To regularly check my 14 year old's phone

[Frazzels]

14 year old DD has had a phone since she was 10 but I've always monitored what she does. She didn't mind it up until recently and she's saying her friend's parents don't do this. I'm doing it because she could access anything through that phone, I just want to make sure she's being sensible with it and she's safe. It does feel a bit like an invasion of her privacy and most people I know with DC of a similar age don't do this

I disagree with all the latest posters. I don't think I'm living in a dreamworld. I take offence at that.

I just think the focus is wrong. Why focus on the phone?

If you have no trust between you and your dd/ds, if you haven't taught them that they can come and talk to you if there ever WAS a problem. Then maybe you should be focusing on those areas of your relationship and your parenting duty.

It's almost mollycoddling. You don't trust them enough? They don't have their own moral guidelines at 14.

I knew what was w
Right and wrong. Ds1 does too. Even my Ds2 knows.

I'd only have to do the expression if they claimed otherwise!!

Kayleigh Haywood was fifteen. She 'met' someone on Facebook and exchanged text messages with him. It took him two weeks to convince her to go and meet him.

Yes, teenagers will always be sneaky and do things behind their parents backs (We were the same and I'm sure their kids will be the same).

This doesn't mean that we don't try and protect them and prevent them from exposing themselves to potential harm.

An old school example, when I was younger (can't remember the exact age) I had a couple of friends over to stay. We were allowed two beers each (Agreed with the other parents). I had been educated about 'the dangers of alcohol' etc. This didn't stop us from sourcing a litre bottle of vodka and hiding it in the lounge where we would be sleeping. When my friends came over we went to retrieve the booze, the beers were there but the (hidden) vodka?...Gone.

Unbeknownst to me, my parents had done a sweep of the lounge and found/removed it. Looking back this could have prevented a horrible incident where one (or all three) of us could have easily ended up in hospital as we were relatively inexperienced with alcohol. Yes, we'd had the education and the chats with the parents but we were teenagers so obviously 'we knew best'.

All the dangerous situations I put myself in when I was a teenager were occasions when I ignored parental advice and where I managed to 'get one past' them. Luckily, I live to tell the tale but I'm thankful that they were so involved and managed to prevent a large proportion of the stupid shit I'd have done by being both intuitive and, to some extent, invasive.

It’s not him I don’t trust, it’s people who contact him or who he follows.

No. You don't trust him.
And if people who contact him aren't legit?
And why is he following? Or involved in a group in which bullying or inappropriate messaging is going on. Why hasn't he Chosen* to leave? Himself?

I wouldn't go through dd's phone. We have had long conversations about use of the internet though - basically you should never post on line anything you "wouldn't want me or a future employer to see" as whats on there can be copied, shared and basically never goes away ever. We have discussed online bullying - and she knows she can talk to me if she has any issues.

My DD is nearly 13. Her phone is set up as a child phone on my account so every app request has to be authorised by me. She has screen time limits and our home WiFi has parental controls so any websites with adult content are automatically blocked. We talk regularly about social media (she only has WhatsApp) and taking care about messages and photos. I intermittently check messages (which are mostly just memes and emojis!).
I strongly believe children need protection for their own good until they are old enough to be better at handling it themselves.

@Dawn96

"But my point is going through your kids phone is already telling them you don’t trust them"

• You can never trust a teenager 100%. If you can tell me that you never lied to your parents as a teen, never snuck out, never lied about where you were going then I will eat my words.

"...already telling them that they’re not grown enough to look after them self"

• The biggest danger to teenagers is they THINK they know it all, they THINK they're invincible and the THINK they can look after themselves. I did but, looking back, when I DID manage to 'get one past' my parents, I'd find myself (at 14-ish) down some back alley, at night, drinking super-strength cider with my mates and putting myself in all sorts of danger.

dawn not that I don't trust my child - but I have no reason to trust anyone else. I wear a seatbelt, not just because it's the law, but because I don't trust other drivers out there.

And whilst it's nice to think that what me and DH have to say on a subject is what will be uppermost in DD's mind always, I don't really think that's true. Their peers will have a huge influence on them - peers whose parents let them do whatever.

Exactly Martha. And fortunately we are becoming more and more aware. Parents and children.

Mental health.
Bullying.
Internet safety.

Constant talks, meetings and reminders. Getting better. Upped the anti recently, majorly.

Ds2's primary has given many recent talks. As are the secondaries.

Parents are being asked to talk to their children about this.

Which was exactly my core point. Addressing, At least trying to address the core problem rather than focusing on the phone.

I don't keep tabs on my teenager's phone, but I pay for it, I have the passcode for it, and it's an unspoken rule that I could look at it any time if I wanted to.
I don't think it's unreasonable to do that under 16, and the knowledge of that rule I think is enough.
I'd only look if I had good reason to think that there was something going on that shouldn't be.

i think its absolutely necessary to have a quick scan of teenagers phones up until about 16.

no matter how morally conscious/aware your child is, social media opens them up to a world of vulnerability that most adults cant even handle.

