To be angry at what their teaching my 5 year old

[BettyBoo246]

So my 5 year old is having a few issues at the moment. All started with seeing beauty and the beast on a school trip, he got petrified at the wolf scene but wasnt taken out of the theatre and made to watch the rest all be it on the teachers knee. This has caused him to have nightmares since then. Last week they had someone in from nspcc talking about stranger danger, again he got scared and wanted to leave assembly. And now this week they are teaching him about in his words ‘weirdos’ on the internet and now he’s having night terrors screaming at night about weirdos
He has always been sensitive and he is the youngest in his class. I’ve called the school this morning and waiting for his teacher to call me back (also to add this teacher is very very young, no children of her own and this is her first year teaching and she can be very patronising)
AIBU??

If they just carry on with their current approach it's going to cause more and more issues for your son and nobody wants that

No, but equally they cannot endanger all the other children by not teaching them. The words and materials they use will be used nation wide. So reallythe op needs to work with the school in terms of how she now addresses this and helps him put it into context and understand it.

I get that your DS is easily upset/scared and potentially quite anxious. My DS can be too, so in nursery when they had a pantomime trip, I just replied saying he wasn't going. He's 3yo so plenty of time for school trips, I just knew he would be upset in the dark, he doesn't particularly like loud sudden noises and he couldn't monopolise a teacher when they're there to be with all the children. We're working on all these things and I have no intention of him never going, it's just he's currently sensitive to these things. Maybe going to Beauty and Beast wasn't the best idea for your child at 5yo.

However, there's nothing wrong with a supplementary discussion at home expanding on topics covered if your child needs to talk it through more and explore his fears. It's important that children know what to do in various circumstances and particularly that my DD/DS don't go off with people we know and that I talk to at the school gates. Mostly it's that I will worry about where they are rather than jumping immediately to abuse. DD knows that she shouldn't even go off with Police, for example, without telling her safe adults (her class teacher, me/DH, named friends/family) and that a Police Officer would know and respect that. DS is 3yo and we talk about lots of 'what if' scenarios with him too. Not about people potentially abusing him, but we focus on getting lost, mummy not knowing where he is etc. Could you put that spin on it at home? Less on being hurt more on getting lost.

Here's a social experiment about children going off with a stranger... It is horrifying how the parents think their child wouldn't go off with a stranger, yet they do. How much more likely would they walk off with a Police Officer, TA from school, a mum you talk to at the gates? Kids need this practising over and over again from a young age, much younger than we probably thing they do. It's no good starting this at age 6 or 7, it has to be second nature by then.

The school weren’t unreasonable to do a panto trip, however if your son was so distressed they absolutely should have taken him out.

Whilst I agree all children need to learn about safety both in real time and on the Internet, I think it’s important they acknowledge that some children will find it distressing and deliver the learning in more tailored way.

DD had a bout of anxiety a few years back. When we worked out the trigger school were amazing at allowing her to miss assembly/lessons she may find distressing.

You keep going back to the panto and why he couldn't be taken out. The answer is that the adult child ratio at these kind of trips is at the minimum it needs to be. Who exactly was going to be supervising all the other children that the teacher was responsible for while a member of staff was out of the theatre calming your child down. I'm sure that if your child had been left while another was taken outside by the teacher or helper and then needed adult assistance you would have been on moaning about that as well.

think

“Do schools still teach it as stranger danger?”

No.

I agree with iamright. They should work with you on building his resilience. He needs to be learning these important life lessons, but school should also be aware that he's sensitive and needs some more support in processing the information.

Time flies and before you know it he'll be ten. You'll want him to be able to handle the unpleasant situations in the future.

I have an overly sensitive child so I understand a little of how you're feeling, but I tell myself that I've only had this one child at this age whereas the school have 30 kids of this age every single year and if they deem something to be age appropriate then it must be and it's my child that has the problem and that's for me to work on (not blame the school). If your child was the only one in the class terrified, then the problem isn't that the school weren't doing age appropriate things but that your child just couldn't cope with them.

The answer is that the adult child ratio at these kind of trips is at the minimum it needs to be

DD’s school took over the ratio needed on all trips to deal with unexpected situations.

That's reassuring, thank you, BertrandRussell.

Well, it was Safer Internet Day yesterday, OP, so all schools up and down the country will have been referring to this. Wholly unfair to blame this because the teacher is 'new' and has no children.

With regards to her not having children this is something she has remarked about herself to another mum who when asked how she would feel if it was her child being bulled her reply was well I don’t have children so I don’t know.

Poor teacher (and child being bullied to be fair) because it is so very much an unfair question of that parent to ask of someone and even worse that you were allowed to overhear it (what if the teacher can't have children or has lost a child, for example?) It never ceases to amaze me the lack of tact some people can have.

However, this level of 'tact' does also apply to your DS also and there is no harm in mentioning it to her, if not to help her be aware of how much your DS takes information literally. Just please don't be accusatory to her or blame her for your DS's reactions, which are not her fault (or anyone's fault really).

