying her friend's parents don't do this. I'm doing it because she could access anything through that phone, I just want to make sure she's being sensible with it and she's safe. It does feel a bit like an invasion of her privacy and most people I know with DC of a similar age don't do this

It's a real tricky one. You want to keep her safe but she values and needs her privacy. I just talked to my DC about the potential dangers of smart phones, such as cyber bullying, nude photos, group chat rooms and that people have fake identity and are always who they say they are. This helped them take some responsibility for their own safety whilst allowing them to use their phones without me checking them.

I would probably be easing off on regular checking a bit at this age, with the agreement that I could spot check it if needed.

I guess it depends what you’re checking.

Quick scan at apps, and friend requests- no problem.

But if you’re reading every last message thread between her and her friends even when there’s nothing concerning on there- then I think you’ve crossed the line into plain old nosiness.

Tbh you need to develop trust by talking to each other, not checking on her.

I have a 14yr old DD-she would hand her phone over if I asked but I won’t-trust is a mutual thing and she has to trust that she can come to you/make mistakes sometimes/you’ll have her back. We talk about issues and sometimes make jokes about it-she loves to tell me how she’s posting topless pics on snapchat and thinks she is being funny! But we’ve had that conversation and talked about consequences. At some point you have to trust that you have brought them up well and that they will make good choices-though we all know teenagers can make bad ones, but my DD knows that if that happens she can talk to me about it, not that I will be checking her phone.

I think it is perfectly fine to check your child's phone until they are 16. As long as you are checking for the right reason and doing it in a sensitive and relaxed way then there is absolutely problem. It is a condition of them being allowed to have the phone in the first place, and they should agree to it before being given one.

I mostly just scan through apps, i do check the messaging apps but don't read through every message. I follow her social media anyway and sometimes what she watches on netflix as there's a few things I wouldn't want her to watch just yet but a while ago whilst checking her phone I realised she had another instagram account she hadn't told me about

Personally I think it's a dreadful invasion of privacy and would drive me to secretive and underhand behaviour - setting up accounts that you didn't know about for example! How on earth will you create an atmosphere of trust and love if you clearly demonstrate that you don't trust her?

Have you asked her what her school says about online bullying? How they warn the students about sexting etc etc? You will achieve so much more by talking and discussing than you will by doing this.

And as for doing it until they're 16... words fail me.

I have never done it to Ds1. Never needed to. I think it's wrong. There needs to be trust and privacy. I think she's right.

Once, and only once, was there a minor problem on WhatsApp or whatever, and Ds1 came to me. We looked through the screenshots together. Took screenshots and he sent them to me. Good job we did because they promptly disappeared.

If she's not mature enough, to deal with it generally, or there are friendship problems and girl bitchiness, for example, then those need to be addressed as separate issues,

Say: (personal and personnel skills, morals and how you conduct yourself, not lowering yourself to the levels of other bitchy girls, being strong and your own person. How to deal with bullying - all just general examples)

not as specifically phone issues, ifswim.

My stepdaughter is 12 and we are still at the stage of quite thoroughly checking her phone (not really reading messages...they're so dull! but more scanning them).

She only got her first phone last year when she started secondary school so it's a learning curve. We check apps as well (she's forbidden from having Snapchat) and, being an IT nerd, I could access her history remotely from my Mac (never done it but I hope the idea that I could acts as a deterrent)

Personally, I expect to phase out the checking a bit over the next couple of years. Hopefully by 14 it will a simple scan of internet history and a check on images sent/received. Personally, I have no interest in her conversations with her friends (although, having been privvy to a couple, they are a good cure for insomnia).

TwitterQueen1 my social worker friend would take a very dim view of parents that dont check devices that teenage kids regularly use such as a smart phone, up to the age of 16.

It it a safeguarding issue.

I can that children with additional needs or those lacking in social skills would need more supervision and monitoring but otherwise I maintain it's a huge invasion of privacy. I would never have dreamed of telling any of my DCs that I was going to go through their phones.

I use Qustodio to monitor what apps my DD13 uses and websites she visits, and to limit screen time. It has the option that I can read her text messages, but I don't - if I want to see her messages for some reason, I ask her and she's OK with that. She recently had her first boyfriend and I checked their messages then - though less and less frequently, as there was nothing alarming, I trusted her to tell me if there was, and to be honest I felt nosey doing it.

I agree that it is hugly important to discuss Internet safety, sexting, only connecting with people you know etc. My DD knows that she can ask me anything.