Exactly what are you going to do if you find something on phone you don't like...

I have mixed feelings. I'm the bad mum who never checked (dd often thanks me for that). DD tells me everything. For better or worse. Because I know what she's doing I can influence her decisions how to do it. DD's decision set is pretty good so far (now 17). DSs, I don't check their phones either (DS2 also tells me everything, DS1 not so much).

I hear a lot of stories about kids lying, sneaking, deleting texts or whatsapp msgs so parents don't find out. The same kids would never tell their parents anything about their emotional life. No adult guidance, hard to find an adult to help them fix problems when things go wrong. More likely to believe nonsense info.

Maybe a teen can have an open frank relationship & still be monitored intimately. I don't know how that works. I would have resented the monitoring when I was a teen & that would have damaged communication.

PBo, And part of growing up IS testing the waters, and pushing the boundaries.

We need to give them space. They need to make mistakes.

Sneaking a swig of your mother's cassis or Malibu or Cinzano [yuk] isn't that 1/2 the journey?

Please don’t think that going through your kids phone will keep them safe ,is all I’m trying to say you have to give them the tools which I know you all will because you’re all clearly very caring parents but it’s shocking how many children don’t know the dangers ,When I worked with NCS we did an activity where we showed them different profiles and asked them to identify if they were to be trusted or not and they all said they would trust all of the profiles and they would accept them as a friends they were all fake and all complete strangers and they all said they’d add them ,Now after we showed them a video of how easy it is to be groomed and hurt they said they didn’t really realise the dangers now if you check your child’s phone weekly they could’ve been and met that person in that time ,or if they’re talking to that person and exchanging nudes they could delete that evidence or
Just say “that person I added goes to my school” whereas if they really knew the intentions of these people and knew the dangers they may not have ever even added that person. I don’t speak from my bottom I speak from experience ,By all means check the phone but there’s no garuntee that you’ve seen everything. I don’t want to scare people as I say I was a teen with a phone and I have worked with teens I know the tricks and I know the loopholes and I know some parents don’t explain why it’s dangerous and what to do and often kids aren’t in danger aren’t doing anything wrong but like I say just ranting about you or talking about a crush or a million other embarrassing things they don’t want you to see

I feel I need to clarify... when I say kids who don't tell their parents things: DD tells me these stories about her friends. Her friends who would not trust their parents enough to tell them stuff. The kids still do naughty stuff. They learn to hide it very well.

@Oblamov

“No. You don't trust him.
And if people who contact him aren't legit?
And why is he following? Or involved in a group in which bullying or inappropriate messaging is going on. Why hasn't he Chosen* to leave? Himself?”

Because he’s 11 and he’s learning.

When Ds1 does occasionally show me, I wander off and start pottering, constantly laughing at what drivel they all talk!

I think 14 is far too old to be checking her phone.

If you have no trust between you and your dd/ds, if you haven't taught them that they can come and talk to you if there ever WAS a problem. Then maybe you should be focusing on those areas of your relationship and your parenting duty

It's almost mollycoddling. You don't trust them enough? They don't have their own moral guidelines at 14

I don't 'trust' my kids to be able to withstand grooming from an abuser because they are KIDS

And why is he following? Or involved in a group in which bullying or inappropriate messaging is going on. Why hasn't he Chosen to leave? Himself?*

You don't have a clue how grooming and abuse works. Stop expecting children to prevent their own abuse.

Let's hope the 'learning' is extremely speedy Then Bear.
Because else a Year 7, HoY will be approaching such parents.

And the fact that their child was even There, in said group, speaks volumes.

What will all the other children say? claiming 'it wasn't me sir, didn't do anything" isn't really good enough. when said child was sat there watching it all go on, is it?

Passive bystander?

NotMan.
You've misquoted me. I meant, was referring to bullying and online chat re peers. WhatsApp etc. At school.

I wasn't talking about grooming.

Personally, I believe there is a lot of nativity being perpetuated under the guise of 'respecting privacy' and 'having a good relationship'.

My stepdaughter has a wonderful, close relationship with her mum (speaking as stepfather here, we have a good relationship too but obviously I'm not the 'go to' for girly/woman stuff).

She will tell my wife/us about problems with friends, some of the inappropriate things that her friends talk about etc. So should we think 'That's OK then, she's obviously being open and honest about everything'? Of course not.

What if there's something she's genuinely embarrassed to talk about? What if she has done something she's ashamed of or been looking at things online which she knows she shouldn't? Can I guarantee she'd come to us and talk about it? A quick scan of internet history and sent/received images etc. would highlight any areas of genuine concern so they can be addressed quickly.

"Stop expecting children to prevent their own abuse."

I'm not expecting that. I never said that. Show me where I did? Nope!

I'm not agreeing with, or blaming children for grooming. Or being abused.

I'm looking at holding other children accountable.
I'm expecting secondary school children to have the moral compass to not participate in a group, that is bullying one of their peers.

@Oblomov19 "I wasn't talking about grooming." - But how would you know if they were being groomed? As another poster said, you are expecting children to prevent their own abuse.