I would keep repeating to your DS with repetitive reassuring comments throughout the time he is with you, and let him talk to you as much as he feels able to. By speaking out his fears, rather than internalising them, he will learn to be able to manage it better (and this is what your job is, that you refer to, in order to help him as a parent).

Do schools still teach it as stranger danger?

No because you don't want the children not going to a stranger such as the police, if they need help, for example.

So many people telling a 5 year old to "man up". Bloody ridiculous.

Yes, these issues have to be addressed - but the questions I have are around why this has been left to the school to cover.

OP - did you have advance notice that these topics were coming up and do you think you have enough understanding of these topics to address them and your child's concerns about them?

I’m not telling anyone to man up. I’m saying that the school will not have taught about “stranger danger” or used the word “weirdos” so the OP needs to find out what actually happened.

sliiiightly off topic but I thought this updated message was a bit of a better balance than "stranger danger"

www.bbc.co.uk/news/stories-45813069

It's "clever never goes" all about never going to a different location with someone

"A key message of the workshop is that interactions with strangers are not necessarily dangerous.

Instead, the moment children need to be wary of is when an adult, including ones they already know, asks them to go somewhere with them unexpectedly. This is what police call "the lure"."

I'm surprised that they didn't have an extra adult (like a parent helper if no teachers were available) to facilitate toilet trips etc

Child of the late 70s/80s here. I remember the nuclear war hide under the stairs one and the fireworks and building site.
Does anyone remember "better under your feet than under a car"? When the mum was talking at the door and her child ran out to get an ice cream and got hit?
Also our school taught us about bad people and inappropriate touching even then.
I can tell you that in schools we do have to work to a curriculum. There are always letters sent home before sex ed talks etc and every year there are parents that don't give permission.
YABU to slate the teacher. Can you talk to her and other staff about coping strategies for your son?
Oh and fairy tales have always been scary, but usually the bad person/creature gets their comeuppance so it's a good lesson.
Keep talking to ds about how it's all (films etc) make believe and they can't hurt him but please don't disregard the pants talk and school safety talks.

I'm surprised that they didn't have an extra adult (like a parent helper if no teachers were available) to facilitate toilet trips etc I am too.

Just to add, there may be some children in any class who are being abused or have seen something online that's upset them and they need to know it's absolutely the right thing to tell a trusted adult either at home or school.

I'm surprised that they didn't have an extra adult (like a parent helper if no teachers were available) to facilitate toilet trips etc

But these are ALWAYS done in groups. No adult should be taking a child on a toilet trip on their own and equally, no adult should be taking a child out of the auditorium on their own. If no other child was willing to miss the rest of the play and there were not enough adults for two of them to accompany the child and wait outside the auditorium, then the teacher did the best she could in the circumstances.

I am 47 and still terrified that the Spirit of Dark and Lonely Water will claim me...(YouTube him at your peril!)

No they don't at ours if wasn't scary it was more around awareness and to expect their privacy to be respected.

Maybe OP you could volunteer to go on his trips as a parent helper.

I mean we don't know they didn't though it's different to go on a 5 minute toilet break than sit in the foyer with children who got spooked by it.

I can't actually see the issue here it sounds like a member of staff had him on her lap throughout and I'm sure he wasn't shaking and crying through the whole thing. They sound like they were kind.

It would not be so scary had you eased the way by talking openly about these issues before he started. You need to teach him resilience too , with strategies for dealing with his fears rather than withdrawing. A teacher could not simply take a single child put of a theatre, it would affect their ratios. A panto is potentially both funny and scary, you could have not sent him or offered to go along. Tbh
I'm shocked you appear to know so much about the teacher, it seems unprofessional for the school to share any development issues and with a lot of gossip as its foundation.

Child of the late 70s/80s here. I remember the nuclear war hide under the stairs one and the fireworks and building site.

I was convinced it was called Ten Little Indians, but the Farm one is on Youtube as "Apaches". Due to a move of house and school at the age they were shown, I managed to see the farm, building site, and abandoned house safety films - as well as the usual Don't Trespass On the Railway short films. Were there any others? - I've always assumed schools showed the one or two relevant to the local area.

I know that your son doesn't use the Internet like this but wanted to share this story.

Ds2 is a teen enjoys playing an online PS4 game called Fortnite. Players can chat to each other directly. I was in the room that ds was playing and within minutes, 2 year 1 boys were chatting and I knew their real names, school and that one of them had a mum called Karen who had popped out to Aldi so he was home alone. (Dad comes home at 6:30 apparently) Imagine if I'd been listening longer and worked out from their IP Address and other clues he'd been giving where he lived. I could google the nearest Aldi and work out how long I had before an adult returned. Terrifying.

Ds says that this game is full of primary school kids having these sorts of conversations. They think that it's like talking to another y1 child at school but everyone else (adult) is listening. The game is rated 12 because of the online element so adults could message these kids easily. An adult should have made sure they mute non-friends so nobody has a clue that they are very young.