To regularly check my 14 year old's phone

[Frazzels]

14 year old DD has had a phone since she was 10 but I've always monitored what she does. She didn't mind it up until recently and she's saying her friend's parents don't do this. I'm doing it because she could access anything through that phone, I just want to make sure she's being sensible with it and she's safe. It does feel a bit like an invasion of her privacy and most people I know with DC of a similar age don't do this

@SleepDeprivedCabbageBrain

100% agree, the internet literally has ALL of the world's evils on it, accessible 24/7 in the privacy of your own bedroom. It has a lot of good stuff too but kids/teens are curious and, as sensible as many are, there is always the temptation to cross that line.

In my day, curious just meant sneaking a top-shelf magazine inside a copy of The Angling Times and sneaking a quick look. Now, everything is accessible and shareable in an instant and that includes the children themselves.

I agreed DD (13) could have Instagram and snapchat only if she gave me her log in details. I can log in from my phone anytime without her knowing so there are no arguments because she doesn't know. Just keeping her safe that's all x

Don’t know how to link on my phone. Buy Kayleigh by all accounts was a sensible, caring and bright young lady. I’d rather ds was pissed off with me because I’d looked at his phone. At least he’s here to be pissed off at me

Oh the link worked. Fab!

I think its really difficult and I agree with all the pp on keeping thing with trust and privacy for your teenagers/them being able to come to you etc... but with the current storys in the news with how open kids are to vunerable content I think this has me more and leaning to protecting them more.

I hovered over DS's phone for a while, until I understood his patterns of posting but since then I have backed off. He's now 19 so an adult (techically), and is far more tech-savvy than me. He's also spent intensive time working IRL, and is gradually forming the view that he prefers real friendships and relationships with people he knows and those known to them. He plays games with strangers on line, but he's not going out to connect with them.

There were no mobile phones during my teens but except in a couple of rather liberal and hippyish homes our parents checked our bags and pockets, read our diaries, rang other parents if we said we were seeing friends etc. Right up until age 18 and going off to uni or work as we were considered children until then. However, I agree that over management of teens is not good. Me and my friends got into some sticky situations at 18 because we'd never learned to handle things, assess situations, drink in moderation etc. So I suppose with phones there needs to be both monitoring and education, with monitoring gradually reduced with age unless there are specific reasons for concern. But 14 is still young and high risk for bullying, grooming and all kinds of nasties.

Monitoring the cell phone is parenting 101. The internet is forever. It is distinctly different than reading paper notes passed between friends.

With a 14 year old, I'd be the all over rash! Now.

I think encouraging an open dialogue about social media and potential dangers of being online is far preferable than checking her phone. She will feel you dont gtust her and resort to hiding things

We have an agreement here that I can check their phones anytime. They are 13 and 15. Their phones are left downstairs to charge at night so they know I periodically have a look.

They don’t know when or how often so they don’t delete stuff to hide it as they don’t really think about it now.

One of the things we’ve chatted about is that they, especially the younger as she’s very quiet, actually like that I do because they can decline group chats with some friends that they know get out of line (her words) and say “oh my mum checks my phone and she’ll freak”.

It’s the same as I know from the way they ask on the phone if they can go somewhere or stay out later that they actually want me to say no so they don’t have to go, but also don’t lose face in front of their friends.

This is a really different frame of mind where we are. We live in the US now, and as far as many people are concerned, if your child is a minor, having a smartphone is like having a loaded weapon. People here use Disney Circle and Bark to check for any alarming activity. It's normal here for parents to think of their minors' smartphones as 'loaned items' rather than they property of a child.You are paying for it, they are under the age of consent for many things, therefore, you own it. Knowing was it available for children online if you don't have any safeguards in place, I understand this point-of-view.

At 19 I’m surprised he’s not on tinder and things by now 😅

My DD is 13. She has had a phone for a couple of years. I will insist on having all passwords.

I am able to check anything and everything.

She was accused of something nasty a few weeks ago. I demanded her phone the second she got in. She handed it over without argument. Yes, she was at fault to a degree, lost her phone for a week as punishment. She doesn't hate me for this.

I pay the bill, she is a minor, I am in charge.

This has not affected out closeness or her ability to talk to me. She plays a game with chat on it. She has been asked for her insta and Snapchat on this by 'lads'. She reads it out to me! She knows not to give her details to randoms!

