AIBU to rehome my destructive dog?

[novaclover]

I'm rehoming my dog. When we adopted him as a puppy we had no idea what breed he was or what his temprement would be, and now we're left with a high energy, anxious, destructive dog who since our other dog died can't be left alone for more than an hour. He can escape crates, long walks don't stop his anxiety, he'll happily go to the bathroom inside and he will literally tear doors off of cupboards rather than play with his own toys. We've tried everything but it seems like the only solution will be to make sure he has company 24/7, which is obviously impossible.

The guilt is eating me alive and I feel like a failure because I can't cope anymore. It's been 6 years and today I came home to find all of my baby's toys had been destroyed despite me putting them in a high sided playpen.

AIBU to rehome him?

You must have some idea what breeds your dog is op?

So did the problems coincide with you having less time and money to fix them or did you just not bother before? What training have you tried? How much exercise does the dog get? What about brain training? How often are you leaving the dog?

YANBU. Sticking with a dog who's not fitting in well in your family is like staying in a relationship that's not working because you're worried about the social stigma of splitting up. The dog will find someone else and will probably be much happier in a new environment. Some people are so quick to pile the guilt on, but it sounds like you've tried and learned a lesson. A friend has rehomed two dogs now. She was mortified at being one of those people, but in both cases the dog turned out to be not what was expected. In both cases, the dog found a brilliant new home, settled quickly and had a much better life. If she'd stuck with it, she'd have a miserable old dog and a resentful family. You've given it a good go - it's not as if you got this dog for Christmas. However, hopefully you will have learned now that taking on any dog has its risks and maybe it's not the right time for your family to do that. Maybe dog owning is too much of a gamble for you and the dog. But certainly you should rehome this one - don't let fear of embarrassment make the dog and your family miserable.

Some of the responses from dedicated dog lovers kind of illustrate why this dog would be better off being rehomed. There are some amazing people who would never give up on a dog, no matter how difficult, and are prepared to prioritise helping the dog overcome its issues.

Most people aren't like that and can only cope with so much. Yes, some of the dedicated dog lovers will judge you - but most people will understand. There are plenty of other people who have rehomed dogs, after all, so really - if you choose to tell people, you may not find yourself judged as harshly as you think. Unless you go posting on AIBU asking to be judged about it, of course, which is a form of masochism .

It sounds like your family has been through a difficult time and you need to give yourself a break now.

Let me get this straight. You are rehoming your dog because he is causing damage to your home? But for no other reason - he is not a danger to anyone? In which case, I think yes, YABU. Rescues are already overburdened and you are adding to that because you are prioritising your cupboard doors over finding a solution. If you think the problem is that your dog is lonely (very normal if you previously had two dogs) then you should be looking at doggy daycare.

However it sounds as though you have made up your mind already so this thread is irrelevant. Please do not get another dog though.

Also, just re-read your first post. How new is your baby? Maybe the dog is jealous - he's gone from having another dog to play with to being on his own, and now there's a baby added to the mix so he's getting even less attention?

I am absolutely not saying you should put your dog before your baby, but it's something else to think about if you change your mind about rehoming.

@MoreCheeseDear erm actually, MY dog (i.e. my family member) does matter more than YOUR child (i.e. your family member).

Can you at least find a new family for him rather than dumping him in a rescue centre?

A rescue centre should know how to deal with separation anxiety whereas a family might not.

YANBU. I am looking at our dog who came from a rescue about 2-3 years ago, having lived in rescue on and off for 5 years while people tried to rehome said dog. Destructive, fear aggressive etc. Not suitable for urban home, difficult to walk as barks at everything (& chases vehicles that pass), couldn't be left without something being destroyed, and rubbish with kids.
We have spent a lot of time with her she's not perfect still is fear aggressive but doesn't destroy stuff even if we go out for 8 hours which we have done from time to time. She understands (we have a command we give along with a treat) when we are going out and she trusts us to return. She has toys she is allowed to destroy if she wishes (and things she is not allowed - when we got her we kept a very close eye and gave very clear boundaries and told her off if she even attempted to chew anything she shouldn't). We can leave her and trust her not to touch /chew up things she isn't allowed to play with. When we get home we make a huge fuss of her and spend a good hour playing ball (her favourite) with her. I won't say it's been easy and it has taken time to build up to this.
So there's a home for most dogs.

actually, MY dog (i.e. my family member) does matter more than YOUR child (i.e. your family member).

It's quite sad that you believe that. You do know it isn't normal, don't you?

Reminds me of a dreadful poster on here years ago who said she'd let a stranger's baby burn in a fire in order to save her dog.

People matter more than dogs. Fortunately society agrees with me not you.

