To be angry at what their teaching my 5 year old

[BettyBoo246]

So my 5 year old is having a few issues at the moment. All started with seeing beauty and the beast on a school trip, he got petrified at the wolf scene but wasnt taken out of the theatre and made to watch the rest all be it on the teachers knee. This has caused him to have nightmares since then. Last week they had someone in from nspcc talking about stranger danger, again he got scared and wanted to leave assembly. And now this week they are teaching him about in his words ‘weirdos’ on the internet and now he’s having night terrors screaming at night about weirdos
He has always been sensitive and he is the youngest in his class. I’ve called the school this morning and waiting for his teacher to call me back (also to add this teacher is very very young, no children of her own and this is her first year teaching and she can be very patronising)
AIBU??

Speaking as a teacher, I think you're over-reacting towards the school here. It must be horrid for your boy to be having nightmares & I totally understand that upsets you, but the school are just doing their job - they might have had lots of nervy children at that panto & due to child vs adult ratios & safeguarding issues etc they wouldn't have been able to just take him out of the theatre. The assembly & subsequent lesson about 'stranger danger' & internet safety etc forms part of the curriculum & is something that every child needs to be taught- it will have been done in a 5yr old friendly way & is something that will be re-visited numerous times during his primary school journey. You need to work WITH the school more - at the moment, you haven't even spoken to anybody & you're taking your 5yr old's word for everything, not to mention casting aspersions about his teacher's ability, based on nothing more than her age & parental status.

I struggle with attributing mental health or any other disorders to this child that need mendical intervention.

I understand why posters are suggesting it, but i think from the ops reactions and comments, this is more likely a pfb child so overly protected it's left him incapable of functioniing outside the bubble created for him and with some attention, understanding, patience, coaxing, and contextualising he can adjust and learn to control his reactions.and need for adult soothing ie hysterics then sitting on the teachers knee to watch a pantomime.

My personal opinion is that this is the better approach than seeking medical intervention and a diagnosis at this stage and it's likely with the right focus he can out grow this.

There's only one child I know that behaves in a very similar way and the mother is terrible, completely consumed by dc, does everything for him, answers for him, puts him in a pedestal so high he gets embarrassed in front of his friends for example.... He is now a frightened, nervous, shy and awkward little boy, sad to see

He sounds like a sensitive soul. But he still needs to learn to function and cope in the world and these are normal, age appropriate things so the job is not to hide them from him but to help him deal with his feelings about them. Most kids fixate on random things as scary, you can often never guess what is going to set them off when other scary things don’t. Maybe work with the school and ask them for a heads up on challenging topics for him so you can prepare him.

Op you still have not said what you want to happen.
You need to be clear what you want school to do.

Thank you bluntness100 that helps

The reason I posted in AIBU is because I obviously knew there is a chance I am being!
I really didn’t think I was over protective or mollycoddled him but maybe I did? I never tried to shield him from anything when he was younger, not that I can remember anyway. Never tried to shut him down if he wanted to speak about anything scary/uncomfortable. If he ever fell over and cried I wouldn’t rush to him I would tell him to get up and carry on. If he was ever crying because another child was horrible I would tell him to ignore them and play with others instead.

So I have no idea where to go or what to do now? I have a 5 year old who is scared of his own shadow and it’s probably because of the way I’ve brought him up!

Again I am no mollycoddler never have been

That is exactly what you are doing!

I've been talking to my dd about all of this since she was barely turned 4. I only wish the school would talk about it more.

I want to help him not feel so anxious or scared about every single thing.
His nightmares aren’t helping, he obviously is unaware of his night terrors. But his nightmares linger with him for such a long time. We overcome one and then another happens and then something at school happens. It just all seems to be happening at once and his anxieties are spiralling.

I don’t know how to help him be more resilient I guess

Please take him to your GP! To be honest having nightmares because of Beauty and the Beast 6 or 7 weeks later is an extreme reaction. Your son sounds hyper sensitive, and an appointment with a paediatrician could help.

In my experience Primary/Infant schools don't take parents reporting such extreme reactions that seriously, as being having a rich fantasy life can be a normal part of childhood. And less experienced parents can exaggerate and over react to normal "fears". But your DS is having an extreme reaction and you have a right to talk to the Teacher (and possibly the SENCO) to put a plan in place to help him through his anxiety. (And a paediatrician letter can help here.)

Your son may need to "toughen up" long term but being frightened to death will not help that, but could cause him a large number of issues. I was cross when my DS did stranger danger as the main result was that he would no longer answer neighbours who said "Hello" to him in the street. Some children are more literal than others.

Betty I’m sure it’s not your fault at all! All kids are different. If he’s been getting very upset and scared it’s understandable you pull back on pushing him to do things. He’s probably taken your confidence away a bit too. All you can do is try to work through these fears, one by one, and if you think he’s able for a bit of tough love, try a bit of that too. But you are the best judge of how far to push him. Also it can be a very tricky balance of listening to their fears and actually making them worse by giving them attention and weight. My 5 yr old tends to get scared easily and he went through a bad patch where I tried to support him and give him tools and advice. DH came in one evening and just said ominously ‘we’ll watch out the zombies don’t bite your face right off’. There was a long pause, I was horrified he’d said that, then my little scared 5yr old said ‘don’t be silly daddy’ and has been too embarrassed to be scared of zombies since. Sorted it right out. Sometimes they do need to be teased rather than hugged.