@TheBigFatMermaid

Good parenting (said in the least patronising way possible...sorry). Sounds like my stepdaughter, we check her phone, she knows we do (although we never tell her when) and, if there is drama, we can intervene.

As a side note, isn't it amazing how much drama teen/near-teen (mine's 12) girls can create through a simple WhatsApp group. We had a week of drama purely ABOUT WhatsApp groups (who's adding who, who's admin etc.). Yup, she lost the phone for a week too!

Power to the parents (and stepparents!) Seriously though, I believe it is essential to check, curiosity, the internet, naivety (mixed with a know-it-all attitude), hormones, social media and teenagedom are a dangerous mix!

My daughter is 11 and half and had her first phone at Christmas.

We will flip through it every so often. Google searches, texts and WhatsApp. She isn’t allowed any social media.

Found a gooogle search for ‘what to do if you love someone who doesn’t know’.

It might be an error, or a pop up link took her there, who knows. But my kids have had a sheltered upbringing, she won’t even walk to the end of the road in her own, that sort of thing, so to learn she’s thinking about boys, well, just goes to show you don’t know your kids as well as you think

They’re officially kids til they’re 16. We will continue to monitor use until then.
Given what was in the news recently about the 14 year old girl taking her own life because of what she was viewing on her phone, I think parents should ignore the privacy issues of their children and take responsibility for their phone use.

" I think parents should ignore the privacy issues of their children and take responsibility for their phone use."

I've never done a 'This' post before but here goes....

....^ This ^

(Oooh, that felt good!)

curiosity, the internet, naivety (mixed with a know-it-all attitude), hormones, social media and teenagedom are a dangerous mix

very well said.

I've never done that to my DC. They are 19 and 17 now and I've always trusted them.

First of all I taught them as much as I possibly could about the internet, about being safe, about how to keep private and how to use it's amazing power for good.

Secondly, when they were young the PC & tablet were in the kitchen / living room, so that it felt like a shared resource that we all used and nothing had to be hidden or private. If they came across something unsavoury we'd talk about it.

Once they were old enough for smart phones, I felt that they'd been equipped with good skills. Once again, we all talked about APPs we used, other peoples posts and messages. They showed me stuff, I showed them stuff. DS ran into a few problems by being caught up in a stream of banter with friends that got out of hand but he came to me and we sorted it out together.

I went to all the school social media information evenings and made the DC come with me and reinforced whenever I could how to be safe and positive with online engagement - across whatever platform being used.

I'd much rather do that than be spying remotely which to me seems distrustful and suspicious.

For better or worse, we check with key loggers in secret.

There's no 'rights to [whatever] when you're a child in my house.

We talk regularly about safety online and wherever else but as a parent, I parent (v) and sometimes that means going behind my children's back. If I find infromation I wish I hadn't then that's my issue.

I spot check all of my teens phones every couple of weeks/month. They all know this and I only glance at messages not read them all. My now 16yo never minded and I stop checking at around 16. Tbf though we all get on well and tend to be fairly open about life

I check my 13 yr olds phone and see nothing negative about doing so. I couldn't care less if it hurts her feelings of trust, I'd much rather keep her safe.

"Parents who view this as an invasion of privacy are living in a dreamworld. Of course you should be aware of what your young teenagers are doing with their phones."

This was brought home to me around five years ago, when a mate told me the problems him and his wife were having with their 14 year old daughter. She was very secretive about her phone and didn't want anyone touching it, until one day the mother took it off her, and there was an extreme raction, the daughter started ranting and swearing at the mother, then rushed up to her room.
It transpired that the daughter had been contacting a much older man and was sending pictures to him on a regular basis.
Trusting a child is all well and good, but in this day and age, awareness and prevention are all important IMO.

Well obviously you'll need to back off soon. I can totally see the temptation but honestly you're leaving her less protected this way. Since she knows you check it she can still look at do and say whatever she wants but she'll just have to not do it on her phone or hide it on her phone. You can't protect kids that way. By 14 you should be developing trust in her and her judgement and maintaining an open dialogue. Kids with controlling parents just get better at making sure their parents have no idea what they're doing.

I do and I will check phones when I feel like it, sometimes under the guise that I want to play that game that I don't have on mine.
Hiding/deleting stuff - all fine by me. if you're embarrassed that i'll find something that I shouldn't - then make sure I don't