I adore dogs but unless you have been in op’s position then you can’t judge.
Must be hell to wonder what damage you’ll walk into everyday after work .
No one can expect you to take on the expense of another dog , what if the new dog and this one don’t get on? Then you have to rehome 2 dogs!
And it’s not as if people can give up their jobs to stay at home all day , most dogs can be left for a few hours a day an not demolish the house .
I’d sadly rehome him and hope he gets someone who can devote all day to him even behaviourists can’t solve all issues , ask my poor mum who paid hundreds for a Dog Borstal dog trainer/behaviourist how couldn’t solve her problem.
She still has her but had to change a lot at home to make the situation a ‘little’ better

Have you spoken to your vet about possible medications for the dog? There are anti-anxiety and relaxant medications that can be used very successfully in pets. Also there are natural pheromones you can buy in the form of a collar or spray which mimics the same as a mother dog releases which helps to settle them in stressful periods (such as you being away from home/ thunder storms etc)

My female dog suffers mild seperation anxiety and fear of loud noises. We have only had her for approx 6 months but thankfully our male dog is quite the opposite and has been a calming influence on her. Utmost importance to her calm state is plenty of exercise, training, 'safe' spots and high quality food (especially stimulating things such as kong treats/bones) She has a tendency to 'need' to dig a hole if she feels a bit anxious (usually when I go out as she is attached to me) and while hole digging isnt ideal, we have allocated her one spot where she knows she can do it and we leave her to it. Dogs vent their frustration/anxieties often in destructive ways. Perhaps giving the dog more mental stimuation throughout the day will help. There are alot of interactive toys avail such as puzzles, hanging tug treat ropes which you can use on a patio or tree and even automatic ball throwers to name a few.

Im not going to judge you OP as I can imagine the situation is extremely overwhelming and stressful adding onto the guilt you already express isnt helpful just wanting to add in a few things you maybe able to explore.

I know the long standing argument about Children vs. Dogs will always crop up but in honesty some of us do truely view our animals as family members and their well being is paramount, I dont think we should view this as a bad thing. I got my first dog (the male) at a very rough time in my life and I really attribute him to saving me, so Im not ashamed to admit I would do anything for him

@MoreCheeseDear I think most people would prioritise a member of their own family over a stranger. I think that’s quite normal.

And this is why people shouldn't get dogs if they work.

Sorry I know that was an unhelpful post. I would love a dog - I know that with young children and a shifting work load there is no guarantee I can be present for the time a dog needs. I do judge I'm afraid. I am judging in the same way as when people have children they can't afford in terms of either time or money. It's not fair on the dogs, it's not fair in the children.

And this is why people shouldn't get dogs if they work

Nonsense.

This is why people shouldn't get dogs if they don't have adequate care in place for them.That could involve a walker, a relative or neighbour popping in, daycare or working shifts to ensure the dog isn't left at home all day.

DH and I work full-time and have a one year old beagle. We work shifts so we each have two days off a week with him, and he goes to daycare the other three. He's fine and well adjusted. No issues here.

And it’s not as if people can give up their jobs to stay at home all day , most dogs can be left for a few hours a day an not demolish the house

But lots can't, and that's why daycare and walkers exist. Nobody is suggesting anyone give up their job for a dog, but OP needs to look at alternatives. My dog couldn't cope home alone all day so he goes to daycare. It means we know he's safe and looked after, he gets a walk and a comfy sofa to sleep on, and we don't get home to destruction because he's bored and decides he needs to eat the carpet!

Save for a behaviourist to come in, I'm doing the same. My dog is extremely reactive on a lead, I took on the responsibility to rescue him. Therefore I will use every resource possible. The one I'm using is £70 for a 2 hour session. Your dog definitely has separation anxiety and needs to trust that when you return he won't be forgotten about.

If all else fails, for his own good rehome him.

I think most people would prioritise a member of their own family over a stranger. I think that’s quite normal.

It is but some people think animals are family members. They aren't. That's just silly. Animals have less value than humans. That's why we eat them.

I've had pets I've loved but I would have saved a human before them. It's what makes us different from animals - compassion for fellow man and an understanding that animals are only animals and lower down the pecking order.

Animals are family members to many people. I'd save one of my pets over a stranger, sorry.

It is but some people think animals are family members. They aren't

They are...

I give up. People would save an animal before a child.

How sick and evil is that? What unhappy lives they must have.

Yet they can't see it. So deluded. Pathetic.

Ooh no, you're wrong. I'm perfectly happy thanks

I'm not sick, evil or pathetic either.

HTH.

No you are not unreasonable, you can't give the dog what he needs so he is best to be rehomed to a home who can give him that. You've given it six years, you've tried a variety of things and you sound exhausted.

Its not fair on you, but it isn't fair on the dog either... You're doing the right thing.