Changing your mindset is the first step. So rather than saying my child cannot be taught about the dangers of the internet or the nspcc advice, think of it as giving your child the skills and knowledge to protect them from harm. Work on confidence, ll and resilience. Drama classes can be great for both. Facing slightly scary things but dealing with them successfully can also be helpful.

You like that he’s sensitive?
He is shaking and screaming at a pantomime? That’s not sensitive.
You need to help him put his fears in perspective.

OP have a look at the pants stuff yourself, it will come up on a utube search. It should help set our mind at rest a bit. It is very age appropriate and designed not to scare dc while giving them basic information they need.
The focus of the assembly won't have been on stranger danger because 75% (roughly) of sexual abuse is carried out by someone the dc knows.
So the emphasis is on letting dc know what is good and bad touching and feeling confident in talking to someone they trust if they feel uncomfortable about anything.
In any classroom the stats suggest that one or two dc will experience some level of sexual abuse by the age of 16 so it is important work.
Small dc are particularly vulnerable as they often don't realize at first that the touches they are experiencing from the abuser aren't a normal part of growing up so that information really is power.

I know an autistic child who worries a lot. These two things helped him tremendously -
The Irish Fairy Door Company - Interactive Worry Plaque www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B01LXZJ09M/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_gEUwCb2TRQTCG?tag=mumsnetforum-21

And

Schmidt 42334 Worry Eater Soft Toy - Junior Flint www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B00QVB6MAO/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_KFUwCb41TBZ06?tag=mumsnetforum-21

Might be something to consider on top of the other good advice you've been given.

My daughter had night terrors sometimes lasting an hour or more - horrendous and I feel for you.

However I feel you must baby him a little - Stranger danger and internet awareness is a great thing and never to young to start learning about it. The wolf issue is just one of those things - they cannot take children out over the slightest things - he may have got over the fear by sitting on teachers knee it may of helped.

With regards to your comments about the teacher - just rude I'm afraid!

You are being very judgemental about the teacher. Don’t assume NQTs are any less brilliant that very experienced teacher; in fact, I often find the reverse.

Maybe they could be a little more sensitive to your sons needs but to be honest I’d be putting more energy into helping son deal with his issues if I were you. Surely that’s the important thing?

Also the teacher does not determine the curriculum. There's a national curriculum in place.

@GloryforGloves yes!! We watched videos about not going near a sub station and watched as 2 children got electrocuted (obviously fake but at 5 it's very real) after going to get a ball 😂 and then we went on a school trip to a power station where they said the same things. Also watched videos about level crossings 😂 they still scare me as a 28 year old

OP, why exactly do you like the face that you child is so sensitive that he is having night terrors and screaming at a Disney pantomime? What parent likes their child being that distressed?!

Also, could you please respond to people's posts about you judgment and criticism of the teacher? Its quite offensive to assume things about her due to her lack of children and age. You really should not be knowing about other parent's complaints or the Head's conversations.

Well I haven't read the whole thread but just wanted to add- we do internet safety/underpants rule/ stranger danger etc with 3 years olds. Never to early to learn about any of these. My husband googled the 'floss' - as in the children dance, and I have to say that was an eyeopener!

There's a world of difference between "some strangers are paedophiles" and "all strangers are potential paedophiles" (not that it will have been put in either of these ways in a class of 5 yos). But if the phrase is the latter a sensitive child might hear "all strangers are paedophiles" and then be frightened at the thought of any stranger.

The same with the difference between "some people on the internet are bad people" and "all people on the internet are potentially bad people".

OP should not criticise the school for teaching this stuff - and none of this is the teacher's fault, kids or no kids - but perhaps talk to the school about her son's sensitivity and if they can cater for that. It would be false to pretend the son can or should "man up" overnight.

I think it would be great if you could work with the school rather than against them.
Your little boy obviously has fears over and above those that would be considered normal and he needs coping mechanisms and ways of dealing with his emotions.
The fact you ‘like him sensitive’ is probably not helping tho.

I'd be concerned at stranger danger. Given that it's an outdated concept and as safeguarders in schools we are now specifically told NOT to do "stranger danger" because that lets Grandad and Uncle Jim off the hook when it's (as statistically it's likely to be) someone the child knows doing the abusing.
Sounds as though the school needs its policies updating.

As one of his parents, it’s your duty to help him with his irrational or rational fears, what you’ve done is remove him from every situation where he’s felt fear, thereby teaching him not to deal with it because mum is always rescuing him. You’ve wrapped him in cotton wool and expect everyone to do the same. You sadly have created this and now you will have to try and teach him to be resilient. The fact that you say you like his ‘sensitivity’ just makes it a little worse, he’s not sensitive, he’s afraid of everything becasue he hasn’t been taught anything about it. Sorry OP, YABU.