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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Cleaner is refusing to soldier

390 replies

biscuitbrown · 05/02/2019 21:45

I've been lucky enough to have a cleaner help out once a week since my first DD was born, we pay her well and we've always been super flexible, she works the day that suits her (rather than a Monday or Friday which I'd actually like). I've always thought we we had a friendship based on mutual respect and flexibility. She's not English and I've gladly helped her with insurance claims/mobile provider issues / school issues /hospital appointments etc. We give her a generous bonus at Christmas, we look after her. I've just gone back to work 3 days a week (long hours) and we've taken the huge step of getting an au pair, which is the first time we've had any childcare. Our au pair is brilliant - capable, trustworthy, hardworking, helpful, she cooks when I'm working, keeps their rooms tidy, washes their clothes, babysits etc. We found her through an agency and they explained how it is a cultural exchange, gave us guidance on what you can and cannot expect an au pair to do.

Anyway to cut to the chase, we pay our cleaner well to clean the whole house. But now we have the au pair she outright refuses to clean her room. I am only asking her to vacuum and dust, not tidy or touch her things (and au pair is SO tidy). I asked her why (this was all on text) and she said the au pair is old enough to look after herself. She's 18. But cleaner is paid to clean all the rooms and has been doing so for years... AIBU?!

OP posts:
Jaxhog · 05/02/2019 22:36

I'm betting it's a cultural problem of some kind, which could be an age or status thing. Have you asked her what the REAL reason is?

Lindy2 · 05/02/2019 22:36

I think it's a pecking order thing too. If she cleans the aupair's room she will feel like the aupair has a higher status than her. She might actually be quite upset about this. Have a chat with her and see if you can get some reasons from her. You may be able to sort it all out with a informal chat.
Around here it's pretty hard to get a good cleaner. It would be better to work out a solution rather than to replace her.

Butterfly84 · 05/02/2019 22:38

She seems jealous of the au pair. Good cleaners are hard to come by so I wouldn't sack her. You just need to have a word with her about this being her job. 'I understand that yes au pair is old enough to clean but I am paying you to do this. Please clean au pair's room as you used to.' And then a sentence or two about how you value her.

givemesteel · 05/02/2019 22:41

It's definitely a pride thing on your cleaner's part - she doesn't want to clean the room of another 'staff' member as that effectively puts her lower in the pecking order than the aupair(and therefore at the bottom of the pecking order). I assume the aupair is younger than her too, which would be a further blow to her pride.

She obviously just wants to retain a bit of pride. She's a human being. Is that so unreasonable?

You could of course force her to do it or fire her if she doesn't but i think that's rather mean. Explain the situation to the aupair, if she's a nice young lady then hopefully she'll understand and not mind spending all of 10-15 mins cleaning her own room.

I think this is an opportunity for you and the aupair to both be kind.

Original poster
biscuitbrown · 05/02/2019 22:43

@Bluntness100 it is is a common phrase, lighthearted, inspired by DH's reaction. Army.

OP posts:
DrinkFeckArseGirls · 05/02/2019 22:46

Just tell her that the au pair is temporarily staying in your house, in few months it’ll be another au-pair or a family guests staying. It’s just a room that you need cleaned.

tararabumdeay · 05/02/2019 22:48

My man servant is just the same. He won't clean the housemaids' rooms even though he generally looks after the whole of them. The housemaids don't do it for the boys but the boys do it for the housemaids.
The boys will do the young masters but the young masters prefer it if the Butler does it. Of course it's up to the Butler what he does. What a conundrum!

I hope I've just stepped into a cross between a Thomas Hardy and EM Forster novel with a generous helping of the Mitfords thrown in.

GreatWesternValkyrie · 05/02/2019 22:48

I really wouldn’t waste your energy analysing the feelings, culture and motivations of this. You pay your cleaner for an already agreed service, to clean your house for YOU. Who uses the rooms you want cleaned and their age is irrelevant.

Paying for cleaning should make your life easier, not require you to deal with nonsense like this and only get 80% of the job done, for 100% of the cost.

Excited101 · 05/02/2019 22:48

I agree, she sees it as demeaning when she considered herself on a par with the au pair

Original poster
biscuitbrown · 05/02/2019 22:50

@givemesteel we are so kind!!!! You have no idea. But current circumstances mean some teamwork would be hugely appreciated and 18 year old au pair is doing an amazing job and taking on lots of responsibility. She would be happy to do the cleaning herself and no doubt will do, but I feel like being kind and flexible hasn't done us any favours. What if the bathroom is next? (Au pair uses it).

