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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To regularly check my 14 year old's phone

168 replies

Frazzels · 06/02/2019 09:42

14 year old DD has had a phone since she was 10 but I've always monitored what she does. She didn't mind it up until recently and she's saying her friend's parents don't do this. I'm doing it because she could access anything through that phone, I just want to make sure she's being sensible with it and she's safe. It does feel a bit like an invasion of her privacy and most people I know with DC of a similar age don't do this

OP posts:
NotANotMan · 06/02/2019 12:36

To those who say that teenagers delete stuff - of course they do, but they don't always delete everything. Cheating spouses delete stuff but they still get caught.
I don't want to read all my DS's Whatsapps but I do want to periodically check that he's only messaging friends and nobody has added anyone I don't know to any group chats.
I also want to check his apps and make sure he hasn't added any I don't want him to have such as Instagram and snapchat (he's too young)
When he's old enough for those apps I will still want to check them regularly. That doesn't mean I will read his messages but I will want to check who he is following and who follows him.

NotANotMan · 06/02/2019 12:36

And if he is following inappropriate content or being followed by complete strangers then we will have a conversation about it.

IfNotNowThenWhy · 06/02/2019 13:02

Of course yanbu.
Anyone who expects to totally trust a 14 year old's judgment is living in cloud cuckoo land.
Spot checks are nessecary-random checking of social media and chat apps etc.
We have a rule that if I randomly say "hand it over" then that's what happens. I have been clear from the off-your phone is not private. Your diary, your conversations, your thoughts, yep, have all the privacy you need.
I honestly wish parents would be less concerned for their kids right to live totally private lives and more concerned with their actually wellbeing. Maybe then we would have fewer 13 year olds walking round showing their friends hardcore porn on their phones because their parents think they can be trusted. And fewer kids being groomed. You may even have a super trustworthy teen, but they are still kids and trust me predators are cleverer than they are.
Pshh. It makes me so mad when patents are slack on this issue tbh.

PBo83 · 06/02/2019 13:05

@IfNotNowThenWhy

"I honestly wish parents would be less concerned for their kids right to live totally private lives and more concerned with their actually wellbeing."

Absolutely spot on.

Goldenbear · 06/02/2019 13:07

The fact is bullying, harsh words, aggressive language written about someone on a screen is so much easier to deliver than in person, hence it being prolific. I am like a PP and can't believe the disgusting language I am reading that my year 7 child has been subject to since starting secondary school. I wish the other parents would check and remind their children that being an online bully is not a right of passage. On paper my child goes to a much better school than I did, I remember a few fights, some swearing but this is off the scale. All children from very middle-class homes in a part of the country that's seen as very liberal and tolerant!

Nat6999 · 06/02/2019 13:09

I have never checked my DS phone, but he has spoken to me whenever anything that has worried him has come on his phone. If I insisted on checking his phone he would start to be secretive & the open relationship we have where he can speak to me about anything would be broken. I have always trusted him & have never had any reason to not trust him.

IfNotNowThenWhy · 06/02/2019 13:11

lljkk-ds isn't quite as tech savvy as he thinks he is, and I can see way more than he thinks I can...Grin
of course there will be stuff parents miss,but the fact that they know you might check, I think, makes them feel more secure in some way.
These mini computers that connect them to the wonders AND horrors of the whole world are quite a responsibility in young hands I think.

user1466690252 · 06/02/2019 13:13

A fake snap chat account has been set up in our town by someone. It has been used to put nudes, screen shots of convos and the like on their story “exposing” people. It is vile and the police are involved but worryingly to a lot of parents, they had no idea there teens were sending or receiving nudes. Mine are too young at the moment, but I will be checking, probably on an app like others have said so it’s less obvious.

Titsywoo · 06/02/2019 13:15

I did this when she was in year 7 and first had her phone but now she's 14 I have stopped. She needs privacy and it makes things difficult if I read something and then can't talk to her about it without admitting I look and knowing she'll find a way to cover things up in the future and never tell me stuff again! I'm confident she is sensible enough to generally make good decisions.