There's, in my opinion, a fine line between respect for privacy and negligence. I believe that allowing a teenager un-monitored access to social media and the internet steps over that line.

When I was 14, if you had your boy/girlfriend over your parents would always tell you to keep the bedroom door open (I wonder if parents still do this).

This, I believe, is a similar scenario except, thanks to social media and the internet, it isn't just their boy/girlfriend in their room with them (for hours on end, with the metaphorical door closed), it is everyone they know and strangers too. I see checking the phone as a means of popping you head through the door every now and then to make sure everything's OK.

Sorry for the metaphor but I hope you understand my point.

Razor :

"It it a safeguarding issue."

I don't agree with that. I feel strongly that this is wrong.

We are now being told it's a 'safeguarding issue' if you DON'T check your child's phone.

Really?
Negligent? Neglectful patenting?
Is that Procedure and protocol in Schools and SS now?

DD is 12 and knows that monitoring of phone when we see fit is part of the agreement that she has a phone. We are paying for it. We don't do it all the time by any means but DD knows I can and do spot checks as and when. To be fair DD tells me most of what is going on anyway. Having seen the awful reports on what some young people have been looking at on insta etc has only further justified my position.

Would you like your mum going through your phone now or your daughter ? I had a phone at 14 I’m pretty young and I’d be furious if my mum went through my phone ,I knew the dangers of the cyber world enough to protect myself but not only that my conversations are private my pictures are private ,I used to bitch about my parents to my mates as you do at 14 or talk about crushes etc and anyhow they know how to delete stuff they’re not silly they can just hide stuff from you haha

I'm no doubt being hugely melodramatic and don't have a teen yet anyway but in my mind 'invasion of privacy' vs 'dead child' - well, I know which wins for me. I've seen what's on Tumblr. And the child of a friend of a friend was online groomed, lured out of his home and murdered.

Kids don’t need to be watched at all times they need to be educated properly ,Girls I went to school with would delete apps before they got home then download them again after their parents had a nosey or they’d make fake accounts or set up accounts using different names ,My 15 year old sister had an account with all of us following and then another under the name “Courtney love” where she would post everything her strict Dad didn’t agree with like half naked pictures and it’s got nothing to do with parenting they’re all at it or were when I was at school ,They will find a way to hide things from you more so if you’re strict about it it’s the modern day equivalent to when you left the house with your skirt to your knee then pulled it right up when you met your friends at school ,Hate to say it but kids now are masters of hiding things you’d have to sync your phones to get accurate info from them

There's a lot of things that I would do to keep my teen safe that I wouldn't expect my own mother would need to do to me now as an adult. Teenagers may think they are all grown up and know all the risks but, the fact is, they aren't. I wouldn't expect to tell my mum where I was going each time I leave the house now as an adult, but I would expect to know where my teen was going and who with because she still needs me to protect her.

it really isn't the equivalent of rolling your skirt up at all. In any way, shape or form.

Parents who view this as an invasion of privacy are living in a dreamworld. Of course you should be aware of what your young teenagers are doing with their phones.

Obviously some kids aren’t hiding things and I don’t mean to scare anyone I’m just saying I’m young enough to have been a teen when phones and apps were a thing so I know the tricks I remember what people were doing to hide from their parents I’m just saying if your kid is doing something they shouldn’t be they very much know how to hide it from you and get away with it

I'm no doubt being hugely melodramatic and don't have a teen yet anyway but in my mind 'invasion of privacy' vs 'dead child' - well, I know which wins for me.

This. The benefits far outweigh the drawbacks in my mind.

But my point is going through your kids phone is already telling them you don’t trust them already telling them that they’re not grown enough to look after them self like you are so all you’re doing is pushing them away ,You’re acting like they’ve failed youre looking to find something and if they do have something to hide they’re going to hide it ,They’ll delete it before you can see it ,Parents need to take a much different approach to this problem because kids can delete things and what about snapchat ? How do you ensure they’re not doing anything bad on an app that erases all evidence after 10 seconds for example

I check DS’s (11) phone roughly weekly and i’m really glad I do. I’ve seen bullying, racist memes (not from him but posted on Insta) and sexualised photos from an 11 year old girl. I’ve been able to discuss them all with him.

It’s not him I don’t trust, it’s people who contact him or who he follows. I’ve told him I’ll check occasionally so I don’t think it’s snooping. I think by age 14 I would be backing off though.