OP posts:
Mymycherrypie · 05/02/2019 22:52

Surely it doesn’t matter who occupies the room, you pay her to clean your house, one room of the house she is paid to clean happens to be the au pairs.

I think you are too close to this person, and she is taking liberties because she feels she can.

StoneofDestiny · 05/02/2019 22:53

I hope I've just stepped into a cross between a Thomas Hardy and EM Forster novel with a generous helping of the Mitfords thrown in

😂😂..........how long have I struggled is my thinking........

QueenArseClangers · 05/02/2019 22:54

Is she called Grace Poole?

jimmyhill · 05/02/2019 22:56

I've always thought we we had a friendship based on mutual respect and flexibility.

There's your mistake. You always had a business relationship based on you paying her to do a job.

sewingbeezer · 05/02/2019 22:57

The cultural issue is a red herring.
I think by being generous with payments, flexible with hours and helping out with her personal issues, you've inadvertently blurred the lines between employer/friend to the extent that she now feels she's doing you a favour by cleaning for you. You need to get this relationship back to an employer/employee status where you can give her instructions on what you need cleaning without her questioning them.

PyongyangKipperbang · 05/02/2019 23:01

"You seem to misunderstand the nature of our arrangement. As your client I pay for my whole house to be cleaned. Who uses a particular room and why has no bearing on the service I am paying for and you agreed to provide. Please ensure all the rooms are cleaned in future or give me a weeks notice. Regards"

But tbh I would be thinking that she will say she will do it and then not bother so I would get someone else. If an 18 year old can clean up after herself then, based on her logic, so could you.....but she is happy to clean up after you Hmm

Mymycherrypie · 05/02/2019 23:04

I’d say

“Hello xxx, I noticed the small bedroom wasn’t hoovered or dusted this week. Could you please make sure you get round all the bedrooms, thanks”

No need to mention anything else.

givemesteel · 05/02/2019 23:05

@givemesteel we are so kind!!!! You have no idea. But current circumstances mean some teamwork would be hugely appreciated and 18 year old au pair is doing an amazing job and taking on lots of responsibility. She would be happy to do the cleaning herself and no doubt will do, but I feel like being kind and flexible hasn't done us any favours. What if the bathroom is next? (Au pair uses it).

I'm sure you are both kind and nice to her!

But can't you see it from her point of view, she's doing a job that society considers to be one of the worst/degrading (I get that that is her choice but I doubt it's what she dreamed of doing), and then in her eyes is then out ranked by an 18 year old.

I don't think that a staff member would expect another staff member to clean up after them in their own quarters, particularly when they're 18, so in the scheme of things it is not a big deal and isn't a big job even if your aupair is doing a lot.

Obviously if she stopped cleaning a family bathroom then that is completely different.

I'm really just saying you'll upset her if you forve her to do it and you'll obviously upset her if she loses her job over it.

Wimblemum1 · 05/02/2019 23:05

Let it go. Technically you’re quite right - she’s paid to clean the whole house, etc - but it’s really not worth losing a reliable and trusted cleaner over this. She sounds like a huge asset otherwise.
I agree - cultural issue; she feels it’s demeaning to be clearing up after staff.

Mymycherrypie · 05/02/2019 23:06

Also, what was her reason when she said she wouldn’t do it?

At that point I’d have said, “it’s a bedroom of the house so included in our agreement. Please make sure you do all the bedrooms”

tararabumdeay · 05/02/2019 23:10

“it’s a bedroom of the house so included in our agreement. Please make sure you do all the bedrooms” That's an order.

Mymycherrypie · 05/02/2019 23:11

It is, Soldier!

YeahSorryBoutThat · 05/02/2019 23:12

I was thinking you meant soldering wires and thought you were being slightly unreasonable to expect your cleaner to do that.
Your cleaner is being unreasonable, though. (as long as au pair isn't really messy and it would take her all day to pick up after her)

SaturdayNext · 05/02/2019 23:12

Threaten her with a court marshal

That would be a bit of an empty threat as there's no such thing in military or other terms. Try court martial.

elemenopeee · 05/02/2019 23:12

I know someone in the army and she uses army-isms all the bloody time. It’s attention seeking, affected and annoying.

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