Titsywoo · 06/02/2019 13:20

We've put the fear of god into our kids over internet security. They don't use instagram or anything because of it. There are no pics of them online. They don't chat to strangers. My dh works in the industry so we drilled it into them from when they were about 4 and started playing silly games on the net.

jessstan2 · 06/02/2019 13:22

What BarbedBloom said, page one. There comes a time when you have to trust your kids, I'm sure you've told her everything she needs to know, you can do no more.

Goldenbear · 06/02/2019 13:27

A child's brain is still developing, morality doesn't form independently - there are so many influences on its establishment- the environment around them being one of them. Parents are an influence but they're not the only influence, this is why a chat about right and wrong, sending them on their way with complete trust in using the internet as they wish is not enough.

PBo83 · 06/02/2019 13:30

@Jessstan2 " There comes a time when you have to trust your kids, I'm sure you've told her everything she needs to know, you can do no more."

So when your kids get to age 14 you relinquish all control and give them unrestricted access to the internet?

MarshaBradyo · 06/02/2019 13:33

Dh sees all images uploaded to WhatsApp just how it’s set up but very handy, and also I’ve looked at the chats

No IG or FB for 13 yr old. He’s not interested in any social media other than chatting to his friends on a message App anyway

Auntiepatricia · 06/02/2019 13:37

I was thinking about this today and I think I will set the rule that phones are my concern and open to be checked regularly until they are 16. If they want to have private conversations they can still chat to people but at least there is no record of what has been said somewhere. If they have a diary I would never check that as long as it’s not hooked up to the internet, so a handwritten journal is private and not for me to view. The fact is that they should not be writing or sending anything digitally that they wouldn’t want me to see. So for private things they need to take them offline.

Tiddler7 · 06/02/2019 13:39

Breck Bednar was 14. His parents also thought he was very sensible.

Onthebrink87 · 06/02/2019 13:42

I find that in most cases (definately not all) that the more trust you show the more sensible they tend to be, grated my eldest son is only 11, but we have always had a really good relationship and had good communications. He came downstairs the other night to tell me he started to watch a film then realised it was a 12 so paused it straight away and came to apologise and asked if I could have a quick look to see if he's ok to watch it or not! But he's a dream! My 5 year old son however is very strong willed and quite defiant so im sure my attitude may well change in the next 10 years! 😂 at the end of the day, you know your child so do what is right for your family. What other parents do or don't do and is of no concern so keep doing what's right for you!

IfNotNowThenWhy · 06/02/2019 13:46

The fact is that they should not be writing or sending anything digitally that they wouldn’t want me to see. So for private things they need to take them offline.

YYY!

Original poster
Frazzels · 06/02/2019 13:48

I haven't read through the entire thread yet but I just wanted to say I do have a very close relationship with DD and majority of the time she tells me things before i find them but what if the odd occasion that she doesn't it's something serious? We talk about grooming, online safety but I don't feel like she takes it as seriously as she should, I do trust her but she could find herself being groomed before she realises what's going

OP posts:
Auntiepatricia · 06/02/2019 13:50

The reality is that they are 14. No 14yr old, sensible or otherwise has a full enough understanding or maturity to protect themselves fully. That’s our job till they ARE old enough to do so.

Wallywobbles · 06/02/2019 13:55

We maintain the right to look and if they change their security settings without telling me/us thy loose the phone. That said I check very very rarely. It's all so dull. I do all the updates etc. And I try to listen when they talk. We've had so many fucking idiots things they've done. It's always just a matter of time before the next one.

PBo83 · 06/02/2019 13:57

@AuntiePatricia

"The reality is that they are 14. No 14yr old, sensible or otherwise has a full enough understanding or maturity to protect themselves fully. That’s our job till they ARE old enough to do so."

Absolutely. My 12 stepdaughter is, I would consider, very sensible. Is she sensible enough to have unrestricted access to the internet? Is she sensible enough to recognise grooming? Kid's are curious and have an over-inflated opinion of their own invincibility. It is our job to protect them.

Comefromaway · 06/02/2019 13:59

Breck's story is terrifying. I saw the documentry and it was eye opening. He was a clever, decent, lad from a good family. It could happen to anyone.

Tweety1981 · 06/02/2019 14:00

Why did she need a phone at age 10 ?

SleepDeprivedCabbageBrain · 06/02/2019 14:08

Bonkers to let your kids have unmonitored access to the Internet. I cannot imagine a situation where I would be ok with that.

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